Steam Charts: Parabolic Edition

Come one, come all, but not all at once or you’ll break our caching, and see the Steam Charts in all their glory! Which game will have reached the coveted #2 position this week?!

10. Life Is Strange: Before The Storm

There was a once a king with three daughters. He was a wise and brave king, well loved by his subjects, respected by his peers, and intellectually feared by the royalties of neighbouring kingdoms. But a time had come when this king had become very old, and even in his fierce determination, had begun to show signs of frailty.

“Who shall inherit my kingdom when my day has come?” asked the king of his three daughters, during a dinner to which all three had been invited.

9. Arma 3

The first daughter Helen, the eldest and strongest, made her case first.

“Father, it is I who should inherit your kingdom, for I have shown strength in the face of adversity, fortitude in times of difficulty, and passionately defended your name when slandered. In these ways I will continue your rule.”

8. H1Z1: King Of The Kill

The second daughter, Anna, waited until Helen had finished speaking, and calmly cleared her throat.

“Father, I believe it should be me who takes your throne, as I have demonstrated a mental acuity rivaled only by your own. In the face of adversity I have counselled wisely, during times of plenty I have suggested efficient economic guidance, and when difficulty decisions have had to be made, I have advised with wit and care. In these ways I will continue your rule.”

7. Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six Siege – Year 2 Pass

The third daughter, Claire, said nothing. For she was not at the dinner at all, despite the invitation. Instead, upon receiving the summons had realised that both of her ambitious sisters would certainly attend to petition their cases, ensuring that their quarters would be left empty.

At this very moment she was filling her pockets with the most precious items she could find in her sisters’ rooms, while her footman prepared her horses nearby.

6. Grand Theft Auto V

Both Helen and Anna looked around for their sister, so consumed by their own intentions that it was not until this very moment that they had noticed her absence. Then, at the sound of a horseman’s cry and the galloping of hoofed feet outside the palace window did they begin to suspect something was amiss.

Their father, however, was not taken aback in the least. For he had known from the very moment of his penning their invitations that Claire would not attend the dinner.

5. Counter-Strike: Global Offensive

As both sisters hurried back from the windows, having seen their youngest sibling’s carriage disappear through the palace gates and onto the Western road beyond, their minds raced at what might have happened. Both were equally bemused that Claire would have abandoned her opportunity for royal ascension, and the power and riches that accompanied. At this moment maids burst into the room to inform the princesses of their stolen goods, leading to great commotion and consternation.

But not from the king, who sat in his chair at the table and continued to eat his meal.

4. Divinity: Original Sin 2

When all had calmed down, and the two remaining sisters had taken their chairs, their thoughts quickly returned to the matter in hand, both recognising that their chances had increased from one third to one half, both more eager than ever to know who should become the next queen of the land.

But their father said nothing, finishing the last of his meal, his expression inscrutable.

3. XCOM 2: War Of The Chosen

Finally he spoke, and both sisters found their breaths catching in their throats as they waited to hear who would take the throne.

“Anna, Helen,” began the king, speaking slowly and carefully. “It shall be your sister Claire who shall be the next queen of this realm.”

2. NieR:Automata

Both sisters stared in astonishment. “What?” they both cried with one voice. Then speaking over one another began to protest.

“But father,” pleaded Anna, “What manner of test is this? Claire’s actions undermine your whole rule!”

“But father,” begged Helen, “Surely you do not believe this to be some display of strength or cunning from our cowardly sister!”

1. Playerunknown’s Battlegrounds

The king replied to neither, and simply laid his crown upon the table, as the doors to the dining hall broke open and the men holding swords and flags burst in.

39 Comments

  1. Rich says:

    Man, GTA V hasn’t aged well.

    • frymaster says:

      Walker! I played the SHIT out of the demo of that. Was too ickle to have money to buy it though

  2. Dr_Nick says:

    Moral of the story: Stop fucking around and take the chance when it’s presented to you.

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    DuncUK says:

    If there’s anything to be learned from the unavailing story in this article, it’s that the steam chart series of RPS posts has run its course and is no longer worth reading or writing. I think it’s time to stop.

    • Babymech says:

      This was one of the best things I read all day (so far; it’s about noon here). The only issue I have is the ambiguity of the men with swords and flags – I assume they were deposing the king and his family, but it’s not entirely clear. Also, isn’t PUBG supposed to be a replacement for the H1Z1 crowd? How are they both hanging on to top 10 places?

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        The Almighty Moo says:

        I read it that Claire had taken the money to hire mercenaries to dippose her father and deal with her sisters.

        • Faldrath says:

          That’s probably the best interpretation – while her sisters were waiting passively for the future to happen and didn’t try to influence the course of events, Claire looted the castle, hired an army, and made sure the future was as she wanted it to be. Which would be a rather uplifting tale for a monarchy.

          • Coming Second says:

            I’m not sure you could call it a happy ending precisely, given Claire is a complete psychopath.

      • BooleanBob says:

        I’m not sure I understood it either. If Claire’s troops were about to take hold of the castle, why would she need to loot it in advance?

      • Andrew says:

        Claire would be the one to rule because she’s the only one that will survive the coup. Flags suggest it’s a foreign-led invasion or at least another family. Although will any of them rule in that context?

