I’m guilty of doing very silly things to Bohemia in Europa Universalis 4


As a wayward youth, I spent many an hour scribbling willies of all shapes and sizes on school jotters. As a respectable, responsible adult, I’ve graduated to ruining multiplayer games instead. Specifically online games of Europa Universalis 4. Bohemia is my muse, and I’ll never stop trying to make it look like a winky.

Bohemia, now part of the Czech Republic, doesn’t look like a penis normally. But surrounded by small provinces as it is, it makes an excellent base for a phallic-centric kingdom. It’s a grower, is what I’m saying.

EU4 is, especially in multiplayer, a game of intrigue and deals, full of lively politicking and diplomacy at the point of a sword. It’s serious business, and I’ll be honest, probably not improved by the childish giggling of a man who is swallowing up territory and dragging Europe into wars all so he can craft a ginormous dick.

“Can you spare me some troops, Fraser?” They ask.

“Sorry,” I respond. “I’m really close to perfecting the shaft.”

So the next time you think that grand strategy and medieval management sounds a bit stuffy, think of me, working extremely hard to create Europe’s — perhaps the world’s — largest knob. Maybe you’ll try it yourself.

RPS is out of office today. We asked our friends to write short posts like the one above on subjects of their choosing. Read them all here.


  1. jify says:

    As a czech native, I’m not sure how to feel about this. But seeing Brno on the map it’s worth mentioning Its a city with some of the biggest dicks in public space: 1st and

    • Vilos Cohaagen says:

      Am I right in saying your country is officially Czechia rather than the Czech Republic now?

      • onodera says:

        It’s officially both.

      • Vilda says:

        “Czech Republic” is the term to be used in official setting and such and “Czechia” is supposed to be for sport events, tourism promotions and such. Caught quite a backlash, not sure how widespread it is getting.

      • Kyle700 says:

        It is officially the Czech Republic, but both names are common. It is like how people say the US. United States is not really the name of the country but it is used like that.

  2. Fraser Brown says:

    These are good cocks.

  3. Amiideus says:

    This is the kind of J O U R N A L I S M that I want to find here.

  4. fearandloathing says:

    Nice army positioning there

  5. antszy says:

    k. i really hope you didn’t get paid to mind fart this out.

    • Fraser Brown says:

      I did. I’m going to use the money to buy you a sense of humour.

      • BlackeyeVuk says:

        What kind of different miracles can you perform beside this one?

  6. Dilapinated says:

    On some basic, Freudian level, can’t most of the inter-European wars of the late Imperialist era be summized as “swallowing up territory and dragging Europe into wars all to craft a ginormous dick”?

  7. Captain Narol says:

    Guilty, indeed !

  8. April March says:

    So much work, and Florida is just across the sea, already perfect.

  9. TheDandyGiraffe says:

    This seems totally justified, seeing as the Czechians have historically done pretty silly things to it themselves.

    (And I can say that because I live in Poland and, well, no one’s better at silly than us.)

  10. wombat191 says:

    I am offended, deeply offended. I did not give permission for Bohemia, my vassal to look like a giant dick!

  11. Someoldguy says:

    I’m being the other kind of EU IV dick at the moment, sending hundreds of thousands of men to their deaths in pursuit of a meaningless Steam achievement badge.