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Virtual Reality Porn But...

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We’ve spent a lot of time focusing on the Vive as a gaming device because we’re a gaming site, but in many discussions of virtual reality people look very knowing and say things like “well, yes but really porn will be the thing that’s important to VR”.

Mostly this makes me think about some of the more terrifying peripherals this could lead to as well as the virtual reality dissonance you would experience by looking down and seeing unfamiliar genitals.

This time, however, I have come up with my own virtual reality porn ideas. I am going to be very rich.

  • Virtual reality porn but with a peripheral so when you try to squeeze a boob it makes a clown nose honk
  • Virtual reality porn but where you make it so the user alternates between being a stomping giant and a tiny pixie
  • Virtual reality porn but when you look down you see a bouquet of gardenias instead of genitals
  • Virtual reality porn but where you miss the bus to the porn appointment and you stand in the VR rain waiting for the next bus and feeling a bit sad
  • Virtual reality porn but where you take off all your clothes and go into a candlelit room and “SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHD…OH GOD”
  • Virtual reality porn but where the audio is messed up so all of the panting and groaning seems to be coming from directly behind you and you keep turning round
  • Virtual reality porn but where you make a circle with your finger and put a finger from your other hand into it
  • Virtual reality porn but where everyone is Brian Blessed but specifically Flash Gordon Brian Blessed
  • Virtual reality porn but you’re actually a male orb web spider and you have to work out how to detach your penis-esque palps
  • Virtual reality porn but you’re actually a female orb web spider and you have a special narrative choice option where you eat your mate or let him run away
  • Virtual reality porn but where it is a recreation of Manet’s Le Dejeuner Sur L’Herbe and you have to do the sandwich-making minigame
  • Virtual reality porn but you play as the person who takes the bookings for the porn appointments
  • Virtual reality porn but where actually you’re really into well-organised data so you just look up the code and jack off to that instead
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    Philippa Warr

    former Staff Writer

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