Total Warcraft: Hammers Offers Zone News, I Think

I have been tasked with writing another article about the Total Warcraft: Hammers [official site] expansion.

I’m not really sure of the franchise what with not playing it myself but I’m prepared to roll up my sleeves and get stuck in. Like Winnie the Pooh in Rabbit’s doorway.

Okay, I think it’s talking about some new MMO zones. We have:

  • The Orc zone or maybe the Auk zone if it’s about the birds screeching in the footage?
  • The Petty Fiefdoms zone
  • The Mountains zone
  • The Underwears zone
  • The latter is plagued by “Greenskins” who I assume is a boss of some kind. I like that idea. I would nickname the mission where you kill him “The Panty Raid”

  • The Men zone
  • To the East there is only darkness so I guess they haven’t built that bit yet. Maybe it’s being kept for an update.
  • Sylvania zone (which I guess is a tie in with Sylvanian Families because Warcraft is really old now so people play it with their children)
  • Brittania zone (I think this is like the ex-pat bits of Ibiza?)
  • Norska zone (which I assume is sponsored by a Scandinavian travel company of some sort)

RIGHT! Okay, so those are all the zones and then at the end there’s an ominous reveal of a dude called Archaeon Everchosen. I think that translates as “favourite old guy”? I’m guessing he’s the boss of The Panty Raid so Greenskins must just be an underling. Archaeon probably has some kind of rivalry or friendship with Arthas or Illidan or someone. He’s not great for small kids because he’s a bit scary so I think there’s probably an option in the settings so you can confine underage players to the Sylvanian zone.

I don’t really understand why it’s being called the “Hammers” expansion but maybe Archaeon Everchosen has a hammer. That would make sense.

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  1. Premium User Badge

    AutonomyLost says:

    Props to you, Pip, for mentioning Winnie the Pooh anywhere, ever.

  2. JcDent says:

    Was that Archaon at the end? That helmet looked positively 90s in execution. I started having Diablo I flashback. If it’s going to be a DLC character, that’s one DLC not worth having.

    On an unrelated note: does Sylvania have a population of (wretched and oppressed) living people? Or are the cities a leftover? If it’s the later, how does Sylvania maintain its armies? Chief import – corpses. export – zombies?

    Looks very nice in general, can’t wait to retake the Deep Roads about a year from now, when the game reaches playable state.

    You could also help an another relic of the old world reach playable state:
    link to
    Donate generously, Setra’s faithful!

    • klops says:

      That helmet shot definitely is Something Else.

      • Hmm-Hmm. says:

        Wow, yeah. That’s like.. early/amateur 3d modeling. Something I imagine one might see in a pc magazine tutorial.

    • Hmm-Hmm. says:

      Yeah, I believe that according to the Lore™ Sylvania has a human population. The capital even has a human honour guard, I think.

    • Holderist says:

      It’s the Sequinned Great Helm of the Whale, very rare drop rate. *nods sagaciously*

  3. Phinor says:

    I have to say they are releasing a ton of trailers for Total War Warhammer. We are still at least 6 weeks away from release and there’s new trailers every week.

    I wish they used that budget for example to give chaos race for everyone, not just for pre-orders from specific retailers.

    • Carlos Danger says:

      I am in favor of the trailers myself, I find the enjoyable and I am getting the Chaos pack for free already so there is no downside as far as I can tell.

    • mrpage says:

      I don’t think that their budget for in-game engine trailers will be the same as the revenue they expect to get from pre-orders and paid DLC sales.

      • Adam Smith says:

        I’ve enjoyed the videos – lots of them, yes, but most have actually shown me something new about the game rather than reiterating points already made or just being fancy cutscenes.

        • PancakeWizard says:

          Adam, any idea why my comment god modded out? It was basically a compliment about enjoying Pip’s jokes in the article. Bit trigger happy maybe?

      • Press X to Gary Busey says:

        Yeah marketing costs are spent to embiggen the pile of monies you get in the end.
        $ Marketing effort boosts the revenue to $$$ and so on.

