Sims 4 invents awful new stage of human life, ‘toddler’

Discovering the consequences of playing god, the fools behind The Sims 4 [official site] have invented a new stage of human life and this so-called ‘toddler‘ is truly dreadful. These squished children throw temper tantrums, injure themselves, throw things, fall over, demand attention, and have the most ghastly taste in decor. They seem awful. What did Sims players do to deserve this, EA? Simeers, your only chance to avoid this nightmare is to destroy your router and stay forever offline, lest you accidentally install the free Sims 4 update which added toddlers yesterday.

Some might say that this is EA finally adding one of the many expected Sims features which was mystifyingly absent from The Sims 4 at launch (it didn’t even have pools or ghosts) but they are wrong. This is EA tampering with nature. What kind of monster suddenly inserts a new stage into the human life cycle? One who’s going to end up with more tempestuous tots than they bargained for:

What is that, and why? Why do we even have humans younger than 11 years old? (That’s generous – the real age might be more like 26.)

But fine, if you’re excited by abominations, you’ll be glad to hear that players can now create toddlers or somehow grow them (?). Check out the patch notes for more on everything they can do. And here’s The Sims 4 executive producer Lyndsay Pearson:

“I think you’re really going to love how interactive they are, so get ready for a lot of cute, heart-warming moments as your Sims help their toddlers to develop new skills through using flash cards; teach them to talk; have a dance party; and encourage them to go potty. Your Sims can also bond with your toddler by reading them to sleep, carrying them around the house, or babbling away about trucks.”

If Pip gets a toddler for our house I’ll be livid.

Well, at least the next Sims 4 add-on is sticking to known life with vampires.

20 Comments

  1. Jerppa says:

    “These squished children throw temper tantrums, injure themselves, throw things, fall over, demand attention, and have the most ghastly taste in decor.”

    Very unfair!

  2. Someoldguy says:

    This was an essential staging patch before they introduce the new ‘Millennial’ life state encompassing teen and young adult phases which cycle between acting normally and exhibiting the majority of the behaviours now introduced.

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      Grizzly says:

      Isn’t that what a mid-life crisis is?

    • Jediben says:

      The Millennial stage can only be invoked if the parents have a basement or attic space, huge reserves of wealth and Internet connectivity. The pupating state of the Millennial means that the mood bar fluctuates on a minute by minute basis, demands that the subject babble inane garbage that even Simlish fails to truly capture and invokes rage in employed adult Sims. The workshy Sims, on the other hand, are fascinated and will sit on their sofas staring at their phones to interact with them. Baffling.

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        Harlander says:

        All this effort adding toddlers, when the patch note we really need to see is

        Added activity to Elder life stage: tell kids these days to get off lawn

      • rabbit says:

        hurr gurr those stupid millenials, what with their poor job prospects and their mountains of debt and their being the first generation predicted to end up poorer than their parents in ~a century.

        us older generations might have been able to buy property in zone 1 but we never had /ipods/

  3. Arglebargle says:

    There will be no end to the ever expanding Sims scam.

    • Pendragon says:

      Yeah, what a scam, adding features in a free patch.

    • walrus1 says:

      My thoughts exactly when I saw the headline. Then I read the article.

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    Neurotic says:

    Having survived two toddlers myself, I can safely say that I’m happy to have them trapped behind the glass/plastic(?) of my monitor screen. :D

    • Wings says:

      I’m not a fan of children myself, but I can’t say I agree with using your monitor to imprison your bile demon crotch fruit.

  5. golochuk says:

    I agree with the unserious premise of this article. Toddlers are bad, and they should not have been implemented.

  6. CartonofMilk says:

    everything i read about sims 4 in the past months make it seem like it has finally become the game that sims 2 was. Which is good. It just took a long time getting there. Probably getting it soon now.

    I do remember trying to kill my children in their baby and toddler phase in sims 2 though because they were so goddam annoying. When i realised that stupidly couldn’t be done i just tried to be as bad a parent i could be without the SS being called on me. But when the baby became a kid i suddenly pretty much changed my mind entirely about having children (in games). It seems to me children are fun from like age 6 to 12. So maybe i’d have children in real life if i could just be a parent to them from age 6 to 12. Before and after sounds like hell. Although i might want them back again when they get old enough to work and make a lot of money. Assuming any of my children could manage to avoid homelessness or chronic welfare. Which seems unlikely.

    • Tanngnjost says:

      In The Sims 3, at least, you can set the length of time you want each life stage to last in the settings.

      For me, it’s any life stage that isn’t adult. The amount of things you can do is just limited for all the rest.

  7. Vickers says:

    I could swear toddlers were in The Sims 3 on RELEASE. But I’m not sure, haven’t really played The Sims devotedly since The Sims 2.

  8. geldonyetich says:

    If they want me back, they’re going to have to re-add the open world. No other feature matters to me.

  9. Alyngwen Claevyan says:

    What have Sims players done to deserve a bunch of awful toddlers?
    I don’t know; maybe it’s got something to do with:
    – Years of killing the Sims Adults by removing the ladder from the pool.
    – Neglecting the baby and then cheating so you can put the lady from Child Protection on an island and surround her by four walls the size of 1 block exactly.
    – Setting the kitchen on fire accidentally and using same cheat to place annoying neighbour in previously mentioned fire.

    These are just some examples of how Sims players were able (and often have) to misuse their god-like powers, and that, my dear Sims-players, is why you deserve …. Toddlers.

  10. Eater Of Cheese says:

    Sims 4 didn’t introduce toddlers to Sims… They’ve been in Sims Freeplay for ages.