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Sims 4 invents awful new stage of human life, 'toddler'

Discovering the consequences of playing god, the fools behind The Sims 4 [official site] have invented a new stage of human life and this so-called ‘toddler‘ is truly dreadful. These squished children throw temper tantrums, injure themselves, throw things, fall over, demand attention, and have the most ghastly taste in decor. They seem awful. What did Sims players do to deserve this, EA? Simeers, your only chance to avoid this nightmare is to destroy your router and stay forever offline, lest you accidentally install the free Sims 4 update which added toddlers yesterday.

Some might say that this is EA finally adding one of the many expected Sims features which was mystifyingly absent from The Sims 4 at launch (it didn’t even have pools or ghosts) but they are wrong. This is EA tampering with nature. What kind of monster suddenly inserts a new stage into the human life cycle? One who’s going to end up with more tempestuous tots than they bargained for:

What is that, and why? Why do we even have humans younger than 11 years old? (That’s generous – the real age might be more like 26.)

But fine, if you’re excited by abominations, you’ll be glad to hear that players can now create toddlers or somehow grow them (?). Check out the patch notes for more on everything they can do. And here’s The Sims 4 executive producer Lyndsay Pearson:

“I think you’re really going to love how interactive they are, so get ready for a lot of cute, heart-warming moments as your Sims help their toddlers to develop new skills through using flash cards; teach them to talk; have a dance party; and encourage them to go potty. Your Sims can also bond with your toddler by reading them to sleep, carrying them around the house, or babbling away about trucks.”

If Pip gets a toddler for our house I’ll be livid.

Well, at least the next Sims 4 add-on is sticking to known life with vampires.

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