Steam Charts: Sugar free

Well even if the Sun won’t shine, the Steam Charts can still spread brightness into our lives. By some manner of wondrous majjicks, this week’s chart doesn’t even include H1Z1, Fallout 4, nor The Witcher 3! I barely even know what to do with myself. I’m dizzy! Come, join the celebration.

10. Pyre

Brendan discovered that Supergiant’s latest is a game that seems to somewhat get in its own way, a lovely RPG story, that keeps interrupting itself with a not very good sportyball game. Which sounds a lot like school. “Here, learn some useful information about this range of subjects. BUT STOP NOW, and go outside for some obligatory participation in a sport you don’t enjoy, and don’t learn a single thing until you’re cold.”

The result is I find myself completely intrigued to play it, and equally put off from trying. Fortunately for Supergiant, that doesn’t seem to have been a problem for a significant number, as they’ve sold enough to sneak into the charts this week. Which, if nothing else, gives me the opportunity to post colourful screenshots at the top.

9. Grand Theft Auto V

I don’t know about you, because I’ve literally no idea who you are reading this right now, but maybe you’re looking for some good low-carb recipes? You’re fed up of fucking almond flour, and just want to feel like a normal person eating normal food, just for one bloody moment. Well, this ice cream I invented last night was amazing:

2 cups extra thick double cream
1/2 cup milk
4 egg yolks
Waitrose orange essence
Sweetener of choice
Sprinkle of salt

Mix the cream and milk, microwave for 2 mins. Stir in the egg yolks, a few drops of orange flavour, a mild sprinkle of sweetener (I used Canderel instead of something Xylitol or Stevia and it worked out better, oddly) and salt, and then microwave 30 secs, stir, 30 secs, stir, 30 secs, stir. Should be a little thicker/slightly frothy by that point. Pour into your ice cream maker that you have, and then two hours later, FLIPPING HECK, it was really yummy.

8. Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator

Nice to see this enjoying a stay in the charts. From #2 to #8 is obviously a big decline, and it’ll inevitably be gone next week, but this remains quite a tail for a niche like dating sims, let along an inclusive, progressive one. Pip found out why when she played it, surprised that it was so infectious, pushing past cynicism to become affecting.

Of course, saying, “Gosh, how did this game do so well?” is a little short-sighted given the size of Game Grumps GameGrumps audience, but it’s good to see the game reaching an audience of its own.

7. DOOM

To reiterate the point from last week, FREE SELLS! DOOM had a free weekend, and made its multiplayer DLC all free, and ping! Epic sales! That is all.

6. Car Mechanic Simulator 2018

A couple of us have had a play of this, and found it to be too buggy to be enjoyable. Which is to say, sucked our teeth and said, “Tsssss, who did this then?”

It seems three years off the series still didn’t get developers Red Dot Games the space they needed to get something smooth for release, but patches are coming in and the devs are, they say, working hard to get it all fixed. Remarkably, this – and the accompanying negative reviews – doesn’t seem to have hurt sales.

5. Counter-Strike: Global Offensive

Another thing I miss like crazy is decent American pancakes. These are… close. Not great, but not terrible. The recipe and picture above is from I Breathe I’m Hungry.

60g cream cheese
2 eggs
1 tsp granulated sweetener (I doubled this)
1/2 tsp cinnamon

Blend the whole bloody lot, cook like pancakes. Pretty simple, fairly decent results. Especially if you’ve managed to procure some sugar-free fake-o maple syrup (easy in US supermarkets, nightmarishly difficult in the UK).

4. Citadel: Forged With Fire

Much like Dark And Light below, Citadel is yet another Ark-like RPG MMO + crafting. And it seems that no matter how unpopular they may be with Steam reviewers (this one is in the realm of “Mixed”) they seem to find their way to making a ton in sales.

It’s Early Access, because of course it is. And so you can expect it to be ever-changing, ever-developing, never-releasing, until eventually everyone grows old and dies.

3. Dark And Light

As I promised last week, I took a look at this. And “look” is appropriate, because flipping crikey, I didn’t want to play it. I’m clearly not pre-programmed to appreciate this subset of the online world, but with D&L the issue was more a technical one for me. It was clunky and juddery and made feel all woozy, while at the same time completely uninterested. I dunno. I’m delighted these are proving so popular, because they’re clearly an enormous amount of work to create, and like the above, despite very mixed reviews seem to sell extremely well. Good for everyone who clicks with these, and bad for me.

