Virtual Reality Porn But…

We’ve spent a lot of time focusing on the Vive as a gaming device because we’re a gaming site, but in many discussions of virtual reality people look very knowing and say things like “well, yes but really porn will be the thing that’s important to VR”.

Mostly this makes me think about some of the more terrifying peripherals this could lead to as well as the virtual reality dissonance you would experience by looking down and seeing unfamiliar genitals.

This time, however, I have come up with my own virtual reality porn ideas. I am going to be very rich.

  • Virtual reality porn but with a peripheral so when you try to squeeze a boob it makes a clown nose honk
  • Virtual reality porn but where you make it so the user alternates between being a stomping giant and a tiny pixie
  • Virtual reality porn but when you look down you see a bouquet of gardenias instead of genitals
  • Virtual reality porn but where you miss the bus to the porn appointment and you stand in the VR rain waiting for the next bus and feeling a bit sad
  • Virtual reality porn but where you take off all your clothes and go into a candlelit room and “SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHD…OH GOD”
  • Virtual reality porn but where the audio is messed up so all of the panting and groaning seems to be coming from directly behind you and you keep turning round
  • Virtual reality porn but where you make a circle with your finger and put a finger from your other hand into it
  • Virtual reality porn but where everyone is Brian Blessed but specifically Flash Gordon Brian Blessed
  • Virtual reality porn but you’re actually a male orb web spider and you have to work out how to detach your penis-esque palps
  • Virtual reality porn but you’re actually a female orb web spider and you have a special narrative choice option where you eat your mate or let him run away
  • Virtual reality porn but where it is a recreation of Manet’s Le Dejeuner Sur L’Herbe and you have to do the sandwich-making minigame
  • Virtual reality porn but you play as the person who takes the bookings for the porn appointments
  • Virtual reality porn but where actually you’re really into well-organised data so you just look up the code and jack off to that instead
  • From this site

    96 Comments

    1. Jams O'Donnell says:

      The page slug not being “virtual-reality-porn-butt” is a real missed opportunity. I expect better from RPS.

      • Plank says:

        Anyone notice anything about the Vive controllers?

        • Zanchito says:

          They are gender neutral. Or, more correctly, bi-gender useful.

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            Lars Westergren says:

            I demand bi-curious controllers.

          • Plank says:

            Yeah. Nice wordisms btw!

            Aperture Science Handheld Porn Device.
            GLaDOS: Speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out. Rinse. Repeat.

    2. Premium User Badge

      Ben King says:

      After yesterday’s kinda off-putting comment war over the Vive this was a totally refreshing opportunity to laugh out loud at the thing. Good job making me smile:-)

    3. JonasKyratzes says:

      Virtual reality porn but every time you squeeze a boob, two more boobs appear, until the game becomes a horrifying cosmos of overwhelming Lovecraftian boobness.

      Virtual reality porn but with Sigmund Freud analyzing everything you do in voice-over.

      Virtual reality porn but the people you’re having sex with are also wearing a Vive.

      …to be honest, though, I’d pay for the Brian Blessed version.

      • JFS says:

        Boobs all the way down. I can see people buying it.

      • MrFinnishDude says:

        I would love to have the Sigmund Freud one.
        Youre just going at it, trying to enjoy yourself while Freud sits next to you analyzing everything you do.
        It would be kinda off putting, but knowing people some would get more exited by that.

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          DelrueOfDetroit says:

          It would have to be all of Freud’s theories proven false so the whole time you have to bite your tounge not correcting him.

          • Tekrunner says:

            “Ah yes, you have been dreaming to do exactly this to your mom ever since you were a little child”.

    4. Premium User Badge

      distantlurker says:

      Virtual reality porn but where both parties are weighted companion cubes.

      Valve should be able to, pardon me, knock one out in no time.

    5. tigerfort says:

      These are the best VR porn ideas. I wonder if any of them could be made to work in that “reality reality” thing John was trying out?

    6. jasta85 says:

      and here I thought he was going to list his favorite VR porn apps, I am dissapointed :p

      • Legotalk says:

        I could be wrong, but I believe Philippa goes by “she.”

    7. khamul says:

      I have examined Le Dejeuner Sur L’Herbe in detail, and their luncheon is awful. Bread roll, a bit of fruit. What were they thinking?! No ham, no cheese. There’s a bottle of something… gin, possibly, from the shape of the bottle. Very inadvisable – they will clearly all be badly dehydrated: especially the men, as at least the women have made some attempt to adapt to the clearly extremely warm weather conditions, whereas one of the fellas couldn’t even be bothered to take his hat off.

      Also, I am concerned that the gentlemen are not adequately including the ladies in the conversation which appears to be engrossing them. I bet it’s about maths.

