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Other Things You Could Do With That Warcraft Franchise

World Of WarKraft

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There’s a Warcraft movie on the horizon. I know this because I saw a trailer for it while I was at a screening of Captain America: Civil War. I didn’t remember much except a dude landed on an eagledoglion- possibly a griffon. PROBABLY A GRIFFON. Also there was a green baby. Thus it was that I went back and watch a whole wodge of trailers and things to find out more. I have gathered that there is a war between humans-looking people and orcs. Also an Odd Couple kind of love plot maybe.

But what ELSE could you do with the franchise? What treats might future screen visits to Azeroth yield? I am going to look at the medium of reality television for potential WoW-ing.

The Apprentice (Starring Alan Sargeras)

A reality show (well, reality TV show slash advertising opportunity for The Burning Legion) where contestants Kil’jaeden, Archimonde and Velan compete for the chance of great power and total servitude as part of Sargeras’ business empire. SPOILERS: Velan gets to the interview stage but during the boardroom he quits and escapes in a taxi. Kil’jaeden and Archimonde are smug because LOL if you can’t stand the heat of the Burning Legion get out of the boardroom. They also say things about thinking outside the box and being willing to give 110% and so on. A spin off series follows Sargeras as he pursues Velan across the universe in his fancy town car.

Grand Designs

Amateur titans attempt to create stunning and elaborate worlds as Kevin McCloud offers opinions and expresses doubts as the projects sail past their original budgets and timelines.

The Bachelorette

Night elves compete for the affections of Tyrande Whisperwind including the brothers Illidan and Malfurion Stormrage. Dates include: A romantic assault on the Well of Eternity, a romantic trip to kill a bunch of bear-men, a romantic massive argument about freeing one of the contestants from prison-rehab, a romantic boating trip to the Broken Isles. The series ends with Malfurion proposing and Illidan on the other side of a portal for Reasons. Illidan will be the next Bachelor.

The Great Booty Bay Bake-Off

Contestants must create culinary delights to wow (WoW) the judges in this charming cookery show. In week one challenges include the Tasty Cupcake signature bake and a Pumpkin Pie technical challenge while a Crunchy Spider Leg-themed showstopper challenge yields some… Surprise results!

Pimp My Mount

Fetch the bedazzler and prepare to inhale some spray paint because it’s time to spruce up your War Yetis! That or this would take a really dark turn and you’d be just pimping out your mounts in a very different way, stalking the back alleys of Stormwind and taking a 10% cut of their “business”. Let’s stick with the one which involves someone from Warcraft doing a Tim Westwood impression as they add go-faster stripes, underlighting and bounce hydraulics to a really angry hippogryph.

Kim And Kourtney Take Azeroth

This marks the beginning of a World Of WarKraft collaboration franchise. Kourtney and Kim decide to set up a Dash boutique in Azeroth and E! documents their various escapades over the course of six episodes. In episode one, orcs threaten to boycott the store over ethical issues so Kim hosts an orc party while wearing a green dress to smooth over the tension and Kourtney considers adopting a Pandaren. Meanwhile, Kris Jenner tries to ingratiate herself with local forest trolls after mis-hearing they are descended from the “Armani Empire”. Someone does a naked photoshoot.

Store-raid Wars

Raid loot only drops in a storage locker behind enormous cardboard boxes and rusting exercise bikes. Players must roll for it, gambling on whether the tat obscures objects of unimaginable power or is it just acres of old shoes and cracked teacups?

Big Brother

A generally uneventful series of Big Brother set in a big house on the world of Draenor is pulling in woeful ratings so the producers decide to hold an impromptu party, livening up the series via the time-honoured tradition of giving the contestants too much to drink. The drink in question is the blood of Mannoroth and chaos ensues. Ratings are through the roof but many viewers report the show producers to Ofcom following the events of the next day’s Draenei Roller Disco task.

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Philippa Warr

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