In a week in which Assassin’s Creed Origins has managed to break the charts to such a degree that it somehow not only appears three times, but also stopped Feedly from being able to display the rest of the games in the correct order, we also see a few other new entries. But absolutely no new names.
Have you ever heard of Civilization? It’s a game in which you must grow corn, against all the efforts of Planet Earth’s history. Grow corn despite the invention of fire. Grow corn despite the Romans. Grow corn despite religion itself. The player who can grow the most corn gets to make a rocket, and blast their way onto the high score tables.
Have you ever heard of Foot-the-ball Manager? Foot-to-ball is a “sport” in which some men with complicated haircuts and shoes must try to mill about in a field while occasionally kicking the ball back to their “Goal Defence”. Occasionally players will get muddled and kick the ball in the wrong direction, and it will slip past the other team’s “Goal Hole Protector”, and spoil the 0-0 score to which all matches aspire. Then everyone has an affair.
Have you ever heard of Assassin’s Creed? It’s a game in which you play a sentient strand of DNA, who must fall off high things. As we all know, DNA contains each individual’s historical lineage back to when they were someone famous at a famous time in history. Utilising the discovery of the button on the machine that allows one to travel back in time through one’s own arm, history is explored until it is defeated, and thus incapable of preventing the growth of corn.
Have you ever heard of Assassin’s Creed? It’s a game about hiding in straw. But not just straw you might find in a farm or pet shop today, but straw from some of the most famous times in History. History is the bits of the past you’ve already heard of. And thanks to the continued efforts of those defending the growth of corn, big stacks of straw lie all around History.
Have you ever heard of The Witcher? It’s all about a professional Gwent player called Geralt who is looking for his missing daughter, presumably to play cards with her. He also likes to get his willy out.
Have you ever heard of Cuphead? It’s a game about a cup that likes to go back to the left side of any room as often as he possibly can. It’s FAR too easy.
Have you ever heard of Grand Theft Auto? It’s a game in which you steal cars, and watch live performances of unpleasant comedians. Since the release of the first GTA in 1997, the consequent invention of car crime has seen terrible repercussions on society. Also, in some extreme cases, people have been known to deliberately watch Ricky Gervais do stand up. And yet no one will ban this sick filth.
Have you ever heard of Wolfenstein? It’s the game that invented the Nazis, but now is apparently trying to style itself as against them. It’s absolutely disgraceful, trying to take advantage of the anti-Nazi atmosphere of recent times. If they don’t like Nazis so much, why did they create robo-Hitler? Eh?
I think we can safely assume that by this point you have heard of Assassin’s Creed.
What about a classic bit of John Vanderslice?