Beast Battle Simulator: a bag of animal fight foolishness


A godlike penguin destroyed 1,000 vikings 45,000 Persian Immortals cut down 600 ogres when our Brendan played Ultimate Epic Battle Simulator earlier this year. It was a janky bit of fun, a silly way to watch silly battles. Mate, you’ve seen nothing yet. The new hotness in simulated silliness is Beast Battle Simulator [Steam page], which does a similar thing of throwing units into big fights, but with animals and dinosaurs. How many bears to defeat a T. rex? And how many if those bears have flamethrowers strapped to their heads? You can find out now, as Beast Battle Simulator launched into early access today. Peep this foolishness:

Janky? Yes. Scrappy? Defs. Wonky? Absolutely. Flimsy? You know it to be true. A game where you can make a flock of seagulls fight heavily-armed dinosaurs and self-detonating swine? Undeniably.

I suspect that if my young cousin finds out about this, he might never play any other video game.

As you’d expect, Beast Battle Simulator has a sandbox mode where players can throw down animals, dinosaurs, and weapons, then watch the action unfold and jump in themselves if they want. It also has a challenge mode and some sort of football mode, because why not?

£6.29 on Steam right now. Developer Dog Hoggler (yep) expects to launch in full after 3-6 months of adding new beasts, challenges, and such.

I can now say I’ve seen a video game where giraffes strapped with miniguns charge into battle against a herd of triceratops, and that wasn’t true this morning.


  1. someoneelse84 says:

    Because video games. I flippen love it.

  2. Premium User Badge

    Drib says:

    Hm. I feel like this probably appeals to some people, but maybe I’m getting too old to consider “lol so random XD” as humor.

    Games like this, Goat Simulator, etc… just do nothing for me, at all.

    • InternetBatman says:

      I’m certainly not seeking this or buying it. But the fun in Goat Simulator is less about the random gags they put in, and more about causing destruction. It’s like GTA without the violence or misogyny.

      • Premium User Badge

        Drib says:

        I’m not actually trying to claim misogyny here, but don’t you only play a male goat in that game? Can you play female goat? Are there any female goats at all?

        I’m just curious. I played it maybe ten minutes, went “Welp, you run around and hurr durr and there’s no game” and turned it off.

  3. rubmon says:

    An irrelevant “me too”, it seems.

  4. racccoon says:

    Free is about the only thing I see here!
    The game devs are nuts to think people would buy such a game based on what we all can muster up during a test arena for game editing.

  5. Spacewalk says:

    That T-Rex doesn’t have a Brainbox. How are they controlling it?

  6. fuggles says:

    One step closer to the Dino riders game that we all deserve!

  7. syndrome says:

    Do I get paid £6.29 if I install this or what?

    If you’re asking me, this world actually deserves Far Cry 5… AND Mass Effect Andromeda sequel… AND another twenty or so prequels to FNAF, where you assemble the animatronic animals in a horror lab and pit them against each other, and then they escape and break the 4th wall.. I hope this is how it all ends.