Zam! Kapow! Wonk! Telltale’s Batman Ep 2 On the 20th

“Bring back Joel Schumacher, all is forgiven,” our Alec said in his Wot I Think of the first episode of Telltale’s Batman series [official site]. Not a fan, that one. Found it a bit tedious, he did. Too familiar a Batstory. And I’m totally with him – I miss Joel Schumacher’s Batman too. So look, here’s the news: Episode 2 of Telltale’s Batman will arrive on September 20th and it will be named Children of Arkham. Now that’s out the way, we can focus on imagining Joel Schumacher’s Batman – The Telltale Series.

I get it: Bruce Batwayne is a serious man with serious issues. I’ve seen the films, read the comics, and watched the TV show. Nowadays I understand he’s committing mass murder and speaking in a voice so low only whales can hear. He’s also a big ol’ goofball larking about in a make-believe world wearing his jim-jams, and I’d like to see more of that fella in video games.

I want Batman grinding his Batsoapshoes down a dinosaur:

I want goofy gangs covered in neon paint:

I want imagery without the slightest shred of subtlety:

I want car chases down the arms of colossal statues:

I want Batman tripping his tits off at a grubby charity auction and trying to buy a date with Poison Ivy using his GOTHCARD:

I want even more neon gangs:

I want pick-up lines like “I’ll bring the wine, you bring your scarred psyche.”

God help me, I even want these stupid bastard puns, plus at least one awful pun as an option in every conversation:

Maybe for season two, yeah Telltale?


  1. TheAngriestHobo says:

    He’s a batman. Not a batolescent.

  2. mattevansc3 says:

    That first screenshot just makes me pine for that Archer game RPS talked about a while ago.

  3. mattevansc3 says:

    I’ve just started introducing my daughter to the old Justice League Unlimited cartoon (my wife thinks she’s too young at 3 1/2 but I’m bored of Dora the Explorer) and that’s the Batman I’ve been missing all these years.

    It treats Batman like an actual person. He’s serious without being grim dark and he is funny without going into the campy Adam West style.

    It’s almost like a post Snyder era Batman. He’s a superhero at odds with himself because he want’s these connections with other superheroes but his Batman persona, that is itself both a mask for his insecurities and a shield against being emotionally hurt again is preventing those connections from growing.

    • bill says:

      How can you be bored of Dora????

      I tried introducing my daughter to Batman: The Animated Series at about age 4… but the opening credits with the shadows and explosions freaked her out.

      • bill says:

        PS/ So I went with She-Ra.

        Hordak is kinda scary, and the opening 4 part introduction was too confusing, but after we skipped that it was all fun and games and flying unicorns and throwing bad guys into barrels.

        Geek note: Technically, She-Ra might be able to beat superman.

    • Dare_Wreck says:

      I’m with your wife on this one. I look forward to eventually showing my toddler Justice League Unlimited too, but there’s just too much in it that would be scary for a little kid, from the cartoon violence to the aliens. I don’t know what an appropriate age would be to start (perhaps whatever the age is where they can literally tell you that it’s not real), but 3 and a half seems way too early.

      • BarneyL says:

        Kids are odd at that age, my daughter can’t cope with the bears in Brave but has repeatedly requested the 12 certificate animated Wonder Woman film.

  4. NailBombed says:

    B-b-but Batman! He’s supposed to be Grim! GRIMMMMMMM! Grim with extra gravel sauce and a side order of wangst! He works ALOOOONE! His parents are DEEEEEAD!

    The GrimDark Knight is no less silly than the CampBat from the 60’s show and Schumacher. How can you deny the BatNips? Look at them, they’re glorious!

  5. Buggery says:

    Batman is a patently ridiculous concept and I am bored of media trying to explore “what it means to be batman.”

    Batman is an adolescent power fantasy under the guise of a right-wing ubermensch. He’s Judge Dredd without the satire and completely lacks any self-awareness.

    Bring back 50’s batman. Have him dance the batutsi while Gotham burns. Have the joker be an excitable latino man with a penchant for novelty sized bombs.

    Enough with the seriousness. Have fun with the stupid character or put him out of his eternally angsty misery/get him some cognitive behavioural therapy.

    With that said by all means let someone make a Judge Dredd game that requires you to UPHOLD THE LAW at all times. Like the first 5 minutes of that one terrible Dredd Vs. Death.