      VR Porn, but you have to talk about binomial distributions?

      • pepperfez says:

        Wait, there’s porn that expects you to get aroused without talking about binomial distributions? Who would do such a thing?

        • snv says:

          Yes, that’s why i always have to mute the audio and do the calculus myself.

        • Nereus says:

          Of course, you have to satisfy the poisson distribution market.

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      iris79 says:

      This is awesome

    9. Legotalk says:

      The idea of (probably terrible) porn overrunning every new piece of technology is depressing as hell. This makes it seem much more interesting, though.

      • Kitsunin says:

        I mean, it’s what has happened to all new technology throughout the ages. Doesn’t seem more depressing now than before. ‘s just porn. If anything it’s good to think another industry might drive adoption of VR should gaming alone be insufficient.

      • MrFinnishDude says:

        Getting depressed about that is like getting depressed that the sun sets. This is just the natural order of things.

      • Rizlar says:

        According to certain sources porn was a major driver in the rise of home video. It’s a massive industry and it must influence media and society in a whole bunch of ways, it just so happens that public society tends to politely ignore it’s existence. Saying ‘nice things overrun by bad porn’ seems a bit simplistic and undersells the importance and influence of the porn industry. That porn may in fact be driving as well as following new media.

        Disclaimer: I actually know nothing about this stuff.

        • Hedgeclipper says:

          The Porn thing makes a good ‘just so’ story but it doens’t really hold up. The big issues with Betamax vs VHS were tape length and cost turned out longer recording time beat higher fidelity. See also MP3 (smaller size beats higher quality) and laserdisk (supprisingly people didn’t want to flip the disk in the middle of the movie).

          What the ‘Porn is the killer VR app’ crowd haven’t really explained is why after the initial novelty would anyone want to strap a brick to their face to watch it – I could see that working for niche enthusiasts but as a general mass market thing?

          • Phasma Felis says:

            What’s the appeal in playing a game instead of watching a movie? Interactivity is huge.

            • Hedgeclipper says:

              I haven’t seen anything here suggesting VR porn being interactive until your post – and I don’t agree; we’ve had porn/sex games pretty much from the beginning but they’ve never taken off in a big way so I doubt adding VR is going to make a big difference there.

      • Rindan says:

        Why is the option to run porn on something depressing? Humans love to watch each other fuck. Hooray for humans pleasing humans! It isn’t like having the option to watch porn on a VR headset is going to diminish its ability to function as a merry blood splattered murder simulator. I personally am thrilled to get all blood splattered and porny on the same device. Ooh, maybe at the same time. Playing a first person blood and tits horror movie would be epic, from both the perspective of victim and attacker. Oh man, my Vive can’t come soon enough.

      • pepperfez says:

        Given the choice between sexy-porn and military-porn, I know which I’d prefer.

      • El_Emmental says:

        Well sex is part of a species’ basic survival needs: air, water, food, reproduction. All new technology were first used to kill (hunt+war), harvest more food, or have sex with – the rest has always been secondary.

        But I understand where you’re coming from: the word “porn” often points at awful, terrible exploitation of sex. You’ll more often hear of porn as a crude, humiliating, sometime violent expression of sex, sometime assimilated to prostitution or even rape, than something that express and celebrates sexuality. The link to en.wikipedia.org are not over, especially lately. Lots of people still think that the very idea of having a sexuality is disgusting by itself, which is quite a shame.

        In that context, I think it would be beneficial if we would look beyond the first impression we have of porn: if you only look at the traditional porn industry, it’s a mess of silicon, submissive stereotyped women, absurdly hung stereotyped men, and sex is presented like a physical competition on steroids.

        But beyond that outdated and fading industry, you have a very wide range of pornography that remained underground for years, and grew quite significantly recently thanks to the Internet: some odd niche fetish, but also some more subtle “porn” where people are more making love, than mounting each others like rabbits on cocaine.

        Rather than rejecting all pornography all together, I think we have an opportunity to have a positive approach to sexual fantasy with modern pornography: empower what’s good, rather than repress everything.

        Speaking of repressing, pornography, while not as good as an actual sexual relationship between two individuals, is still an excellent way to greatly reduce the sexual frustration of men and women.

        In a similar way, for centuries religious authorities vilified masturbation, and now we’re finally starting to see it as a more complex part of our sexual lives, that can be perfectly healthy and can help a lot with the inevitable frustration and unsatisfied needs that comes with a sexuality requiring consent from both parties (which is a major improvement over the marital ownership of the last few centuries).

        I believe pornography is going to follow a similar path, sooner than later being recognized as a legitimate part of sexuality, as long as it remains “healthy” for the person (cf. addiction, abuse, etc).

