How This Jalopy Accident Was Not My Fault

I have just exited my Laika and am looking for a solution to my first driving catastrophe in road-trip simulator Jalopy [official site].

My car is currently sort of partially atop another vehicle but it is almost definitely not my fault. You see, your honour, what happened was I was taking a screenshot as I went uphill but the car was going too fast to get the framing right so I took my finger off the accelerate key for a second AFTER checking there was no traffic anywhere behind me. We slowed, I took the picture, I hit accelerate.

The car moved backwards slowly.

I put on the handbrake and switched off the engine thinking perhaps the game was mimicking stalling. I turned the key in the ignition and restarted. Experimenting with the drivey gamefeel (technical term) I pushed W to see if the car tried to move forwards, to see if there was some kind of in-game simulation of a bite point and a sense of traction on the hill. There wasn’t. I took off the handbrake and held W. We slid backwards slowly.

I reversed thinking perhaps as an early access pre-alpha game perhaps the controls had somehow inverted. They hadn’t. I moved backwards slightly faster.

Putting the handbrake back on I concluded that the car probably didn’t have enough power or momentum to summit the small hill and wondered how to solve the problem. A guy calling himself my uncle (although maybe a family friend who everyone insisted I call uncle or even maybe just a guy with Uncle as a first name – WHO KNOWS) was sitting in the passenger seat. I wondered if I could get him to help me push.

At that point I was rammed, your honour, by some dickhead (technical term) who apparently didn’t understand how to use the other two entirely clear lanes and decided to rear-end me and my uncle for NO GOOD REASON.

I feel like if you see a stopped car on an otherwise clear road and you still decide to rear-end it that is negligence. Also I probably have whiplash and my poor uncle probably has whiplash so the next time I get a phonecall telling me that some company heard I had an accident that wasn’t my fault I am going to tell them about this little escapade and then YOU WILL BE SORRY. Not you, your honour. The dickhead.

And don’t start with me about hazard lights.

If you can figure out which effing button or switch is the hazard lights you can tell my uncle because he certainly didn’t bother telling me before demanding I drive his ass to Dresden. The constraints of the game, your honour, did not permit for me to become safely acquainted with the vehicle before forcing me onto a sodding autobahn – oh wait it’s here never mind.

I will admit to slightly aggressively reversing but ONLY because going forward and sideways wasn’t possible and there’s no “phone the police and wait to be towed” option that I could see.

And I will also admit that the reversing is what has left me on top of their bonnet and the source of the crunching sounds and now I can’t move forward or backwards or sideways. I’m considering walking to Dresden. I don’t know what to do about my uncle, though. He’s still in the passenger seat. I assume he’s catatonic because of the shock and the whiplash and so forth – I’m not a doctor – but I really do feel I’m not to blame for this accident at all and also my uncle needs, NO, DESERVES compensation.


Your honour?

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  1. Spuzzell says:

    Whatever, Jeremy. Off to Amazon with you.

  2. Jinoru says:

    Oh this is out in early access now? Time for a road trip!

  3. minskworks says:

    All AI Drivers have been scolded and forced to take a mandatory retest which has resulted in much more considerate drivers for the patch later today. Also, a small bottle of gin was found in the glove compartment of the culprit, whom’s AI driving employment has since been terminated :

    link to

    I apologise deeply for this unacceptable behaviour.

    • Llewyn says:

      Gin? It wasn’t Alice, was it?

      I tend to think that developers who engage with the community positively like this are a good sign in early access projects – it doesn’t speak to their competence, but does indicate they’re likely to continue refining their games.

      I bought this last night because I love the concept. Haven’t had chance to try it out yet, but am looking forward to it.

    • morse says:

      I was already walking to buy this game but now I’ve broken into a full sprint.

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      Matsimo says:

      … and bought.

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      DelrueOfDetroit says:

      Please tell me the cigarette lighter works!

    • bill says:

      I notice you used the hazard warning lights though.

      I also notice that the button for the hazard warning lights is very easy to notice.

      PS/ Good deving!

  4. Leafcutter says:

    Women Drivers! (just kidding)

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    caff says:

    Three years hard labour!

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    DelrueOfDetroit says:

    I like to think that Pip was wearing one of those white foam neck braces while writing this article.

    Of course, not being able to find one she had to make due with a plush snake but beggars can’t be choosers, amirite?

    • Llewyn says:

      I think someone so widely known for wearing a frog outfit would think twice about wrapping a snake around their neck, plush or otherwise.

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    Thulsa Hex says:

    This is giving me flashbacks of one of the more confounding of the 70,000-or-so bugs Deadly Premonition threw my way: every once in a while cars would not accelerate up-hill, resulting in very similar scenarios. Restarting the game usually fixed this, but a couple of times too much progress had been made since the last phone call (save) for that to be bearable, so I got by with some creative solutions. One involved using other, smaller hills to try to build enough momentum to freewheel it. Another time I discovered you could slowly, very slowly, creep up a slope by repeatedly pressing W-S, W-S, W-S in such a way that would rock the car to victory.

    Damn, that game broke my heart (and I still love it).