It’s the weekly Steam charts! These are the games which sold best on Steam last week. This week, it’s the first true chart of 2017, as the last one covered the arse-end of 2016. All change, all change.
I’m even going to do this one upside-down. New year, new rules! And I don’t want to spoil the surprise right away.
I hope you’re ready for the surprise. It’s quite the surprise! The finest surprise of 2017, if I say so myself.
Surprise! It’s a rocket that looks like a big willy. No, that’s not the actual surprise, though it is slightly surprising. Not as surprising as the time PC Gamer featured a long rocket with two round pods at the bottom on its Civilization III cover back in the day, mind you.
The real surprise will be along soon. I suggest sitting down in readiness. If you’ve recently had a big meal, you might want to consider undoing the top button of your trousers, skirt, jeggings, jodhpurs or, if you’re a jemble, the lowest button of your waistcoat.
I’m sorry. I know you’re terribly keen to find out what the surprise is – I’m just getting things ready. Cleaning the table, emptying the turds out of the cat litter tray, wiping the dead flies off the blinds, that sort of thing. I think we’d all be disappointed if we didn’t greet the surprise in style.
I’m positively bursting with excitement, and I already know what the surprise is. I honestly don’t know how you can even bear the anticipation. I’m so sorry, you really must think me a dreadful tease. Here’s a GIF to help you with the wait:
Rollercoasters are surprising, aren’t they? That mingled feeling of excitement and terror when it’s very slowly ratcheting you up the hill, knowing that any moment now you’ll be plunged downwards at spectacular speed, your brain slamming pleasantly into the back of your skull and your stomach tickling the bottom of your lungs. We all love that kind of surprise. The surprise I’ve got in store for you is even better than that.
Even better, I would say, than the time I was on a rollercoaster and my glasses fell off when it went upside down, but quite by chance the ‘coaster was positioned in such a way that another carriage was directly underneath mine at the time. A very nice but ever so slightly mocking man whose lap the glasses fell into handed them back to me afterwards, after seeing me stumble around half-blind, hands outstretched, fury on my face.
That was a very good surprise. Hmm. How confident am I that this coming surprise really is as good as, let alone better than that? Hmm. I fear I’m losing my nerve. Perhaps I should cancel the surprise.
5. The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt – Game of the Year Edition
Look, I’ve been thinking about this and I really don’t think we should proceed. I’ve set expectations far too high and, just like all those people who think a short-tempered, bewigged, billionaire narcissist actually has even the faintest interest in improving their lives, you’re going to feel terribly disappointed when the reality becomes apparent.
On the other hand, this surprise is going to be so good. Really the best. You’re going to be so surprised, folks. And I love the easily-surprised, I really do.
Oho, look, a brand new entry! Surprise! No, no, I’m only joking – I wouldn’t do that to you. This isn’t the surprise. It’s just a pre-surprise.
If you’re feeling far too excited and worried you just can’t handle it, try thinking about how rich Edmund McMillen is by now instead. That’ll bring you right back down to Earth.
The calm before the storm. The predictable, unchanging calm. The great greyness of the ever-there, the always-bought, the ur-shooting game, the constant and the great unanswered question – who does not already own this? If it really is here because banned players keep buying new copies, what kind of a business model even is this? Let us spend a few moments caught on the horn of this vexing dilemma before our rollercoaster thrillingly plunges into mystery and wonder.