Gabe Newell to write, direct and star in Half-Life movie

The founder of Valve, Gabe Newell, will write the script for a Half-Life movie adaptation, as well as being named the director, it was revealed today. However, he is also slotted to act the part of the hero of the classic 1998 shooter, physicist Gordon Freeman. This was all said in a public announcement that sent fans of the series into a frenzy. It was expected that the company was going to announce Half-Life 3, and when that didn’t happen the eyes of the crowd turned an unholy crimson and smoke began to appear from inside everyone’s clothes. The writhing mass of human rage left the announcement venue and swarmed into the nearest lake, where they dissolved into a thick particulate and melded into a horrifying 300 ft beast that went on to destroy downtown Bellevue.

BUT NONE OF THAT IS TRUE, YOU FOOL. That’s right, you’ve been duped by FAKE NEWS into reading our weekly round-up of free games: Free Loaders. To learn more about the perils and pitfalls of FAKE NEWS, just play the first game on our list.

Fake It To Make It by Amanda Warner

Management sim about FAKE NEWS. Establish your own FAKE NEWS website and fill it with the most preposterous click-coaxing guff imaginable. People will believe it because people are people. You get a little dashboard and some guidance about how you’ll copy and create your own made-up stories. I wrote one about a veteran freezing to death because a rich man refused to let him take shelter in his house, then I bought a credible profile of a man called Tyrell from the black market of phony people and told it to join a group for veterans, where he posted the false story. People lapped it up, the fools! As it goes on you need to earn money toward a goal like an apartment or some new equipment. You have to target particular groups and take advantage of political hordes to generate likes and shares.

It’s a game of getting your numbers to go up, yes, but ultimately it’s about teaching you the process and mindset of the people who make this stuff. It wasn’t long before I started having dedicated profiles of my own making, some in the purple party, some in the orange party, and some who were just interested in cute animals or the funny things children say. There was no political motivation or one-sidedness to what I posted. Bullshit is universal and, with my help, everyone can step in it.

A Day In The Life of a Slice of Bread by The Bee’s Knees

This came out a year ago and you know what? I don’t even care. I played it this week and these are my best games of my week. Don’t @ me. You play a slice of bread who has sponteously developed consciousness. What you do from there is up to you. Make a break for it out the door? Accept your fate and wind up in the toaster? How will it all end for you? A successful life in the suburbs with your loving husband, or perhaps you’ll die doing what you’ve always loved – bowling. As the author comments: “This is an extremely serious game, I recommend going to the closest convenience store and buying a box of tissues… You’ve been warned.”

Liberation Circuit by Linley Henzell

Programmable RTS. You control a bunch of computer processes with lasers and have to take over data wells and destroy the enemy base. There’s wee units and big units and super units. There’s harvesters and builders and all that. Click about through the darkness, build and destroy. Expand, explode, expunge, examine entrails. But there’s a deeper level to all this for those with the knowledge or the bravery to dunk their heads under the surface – you can code all the actions of your little dudes in a “simplified” version of C. There’s an editor panel for the instructions and a designer for the ships you’re using. Talk about micro. It feels like this might be the only way to win big in the game, as the third level left me crushed by raiding AI every time, unable to get enough troops and expansion going with enough speed or foresight. But if you know some code magic, you might find lots to like here.

KoN: King of Nothing by by Tinytouchtales and Max Fiedler

Itty bitty rouguelike on a 4×4 boar of tiles infested with guard rats. You’ve gotta get that acorn and make it to the door. There’s only three weapon types. The sword slices rats up. The crossbow shoots arrows. And the shield reflects both or bashes enemies into a stunned state. Your weapon changes according to the tile you’re standing on and using the weapon involves moving toward an enemy. Survive 20 turns and a new baddie gets added to the board. This turns into more of a randomly generated puzzle game, as you to move and shuffle about a cramped area without triggering one of the rats to shoot you, or accidentally firing an arrow while they’re holding a shield and killing yourself. Small but firm, like a good fruit.

Torn Sails by Grzegorz Dałek

Two-player sumo sailing with cannons. Or one player with an AI opponent if you are lonely today like me. Dart around the small disc of ocean and volley cannonballs at your foe. Collect power-ups and perks to make yourself more monstrous. Use a controller, fool. The joystick moves about and the face buttons fire in their corresponding directions. Press the right bumber to dodge. Don’t fall off the edge of the world. Kill your friend. Kill all your friends. There is no world in which your friends are permitted to live.

Low Desert Punk by wischutz

You’re a car. Avoid the chasing doodads and nip along the red landscape, collecting the pip things you so badly need to increase your high score. It is the only way to reaffirm your place in the world. But watch out for the feet. The feet have not mercy nor malice. The feet live only to stamp.