2. [Insert game here]

A peculiarity this week, in that there isn’t a number 2! Well, there was, but it’s stopped existing over the weekend. It was the extremely silly pretend sticker collection for the recent Counter-Strike tourno, which was hugely discounted toward the end from its outrageous £30+ price, making it climb even higher in this week’s charts, before, thank goodness, being gone forever from next.

Quite how Valve has convinced a planet to spend money on something that, by all sense, should be free – pretend decorative stickers to put on pretend guns and hats or whatever – but congratulations to them.

1. PlayerUnKnowN’s BattlEgrounds

This from Ditch The Carbs (pic from there too) was utterly brill. Most of the time these substitutes are miserable shadows of what you really want to be eating. This actually tasted flipping delicious. Although I’ve made some enormous changes to the base so it doesn’t taste like revolting almond stodge. And I made it vanilla, because we had no lemon in the house that day, and vanilla is best.

Base:

2 tsp granulated sweetener
150g almond flour
55g melted butter
50g desiccated coconut
(I added) shit-ton of ground ginger and cinnamon, and salt

Filling:

12g gelatin (usually 1 packet)
2 tbsp granulated sweetener
200ml boiling water
200ml cold water
500g cream cheese
Vanilla essence, as strong as you want

Base:

Mix together, press into a pie dish with a removable bottom, stick in the fridge

Filling:

Mix the gelatin with the boiling water, whisk, add cold water. Dump in the cheese, sweetener and vanilla (and anything else you like at this point. Maybe some blueberries?). Blend the crap out of it until it’s smooth. Pour it on the chilled base. Then stick it in the fridge, and this is the most important bit, WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW. It takes a good while for the gelatin to do its thing, and if you only wait a couple of hours you’ll have blancmange, which really doesn’t work.

33 Comments

  1. nitwit says:

    Do you have any recipes that are less healthy and more tasty? Something with pasta and bacon and capers and some virtual CSGO stickers mixed in?

    • Thankmar says:

      Well, “healthy” may be not the precise term for the amounts fat that are included in these recipes, these seem to go more in the low carb/ atkins direction, by which you can loose some weight if you are really determined but gain some kidney failures and risk of stroke. Unless one has difficulties to process sugars/ carbohydrates, or has diabetes, or has a really, really screwed up metabolism, afaik (wife is dietician) this kind of diet produces some dangers to your health that do not weigh out the benefits.

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        John Walker says:

        Here’s why that’s nonsense:

        link to dietdoctor.com

        • ZedClampet says:

          Right on. My impressions from having lived too many years on this planet are that the last person you want to ask about a diet is a dietician.

        • ZedClampet says:

          I don’t know if you have them in the U.K. but in the states all the stores carry low carb Mission tortillas and Dreamfields low carb pasta. The tortillas are great for eating a quick sandwich or fajitas, and the pasta tastes just like regular pasta (though I wouldn’t eat too much of it. What carbs it does have will add up).

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          Nauallis says:

          The whole30 diet works fairly well too, depending on why you are doing it, of course.

          By some stint of amazon ordering fun, I ended up with the UK version of the guidebook and the wife and I had a hilarious time in December converting recipes into measurements we had in our (entirely imperial) kitchen.

        • Thankmar says:

          The thing is, I asked my wife after commenting, and she said that modern low carb/ atkin diets have an eye on the protein and fat levels and have no, as far as she knows, general dangers. So I was wrong, I am sincerely sorry about spreading wrong things here.
          She did remain adamant about the general dangers of high protein intake, but said it is debatable what high means: 70s Atkins diet levels are certainly dangerous, todays idea of a high level might just be not.
          But I still stand by the assessment of the low carb-recipes not being more healthy than their with carb-origins, since eating low carb is not inherently healthier than eating normal, certain dispositions aside, but are, given a modern program, a just as healthy diet if you want to, for instance, lose weight.

  2. Merry says:

    These look like pretty good recipes. I’m not so sure about the artificial sweetener, though.

    And I think that should be

    microwave 30 secs, stir, microwave 30 secs, stir, microwave 30 secs, stir

    instead of

    microwave 30 secs, stir, 30 secs, stir, 30 secs, stir

  3. emotionengine says:

    60g cream cheese
    2 eggs
    1 tsp granulated sweetener (I doubled this)
    1/2 tsp cinnamon

    Huh, I read this list and thought, there’s definitely something missing there… like “where’s the bloody flour?” And then I realised it’s a low-carb recipe, and that whole no-flour business is kind of the whole point. My immediate next thought was then, “no way that’s going to work. You’ll sooner end up with some kind of ‘orrible failed omelette/scrambled eggs hybrid. But I followed the link and watched the vid and lo and behold – it looks like that will actually work! I’ll actually have to try it some time.