        • Mik'el says:

          Given that the story salutes the King for simultaneously containing the virtues of both of his attending daughters; Then it is easy to suggest that the King planned for the coup. By ‘running away with an abundance of wealth’, the third daughter is the only one assured survival.

          The King may have already prepared his army to leave himself and his attending daughters as bait for a rope-a-dope, that left Claire with a fresh army against the already spent soldiers of the coup.

          The King probably already suspected he would be visiting the guillotine… a la French revolution style. Hence why he took the crown off… He didn’t want his blood to stain it, by which his either daughter be traumatized in the future.

          The Anna and Helen may survive, though Claire will be the one with the power of an army behind her. Therefore she will be the one to dictate who ‘rules’.

          A sequel to the story would be awesome… In the head of mine, it has Claire establishing three different branches of government and the military being privatized, since mercenaries would have helped a lot.

          Helen, being he head of a council similar to a “Supreme Court”. Anna being the head of the a version of a “Senate”. And the ‘invading coup’ are given a version of a “House of Representatives”. And Claire being the matriarchal head of the royal family, and assumes the role of an “Executive Branch”.

          All of that after Claire universally establishes a Magna’Carta/Constitution like rule of law to start from.

          Could even be a movie that would be 10x better than any movie other than Marvel’s or Wonder Woman, if they followed the classic Hero’s Cycle, without belaboring over obvious IRL propoganda.

          • Unclepauly says:

            People. This is what Crusaders Kings will do to you. Read and Learn.

      • Koozer says:

        It is a story of a man who hates two of his daughters enough to get them executed by foreign invaders, and hates the third slightly less by letting her live, but cursing her to suffer the rest of her life in the knowledge that her last action before her family got horribly murdered was to rob and deceive them. What a great dad!

        It is a great story though.

      • Herring says:

        I’m not 100%, but I’m guessing the sister looted the place because she was behind the insurrection and didn’t want all the goods to get burnt / stolen in the subsequent riot.

      • Rorschach617 says:

        I dunno.

        The story is too nebulous, there are some illogical points that defy simple translation.

        Methinks the writer just wanted it end as quickly as possible, in 10 paragraphs or less :)

    • someoneelse84 says:

      No ways, it’s a great feature.

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      subdog says:

      Agreed. If no one wants to do it, just stop.

    • PsYchItOut says:

      At least he’s come to terms with the fact that no one’s reading this and used his creative energy on a nice story. Instead of explaining why we should buy GTA V for like the two hundredth time in a row.

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        subdog says:

        But it’s not just GTA and PUBG, is it? Every week we’re seeing new blood like Life is Strange and Divinity OS2. If you can’t come up with something interesting to say about their sales, then why even bother?

    • Alberto says:

      This post should be on top of the RPS-TEAM-CHART of posts

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      wonderingmonster says:

      I suspect they keep writing it because people keep reading it. All of us here were responsible for Alec’s descent into madness / the Vengabus.

    • Rindan says:

      You know you don’t need to read it, right? You can just skip over it. Personally, I find it interesting to see what is selling each week. Bonus points if someone feels like commenting on it. If someone wants to fill in the space with creative writing or whatever, he, more power to them. You can just ignore it, like I did.

  4. UnholySmoke says:

    2: Lear: Automata

  5. Lacero says:

    Story needs someone running away, pursued by an endless bear.

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      EasyStar says:

      Indeed, otherwise A++ pulitzer prize journalism, sure, but.. could have used moar Horace

  6. t0astie says:

    I enjoy this piece of writing very much so. It feels a very post modern way of video game reviewing or story telling.

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    Drib says:

    This story reminded me of playing Reigns.

    • King in Winter says:

      It reminded me of my last Crusader Kings 2 play. Across the span of six decades or so, I had to stave off no less than three rebellions by uppity kinsmen wanting to claim the crown.

  8. DeadCanDance says:

    Sorry, but why is divinity 2 selling so well? Is its release date near?

    • Ergonomic Cat says:

      Yup – it leaves Early Access (which was just the first act) this Thursday.

      Which actually makes me a little annoyed by this story. I get why it was done, but this was a week where a little bit of talk and discussion of D:OS2 would have been warranted. Also some links to XCom 2: WotC diaries would be keen. I want to hear about all the Graham Smiths dying across the world….

      • Someoldguy says:

        It was covered on the 31st August and mentioned in last week’s steam charts, so I guess they gave themselves a free pass. I bet it gets a big splash article on the 14th.

    • Viral Frog says:

      Yes. Also, the first was amazing. And from what I’ve heard of the new entry, it stands to be even better. (I didn’t participate in the EA, but I’ve heard only good things.)

  9. Viral Frog says:

    I agree with the above sentiments that the Steam charts articles should be axed. There should instead be a weekly creative writing prompt for John with vague (and rather questionable) connections to PC gaming.

  10. Bullfrog says:

    Are we totally sure John didn’t post an intentionally ambiguous story in order to provoke an argument, sorry discussion, about it?

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    particlese says:

    Came for humorously/tenuously related screenshots and a non-hyperbolic math joke; got the former, plus a new piece of vocabulary and a gripping parable. Huzzah!

    Although a math joke would be cool, too.

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    wonderingmonster says:

    This article came first in my weekly chart of best stories in gaming.