Have You Played… Lula 3D?

Have You Played? is an endless stream of game retrospectives. One a day, every day of the year, perhaps for all time.

The Lula series was always quite the thing, a run of soft porn games from German devs Cdv Software, but, madly, management games. Take, for instance, the second game, Wet Attack: The Empire Cums Back. This was a game in which you controlled a spaceship, searching the galaxy for Lula, while upgrading your ship, improving stats, and when docked, er, running a brothel. But Lula 3D stepped away from such things to focus much more on willies. (Warning: a NSFW pic appears below.)

This third game opted for point-and-click, with a middle aged Lula running a Playboy-style mansion packed with nubile girls and boys all boinking each other around the place. But alas and alacrity! Three of her top porn stars, triplets, are kidnapped, and she must set off on the rescue. Or hang around the mansion and have weirdly animated non-sex.

The industry really lacks for good sex games, and Lula 3D is a splendid example of how badly attempts tend to go. Aside from being a terrible, terrible game, it gets sexy and sex so very wrong. While it wastes no time in showing you horrendously poorly rendered bare ladies, it has the most remarkable shyness about erections, meaning when these cartoon men have sex it’s just whacking a flaccid penis against the poor women. Even more existentially concerning, these couples tend to be there purely decoratively, meaning their weird, empty sex acts last forever, neither couple ever reach orgasm. It’s a brutal commentary on something.

Is it in yet?

It goes on to feature game-ending bugs like an adventure from 1989, features voice actors who genuinely appear to be struggling to read, and some of the weirdest dialogue ever. After Lula goes for a wee she says, “Yeah, all the best. Maybe not the best of everything.”

From this site

55 Comments

  1. vorador says:

    No, thank god i haven’t. It sounds absolutely dreadful.

    • 7vincent7black7 says:

      In the 2 years that I’ve been following RPS, this is the first time I’ve encountered “Have You Played…” articles featuring bad games that are most certainly NOT being Recommended by the OP. And I’m seeing 2 or 3 of these things on this wall here. :o

  2. Takeda says:

    When i saw the title of the article at first i thought it was a game about being a corrupt brazilian president in 3D.

  3. C0llic says:

    No, but Mr. Cobbett did so none of us have to. A very funny crapshoot:

    link to pcgamer.com

  4. geldonyetich says:

    I watched somebody playing this on YouTube. It was almost so bad it was good. It was basically just a 3D point and click adventure with an extraordinarily kludgy engine that made it hard to control and play. Here and there were meaningless vignettes of sex, non-interactive, having nothing to do with what you were doing.

    It was an inadvertent lamp shading of the banal futility of trying to live by a pornographer’s vision while going about your day to day. “Have you guys seen the remote control? No? Just going to sit there screwing all day? Anyway, I have pixel hunting to do, so I’ll leave you two to it. Damn, I got caught on the door frame. Hang on, just keep ignoring me, I’ll be out of your hair in a bit.”

  5. Babymech says:

    “but, madly, management games” is the name of my next game-themed post-post-rock band, after “we were promised wallhacks” falls apart.

    • Geebs says:

      I’m calling dibs on “Exclusive Pre-order Weapon Skin”

      • warenhaus says:

        ok, so mine is “Day One DLC”. After we break up and reunite, it will be under the banner of “Day One DLC and the Pay to Wieners”.

  6. Premium User Badge

    Risingson says:

    No, but I read about it many many times. Thanks heavens that video games are escaping that sad depressing views on sex. I mean, was there ever anyone turned on by this stuff?

    • Poor People says:

      “I mean, was there ever anyone turned on by this stuff?”

      With some imagination, yes. If there were gamers in 1982 that could get off to Atari 2600 porn games like X-Man, Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em and Custer’s Revenge, I’m pretty sure it was much easier for people playing Lula games.

      “Thanks heavens that video games are escaping that sad depressing views on sex.”

      That’s not true at all. The mainstream video game industry may had only dabbled in gratuitous sex sparingly, but Lula was an underground porn game, and underground porn games continue to be in demand to this day. Just look at the popularity of H-games.

      • Neurotic says:

        Not sure what you mean by “underground” here. Lula was always a mainstream release, published to retail like every other game of the time.

      • Nick says:

        and they are selling hentai visual novels on steam now.

        • Premium User Badge

          Risingson says:

          Really, I thought that the difference between “having many options” and “having only this kind of option” was quite obvious. Of course there are still hentai games, but there are plenty of thematic options around there.