        That’s the reasoning behind why even large charity organizations run massive ad campaigns and hire expensive people with motivational bonus programs to be in charge.

  4. CletusVanDamme says:

    How come all of the comments from people who didn’t enjoy this piece have been deleted?

    • Kazegami says:

      It is said they do not tolerate spitefulness and rudeness. But I don’t believe they were rude or spiteful comments… They were just disagreeing with the value of this article.

      • Distec says:

        One of them could maybe be considered rude, but that’s setting the bar pretty low. The other one was fine.

        RPS can delete what they like blah blah blah.

    • PuppySwarm says:

      Because if you don’t conform to their echo-chamber, then your comment is deleted.

    • Kazegami says:

      I hope they didn’t consider it offensive. I think this article wasn’t very good, and wish less of them were made in the future. It’s constructive, right?

      • Minglefingler says:

        Nah, it would be constructive if the author asked you to evalaute their work and you gave pointers on what worked and what didn’t. Commenting on an article that you don’t think it’s very good just comes across as a bit rude. I mean I enjoyed this article but if I hadn’t I’ve have read it and moved on without saying so because I wouldn’t want to potentially upset someone who was merely trying to entertain me for free.

      • Premium User Badge

        SpiceTheCat says:

        Pip has a particular whimsical style and approach. I like it, and I’m glad she’s writing for RPS. If you don’t like it, no one is forcing you to read the article. The author’s name is at the top, after all.

        I am increasingly surprised that anyone writes about games at all, given the huge number of posters who think that logging on to make a thread just a little more toxic is a worthwhile thing to do. And yes, you are making the site worse by even notionally ‘polite’ posts questioning the value of the article at all.

    • PancakeWizard says:

      I made a comment revelling in Pip’s humorous post, but it got deleted as well. I guess RPS aren’t really up on modern lingo and thought ‘shitpost’ as I wrote it was an insult.

  5. Heliocentric says:

    Brilliantly written review Pip, but you seem to have forgotten the score.

  6. Acosta says:

    Guys, please, don’t do this, I entered confused about it being a new Total War mod or something. Write the piece however you want, but at least let us know what are you talking about in advance.

    • Horg says:

      Re: Request; Trigger warning, humor.


      Sincerely, Horace

    • Press X to Gary Busey says:

      It took me a few seconds to decipher what was going on (especially with that header image that looks like something designed by a modder) and I’m a regular RPS reader, wasted a good portion of my best years nerding over Warhammer and I’d consider myself a humour appreciateur.

      Perhaps I’m just slow but I appreciated the writing after the mental click though. :)

  7. Premium User Badge

    X_kot says:

    For a minute there, I thought this was going to be some kind of Total War / Zone-tan mash up. Very relieved that’s not the case.

  8. mashkeyboardgetusername says:

    If Pip isn’t interested in a topic (and she clearly isn’t here) could we get someone who is to write the article rather than getting a load of silly jokes? It’s not the first time she’s done this, (while esports articles, which do interest her, are written all serious like,) and it’s a little bit tiresome.

    • Philippa Warr says:

      If only I was capable of being interested in Total War: Warhammer

      link to

      And if only I was less serious about MOBAs :(

      link to

      • PuppySwarm says:

        A block quote from the devs and Buzzfeed repost.

        • Philippa Warr says:

          What? It was an in-depth interview where I sat down and spoke with them and the other article was a light-hearted post about a game I play. I was refuting the point about having no interest in the game because I do and have said so on this site and refuting the point about exclusively posting serious articles about the games I do focus on.

          I would also add that I have never, to my recollection, posted snark or sarcasm on this site. I do, however, sometimes post different types of article because I’m having fun with the content. You might not like how they turn out and that’s fine but don’t assume bad faith or lack of interest in a game. I have never demonstrated that.

          • PuppySwarm says:

            Regardless of your intent as an author, the entire article comes off as snide, sarcastic, and disinterested. I can only imagine the devs/publishers seeing something like this, and being extremely regretful that they gave you an honest interview prior.

