Ready everyone? Okay. Charges set. Three… two… one… BREACH!
GO GO GO.
WATCH YOUR CORNERS.
Breach & Clean by Rami Ismail and lots of others
Hotel cleaning with military efficiency. Take on the role of a cleaner and bust into guests’ rooms, cleaning as fast and as thoroughly as possible whether they want it or not. A locked door (with a red do not disturb sign on the handle) means you will need a breaching charge. Stick the explosives to the door and wait for the boom. Then storm inside mopping, picking up trash, replacing towels and throwing new rolls of toilet paper everywhere. The guests will get annoyed with you and start complaining in loud voices but get in and out quick enough and you can get the job done. Clean as many rooms as possible before pushing your cleaning cart back down the corridor and into the elevator, granting you another floor of filthy rooms and more time on the clock to finish the job. Run out of time and you’re sacked.
However, the life of a cleaner is full of rules and regulations. As such, you have to be incredibly thorough, or you won’t be allowed to go to the next level. This becomes silly, as you begin to pull plugs out of the bath while guests are still soaking, and fix the sheets with people still trying to sleep. If you love cleaning but hate deadlines, there is even a zen mode, which brings a more Viscera Cleanup Detail style of pacing. Get cleaning, maggot!
I Am The Captain by Tyrus Peace
That’s right, you heard. I am the captain. Not you, or you, or even you. I’M the captain. That means I can do what I want. I can pick up chairs and throw them at your head and you will have to accept that because I am the captain. I can crash on planets and murder all the wildlife there and eat the apples because I am the captain. I want to be utterly clear with you here, I am the captain, not you. I can rip out your heart and throw it out of the room and do you know why? Because I am the captain. I am not a captain. I am THE captain. I can teleport to another ship and kill the crew and take over the bridge because whoever is captain there is not the captain. I am. I am the captain.
Game Studies by Jonathan Lessard & Pippin Barr
Learn about games. Control a brown-suited man through all the stages of videogame academia. Watch how you are cleverly funneled down a single path by punishments on your left and right. Ignore the talking robot ball in the chapter on narrative and ludology (I pushed him over the edge). It all feels like something a bored professor would show to you in a university lecture if they wanted to make fun of you without you knowing it. But as an enemy of the word “immersion”, the final slide is very satisfying to me.
Exit, Consumed By A Bear by Ben Stirling
Those silly thespians. They’ve only gone and left the bear cage unlocked, and now you are free to bring all your ursine rage down upon them. But quietly, from the back of the stage. Control your bear as it peeps onto the boards. Avoid acorns falling from above and take swings at any actor who comes within reach. Eat all the actors before they can finish their play or you are not a good bear.
Pröng by Ilkke
Mutated and disfigured pong substitute. In Pröng there is only one paddle. In Pröng we do not wait for the ball to come to us, we bring the paddle to the ball. In Pröng we do not limit ourselves to our normal speed, we move at bastard speed, even if it makes our paddle smaller. In Pröng the neuro urchins fill the screen, but we do not touch them. In Pröng, there is no stability, only screenshake and techno. You might say that this mutant is not deserving of the name. But you’d be Pröng.
Lord Mayor by Lord Mayor
Hexy town-building. His Majesty the King has entrusted you with the task of being chief town planner. Get your tile-based resource management face on because this city has got it in droves. Slap down farms and cottages to bring in population numbers and keep them fed. Then up your game by building rows of slums. But oh no, the happiness meter is falling fast! Here, build these taverns to keep everyone happy. Carry on in this vein, founding a town full of clinics, churches and gardens while trying to figure out the perfect mystery configuration to keep your population happy, cultured and growing. If you discover it, let me know. Because I just filled the town with as many pubs as possible.
These games were silly. Got some silly free games? Send them to @Brendy_C