Steam Charts: Do You Want Me To Dance For You?

It’s the weekly Steam charts! These are the games which sold best on Steam last week. This week, it’s the first true chart of 2017, as the last one covered the arse-end of 2016. All change, all change.

I’m even going to do this one upside-down. New year, new rules! And I don’t want to spoil the surprise right away.

10. Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six Siege

I hope you’re ready for the surprise. It’s quite the surprise! The finest surprise of 2017, if I say so myself.

9. Sid Meier’s Civilization VI

Surprise! It’s a rocket that looks like a big willy. No, that’s not the actual surprise, though it is slightly surprising. Not as surprising as the time PC Gamer featured a long rocket with two round pods at the bottom on its Civilization III cover back in the day, mind you.

The real surprise will be along soon. I suggest sitting down in readiness. If you’ve recently had a big meal, you might want to consider undoing the top button of your trousers, skirt, jeggings, jodhpurs or, if you’re a jemble, the lowest button of your waistcoat.

8. ARK: Survival Evolved

I’m sorry. I know you’re terribly keen to find out what the surprise is – I’m just getting things ready. Cleaning the table, emptying the turds out of the cat litter tray, wiping the dead flies off the blinds, that sort of thing. I think we’d all be disappointed if we didn’t greet the surprise in style.

7. H1Z1: King of the Kill

I’m positively bursting with excitement, and I already know what the surprise is. I honestly don’t know how you can even bear the anticipation. I’m so sorry, you really must think me a dreadful tease. Here’s a GIF to help you with the wait:

6. Planet Coaster

Rollercoasters are surprising, aren’t they? That mingled feeling of excitement and terror when it’s very slowly ratcheting you up the hill, knowing that any moment now you’ll be plunged downwards at spectacular speed, your brain slamming pleasantly into the back of your skull and your stomach tickling the bottom of your lungs. We all love that kind of surprise. The surprise I’ve got in store for you is even better than that.

Even better, I would say, than the time I was on a rollercoaster and my glasses fell off when it went upside down, but quite by chance the ‘coaster was positioned in such a way that another carriage was directly underneath mine at the time. A very nice but ever so slightly mocking man whose lap the glasses fell into handed them back to me afterwards, after seeing me stumble around half-blind, hands outstretched, fury on my face.

That was a very good surprise. Hmm. How confident am I that this coming surprise really is as good as, let alone better than that? Hmm. I fear I’m losing my nerve. Perhaps I should cancel the surprise.

5. The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt – Game of the Year Edition

Look, I’ve been thinking about this and I really don’t think we should proceed. I’ve set expectations far too high and, just like all those people who think a short-tempered, bewigged, billionaire narcissist actually has even the faintest interest in improving their lives, you’re going to feel terribly disappointed when the reality becomes apparent.

4. Astroneer

On the other hand, this surprise is going to be so good. Really the best. You’re going to be so surprised, folks. And I love the easily-surprised, I really do.

3. The Binding of Isaac: Afterbirth+

Oho, look, a brand new entry! Surprise! No, no, I’m only joking – I wouldn’t do that to you. This isn’t the surprise. It’s just a pre-surprise.

If you’re feeling far too excited and worried you just can’t handle it, try thinking about how rich Edmund McMillen is by now instead. That’ll bring you right back down to Earth.

2. Counter-Strike: Global Offensive

The calm before the storm. The predictable, unchanging calm. The great greyness of the ever-there, the always-bought, the ur-shooting game, the constant and the great unanswered question – who does not already own this? If it really is here because banned players keep buying new copies, what kind of a business model even is this? Let us spend a few moments caught on the horn of this vexing dilemma before our rollercoaster thrillingly plunges into mystery and wonder.

1. Grand Theft Auto V

37 Comments

  1. Lacessit says:

    *TOOOOOOOT*

  2. prostetnik says:

    Great, now I spilled my coffee…
    I think you could add stronger warnings before a surprise like this!

  3. Premium User Badge

    phuzz says:

    Why are they called The Vengaboys when half of them are ladies?

    *edit, their wikipedia page is amazing:
    “Shortly before the release of their third studio album, Pors left the group to pursue a solo career and was replaced by dolphin trainer Yorick Bakker.”

  4. Minsc_N_Boo says:

    Wooooo! What a great surprise. It gets even better when you combine the music with the Alan Partridge gif.