      • Premium User Badge

        DelrueOfDetroit says:

        Is there anyone turned on by the robot sex in games like The Witcher or Mass Effect?

  7. satan says:

    There is still a huge market/demand out there for porn games, even half-baked concepts destined to fail are pulling in decent money over at Patreon.

    • geldonyetich says:

      If you’re encouraging development on whatever there’s demand for, might as well endorse drug dealing while you’re at it. It’s the same thing: because there’s twits who can’t help spend money on their base impulses, lets exploit them.

      Granted, I don’t know what I’m expecting from a guy who thinks the name of the biblical whipping boy of all things naughty would make a great Internet handle.

      • satan says:

        Wow.

        I picked a short name I wouldn’t forget, as I’m a pretty irregular poster, and find I forget a username more often than a password.

        As for your other point, I’m not even sure what to say, I used the term porn as it was used in the original post, and didn’t want to take discussion too far off topic by saying things like ‘adult interactive fiction’ or ‘dating sim’. But that’s the thing with porn, the definition is so broad that it can mean very different things to different people…

        • Sin Vega says:

          As temptations go, “pointing out that porn games are an underserved niche” is not the high point of your career, though.

        • Premium User Badge

          Captain Narol says:

          “Please allow me to introduce myself
          I’m a man of wealth and taste
          I’ve been around for a long, long year
          Stole many a man’s soul to waste”

          I’d say it was a good name to pick to comment on this subject, no reason to blame the guy !

        • Kala says:

          I’ve gone by a similarly themed nickname, because I used it ages ago and I quite like Luci for short (more so since WicDiv).

          People Who Are Wrong on the Internet have brought it up on occasion to try and score points. Just means they didn’t a better point to make (a bit like when people start nitpicking over typos).

          Don’t take it personally. The snide aside says more about them than it does about you.

      • Distec says:

        Really having trouble envisioning this dystopia where satisfying the market’s demand for crappy porn games is a net loss for society.

        • April March says:

          I can imagine a very flimsy argument that people working on porn games are wasting talents that could be put to better use elsewhere, but most people would say that about anything they don’t personally like.

      • Nick says:

        sex and drugs are the same thing guys, both evil. Curse you Satan!

      • Phasma Felis says:

        Uh. I mean, I have no interest in porn games either, but saying that enjoying porn is literally equivalent to going out of your skull on crack is bizarrely prudish of you.

        • programmdude says:

          I think he was more drawing a connection between sex and drugs both being base urges. But so is eating and sleeping, and nobody is giving any shits about video games including both of those elements either.

          • geldonyetich says:

            Really what I’m saying is that the ends don’t justify the means. Sure, there’s a lot of sleazy things you could do to make money because you know the demand is out there. Doesn’t mean you should. Because, in the end, money is just a number, and if it’s incentivizing people to do the wrong thing then it’s not working right.

            However, a Rock Paper Shotgun comment thread is not a place to attempt to hold a typically massive Internet sophomoric debate on a hot button topic as obvious as, “Should the acquisition of money justify your acts?” Frankly, I’m a tad pessimistic about what the more popular answer might turn out to be.

          • Llewyn says:

            However, a Rock Paper Shotgun comment thread is not a place to attempt to hold a typically massive Internet sophomoric debate on a hot button topic as obvious as, “Should the acquisition of money justify your acts?” Frankly, I’m a tad pessimistic about what the more popular answer might turn out to be.

            What a repugnant way to suggest your own moral superiority by conveniently re-framing the question. The thing you haven’t justified, and ought to if you’re going to be so unpleasantly sanctimonious, is why games featuring sexual content are something which needs justification in an environment where so many mainstream games are extremely violent.

          • satan says:

            It’s still a shame you turned this whole thing adversarial with your first post, what I was referring to in my first post was the article on pcgamer (link to pcgamer.com) about just one project on patreon that was pulling in $40k+ a month, when it was lacking direction, detail, accountability and unlikely to ever be completed.

            I really can’t say anything else on topic as you’ve seized the moral high ground (the original way of shutting down discussion) and turned what I’d hoped would be a mature discussion, into a ridiculous logical extremity contest on the fringe of a topic I had absolutely no interest in (human nature… I’m still just shaking my head in disbelief over here).

          • geldonyetich says:

            What a repugnant way to suggest your own moral superiority by conveniently re-framing the question. The thing you haven’t justified, and ought to if you’re going to be so unpleasantly sanctimonious, is why games featuring sexual content are something which needs justification in an environment where so many mainstream games are extremely violent.

