FIFA 18 is all Ronaldo, Ronaldo, Ronaldo

“Ooh look at that: EA have announced a new FIFA game! What a surprise!” someone on the bleeding edge of video game humour would once have declared. They’d turn to the audience, bow, and be showered in roses and adulation for their cutting wit. But being sarky doesn’t fly any more, grandpa. This is 2017. Sarcasm is out and doomsaying is in.

“Ooh look at that: EA think humanity will survive to 2018!” I declare upon seeing the announcement of FIFA 18 [official site]. I turn to the audience, shrug, and fall in a crumpled heap. The audience stare at their phones. We’ve done it, gang.

FIFA 18 have declared Christian Ronaldo the “cover star” for FIFA 18, which I think is something to do with forgotten Old Earth technology. EA do not say anything about the game that is unrelated to Ronaldo. The game’s announcement is Ronaldo, Ronaldo, Ronaldo.

Did you know that they motion-captured Ronaldo for FIFA 18? They did. EA add, “His data also informed important gameplay elements including fluidity, player responsiveness and explosiveness.”

Did you know that FIFA 18 senior producer Aaron McHardy thinks Ronaldo is “the world’s best player”? He does.

What does Ronaldo have to say about being on the cover? That it is “a real pleasure”, and that “It’s a great feeling and I am grateful to have been chosen.”

Oh, and apparently YouTube-baiting sticker album mode FIFA Ultimate Team is bringing legendary players to all platforms. You better believe that Ronaldo is one of those ‘FUT Icons’. Oh wait, that’s the other Ronaldo – Ronaldo Nazário.

FIFA 18 is coming out on September 29th via Origin at £54-chuffing-99. EA say they’ll gab more about it during their livestreamed E3-o-rama, EA Play. We will get to, for instance, “Find out how FIFA 18 is fueled by Cristiano Ronaldo”. I assume means that Ronaldo’s clones were melted down for fuel to power EA’s computers. For now, here, look at Ronaldo:

Ronaldo.

8 Comments

  1. CidL says:

    I often wonder what would happen if you followed him around all the time calling him Rolando. Hi Rolando. Great goal Rolando. Rolando Rolando Rolando.

    I love you Rolando.

  2. Treners says:

    Time to pick up FIFA 17 on the cheap. They’re all (essentially) the same, and I’ve been playing the demo and having a good time.

  3. StAUG says:

    This will forever be the year EA is remembered for changing the ‘7’ in FIFA 17 to an 8.

  4. aircool says:

    EA can take a hike this time. Enjoyed the last two iterations where I played the player career option until I started playing FUT 17.

    tl;dr – a cheating AI is bad, but when that AI takes control of your player to prevent you scoring, that’s just bad programming and poor game design.

    I started off enjoying that as I could play against the AI. However, as soon as I faced an AI on the highest two difficulties, the game turned to bullshit. I could handle the overpowered AI on the opposing team, but I hated it when, nine times out of ten, whenever I made a pass or dribble into a scoring position, the AI would cause my passed balls to go in the opposite direction to where I directed them, or, when dribbling, my players would suddenly slow and not run in the direction I wanted them to go.

  5. Veles says:

    Just to mix things up, I think EA should release a modern version of a past game like FIFA 1996 (did that exist?) where you can play as Gazza and other famous ball players.

    Though I still wouldn’t buy it.

    • Veles says:

      Scrap that. A CK2 style grand football game where you can marry off your players and deal with scandals over the course of 100 years.

  6. keefybabe says:

    Another sacrifice to the great God seeaquelles.

  7. racccoon says:

    PC for game players! :)

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