    Also liking the new Top of the Pops countdown list…..What will be number 1 next week? :-D

  5. Premium User Badge

    DelrueOfDetroit says:

    Alec, how’s your Casey Kasem impersonation coming along?

  6. RaoulDuke says:

    Alec, your willy isn’t right and I’m concerned, although I’m sure you said you’ve fathered children – so maybe the rocket-boosters helped in some way.

  7. BTAxis says:

    I do not, in fact, own CS:GO. Surprise?

    • Otterley says:

      Nor do I. It seems rather successful though. I am a bit tempted – must check how much it costs…

    • Premium User Badge

      Don Reba says:

      Nor I. Let’s all buy it next week!

    • Darth Gangrel says:

      I own Counter-Strike: Source as part of my Half-Life: Source purchase, but not CS:GO.

      I am however intrigued and baffled by the reason behind its evergreen-iness. Alec points out something disturbing and even globally offensive when he ponders whether “it really is here because banned players keep buying new copies”. What kind of business model is that, indeed?!

      Money makes everything weird, is my short answer. Besides, Valve have often employed a “don’t fix what ain’t broken” approach and since all we can do is vote with our wallets, the purchasers of CS:GO clearly like this business model.

  8. Optimaximal says:

    One day, I’m going to buy GTA V on Steam, fresh in the knowledge that I, too, have contributed towards Alec’s slow descent into madness.

    • ChipDipson says:

      i bought it for myself and three friends that’s my bad AM

  9. AbyssUK says:

    Has there been any serious journalism into steam sales of CS:GO and GTA V.. it’s getting really silly now.. could some sort of money laundering / tax dodge be going on here.. is there enough money in play ?? Valve are making a plenty and they only take a smallish part… I remember CS:GO having a gambling problem.. does GTA V too ?? Are people using multiple copies to screw the odds on things ?

    Seriously banned accounts must make whole new steam users right.. does steam publish a steam user count??.. does it support this theory that its banned people buying more copies… who watches the watchmen ?

    • modzero says:

      GTA V is a money laundering scheme for drug traders, and CS:GO is actually an ISIS front.

      • Jediben says:

        Of course it is also a world spanning counter terrorism organisation at the same time.

    • welverin says:

      A year ago Valve said there were 125 million active users on Steam. According to Steamspy ~26 million people own CS:GO and ~6.5 million own GTA5.

      Put that together and there are a whole lot more people who don’t own those games than do. In a normal week it probably only takes sales in the thousands to end up at the top of the heap, and it may not even take that. So, it’s not like these things need to be selling millions of copies a week to show up on this list.

  10. thedosbox says:

    I think Alec is slowly losing his mind doing these.

    And if we’re posting shitty music, there’s this classic:

    • Barchester says:

      Oh god, thank you for this. :’D Best laugh I’ve had in ages.

    • Chorltonwheelie says:

      Brilliant. Giggling ahoy. Thanks.
      (Needs to go on the Youtube thread of Youtube awesomeness).

    • RosalietheDog says:

      My God, there’s a whole channel. How silly of me to think this was unique. It does have images, though. link to youtu.be

    • lancelot says:

      Imagine if CS:GO had been the number one (and it was so close).

    • eLBlaise says:

      I was unprepared for just how bad that was.

  11. Premium User Badge

    AutonomyLost says:

    Good article today, Alec.

  12. Mecha_Rocky says:

    Reading this reminded me of the classic “The Monster at the End of this Book” only [spoilers] it’s not lovable, furry Grover.

  13. Kefren says:

    Well that brought back memories of:
    “Coming Soon: Page 71!”
    from “The Brand New Monty Python Bok” (or it’s alternative title: “Tits ‘n Bums: A Weekly Look at Church Architecture”).

  14. zarthrag says:

    I… I think I missed it. Where’s the surprise?

  15. kud13 says:

    I kinda figured what the ending was going to be.

    I want this entire article recorded in GLADOS voice.

    I’m also beginning to suspect that the Vengaboys are paying Steam to keep publishing GTA? V as one of the top sellers to keep this meme going.

  16. LennyLeonardo says:

    “Anonymous”.

  17. Zirkalaritz says:

    Reminded me of this
    [youtube link to youtube.com

  18. A Gentleman and a Taffer says:

    I think you’ll find any true gentleman has the bottom button of his waistcoat undone at all times.