Jukebox by antform

It’s a jukebox. It makes music. But not YOUR kind of music.

Want more free games? Check out the Best of Free Loaders collection or check our list of the 50 best free games on PC. Got a free game yourself? Give it to @Brendy_C or be dismissed non-sensically as FAKE NEWS

92 Comments

  1. a wild cacti says:

    Oh, you got me, you clever sexy beast you.

    • PseudoKnight says:

      Me too. I actually believed “write, direct, and star” until I read he would play the part of Gordon Freeman and not actually some Stan Lee type cameo. At first my brain tried to make it work, showing just how much I wanted “write, direct” to be a thing. (even though the result would probably be bad anyway)

      The funny thing is I noticed the URI right away before I read the article — “best-free-games-of-the-week-46”. I thought they must have been writing something else when the news broke. WTF, brain. Fortunately fake news rarely gets me since I take more than 10 seconds to verify things. My brain does not do well in under that time.

      • Otterley says:

        I know exactly what you mean – my brain often lives in a world of wide-eyed wonder till it gets around to actually parsing reality.

    • TechnicalBen says:

      Obvious joke was obvious joke.

      I was just expecting it to be a link to some CS/LOL competition/league game and a 30 second comedy clip for charity…

      You know, like back when Valve did things… anything. ;P

    • napoleonic says:

      I thought it was going to be an early April Fool.

  2. Halk says:

    Half-Life? That dead series from a decade ago? Fake or not, I don’t care.

    • Premium User Badge

      Earl-Grey says:

      Yeah, it’s not open world, no rpg-lite skill trees, the main character doesn’t even have a voice actor.
      SAD!

      • thenevernow says:

        Also no crafting, I’m afraid. What a piece of crap.

        This said, I will never understand silent protagonists. For me, they break the suspension of disbelief right at its foundation.

        • Crafter says:

          >This said, I will never understand silent protagonists

          It is supposed to let you display whatever you want on this empty space.
          I don’t think it works either.

          The only instance of a silent hero I really liked was Corvo in Dishonored, but only because the game makes you make a lot of questionable choices and it let me guess/roleplay what his reasons could be.

          In Breath of the Wild, I find it extremely irritating, but again the scenario of this game is pretty meh to begin with.

          • Mandrake42 says:

            Yeah, I’ve never been a fan of silent protagonists either. I understand that the developers are trying to let YOU be the character. But it never works for me. It always just seems utterly bizarre in any game where you are supposed to be a famous much loved hero…..who says nothing, who has no personality, who has no character. Why do they even like this person? They could be replaced with a mannequin and no-one would notice. It always ruins immersion. I feel no connection to a silent protagonist and its difficult to feel invested in the story of someone you don’t even really care about.

          • thenevernow says:

            Ok, but then give me a dialogue tree, even a basic one. Binary Domain tries this, more or less, without much success. But at least it’s what I consider the right direction. People speaking directly to my character while all sorts of shit happens around and my character not saying a word is never an option in my book.

        • skeletortoise says:

          I see your point, but to me it’s the least worst option. The only thing worse than inexplicable silence treated like dialogue is words I didn’t say magically coming out of me with a different person’s voice.

          • Unclepauly says:

            Right? Silent indifference or cringe inducing word vomit seems to be the choice alot of the time. Reminds me of when my mom said “better to be quiet and let people think you’re stupid than to open your mouth and prove it true” lel not quite the same thing but you get my point, maybe.

          • thenevernow says:

            The point here is that I don’t see it as me. When I play a game, first person or not, I don’t see myself as Gordon, Lara or Mario. If I had to describe my role I’d say I’m a sort of spirit guide leading them in their adventures, but I’m definitely not them. So I feel no dissonance when they speak, on the contrary I feel it when they don’t.

          • skeletortoise says:

            Fair enough. Frankly, the alternative hasn’t really been tested that much. I can’t think of a game where the FP player character has engaged in tons of scripted conversation without resorting to cutscenes. Excluding action-y quips and MP stuff. It’s hard for me to not imagine it not being awkward.

    • yhancik says:

      Constantly amused by the people who take the time to comment that they don’t care ;)

      • FriendlyFire says:

        “I don’t care, but I care enough to let you know that I don’t!”

      • Unsheep says:

        It’s no different than people commenting that they DO care. Both are valid comments to the content of an article presenting new information. If RPS was a Valve Fanboy forum, sure I’d agree with you, but this is a news site.

        • snowgim says:

          Well, it’s a little bit different, since they had to click on the article to get here. If they truly didn’t care they’d just scroll on past.

