Free Loaders: Heist, heist baby

Oh look, you’re back. Last year was interesting, wasn’t it? Hopefully 2017 has good things in store, both in terms of free games and the continuation of human history. We’re off to a strong start on the games side, anyway. Come into our digital den of dastardly downloads as we explore some of the finer details of your personality, including but not limited to:

  • Criminality
  • False consciousness
  • Bad diet
  • Poor hygeine

Tiny Heist by Terry Cavanagh

Brave burglary rouguelite starring your favourite dashing ‘@’ symbol. As a master criminal you know what it takes to scale the tower and steal the loot, even if each level of the building is laced with cameras, guards, detectors, and guard dogs, all of which have their own behaviours and view cones. Tip toe space by space, bash baddies when they’re not looking, or wait for the next patrol to pass silently with careful presses of the ‘Z’ key. Along the way you get useful tools, like a cardboard box that temporarily hides you from sight, a banana to slip folks up, a lightbulb that illuminates the otherwise shrouded levels, an electric pulse to disable cameras, a randomised teleporter, and so on and so on. It’s tough getting to the top (I haven’t managed it) but with quick restarts and random level layouts, it’s a compulsive little ditty to be sure.

Memory Game by Holly Gramazio

“But this isn’t a computer game!” Shut up, reader. It’s free, and that’s all you deserve. Gramazio, of Artners fame, occaisionally comes up with small games to play with friends, around a pub table, after a movie night, while walking to the bus stop. Games like this one about inventing absurd videogame titles. But Memory Game requires some pens and paper at least. Her own explanation is best, but the basic idea is that you and three to five friends must all invent false but happy memories of times you spent together and secrete them in an envelope. Then, over years, you reinforce these memories through repetition. If at any point your friends start to believe the memory, adding details which previously never existed or insisting that, yes, Joan was there, she was eating a watermelon slice on the deck of the houseboat, you need to break out the envelope in which you have hidden the false memories all those years. Congratulations, you’ve won. Unless, of course, it’s your own memory that’s at fault. It’s a pretty big time investment and somewhat impractical. But who doesn’t want to be confronted with a Memento-like false reality at some point in the distant future?

Horrors Anonymous by Ben Chill

Therapy session for a host of paranormal creatures. As the therapist of this group you need to carefully and delicately advise these frail, uh, people. The vampire is sad that he can’t fit in with his neighbours, the mummy is upset that his previous life as an all-powerful geopolitical leader is over, and the werewolf is experiencing so much low-level discrimination that it is making him cry right there and then as he tells you about it. “This guy needs professional help,” you think. “Unfortunately, he’s come to you instead.” Your therapist is not a nice one. Duplicitous, and with a tone of false concern, you give each monster some advice after listening to them and wrap things up. Then the game gives you a rundown of how their lives went after that. And despite your half-hearted wisdom, many of them actually reach a state of hapinness. Good job, therapy!

You Are What You Eat by ratly

Balanced diet propaganda. A trip to the restaurant sees a conveyor belt of food making it’s way toward your gaping maw, just like always. But by pressing space you can open or close your mouth, proving by your food choices that you are a “good eater”. You need to balance two meters here: happiness and humanity. Too much fruit and veg and you’ll be a sad, hungry person. Too much junk and you’ll literally become a giant piece of bread with fried chicken for an arm – that is what happens. How long can you survive? I got 55 seconds, then I went downstairs and cooked three slices of leftover pizza.

Good Impression by Ellian

Good behaviour and tidiness propaganda. Your mum is coming over to your new apartment in exactly three minutes – and it is a dump. There’s garbage, laundry, dirty plates and food everywhere. You have those three minutes to get your house in order. Quick, put the pizza boxes in the cupboard! Throw the socks into the oven! Hide the cereal in the drawers! Oh, you’re not supposed to do any of that? Well, I guess that’s why mum gave me an ‘F’ grade when she visited and had a look around. This is an outrage. 51% tidiness sounds passable to me.

Want more free games? Check out the Best of Free Loaders collection or check our list of the 50 best free games on PC. Got a free game yourself? Give it to @Brendy_C or fall deeper into your pit of despondency

8 Comments

  1. Jackablade says:

    Man, I can’t believe after Terry Cavanagh asked for name suggestions on Twitter he went with Tiny Heist instead of my suggestion Ambulent Strudel. Just for that I’m not going to play his game. Alright, I’ll play his game, but I’m no going to like it. Well, maybe I’ll like it a little bit.

  2. caff says:

    Horrors Anonymous is superbly written, and very funny. I don’t often like those Twine style games, but this one was well worth a play.

  3. hoho0482 says:

    Cooked? Let over pizza should be eaten cold, ideally with left over curry smeared on top also.