    I’m also hungry now. Thanks.

  4. goon buggy says:

    Picked up doom.
    But I cant help but think they saw someone making Wolfenstein games and thought we better make a doom game.

    It does run better without denuvo too.

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      DelrueOfDetroit says:

      Somebody? You mean like Bethesda?

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        Nauallis says:

        No, of course not. We all know there is ZERO chance of a publisher looking at its in-house developers and saying “hey, this one team doing a great job, maybe they can influence our other team.” Everybody knows that level of navel-gazing is just flat-out beyond the capabilities of any successful company.

        And clearly Bethesda is not successful, because some random internet people don’t like them. Maybe.

  5. Premium User Badge

    sylmarien says:

    Wait, what happened to the “What Are Rockstar Spending All The GTA V Money On?” series?

    On another subject, I loved Bastion, learned to like Transistor (hard to get into at first but quite liked it by the end, not as much as Bastion though) and with the reviews of Pyre I am not sure I should pick it up. Well I will, but it will certainly wait for some sale.

  6. Ben King says:

    I don’t know what kind of “AMERICAN PANCAKES” you ate at America. I don’t think there is such a thing but they certainly couldn’t be that cream cheese thing there. This is my recipe borrowed from my GF.

    For a single full stack of cakes:
    1/2 c rolled oats powdered in the blender
    1/2 c flour
    1/2 T sugar
    1/4 tsp salt
    1/2 tsp baking soda
    1 tsp baking powder
    1/2 tsp cinnamon
    1/2 tsp vanilla
    2/3 c milk
    1 egg
    2 T oil

    • BTAxis says:

      That’s not really a recipe, that’s just a list of ingredients.

      • lasikbear says:

        It’s pancakes, u combine them then put in a pan, maybe like sift the dry stuff then add the wet stuff if ur feelin fancy

        flip when there are bubbles

      • Ben King says:

        I just pop the things on the list into my mouth one at at time then eat the egg shell and all. Pancakes! No I’m kidding. You just mix it all in a bowl with a fork, then pour it onto a hot greased pan one third at a time to make pancakes. Syrup or none, they’re good either way. There’s nothing fancy about it except for the fancy cinnamon and the powdered rolled oats routine.

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      DelrueOfDetroit says:

      As a grandson of the man who makes the greatest pancakes in the world, those things John posted are an abomination.

  7. Premium User Badge

    Styxie says:

    The trick with healthy eating is to eat fewer things with ‘cake’ in the name.

    • Premium User Badge

      DelrueOfDetroit says:

      Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.

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        Nauallis says:

        You sound like my mother. But she sounds like Michael Pollan, so hey.

      • Josh W says:

        I liked that phrase (more) until I discovered that in order to use it in an argument, its author decided to define things as either being “food”, or “edible food-like substances”. He could have made the same argument much more sane by saying:

        Eat food. Different kinds. Not too processed, not too much. Mostly plants.

        On the other hand, I still like the original phrase, just not it’s mystical kabalistic elucidation.

        • Throwback says:

          Or even “Eat unprocessed food. Not too much. Mostly plants.”

          Also the game of Pyreball is great and whoever reviewed it didn’t ‘get it’. Imo.

    • lglethal says:

      Blasphemy…

  8. lasikbear says:

    I guess it’s inevitable that at some point we all become “yells at John Walker in the comments” guys, and today I become that guy.

    John Walker, you can go to hell with your fake maple syrup. Real or no deal.

    Thank you for your time.

    • Premium User Badge

      Nauallis says:

      Hey now, he doesn’t have to go to hell, he can just stay in the UK!

      …ok, sorry, I’ll just be on my way now…

  9. Premium User Badge

    MajorLag says:

    As a man who’s lost half his body weight, I find it difficult to take the “low carb” fad seriously. I know, let’s replace all this 4kcal/gram sugar and starch with 9kcal/gram fat and pretend it’s healthy!

    I await the mass linking to blogs written by people with no medical degree citing misinterpreted results of poorly done studies in questionable journals.

  10. goodpoints says:

    wow. Not even Akechi would eat those pancakes.