          • Unclepauly says:

            I don’t care about your post. (actually I secretly do care but want you to believe I don’t, also it makes me feel superior :D)

          • Premium User Badge

            Nauallis says:

            I just wish you’d define “clepauly”

      • Furiant says:

        And you care to post about their caring to post that they don’t care.

      • WiseGamer says:

        I’m more amused by people who do care.

    • Unsheep says:

      I don’t see why the second game should be such a cult game. It was fun, but there were better FPS around at the time.

      And in my opinion, being subjective obviously, there were more fun FPS games around even before the first Half-life game came out: Heretic, Blood, Dark Forces I & II, Quake I & II, Rainbow Six, Redneck Rampage, System Shock, Shadow Warrior, Sin, Eradicator, Parkan.

      I think the fandom surrounding the Half-life games is mostly a media creation.

      • Zelius says:

        It’s because the game never had closure. If the game had its multiple sequels, finishing the story, inevitably one of the sequels would have been “meh”, or the ending would not have been what fans expected, or it might even have all been good. But it would’ve been just another game then.

        It’s the same reason why the show Firefly has such a status.

      • Premium User Badge

        MajorLag says:

        That may be true of HL2, but actually HL was incredibly good when it was released. It was technologically superior to pretty much everything else, had voice acting for all the speaking, an introductory section that wasn’t a cutscene, scripted events that also weren’t cutscenes… it may not have been entirely unique in any of those individual aspects, but it put everything together masterfully.

        Additionally, online play was really growing at the time and it had pretty solid netcode and was easy to mod. TFC and CS did a lot for Half-Life’s popularity.

    • jomurph86 says:

      You’re my hero, I must confess.

    • Chaoslord AJ says:

      Careful, kids who grew up in that era treat it like it was the coming of Jesus instead of a nice linear shooter. (nevermind say System Shock 2 which was brilliant)
      CS doesn’t count, that’s a mod.

  3. S-Hellequin says:

    Fake news on RPS? I am SHOCKED and OUTRAGED.

    Still, about as true and honest as the crap the Daily Mail vomits up.

    • bills6693 says:

      Read my article: 19 OUTRAGEOUS claims made by fake news site RPS. Number 12 will SHOCK you!

  4. Numerical says:

    I totally did not read past the first paragraph and still believe Gabe Newell is going to lose 50 lbls and be The Freeman. I wonder is Lou Gossett Jr. will play the Vortigaunts or will it be Tony Todd? Hmmm is it a sequel to the game or a prequel, a side-quel or a pre-side-sequel. I have so many questions for Gabe…

  5. Seafoam says:

    But these fake news are alternative facts!
    The games need an internet connection so theyre not free!

  6. Jerkzilla says:

    You won the battle BUT NOT THE WAR!

  7. Plosive Scotsman says:

    Bryan Cranston for Gordon Freeman

  8. Tuor says:

    Thank God. I thought maybe my apartment had been spared from the wrath of angry fans, but that the rest of the town had been brutally savaged. You really had me going there, Brendan.

  9. Aetylus says:

    Best intro ever.

  10. Jokerme says:

    You got me this time, sir. But watch your back…

  11. rocketman71 says:

    FU, Brendy. That was cold.

  12. umzee says:

    fuck this article, and fuck you Brendan Caldwell; deceitful scumbag. If this is what you get away with writing about, I’m done with this bullshit website for good.

    • Shazbut says:

      Yeah! YEAH!

      *screams in fury, punches hole in fridge*

    • Guy Montag says:

      *gets on the bullhorn and speaks to the madmen inside the building*

      BRENDAN CALDWELL.

      NEVER CHANGE THIS BULLSHIT WEBSITE FOR ME OR ANYBODY.

      YOU AND IT ARE BEAUTIFUL.

    • Shakes999 says:

      Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, princess

    • skeletortoise says:

      You seem unpleasant, but damn it if I don’t think Brendan Caldwell, Deceitful Scumbag would be awesome on a business card.

  13. Sakkura says:

    This would have worked even better a week from now.

  14. The Sombrero Kid says:

    Wonder what John will have to say about this.

  15. Khayness says:

    Sorry but you guys missed the whole “we hate fake news so here are some fake news” meta joke bandwagon by months.

  16. tehfish says:

    I have to admit, i spent a few minutes reloading the links thinking it was glitches/errors :P

  17. CartonofMilk says:

    I’ve been a PC gamer for 30 years and have never played a Half Life game (or Counter-Strike) AMA

    • Palimpsest says:

      Was it fun?

    • VanDerSpar says:

      Tell you what…
      HL1 was quite cool.
      HL2 sucks, IMHO
      CS is only fun if you like to slowly killing other people, as everything is sloooow in that game. UT and Quake is way more human in that matter.
      Personally I’m not a huge fan of neither genres.