        VR porn is simply going to be another way to experience sexual fantasies and (partially) satisfy your sexual needs, there is nothing disgusting about it: humanity is also made of sex, which includes sexual fantasies and pornography. Ew?

        GL HF ;)

    10. xyberviri says:

      I’ll take click bait for 500 alex.

      • Okami says:

        While this is clickbaity as hell, it’s also rather funny, so it’s ok.

      • SuperNova says:

        Exactly. This is sadly a new low for RPS.
        A very short article with pathetic remarks such as “makes me think about some of the more terrifying peripherals”, followed by a list of incredibly unfunny ideas that must have taken all of 2 minutes to think up. An almost condescending view of pornography, sadly just comes across pathetic and childish.

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          Lars Westergren says:

          You two must be new here. Silly articles are a regular feature on RPS and have been for many years.

          And this one made me laugh out loud.

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            Lars Westergren says:

            VR porn game idea: You are walking through a thick crowd of naked men muttering “This porn is not taken seriously enough”.

            • Horg says:

              Performers become deeply concerned that they aren’t delivering the highest standard of professionalism possible for the viewer, no one is able to get off due to stress, and it just sort of….ends.

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              Lars Westergren says:

              Have you been reading my diary?

            • Hedgeclipper says:

              Now we need a Mollydeux for porn game ideas

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              Lars Westergren says:

              “A Philippa Molydeux and Robert Yang game jam”.

          • SpiceTheCat says:

            I enjoyed the article. I was also amused by the idea of someone being angry that their pornography is being condescended to.

            Maybe there’s something about not-being-serious-about-the-Vive articles that brings out the …special… commentators. Well done for fighting the good fight in the other one btw.

            • SuperNova says:

              Haha. I don’t think anyone is angry, and have no experience with VR at all.

              What ‘other one’? I have no idea what you mean.

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              Lars Westergren says:

              That was for me. Glad you liked it, SpiceTheCat.

          • SuperNova says:

            Not at all new. But, there is quite a large difference between a quirky little joke/trick, as linked below, and “just look up the code and jack off to that instead”…
            It’s not infantile in it’s humour (childish humour can of course be as funny as anything else), but rather just infantile in the amount of thought behind it.

        • gunny1993 says:

          Quite right, this article was so low it was down on its knees, and totally sucked.

          I don’t have to swallow this, unsubscribed.

        • GWOP says:

          Oh yeah, RPS neeeeveeeer used to write short silly articles.

          link to rockpapershotgun.com

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            Lars Westergren says:

            Dracko, that brings back memories. Wonder if he is still around. Lets see. Ahem: “Bioshock is quite a good game.”

      • Enkidum says:

        OH NO RPS WANTS PEOPLE TO CLICK ON THEIR ARTICLES AND READ THEM!

      • GWOP says:

        Well, you are as dumb as a fish…

      • Phasma Felis says:

        No “clickbait” would be “14 Hilarious Uses for VR Porn. #7 Will Amaze You!” What you’re doing is called “I Don’t Like This But Can’t Articulate Why, So I’m Going To Throw Random Insults In An Attempt To Sound Smart.”

        It’s not very catchy, I know. :(

    11. Dinger says:

      I can see how the VR porn experience goes.

      Bob: “Hey, Suzie, wanna check out some VR Porn?”
      Suzie: “Sounds cool, Bob”
      [BOB HANDS SUZIE THE HMD. SUZIE STRAPS THE HMD TO HER FACE. SHE IMMEDIATELY TEARS IT OFF]
      Suzie: “That was it?”
      Bob: “The technology’s still in its adolescence.”

    12. Spuzzell says:

      Viscera Cleanup Detail: Virtual Reality Porn Edition.

      • Kitsunin says:

        Wouldn’t even need to be VR, that sounds like an…interesting…new theme for Viscera.

      • Moonracer says:

        heh,
        I was thinking of a good VR porn game, only with a Surgeon Simulator style “undress stage” at the beginning.

        If it’s multiplayer it could include a Dinner Date lobby where you wait for your partner(s) to gear up.

        • MrFinnishDude says:

          Surgeon simulator sex… now thats is a brillant idea!
          Theres all these different tools you can use, and you decide to use the cactus on the table.
          Then you try to insert the plant but you accidentally slap your partner on the head with it because youre so clumsy.

      • Xzi says:

        That’s what all the VR fap machines on Kickstarter and Indiegogo are for.

    13. Synesthesia says:

      Best post of 2016? Best post of 2016.

      Pip for president!

    14. SanguineAngel says:

      “Mostly this makes me think about some of the more terrifying peripherals this could lead to as well as the virtual reality dissonance you would experience by looking down and seeing unfamiliar genitals.”

