Other Things You Could Do With That Warcraft Franchise

There’s a Warcraft movie on the horizon. I know this because I saw a trailer for it while I was at a screening of Captain America: Civil War. I didn’t remember much except a dude landed on an eagledoglion- possibly a griffon. PROBABLY A GRIFFON. Also there was a green baby. Thus it was that I went back and watch a whole wodge of trailers and things to find out more. I have gathered that there is a war between humans-looking people and orcs. Also an Odd Couple kind of love plot maybe.

But what ELSE could you do with the franchise? What treats might future screen visits to Azeroth yield? I am going to look at the medium of reality television for potential WoW-ing.

The Apprentice (Starring Alan Sargeras)

A reality show (well, reality TV show slash advertising opportunity for The Burning Legion) where contestants Kil’jaeden, Archimonde and Velan compete for the chance of great power and total servitude as part of Sargeras’ business empire. SPOILERS: Velan gets to the interview stage but during the boardroom he quits and escapes in a taxi. Kil’jaeden and Archimonde are smug because LOL if you can’t stand the heat of the Burning Legion get out of the boardroom. They also say things about thinking outside the box and being willing to give 110% and so on. A spin off series follows Sargeras as he pursues Velan across the universe in his fancy town car.

Grand Designs

Amateur titans attempt to create stunning and elaborate worlds as Kevin McCloud offers opinions and expresses doubts as the projects sail past their original budgets and timelines.

The Bachelorette

Night elves compete for the affections of Tyrande Whisperwind including the brothers Illidan and Malfurion Stormrage. Dates include: A romantic assault on the Well of Eternity, a romantic trip to kill a bunch of bear-men, a romantic massive argument about freeing one of the contestants from prison-rehab, a romantic boating trip to the Broken Isles. The series ends with Malfurion proposing and Illidan on the other side of a portal for Reasons. Illidan will be the next Bachelor.

The Great Booty Bay Bake-Off

Contestants must create culinary delights to wow (WoW) the judges in this charming cookery show. In week one challenges include the Tasty Cupcake signature bake and a Pumpkin Pie technical challenge while a Crunchy Spider Leg-themed showstopper challenge yields some… Surprise results!

Pimp My Mount

Fetch the bedazzler and prepare to inhale some spray paint because it’s time to spruce up your War Yetis! That or this would take a really dark turn and you’d be just pimping out your mounts in a very different way, stalking the back alleys of Stormwind and taking a 10% cut of their “business”. Let’s stick with the one which involves someone from Warcraft doing a Tim Westwood impression as they add go-faster stripes, underlighting and bounce hydraulics to a really angry hippogryph.

Kim And Kourtney Take Azeroth

This marks the beginning of a World Of WarKraft collaboration franchise. Kourtney and Kim decide to set up a Dash boutique in Azeroth and E! documents their various escapades over the course of six episodes. In episode one, orcs threaten to boycott the store over ethical issues so Kim hosts an orc party while wearing a green dress to smooth over the tension and Kourtney considers adopting a Pandaren. Meanwhile, Kris Jenner tries to ingratiate herself with local forest trolls after mis-hearing they are descended from the “Armani Empire”. Someone does a naked photoshoot.

Store-raid Wars

Raid loot only drops in a storage locker behind enormous cardboard boxes and rusting exercise bikes. Players must roll for it, gambling on whether the tat obscures objects of unimaginable power or is it just acres of old shoes and cracked teacups?

Big Brother

A generally uneventful series of Big Brother set in a big house on the world of Draenor is pulling in woeful ratings so the producers decide to hold an impromptu party, livening up the series via the time-honoured tradition of giving the contestants too much to drink. The drink in question is the blood of Mannoroth and chaos ensues. Ratings are through the roof but many viewers report the show producers to Ofcom following the events of the next day’s Draenei Roller Disco task.

From this site

24 Comments

  1. pringles says:

    Azerothian Super Villains. <3

  2. kud13 says:

    I am only vaguely aware of any of the shows mentioned in the article (or their real-life versions). Probably has smth to do with me not watching TV since 2008.

    I sure do wish they’d do another RTS.

  3. DuncUK says:

    Ignoring the fact that I find the idea of a World of Warcraft film terrible, it does seem to be coming out at a strange time… haven’t we passed ‘peak WoW’ as the game slides into inexorable subscription decline?

    It seems only marginally more relevant than someone releasing an Everquest or Half Life tie-in movie. Who is this movie for?

