Free Loaders: You are terrible at skateboarding

Three villages have been destroyed after a pack of free games escaped from a local “game jam” this week. The rabid games have been spotted roaming the British countryside, leaving a wake of terror and confusion everywhere they go. Some are thought to have originated from ProcJam. If you spot any of the following free games, do not engage. Back away slowly, locate an escape route and avoid eye contact, if applicable.

Proc Skater 2016 by Joseph Parker and Ryan Jones

Buggy procedural skatepark. Live your dream of being a balding disaster on a skateboard. Or maybe you’ll be a grey-faced woman with luscious long hair, or a dour-looking guy with a bad case of gaping mouth. Whatever your randomly generated skater and their randomly generated name, you’ll be tearing it up in the wobbliest, sickest fashion in your also-randomly-generated skatepark. The layout of which is also based on your name as a seed. Isn’t technology fabulous? And if you don’t want to forget your twisting, garbled attempts at grinding that rail, you can also immortalise your “tricks” by pressing the L key to take a short GIF recording. This is a feature I wish all games had. Not just the ones where you can fall and hit your randomly-generated face off the randomly-generated floor.

Fidelium Automata by Dmitry Degtyarev

Tiny cross-breeding god simulator. Take charge of four miniature races on a petri dish style map, and shape their lives by introducing plants for them to eat or by striking them with lightning for larks. Periodically, one or more of the littl’uns will start to worship you and sacrifice members of their own species to you, granting you mana. A passable god will use this mana for more plants and lightning, but a great god will use it for the more divinity-intensive job of fusing two species together to create a third type of animal, then dropping a clump of this new beast into the world to see how it fares. Spoiler: it does not always fare well.

Scooch by HopSkippFall

Park your car good. Sliding around a car park at high speeds, trying to slot your disobedient vehicle into a parking space with minimal error, is a hard task. Practice doing it in a game. This is gamepad only, sadly, but the feeling of chasing that high score dragon is immediate. Ultra-quick restarts and slippery controls have you trying again and again to beat your previous best, as depicted by a little ghost car racing through the parking spaces alongside you. Then when you finally get that coveted three-star rating for each level, after shaving some seconds off with a tight corner, it’s onto the next challenge. This is some raw videogamesing right here.

T H E YV by voidwaste

Wonky, hallucinogenic dander in a temple of colourfuzz and statues. The statues are frozen in contemplation but they burble with weird music and each of them has three small altars with different notions enscripted on them. “Work”, “Fog”, “Lull”, “Education”, “Travel”. The ground is strewn with staticky garbage. Bottles, cans, computer screens, books. There is a connection and a task to complete. The statues want your help, but I’m not sure if you’ll be unnerved or enthused when you aid them.

Well This Is Awkward by Emma Kidwell

It sure is. One minute you’re fooling around with your malefriend, the next minute you are in the midst of a condom emergency. Out you go to buy some johnnies in this interactive fiction piece, because this is 2016 (*spits*) and you should be happy to do this with absolutely minimum fluster or awkwardness. Right? WRONG. You are rubbish. You can’t even grab a pack of dick balloons from the local without adding chocolate and wine to your shopping basket to make it feel less socially embarrassing. What is wrong with you? You need to step it up. You need to step it up lots.

ElevaTerror by Poor Track Design

Catch the elevator. Your hotel is seven floors tall and no way are you walking that. You should catch the elevator. Press the button and wait for it to come in this game from the same creator that had you walking around a labyrinth of multicoloured payphones in Call of Dudley. Anyway, the elevator should be here any second now. Any second. You can waste some time by glancing out the window, if you like. There’s not much to see, except… what’s that down there? Are those… sofas?

Acre 6 by Blendo Games

Go questing across a vast map of monsters, magic and loot, without the hassle of having to actually play any game.

This Is Fine by Nick Kaman

Tale of calmness. Taking a burning leaf from the well-worn kcgreen comic of the same punchline, this is just a small interactive animation about fires. Some fires can be put out, others cannot. What do you do in that case? Have some friends over for marshmallows, obviously.

Want more free games? Check out the Best of Free Loaders collection or check our newly updated list of the 50 best free games on PC. Got a free game yourself? Give it to @Brendy_C or suffer the consequences of a life half-lived

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3 Comments

  1. Premium User Badge

    DelrueOfDetroit says:

    Well at least now we know whether Brendan spits or swallows.

    Also: link to youtube.com

  2. Drib says:

    Freeloaders is my favorite RPS feature. I really love seeing all the weird crap that people put out there for free.

    Keep on doing it, RPS, good show.

  3. Rorschach617 says:

    I am trying to remember a couple of games brought up by Freeloaders a while back.

    One was a side-scroller where you had to stab the king then take his place and avoid assassinations.
    The other was a game where the programmer kept telling you not to play the game, it was not ready.

    Can anyone remember their titles? I would like to have another go at them.

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