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Free Loaders: Learn To Dance Like A Child On Sugar

The best free games of the week!

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Okay, look. I know you’re all off playing No Man’s Sky (hell, I’m playing No Man’s Sky right now) but if you could just find it in your stupid heart to look at this, you’ll be a happier person for it. You’ll drink, you’ll wear some excellent clothes, and you’ll dance (oh how you’ll dance!) Have you ever danced so hard your body started flailing like a cola-fuelled toddler? And yet, you knew, and everyone around you knew, that this – THIS – was how people truly dance. Well, that is how you will dance tonight.

Dress To Express Dancing Success by Team Lazerbeam

Shake your money maker and everything else. Get into that club, dressed to the nines, and show those dancing fools what you can do if you just BELIEVE. Check out the threads on that sweetie. And wow, look at this hot bod. Why, there are hot bods everywhere. Get a drink, get a partner, get on the floor and then get down. Click on each individual body part to get it swinging. Click and hold on your own body to shift it wholesale, waddling like a happy crab up to the love of your night. These gems from Team Lazerbeam are fast becoming some of my favourite things to come across during my trawls through itch.io. First there was the innocent delight of Snow Cones and then the powerful speed-dating of Wrestling With Emotions and now this reaffirming blast of hot rainy nightlife. There’s something so joyous about this stuff. Get out there and get dancing!

Olympics Squared by lexaloffle

Welcome to the clone Olympics. This is a one-button sports dash with a multiplicity of contestants. Take part in the ski jump, javelin hurl and splash dive. Are those the real names of Olympic events? I don’t know. Your athlete will start their run-up. Press your left mouse button to divide the little sportsperson into LOADS of little sportspeoples. Then press the left mouse button again to jump, throw or dive, all at the same time. You’ve got to try and get all your sporters to land between two red flags but with a good enough “spread” for a bonus. My favourite is the diving board, because missing the pool and hitting the tiles causes your divers to jump across the screen, sobbing painfully, like a dying Mario.

Outerworld Image by Team Stretch Dog

Chill photography island. Wander around a bright landscape of strange flora, and wobbly structures, taking photographs to soothe your blisteringly sinful soul. Enjoy the grass, the giant flowers, the rising columns, the thorny archways. What’s that? Is it pretty to look at? Then take a picture by clicking your mouse, then peruse all your photos in the gallery and save your best snaps to the desktop. You know, to remind you of the good times when you were inside a weird, pink game world, and not in this overwhelming collapsible reality.

Robin by Annaliese Bevan, pixecology, J Gracia & yzibelle

Weekend of semi-recuperation. Robin has chronic fatigue syndrome. The doctors can’t find any medical reason why she should be so tired all the time, but she is. Try and make it through the weekend in her flat, cooking dinner, feeding her pet bird and getting some work done. But the tiredness meter ticks down with every chore and you won’t have the time or energy to do everything a healthy person would. I spent most of my weekend prioritising my work and making sure my bird didn’t starve and by the end of it Robin was depressed because she had no shower all weekend. She stank and she had spent no time on the things that keep her sane, like reading or browsing the internet. I think even those of us in good health can sympathise with being unable to fit everything into our day, but it must be doubly hellish for anyone who feels consistently knackered by the build-up of all these small things.

Decided by Meant Games

Jelly freedom fighting. Sneak into randomly generated arenas and find your eyeball friends. There are wobbly guards patrolling the place. Some shoot gobs of pain, others leave a trail or nasty poison that kills you on contact, and others just vacuum up everything in the arena and grow bigger and bigger. Your mission, little blob, is to creep in and stab your foes in the back. When you stab them, you become their colour and can press right-click to take on their form and use their powers to settle some scores. But your shape-shifting won’t last forever. Get your eyeball mate to the exit tube and then escape through the same tube yourself to be a successful blob. This is actually much harder than it looks, and while you can hide behind obstacles and curtains to break line of sight with your pursuers, they can also blow these mini-structures away or gobble them up whole. It’s like a gelatinous Metal Gear Solid with less codec calls and more eyes.

Want more free games? Check out the Best of Free Loaders collection or our list of the 50 best free games on PC. Got a free game yourself? Give it to @Brendy_C for safekeeping

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Who am I?

Brendan Caldwell

Staff Writer

Brendan likes all types of games. To him there is wisdom in Crusader Kings 2, valour in Dark Souls, and tragicomedy in Nidhogg.

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