  18. Sin Vega says:

    Thing is though… don’t tell me you wouldn’t watch a frayed, wheezing Gabe Newell struggle through an action film.

    • Neuromancing the Boil says:

      I dunno, I imagine Gabe rolling about with effortless balletic grace, like Sammo Hung with glasses.

  19. Ben King says:

    The juke box thing looks neato.

  20. ColonelFlanders says:

    *bring bring*

    Hello, is that Agent 47? Yes, I would like to discuss Brendan Caldwell. Yes. Yeah. I know, despicable, isn’t it. Make it look like an accident please. Yes, I can pay half upfront.

  21. Cara Ellison says:

    Brendy you fucking massive prick

  22. Premium User Badge

    subdog says:

    So good.

  23. rockinpaper says:

    Hahahaha. I was like “What? But I don’t see him in this film about Half-Life anywhere!”

    Or is he somewhere in the background like a sneaky G-Man?

  24. Shazbut says:

    So, those free games then…

  25. enamelizer says:

    Took that one hook, line and sinker. Wouldn’t have even been the weirdest news of 2017, I read the headline and thought “Of course he is”.

    The fake news sim is too real for me right now, I’m going to play play the cute toast thing.

    • poliovaccine says:

      Dyou know, it actually crossed my mind that at least one person will download the fake news game with the intent of learning how they can make enough for a new apartment doing that in real life.

      And no, I’m not trying to say that person is me.

  26. geerad says:

    How is that bread game not called Slice of Life?

  27. Jerppa says:

    Sad!

  28. Captain Narol says:

    That was fun. Well done, Brendan, you almost got me.

  29. Hunchback says:

    I hate you now!

  30. Premium User Badge

    Serrit says:

    I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many comments on a Freeloaders article… worrying how effective Fake News is to stir the opinion dispensers >.<

    Well played Brendy, you cad. Like a few others above I did have to double check the date to make sure I hadn't accidentally been playing Mass Effect: Andromeda for 5 days straight without noticing the time…

  31. zarthrag says:

    Gabe… HL… Movie?!?!?…Surely it isn’t April yet… But it must be for this headline to be legit… (checks date) Nope, I didn’t sleep for a week. I should just move on… But do THEY know it isn’t April first? Ah, hell, *clicks anyway*.

    Congrats. You’ve used your click-bait joker.

  32. Premium User Badge

    MajorLag says:

    When I first read the headline, I admit I tried to see how it could be real. Maybe that’s what Gabe has been up to this whole time, eh? Writing and rewriting screenplay after screenplay until he felt he nailed it, talking secretively to studios, doing mock-up shots with Source Filmmaker… As for staring in it, why not? Clearly the entire thing was going to be shot in first person and shown in real time. Naturally the auteur should be behind the camera under those circumstances.

    I think part of me really wanted it to be true.

    • poliovaccine says:

      Incidentally, did you see Hardcore Henry? Does a great job of taking narrative lessons from games, i.e. in environmental storytelling and momentum, and bringing em over to an action movie. The first-person, silent protagonist thing never seemed so viable to me as after seeing that movie.

      • Premium User Badge

        MajorLag says:

        Yes I did. It was the most videogame movie I’d ever seen. I remember thinking that it was probably written by Hideo Kojima.

  33. MasterTurkey says:

    What an excellent Troll.

  34. LivingfortheNight says:

    When I first started reading, I thought “ugh, some one has illusions of grandeur.”

  35. noxohimoy says:

    This is unfair!

    There is ONE week for April fools. I will sue.

    And I got angry at Gabe Newell anyways. I will resent him for the rest of the day…

  36. Muffnar says:

    At least you admit it’s fake news unlike IGN.

    • jalf says:

      Thank you for reminding us how shitty gamers can be. Where would we be if people were allowed to forget about that for ten minutes? :/

      • Unclepauly says:

        1st I’ve heard of it. So he actually spread the gospel today. Good on you Muffnar, nothing shitty about it.

  37. caff says:

    Oh how lovely the Bread game is.

  38. celticdr says:

    LOL, can’t believe I actually believed that first paragraph for even a second, but I did… now trying to get the image of Gabe struggling to get into a Freeman suit out of my head… come to think of it why hasn’t Hollywood made a film out of HL?
    They’ll adapt any shite these days… seems like an eerie lapse in some producers cash-cow driven mind.

  39. Ben Damage says:

    Low Desert Punk looks like a game I would have spent my stoned summers playing. Suddenly I really need to listen to some Ché.

  40. cpt_freakout says:

    Man, King of Nothing is a great little timewaster, like the sudoku section or something like that. The best part is that it’s actually about ethics in games journalism.