Steam Charts: A Learning Experience

You want to know which are the top ten selling games on Steam this week, but you also still don’t know the capital city of Turkmenistan. What is a person to do? Well worry not, because here at Steam Charts HQ, we’ve got you covered! All the games that are in the top ten games in the Steam top ten games chart, and all the facts you need for that surprise government test!

Join us today as we laugh and learn.

10. LawBreakers

Until recently Cliffy “CliffyB” B’s only foray into the world of criminality was this haircut. But now he’s just brazenly asking players to break the law! It can only be a matter of time before this is cracked down upon. Probably best known for Jazz Jackrabbit, Clifford “B” released LawBreakers a couple of weeks back in the hope that he could finally shake his reputation for not having released LawBreakers.

9. Football Manager 2017

Foot-the-ball, as foot-to-ball was originally called before its acquisition by King George III, was not invented for the reason you might believe. While it’s been commonly accepted for generations that the sport was created as a way to resolve the dispute between two warring families when they ran out of knives, recent research suggests it was in fact a consequence of apathy. Two school children from Leeds in a desultory mood kicked a discarded human bladder as they walked home from the smoke factory, when it accidentally rolled into an abandoned fishing net. And you can see how the rest developed from there.

Ever since, Football Manager games have been released to capture that indifferent kicking in meticulous real-time.

8. H1Z1: King Of The Kill

Sony had originally intended the H1Z1 games to just be one single project with multiple aspects, combining all the elements of franchise into one colossal game that would last twenty to thirty years a time. Unfortunately this took too much RAM, so the game has been broken down and sold for parts. They are, so far:

King Of The Kill: Players compete to overthrow the monarch in order to become King (or Queen) Murderer
Just Survive: Where players are implored, for heavens sake, just survive will you?
Tower Of T-Bags: Teams must attempt to stack as many players lowering testicles onto the player below as they can, the winning team building the tallest testicular tower after half an hour
Helping Hands: Here killing is frowned upon, unless the character has lived a long and fulfilling gaming existence and is ready for whatever comes next after this crazy thing we call life

7. Grand Theft Auto V

We’ve been sitting on some hot GTA VI rumours for a while now, and I just can’t keep them to myself any more, Rockstar’s wrath be damned. Here’s what we know so far:

It’s set in Harborville, the GTA universe’s version of Portland, Oregon, and controversially will feature no driving whatsoever. Instead players will skateboard or unicycle their irreverent beards between Bovril cafes and underground pop-up sweet shops, playing as up to nine different characters all probably selling drugs or stealing TVs or something really naughty like that. It will also feature the comedy stylings of gag merchant Ricky Gervais!

6. Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice

The central conceit of aligning views of scenery to create glyphs in Hellblade is actually based on a true story. Project director Tameem Antoniades was walking through the city of Cambridge when he noticed if he stood on the Bridge Of Sighs and looked directly toward the Wren Library, the shape of a Sumerian ka glyph appears, summoning a giant sky mouth that speaks half-truths to all who bow. After this experience, Senua’s Sacrifice was simply an inevitability.

5. Total War: WARHAMMER II

My great uncle once pre-ordered a game, and he immediately died.

4. Prey

Here is your Top 5 Breakdown of all the “prey/pray” puns made by the gaming press since the game’s launch:

“Hope And Prey”
“You’ve got to Prey just to make it today”
“Get on your knees and Prey”
“Prey Tell… me if it’s any good”
“The family that Preys together, slays together” (damn, that one’s actually good)

3. Counter-Strike: Global Offensive

While there’s no definitive proof that Counter-Strike: Global Offensive has encouraged more people to become terrorists than any other source, beginning sentences that way certainly implies it in a legally safe way. However, due to the nature of the game there’s a similar paucity of evidence to support the knowledge that it has created an equal number of counter-terrorists, resulting in an overall international break-even, hence flying under the radar.

2. No Man’s Sky

What if it has been multiplayer all along, but everyone appears as a random animal to all other players? And their spaceship a tree. What about that?

1. Playerunknown’s Battlegrounds

Sure, it’s a funny ol’ joke that Plunkbat’s always at number 1 in the charts now. Ha-de-ha, great, you chuckle, not thinking about the long-term consequences. Because after a certain amount of time, people who read these Steam Charts columns every week with the required level of religious reverence and prostrate posture will start to dismiss the number “1” entirely. “Sure, Plunky’s at 1,” you say just now, used to it. But after that comes not even noticing it at all, and then an eventual failure to recognise the number 1 anywhere at all, destabilising all counting WORLDWIDE.

With a global mathematics failure on that scale, the fallout will be utterly devastating. And no rocket will ever be able to take off again.

A. ʇɐqɐƃɥsɐ

21 Comments

  1. Minglefingler says:

    “While there’s no definitive proof that Counter-Strike: Global Offensive has encouraged more people to become terrorists than any other source, beginning sentences that way certainly implies it in a legally safe way.”

    That made me burst out laughing, the rest of the article was great too. Cheers John.

  2. Beefenstein says:

    “But after that comes not even noticing it at all, and then an eventual failure to recognise the number 1 anywhere at all, destabilising all counting WORLDWIDE.”

    PLUNKBAT destroying the number one = computers not working = a self-aware Skynet which redefines binary as 0 and some other number taking over the remnants of human civilisation = more godawful Terminator sequels.

  3. Zorgulon says:

    Curses, I was wrong! I guessed Bishkek. Guess it’s time for me to be transported.

  4. Premium User Badge

    subdog says:

    Prey hitting the top charts so long after release, even if momentarily because of a sale, is heartening.

  5. Darth Gangrel says:

    John Walker wished he looked as happy as the header pic guy when writing the weekly Steam charts article.

  6. Ysellian says:

    I’m totally going to quote that foot-to-ball bit.

  7. wackazoa says:

    “What if it has been multiplayer all along, but everyone appears as a random animal to all other players? And their spaceship a tree. What about that?”

    Queue Keanu….. “Whoa!”

  8. WombatDeath says:

    What’s the significance of “A. ʇɐqɐƃɥsɐ” at the end? Is it something to do with the Sumerian ka glyph?

  9. Jovian09 says:

    Look at the “A. ʇɐqɐƃɥsɐ” footer upside down.

    • WombatDeath says:

      I did that, but didn’t get the reference. Then I did and now I feel silly.

  10. sagredo1632 says:

    I am 100% behind GTA 6 Harborville if the player model is based on Fred Armisen.

  11. Premium User Badge

    john_silence says:

    Now that was a jolly read; good thing John managed to make it through the week without getting fired for once.

  12. Raoul Duke says:

    You guys love posting pictures of that guy from Prey. Personally, the design of that character annoys me enough in some undefinable way to stop me trying the game. Unless someone can confirm that you get to spend the game slapping his face?

    • April March says:

      I haven’t played, but from what I’ve seen yes you do, metaphorically, and then you can shoot it.

  13. ogopogo says:

    when I visited Cambridge some years back I made sure to take time to bow to the Giant Sky Mouth — it told me that life is beautiful

  14. Rikstam says:

    Good thing that Prey is selling, I hope it doesn’t become a commercial failure. Even though it’s not perfect, we need more games like it.

  15. Carra says:

    Disappointed. I still don’t know the capital of Turkmenistan after reading this article.

  16. Premium User Badge

    MajorLag says:

    You know, when John took over Steam Charts I was content to sit back and watch him slowly descend into madness like his predecessors, but it turns out he’s already just mad enough to be a perfect fit.