Metal Goose Solid: this horrible goose game looks fab

Consider the goose: nature’s prick. The goose is a creature of pure wickedness, driven to intimidate and terrify. Its honk is calibrated to the resonant frequency of the human nervous system. The goose does not wish to eat your sandwiches, it simply doesn’t want you to have them. The goose hates you and wants you to hate yourself.

The majesty and terror of the goose is captured in an upcoming and yet-untitled game [official site] from House House, who gave us the Cronenbergian wrestleball of Push Me Pull You. It’s a stealthy sandbox with a goose antagonising innocent villagers, stealing their stuff, chasing them, and generally being awful. Watch this delightful vid:

“It’s a lovely weekday morning in the village,” House House explain, “and you are a horrible goose.”

The goose does seem HORRIBLE. And yet, you have to admire it. Look at the goose’s bold swagger. Observe the goose’s cunning. Note how playfully it robs. The goose is a master of its craft, and its craft is honking bastardry. Let us check the goose’s to-do list on this particular day:

  • Get into the garden
  • Get the groundskeeper wet
  • Steal the groundskeeper’s keys
  • Rake in the lake
  • Have a picnic (remember to bring: basket, thermos, sandwich, apple, cabbage, pumpkin, carrot, radio, jam)

What a magnificent monster the goose is.

To accomplish the goals, the goose sneaks, grabs, steals, and distracts, and crucially manipulates the groundskeeper into doing its bidding. That’s the highest form of goosery: causing people to do terrible things to themselves.

House House expect to launch their goose game some time in 2018. It looks to support (cooperative?) multiplayer too, which sounds wonderful. Between this and Digital Bird Playground (which I still hope will come one day?), we’re approaching a golden age of fowl games.

Disclosure: I know House House a bit. Most of ’em have stayed with The Wild Rumpus as Rumpus House pledges. They very politely tolerated this charade, even when I held a squeezy bottle of mayonnaise over one House Houser’s head, shouted “OPEN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH”, then squeezed a great glob into his gob. What did he think would happen? Wait. Hang on. Am I humanity’s goose? Lads, we need to talk about this.

42 Comments

  1. Zorgulon says:

    This is exactly what I needed to see today.

    Thanks, Alice!

    (“Honking bastardry” is such a good phrase)

  2. pH101 says:

    Goose bastard

  3. Lars Westergren says:

    It’s not an accurate goose simulator unless one of the tasks is “carpet every inch of a previously lovely beach with your crap”.

    • death_au says:

      This comment combined with the “Metal Goose Solid” headline really makes me want the game to include a dedicated poop button.

  4. bob27 says:

    “Consider the goose: nature’s prick”

    I really hate this dumb meme. I gather people just like hating on animals because it helps them cope with how cruel they are to them.

    Humans are nature’s prick. Absolutely no questions about it.

    I mean we literally force feed geese for their livers. How any human can have the gall to question a goose’s attitude is beyond me.

    • Fersken says:

      Though I don’t disagree that humans are pricks, that doesn’t preclude that geese also are pricks. There was recently stories in the news here about a goose called “Harbour Boss” (roughly translated) who was attacking many people, among them he pulled a 4 year old girl under water. He seemed to go out of his way to attack people. Though I don’t think anyone was seriously hurt, he was eventually killed shortly after attacking 2 teenage girls.

    • Alice O'Connor says:

      It’s a little-known fact that I have a part-time job in a foie gras factory. Technically it’s an unpaid internship, but I’m sure you understand I’m only there for funsies.

    • Premium User Badge

      josborn says:

      Two possibilities: 1) You’ve somehow gone your entire life without ever meeting an actual goose; 2) You are a goose who has learned to type, and humanity is in terrible danger.

      • Premium User Badge

        Mungrul says:

        Interestingly, where I live in London, it’s a bit of a Canada Goose sanctuary, and they’re lovely. A bit honky, but generally not vicious and overall pretty friendly.
        Much like Canadian Humans.

        But there’s also these geese with orange bills that mix in with them, and they’re RIGHT bastards.

        They’re like that short, skinny bloke with the dodgy tash and skin-tight white t-shirt that you can’t make eye contact with while ordering a pint in your local, who just stands there glaring at you with a look of barely concealed contempt.

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          josborn says:

          You must have a classier variety of Canada geese on your side of the pond than we do here in the States. Ours are uniformly bastards.

          • theremin says:

            That’s because they disapprove of your lack of socialized medicine.
            They’re nice to us because of the NHS.

          • dethtoll says:

            The goose couple that landed in the field by my house were, by all means, very sweet. I suspect it’s because I had bread, but still.

      • bob27 says:

        I see geese all the time, both local and Canadian when they stay for a month or two in my town.

        I don’t apply human motives to geese, because that would be silly.