      Like most things on the internet, this makes me think less of nakedness and more of Red Dwarf.

      • FlipMooMonkey says:

        That groinal attachment is supposed to have a lifetime guarantee. You’ve worn it out in nearly three weeks.

        • SanguineAngel says:

          I know I brought it up but I want you to know this got a vast grin and chuckle out of me. Thanks!

    15. Jackablade says:

      The changing size thing could make for quite an interesting VR experience without the erotic element.

      That said, I’d wager VR pornographic Katamari Damacy would be something that could be defined as “interesting” too.

      • Xzi says:

        Yeah, scale is explored in several VR games already. Notably Secret Shop and Final Approach. In the latter you play from god view directing aircraft, and can switch to the view/scale of a firefighter on board one of the aircraft carriers to put out the flames of a docked aircraft. That being just one example, of course.

    16. Plank says:

      Ah I remember the first time I jacked off to code! It was a sunny Wednesday and I was staring intently at the developer console in Doom. Not that long ago actually. I was just getting over my headphone jack fetish. Good times!

    17. Kefren says:

      Virtual reality porn but you can’t see the real world, or hear it because of headphones, then your mother/postman/boss walks in.

      Oh, that’s just virtual reality porn.

      • Xzi says:

        It’d be pretty bold to put on an HMD and start jacking it at the office. I don’t live with my mother and I’d shoot the postman for just walking into my house with the door locked.

    18. chabuhi says:

      Third Life, anyone?

    19. jakeroth says:

      The presumed glut of POV VR porn on the horizon just makes me feel for the non-perspective actor. With 360 awareness for the consumer there won’t be the usual safety net of gaffers and camera operators and such just out of frame. It’ll be two people alone in a room – one with a head coated in lights and cameras that makes them look like those flashbulb-headed horrors from SOMA.

      • Xzi says:

        Mostly they just use 360 degree cameras and edit the crew out of the shot, I think.

    20. liquidsoap89 says:

      “Virtual reality porn but where the audio is messed up so all of the panting and groaning seems to be coming from directly behind you and you keep turning round”

      This made me laugh out loud. Well done!

    21. The Sombrero Kid says:

      Does pip genuinely think you need an appointment to watch porn?

    22. DBGDBG says:

      >peripherals this could lead to

      I’m sorry, just noticed that this sentence was in the past tense. That’s kinda incorrect already.

      • Xzi says:

        True. Kickstarter and Indiegogo are filled with VR fap machines already.

    23. Faults says:

      I’m going to be honest, I half-thought this was going to be a Verge-style super srs article about how VR porn ‘could change the way we think about sex and relationships’ or something equally as silly, but what I clicked through to was pure, unadulterated gold. 10/10.

    24. Turkey says:

      I hope someone makes a VR porn where you’re just in some shitty apartment flipping through a stack of dirty magazines from the ’70s.

      • Xzi says:

        Brilliant. Porn’s analogue and sad beginnings brought into the digital future.

    25. Grey Ganado says:

      I see at least three points on this list that already exist as non-vr porn.

    26. Premium User Badge

      Serrit says:

      you’re really into well-organised data so you just look up the code and jack off to that instead
      Wouldn’t be my first time… :-$

      • Premium User Badge

        Serrit says:

        bleh ballsed up the markup. Oh the disorganisation! *faints*

    27. Spacewalk says:

      Virtual reality porn but when you touch her cookies you get to build a mine or a factory or, um, which one’s the cheap one again?

    28. syllopsium says:

      It’s ok Phillipa, we all want Brian in that way too.

      yes, yes, oh yes! yes! say it! say it!

      GORDONS ALIVE!

    29. namad says:

      While I’m on the subject I just want to say Philippa Warr is my favorite new RPS writer and she really knows her stuff! I know this is a humorous article, and yes it is funny. However in all her reporting articles I find her to be clear and factual and I like that. I just wanted to say good job Philippa Warr!

    30. Grayman says:

      Virtual Reality Porn but SHAME ON YOU – Now you watch my little pony.

    31. Psychomorph says:

      I always wanted to be a Lesbian.

    32. Psychomorph says:

      VR Porn with story:

      “Brave Hero! Before thou canst take ’tis bride, thou must fight ’tis unholy pride.
      Demons and Undead that curseth thy lands, climb ’tis mountain and strengthen thy hands.
      Only then, thou canst fetch, reward thou hast been pledged.”

      This will be the moment where gamers will start to complain about games being to deep in story and too long in playtime. Please end already!

    33. souroldlemon says:

      This is so excellent!
      I love it!
      Hooray for Pip!

    34. Catchcart says:

      That Brian Blessed image has done more to put me off sex than anything since Dan Savage suggested using “The Lonely Goatherd” as sex soundtrack music.