Have You Played? is an endless stream of game retrospectives. One a day, every day of the year, perhaps for all time.
The Lula series was always quite the thing, a run of soft porn games from German devs Cdv Software, but, madly, management games. Take, for instance, the second game, Wet Attack: The Empire Cums Back. This was a game in which you controlled a spaceship, searching the galaxy for Lula, while upgrading your ship, improving stats, and when docked, er, running a brothel. But Lula 3D stepped away from such things to focus much more on willies. (Warning: a NSFW pic appears below.)
This third game opted for point-and-click, with a middle aged Lula running a Playboy-style mansion packed with nubile girls and boys all boinking each other around the place. But alas and alacrity! Three of her top porn stars, triplets, are kidnapped, and she must set off on the rescue. Or hang around the mansion and have weirdly animated non-sex.
The industry really lacks for good sex games, and Lula 3D is a splendid example of how badly attempts tend to go. Aside from being a terrible, terrible game, it gets sexy and sex so very wrong. While it wastes no time in showing you horrendously poorly rendered bare ladies, it has the most remarkable shyness about erections, meaning when these cartoon men have sex it’s just whacking a flaccid penis against the poor women. Even more existentially concerning, these couples tend to be there purely decoratively, meaning their weird, empty sex acts last forever, neither couple ever reach orgasm. It’s a brutal commentary on something.
It goes on to feature game-ending bugs like an adventure from 1989, features voice actors who genuinely appear to be struggling to read, and some of the weirdest dialogue ever. After Lula goes for a wee she says, “Yeah, all the best. Maybe not the best of everything.”