    • jon_hill987 says:

      China, it is for China.

    • Aerothorn says:

      It was intended to come out many years ago, but got trapped in development hell and lost its original director (Sam Reimi). Word on the street is that Blizzard was really obnoxious to work with.

      • Werthead says:

        It was creative control. Sam Raimi was told that he’d have final say on the film, but it turned out that Blizzard actually had final approval on everything. He and his writers would also need to base their script on a story treatment provided by Christ Metzen. Apparently at this news Raimi and his team shrieked in terror and ran for the hills. Based on the last few things Metzen has written, I can understand this.

    • TillEulenspiegel says:

      I remember people being really excited about it around 2008 or so.

      In any case, it could be a success if it were actually a good movie, regardless of the existing fanbase. (I’m guessing 95% of Game of Thrones fans had never read the books prior to watching the TV series, for example.) Too bad the trailer makes Warcraft look like a low-budget horribly-written piece of crap.

    • Smoky_the_Bear says:

      Other ideas.

      Elwyndale – Soap opera that follows the daily lives of people living and working around a tower farm village in Elwynn forest.

      Extreme fishing with Nat Pagle – Man catches big fish!

      Scrapheap Challenge – teams of goblins and gnomes compete to see who can build the best machine from stuff found in a junk yard and try to avoid blowing themselves up in the process.

      • Smoky_the_Bear says:

        Ugh and that was supposed to be a fresh post not a reply, FFS LET US EDIT OUR DAMN POSTS.

    • dauw says:

      This might be excessively nerdy, but: it’s a Warcraft movie, not a WoW movie, there’s a distinction. The story takes place many years before World of Warcraft began, and looks like it’s essentially a fantasy war movie with orcs and humans. I’m certain a lot of people could get into that, although I’m a bit sceptic as well.

  4. PsychoWedge says:

    I don’t know what all this television thing is about but I for one would rather like to have a series of yuri and yaoi themed visual novels in the tradition of Sono Hanabira taking place in the warcraft universe… xD

  5. Horg says:

    Reality TV is becoming passé. I feel like you aren’t using the medium to its full potential if you don’t shoot for the hard hitting serial drama. Speaking of which…

    ”Breaking Badlands”: A mild mannered Gnomish scientist and family man, Whitewelder Heisenblast, is horrified when he discovers he has contracted the incurable leper curse. Desperate to provide for his family before his inevitable early death, he teams up with his former apprentice and general layabout, Pinkelton, and heads deep into the Badlands to cook mana crystals for the Blood Elf black market.

    ”Rektster”: A terminally ill night Elf father is concerned for his sons future when he realises he is growing into a Rogue with an insatiable appetite for serial ganking. Determined to provide him with some way of evading the attention of the law while satiating his appetite for griefing, he trains his son to only gank other gankers.

    ”The Scryer”: A tragic story following the denizens of Silithus and the impact that the contentious ”War on Bugs” has upon their lives. Corruption abounds, from the depths of the lowest Twilights Hammer cultist to the top of the Cenarion Circle, all of which will be exposed through abuses of controversial surveillance scrying.

    • Cloudjogger says:

      I registered an account just to reply to this, brilliant.

    • Smoky_the_Bear says:

      Hut of Cards – A scheming orc among Oggrimar’s political elite manoeuvres his way up the ladder in his quest for power.

      Two and a Half Men – Comedy following the lives of two brothers and their Gnome flatmate.

      The Walking Undead – A group of undead fight to survive the scourge apocalypse. Featuring such larger than life characters as Darnell Dixon and his trusty crossbow.

  6. Rizlar says:

    Meanwhile, Kris Jenner tries to ingratiate herself with local forest trolls after mis-hearing they are descended from the “Armani Empire”.

    Brilliant.

  7. SomeDuder says:

    Or they could just, you know, make a game. idk

  8. Premium User Badge

    Serrit says:

    Loved this post, thanks Pip, particularly “Alan Sargeras” and the “Armani Empire”. Slighly worried I will no longer be able to take Legion as seriously as I’d like to when I play it later this year though…

  9. Smoky_the_Bear says:

    Surely not including /dance-ing with the stars was a misstep here.

  10. ZeroWaitState says:

    Well, they could always take it up a notch by creating a real-time strategy game where you control your hero plus entire armies of mobs on large maps for control of resources and territory. Or, they could come up with a collectible card game, although I doubt that would sell very well. Maybe a MOBA? Oh, I know. A board game!