        They’re geese, being geese. They cause me literally zero problems. I mean is any animal that defends itself against humans an asshole? I just don’t get it.

        I mean good god have you ever met a cat?

        • Amstrad says:

          The internet informs me that cats are also widely regarded to be assholes. They’re just a bit more bi-polar about it and are occasionally lovable.

    • MrLoque says:

      A goose is prick because it’s a goose, not because humans force food down their throat. They don’t watch tv, they don’t “know” humans are evil, they can’t “hate” us.

    • pepperfez says:

      Humans are nature’s unspeakable eldritch monstrosity, obliviously annihilating entire species for no reason at all.

      Geese are just generally rude.

    • thekelvingreen says:

      Maybe humans are worse than geese, maybe they are not, but nothing — goose or human — tops the infinite dickishness of the wasp, a creature that is so intent on ruining your day, it will give its own life to do so.

  5. Seafoam says:

    My grandma had geese, when I was a kid the male one (an absolute psycho) bit my thumb and tore up my fathers hand real bad.
    It had like 6 wives over it’s overtly long lifespan, they kept dying young and I think it was sucking their life force for himself or something.

    I can attest from personal experience that geese are some of the most malicious creatures of this earth. Anyone that believes they aren’t that bad are already under their control and its too late for them.

  6. GernauMorat says:

    “Press X to honk” may be the greatest prompt ever.

  7. Premium User Badge

    Mungrul says:

    Bah, the comments system isn’t letting me post links and is eating my posts with them included. But thank you for reminding me of one of my favourite entries on Allie Brosh’s “Hyperbole and a Half”, Alice :)
    If anyone else wants to see what I’m referring too, use your favourite search engine to find “Hyperbole and a half dinosaur goose”.

  8. Spacewalk says:

    What would be the codename for a goose, I’m guessing “Howitzer”.

  9. obscured says:

    The only way to deal with troublesome geese is to have baby ducks that can transform into a giant man-eagle, true story.

  10. Beerey says:

    I showed my wife this post and got back about 10 excited messages in the space of two minutes. I hope an early alpha comes out sometime soon or she may explode.

    I’m also met with an inexplicable (given the game is about geese being dicks) urge to go feed some geese now as well, so I may have to head down to St James Park after work and find some. Is Alice and House House in league with the geese and fueling their propaganda machine to GET MORE BREAD? I’m beginning to think so…

  11. anon459 says:

    Smiles-est trailer ever

  12. mukuste says:

    That is the most vivid-est animation of a goose in a video game ever. It’s seriously amazing.

  13. Nackertash says:

    This is my favorite article and comments section ever

  14. Dogshevik says:

    Geese might be assholes, allright, but swans are really dangerous. And they know it. They fool people by their perceived aloofness, but don´t you try to fuck with them. Every year a couple of the more stupid tourists find out firsthand that that `graceful` neck can make quite a formidable whiplash motion. And there´s a hard beak at its end.
    Ever heard a swan HISS? A sound that wouldn´t be out of place in those prehistoric survival games.

  15. Stevostin says:

    Well, f*ck Starcraft; f*ck Q3, f*ck that latest amazing Arkane superb game, this is what I want to play now.

    I want to be responsible for Murphy’s law. Would put sense in my life.

  16. geldonyetich says:

    These goosey high jinks warm the cockles of my heart.

  17. AutonomyLost says:

    I love you a bit more, Alice, for the Metal Goose Solid headline.

    RPS, please raise the pay of this individual for all her brilliant contributions!

  18. itsbenderingtime says:

    It’s not a proper goose experience if you can’t hiss and charge people for no reason at all.

  19. cpt_freakout says:

    That gameplay video was hilarious!

  20. sagredo1632 says:

    Goose! Goose! Duck!!!!

  21. phuzz says:

    You can use geese instead of guard dogs.
    Shit, some stealth game should do this without warning the player. There you are, ready to infiltrate an enemy building, carefully scoping it out, and *phew*, no guard dogs this time. Then, as you quietly make your way up to it, a bunch of bastard geese come honking and hissing at you.
    Oh, and that sleeping-pill-impregnated-steak you’d brought along in case of doggies? That won’t help you now mate. It’s goose time.

  22. Premium User Badge

    MajorLag says:

    The way people talk about how horrible geese are makes me wonder what the hell they’re doing to piss them off so much. I’ve never been randomly attacked by a goose, but I also don’t try to pet them or walk through a flock of them or kick their goslings or whatever the hell you guys are up to. They’re animals, they perceive people as a threat because we are, and they defend themselves and their flock. It isn’t rocket science.

    I really dig the unshaded look a lot of games like this have. I hope that trend continues.

  23. DeadCanDance says:

    I missed you, Alice.

  24. rapchee says:

    one big problem for me: it sounds like a duck
    geese sound example: link to youtube.com
    duck sound example: link to youtube.com

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