            To me, it is at least as repugnant to suggest you are morally superior because you selectively knitpick the posts of people you’ve decided you don’t like in such a way that you will move the goalposts to an argument you know you can win. In actuality, what you’ve done here is lie to make yourself look better for the peanut gallery.

          • geldonyetich says:

            It’s still a shame you turned this whole thing adversarial with your first post, what I was referring to in my first post was the article on pcgamer (link to pcgamer.com) about just one project on patreon that was pulling in $40k+ a month, when it was lacking direction, detail, accountability and unlikely to ever be completed.

            Sure, if you completely ignore the context to which you replied, I suppose we can pretend that’s what you were implying.

      • aepervius says:

        Thanks the family the usage of religious character is neither copyrighted nor protected and if it hurt the soft skin of some too bad, I Lloyd still have my Freya, Satan, Jesus, shiva, heimdall and Zeus character or nickname no matter who think this has any meaning or not.

        Greece.

      • Premium User Badge

        corinoco says:

        Santa likes being whipped? You mean I’ve been leaving out cookies and beer for nothing?

  8. preshrunk_cyberpunk says:

    People actually play this shit eh?

  9. Shuck says:

    What is going on with that character in the first picture? Is she supposed to look like she’s wearing a human skin mask?

  10. BlackeyeVuk says:

    I played Lula 3D , for an hour at my friends house.
    One erotic game that I played in full was Airline 69: Return to Casablanca . That game was epic tho.

  11. Premium User Badge

    Captain Narol says:

    If you look for a GOOD porn game with some challenging gameplay, I strongly recommand the indie-made SEDUCE ME :

    link to digeratidistribution.com

    Not to be confused with the visual novel “Seduce me Otome” that you can find on stream, this one was pulled out from Greenlight in 2012 for unfair reasons (IMHO).

  12. Vedharta says:

    Germany had quite a thing with games like that, and all the devs seem to have started out on Amiga.

    Another big one was Biing! Sex Intrigen und Skapellen, a really terrible sex clinic management game.

    What is the fascinating part in a way is that this was a 19 floppy disk game costing a 130 Marks, rough guestimate that’s not far off from a 110 euro game nowadays…

    Its surprising one could keep a company alive on such a expensive and seemingly niche product.

    • Distec says:

      As an American who ended up living in Europe for most of their developing childhood, coming across Wet Attack just laying on the software shelf in an electronics store was something of a cultural eye-opener.

      1999 Self, mostly used to the US Target selection: “So… this is… this is what Germans play?”

      • Vedharta says:

        But do remember that Doom was the work of Satan and full of blood that would make us all amok killers :-D

        • warenhaus says:

          both Doom & Doom II were on the list, prohibiting ads for them. Stayed there until 2011.

  13. Jerppa says:

    I played it for the articles.

  14. Phasma Felis says:

    “Warning: a NSFW pic appears below.”

    A NSFW pic appears above, Jesus Christ. Maybe half-naked BDSM is a common workplace occurrence in enlightened Britain, but in most of the world NSFW does not mean “full frontal and full frontal only”.

    • aepervius says:

      I live in Germany and nobody said anything Boutique the bdsm doll above my desk … ;)

  15. Someoldguy says:

    There are thousands of ‘erotic’ games out there being made today. Few of them are any good and even fewer of them will ever be finished, but there are some gems among all the dross that aren’t just bad attempts at porn. Generally ones like the Steve Meretzky classics that used text to titillate and not badly drawn graphics.

    There was a hint of a good game in the 2nd phase of WET, another Lula game, but the rest of the Lula games were truly awful. Thankfully the PCG review saved me from wasting any cash on Lula 3D.

  16. Creeping Death says:

    Hmmm… I think maybe it’s time we gave up on this article concept.

    Remember when that intro line used to read “Have You Played? is an endless stream of game recommendations. One a day, every day of the year, perhaps for all time.”? Good times.

  17. Spacewalk says:

    Wow, first a Friday the 13th announcement and a retrospective of a Bride Of Chucky game in the same week!

  18. Voqar says:

    Never heard of this game before and would’ve been fine with keeping it that way.

  19. 90fpsgames says:

    I don’t know, how they can develop good erotic games if the genre still new, I mean once they get a good gameplay this games have huge potential, but I’m not talking about lula 3d or playboy mansion, this games are very far from what I would expect from a good erotic game, it needs more fantasy, it doesn’t need to be realistic, its a game in the end you know