          • Queen Joey says:


            Not. Pathetic attempt at humor, completely unprofessional and absolutely no relevance whatsoever to the video. I strongly suggest getting a career in blogging instead, since actual journalism clearly isn’t for you.

          • Llewyn says:

            Good job this is a gaming blog then (at least when it suits RPS to claim so).

            It always amuses me that typically RPS articles – which this absolutely is – bring out so many first-time commenters to tell us all that this sort of thing doesn’t belong on RPS.

          • zarniwoop says:

            Thanks to all the irritating comments posted on this thread I have spent what felt like an age trying to log into the site on a tablet. Just to say more of this sort of thing please.

      • xyzzy frobozz says:

        Why bother writing Pip?

        It seemed structured to deliver a joke that was, quite frankly, pretty Pooh.

        I appreciate that this is a quiet time of year, but there are two things here… First, why bother writing an article over every damned Total HamWarmer video released? Second, why write such utter garbage in RPS?

        I’m a fan of you Pip, I really am… but this article…. why? Just…. why?

        Were you drunk? Please tell me you were drunk.

        • PancakeWizard says:

          Firstly, idiot, it’s not an ‘article’. It’s a trailer release. There’s no info to go with it – watch the trailer.

          Secondly, rather than just regurgitate a press release/describe the trailer beat for beat, Pip took some license to have some fun. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

          Stop embarrassing yourself, please.

      • Malfernion says:

        I love articles like this. I come for the self contained video that I wouldn’t have seen otherwise, and that doesn’t need lots of commentary, and stay for the humour at the expense of a franchise that takes itself a little too seriously. Keep up the good work!

    • klops says:

      By a quick count there have been 7 posts about Total Warhammer during the last 30 days. Many of them have been very enthousiastic and in my mind generous, considering CA’s published games in the past. The trailers are far from over before the release day and it seems RPS is going to publish a lot more articles linked to them. In my mind this is pretty good coverage.

      You apparently feel that the Total Warhammer trailers in Sega’s advert campaign have such unique and important news that every one of them should get a long, seriously written article about them?

      • Dunbine says:

        Hey, it’s their site, so write how you want. Not that it matters a spot, but here was my take on the article:
        – I check a few sites daily, RPS is at the top of the list.
        – I am interested in Total War: Warhammer (TWW).
        – I saw this article and didn’t recognize it to be about TWW; I thought it was about a warcraft or minecraft mod. I didn’t click the link.
        – I went on to another site, saw an article about TWW, and read their bit and watched the video, and it occurred to me, “hey, that RPS article was probably about this”. And I went back to check.
        – I didn’t find the article particularly funny, but that is irrelevant.
        – In the end, I wouldn’t have clicked on the RPS article because I didn’t even recognize it as something I’d be interested in.

        And in the end, who cares? I don’t even know if I do. But maybe it matters that potential readers can recognize an article that might interest them? Or maybe it is because I have a newborn and you have to smack me upside the head to recognize anything.

        • klops says:

          The complaint was that the writing wasn’t an article but a collection of silly jokes. But those silly jokes in this article just covered the trailer completely, since the video gives no more info than showing factions/regions (plus the purring helmet baddie and that got covered in the main picture).

          If the video would have given important information, I believe there would have been more effort in covering it and less effort in funny-naming the article.

    • Phasma Felis says:

      As I understand, a big part of Pip’s job is posting news updates, i.e. re-posting stuff that game devs have already posted. That’s different from e.g. reviews; there’s only so much you can do to spice up, essentially, a link to a video.

      Most sites deal with this by posting minor variants on “This video is cool/okay/lame! Did you see the bit where [something happened]?” over and over and over and over. RPS tries to inject their particular ramblingly British style of humor, instead. I appreciate it, personally. If you’re not into that type of humor, that’s okay, there are plenty of other sites that do something different. But surely you know by now what kind of jokes to expect when you come here.

