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Total Warcraft: Hammers Offers Zone News, I Think

I have been tasked with writing another article about the Total Warcraft: Hammers [official site] expansion.

I’m not really sure of the franchise what with not playing it myself but I’m prepared to roll up my sleeves and get stuck in. Like Winnie the Pooh in Rabbit’s doorway.

Okay, I think it’s talking about some new MMO zones. We have:

  • The Orc zone or maybe the Auk zone if it’s about the birds screeching in the footage?
  • The Petty Fiefdoms zone
  • The Mountains zone
  • The Underwears zone
  • The latter is plagued by “Greenskins” who I assume is a boss of some kind. I like that idea. I would nickname the mission where you kill him “The Panty Raid”

  • The Men zone
  • To the East there is only darkness so I guess they haven’t built that bit yet. Maybe it’s being kept for an update.
  • Sylvania zone (which I guess is a tie in with Sylvanian Families because Warcraft is really old now so people play it with their children)
  • Brittania zone (I think this is like the ex-pat bits of Ibiza?)
  • Norska zone (which I assume is sponsored by a Scandinavian travel company of some sort)

RIGHT! Okay, so those are all the zones and then at the end there’s an ominous reveal of a dude called Archaeon Everchosen. I think that translates as “favourite old guy”? I’m guessing he’s the boss of The Panty Raid so Greenskins must just be an underling. Archaeon probably has some kind of rivalry or friendship with Arthas or Illidan or someone. He’s not great for small kids because he’s a bit scary so I think there’s probably an option in the settings so you can confine underage players to the Sylvanian zone.

I don’t really understand why it’s being called the “Hammers” expansion but maybe Archaeon Everchosen has a hammer. That would make sense.

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