Foolish football: Behold The Kickmen coming Thursday

If football is the biggest sport in England, pretending that you don’t know anything about football comes a close second. Dan Marshall, the creator of The Swindle and the bad half of Ben & Dan, is a fan of the second. His Behold the Kickmen [official site] is an arcade kick ’em up which gets football gloriously wrong, and it’s launching this Thursday. It’ll run you about three quid.

Behold the Kickmen is football based on what Dan Marshall’s character ‘Dan Marshall’ imagines football to be. He’s not really sure. He’s seen it around and know it involves balls, kicking, shouting, and money, but doesn’t quite know how it all comes together.

Here’s a wee snippet from, Dan says, when he was “recording footage for the launch trailer and I ‘lost’ a goal and it made me feel like a Big Fool.”

Behold the Kickmen will cost £2.79/$3.99 when it hits Steam on Thursday. That’s a good price for a spot of foolishness.

The launch was almost scuppered. After today announcing a Thursday release, Marshall unannounced it within minutes because he didn’t know how Steam works nowadays. As we say in football, that was a real own-run. Thankfully, the folks at Steam are more competent than Dan and the launch is back on. Looks like someone kicked for a bogey and ended up with a trick hat.

Disclosure: I know Dan a bit from games events, have definitely drank several pints he paid for (but probably fewer than I bought him), and have advised him on how it’s impolite to unbutton one’s shirt so low in public. But now he’s a grown-up and and married and living in the countryside, likely expressing strong disapproval on topics from young people’s fashion to how infrequently the council mow the verges by the war memorial.


  1. udat says:

    What a lovely Disclosure there at the end.

    This looks quite good fun. It might be heresy around these parts, but I’d quite like this for my Switch.

  2. somnolentsurfer says:

    Ooo. Dan is funny on Twitter, but I never have the time to keep up with it these days. Is it still firmly single player?

    • Ben says:

      Yep, just single-player. If it’s a huge success Dan might do a sequel/remake with multiplayer/for consoles or something

  3. Arathorn says:

    This does look lovely. I imagine system requirements will be quite low, but my main rig is broken at the moment so I’m back to the stone age for a while so I have to ask: what do you need to run it? I can’t find that information on their website.

    • Ben says:

      Dan said on Twitter: “Haven’t heard any performance issues from any beta testers, so prob okay as long as you have an OK gfx card … It’ll be okay as long as you’re not using on board gfx card. Optimising today so hopefully will run fine.”

      • MajorLag says:

        Really? I feel like this game could get away with software rendering on a Pentium 2…

  4. racccoon says:

    kick it! Kick it! Kick! the bloody thing for god sake! Oh my god ya missed it!! :)

  5. Thirdrail says:

    Cute! I agree with first poster, it really does look like a must have Switch game.