      • daimonahte says:

        Yep, absolutely this. I’ve got no interest in many of the games that get previewed on RPS (because hallelujah, the sphere of gaming is huge), but I read most of the previews anyway because I know they’re going to be entertaining. Pip and Alice are particular masters at making drab press releases a larf. If the humour isn’t for you, fine, but personally I’d much rather that than a dry dissection of every shot in the video accompanied with a timestamp.

    • Premium User Badge

      Elusiv3Pastry says:

      I’m a supporter purely for the silly jokes.

  9. Premium User Badge

    Nehvrook says:

    What the fuck is this article?

    It’s clearly about the upcoming Total War (clearly after reading the whole thing anyway) but you link to the World of Warcraft official page?

    I get you were trying to be funny but it was just confusing.

  10. Premium User Badge

    Quistie says:

    Yeah that Warhammer and its similarities to the valuable Warcraft IP causing confusion again. This really takes me back to when Warhammer online was released!

    • Premium User Badge

      Quistie says:

      And I want to be clear that meant I loved the article! Surprised at the hate on this writing, its funny, irreverent and just a bit surreal.

  11. Premium User Badge

    liquidsoap89 says:

    As a poor student who wants to avoid pre-ordering a game that might be broken… This game is really testing my self restraint!

  12. Aldehyde says:

    Well, that was a woefully confusing read, from headline down to tags.

  13. benthere says:


    I come to this site to learn the important facts about trailers for video games. I am outraged by this irreverent treatment of an important subject. If this sort of behavior continues, I will be forced to stop contributing my valuable and insightful comments.

    Also, why the fat shaming? #bearsofallsizes

  14. SaintAn says:

    I figured this was the title of a Warcraft/Starcraft mod and skipped this article when scrolling through earlier. I had to watch the whole new trailer over on TW Reddit to even realize this article was about TW Warhammer which I’ve been trying to keep up with so I can make sure I don’t waste $60.

    Between this poorly made article and the censorship of criticism, my respect for this sit just went down a ton.

    • SaintAn says:

      Does RPS not have an editor or someone that these articles have to go through to be approved for publication? Or is that just something journalists do and bloggers don’t do?

    • Premium User Badge

      lasikbear says:

      I’m sorry u had to go thru all that, that sounds very hard. Praying 4u

    • zarniwoop says:

      Cruel cruel world.

  15. HotCakes says:

    I got to watch the trailer of a game based on something I played as a kid, and got bonus jokes about things other kids played with.

    This was a fun little piece.

  16. Premium User Badge

    Bonedancer says:

    So apparently you’re no longer allowed to do the joke where you deliberately conflate two related but distinct franchises, properties or entities for humorous purposes.

    This includes but is not limited to:

    – Star Wars/Star Trek
    – Lord of the Rings/Harry Potter
    – American Foot-to-ball/Australian Foot-to-ball/Rest of World Ballo-futto
    – LeAnne Rimes/Busta Rhymes

    Let the word go out across the land!

    • Premium User Badge

      phuzz says:

      – Old Spice/Oldsmobile
      – TotalBiscuit/digestive biscuits
      – Microsoft/Microprose
      – Kerbal Space Program/NASA

      • benthere says:

        I’m confused by your list. Bonedancer proposed a few humorous, if tired, mash-ups. LotR vs Potter is fertile ground for discussion.

        Your list was nonsense. Old Spice and Oldsmobile? It reads like you did a character search.

  17. Premium User Badge

    cpt_freakout says:

    Jeez, guys, lighten up. It’s like you take Warhammer very seriously… wait, you do, don’t you.

    If it’s any consolation, some of us did find the article funny.

  18. Steed says:

    Think Pip might have had too many puffs on the New Bellows

  19. Premium User Badge

    Captain Narol says:

    Pip Pip Pip Hoorrah ! That kind of humour is what makes RPS so special for me !

  20. datreus says:

    I registered just to say I don’t know whether the pointlessness of the article or the complaints was worse but I kind of enjoyed the nihilism on a monday morning so thanks.