Steam Charts: Everything Old Is New Again Edition

In a week in which Assassin’s Creed Origins has managed to break the charts to such a degree that it somehow not only appears three times, but also stopped Feedly from being able to display the rest of the games in the correct order, we also see a few other new entries. But absolutely no new names.

10. Sid Meier’s Civilization VI

Have you ever heard of Civilization? It’s a game in which you must grow corn, against all the efforts of Planet Earth’s history. Grow corn despite the invention of fire. Grow corn despite the Romans. Grow corn despite religion itself. The player who can grow the most corn gets to make a rocket, and blast their way onto the high score tables.

9. Football Manager 2018

Have you ever heard of Foot-the-ball Manager? Foot-to-ball is a “sport” in which some men with complicated haircuts and shoes must try to mill about in a field while occasionally kicking the ball back to their “Goal Defence”. Occasionally players will get muddled and kick the ball in the wrong direction, and it will slip past the other team’s “Goal Hole Protector”, and spoil the 0-0 score to which all matches aspire. Then everyone has an affair.

8. Assassin’s Creed Origins – WW Standard Preorder

Have you ever heard of Assassin’s Creed? It’s a game in which you play a sentient strand of DNA, who must fall off high things. As we all know, DNA contains each individual’s historical lineage back to when they were someone famous at a famous time in history. Utilising the discovery of the button on the machine that allows one to travel back in time through one’s own arm, history is explored until it is defeated, and thus incapable of preventing the growth of corn.

7. Assassin’s Creed Origins

Have you ever heard of Assassin’s Creed? It’s a game about hiding in straw. But not just straw you might find in a farm or pet shop today, but straw from some of the most famous times in History. History is the bits of the past you’ve already heard of. And thanks to the continued efforts of those defending the growth of corn, big stacks of straw lie all around History.

6. The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt – GOTYE

Have you ever heard of The Witcher? It’s all about a professional Gwent player called Geralt who is looking for his missing daughter, presumably to play cards with her. He also likes to get his willy out.

5. Cuphead

Have you ever heard of Cuphead? It’s a game about a cup that likes to go back to the left side of any room as often as he possibly can. It’s FAR too easy.

4. Grand Theft Auto V

Have you ever heard of Grand Theft Auto? It’s a game in which you steal cars, and watch live performances of unpleasant comedians. Since the release of the first GTA in 1997, the consequent invention of car crime has seen terrible repercussions on society. Also, in some extreme cases, people have been known to deliberately watch Ricky Gervais do stand up. And yet no one will ban this sick filth.

3. Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus

Have you ever heard of Wolfenstein? It’s the game that invented the Nazis, but now is apparently trying to style itself as against them. It’s absolutely disgraceful, trying to take advantage of the anti-Nazi atmosphere of recent times. If they don’t like Nazis so much, why did they create robo-Hitler? Eh?

2. Assassin’s Creed Origins

I think we can safely assume that by this point you have heard of Assassin’s Creed.

1. Playerunknown’s Battlegrounds

What about a classic bit of John Vanderslice?

32 Comments

  1. Ghostwise says:

    That should facilitate retiring Ubisoft stock.

  2. Premium User Badge

    Godwhacker says:

    I’m loving The New Colossus- I hope it doesn’t end up being another amazing Bethesda single-player FPS that gets passed over in the way that Prey and Dishono(u)red 2 were. They might stop building them, which would be shit.

    • Nolenthar says:

      I suspect it will be different because Dishonored and Prey are immersive Sims, a genre that doesn’t catter to everyone. Wolfenstein on the other hand is a more classicish FPS. In 2017, it might have sold better if you played a Nazi hunting minorities but hopefully, there are still a majority of non bigot persons who won’t take offense at the setting.

  3. Carra says:

    Divinity: Original Sin 2 is gone from the list. Still, they seemed to have done quite well. I hope they have the budget to create a new game.

    In the mean time, I’m 50 hours in and only about half way through. All these new releases will have to wait.

    • stevex says:

      Well, It was in the top 5 or top 10 for multiple weeks, so I think it’s safe to assume it did quite well.

      • Lars Westergren says:

        It sold 500 000 copies months before Larian had estimated they would hit that mark, and they are over 830 000 registered copies on Steam now. If you subtract the around 30 000 Kickstarter backers and just guess an average of $20 profit per copy, that’s $16M.

        Hopefully enough to make more games in that style.

    • Zenicetus says:

      Divinity OS 2 is amazing, possibly my personal GOTY candidate. I’ve been playing it off and on with my wife in co-op and we’re having a blast.

    • welverin says:

      Three different versions of AssOrigins can’t have helped.

  4. dystome says:

    Have you ever heard of the RPS Steam Charts? It’s for people who sort of initially care which games are popular this week but then become despondent and need to be told some jokes.

  5. kament says:

    Thank you, John. It’s way past time someone recognised the role corn plays in history, entertainment, or both.

  6. CKScientist says:

    Do you regret having started this column now?

    Maybe you could have a column of the 10 most highly selling games that have yet to appear previously in the column.

    • Excors says:

      But then it wouldn’t have the effect of getting RPS links onto the most popular games’ “recent news” Steam pages every week (which presumably leads to more people reading RPS’s other articles, and/or clicking on adverts which fund the other articles, so it’s good for everyone).

  7. R. Totale says:

    My favourite thing about Cuphead is how you can’t skip the bosses.

  8. Turkey says:

    I wonder how long Wolf2 will stay on the chart considering that it’s currently being review-bombed to hell and back right now on Steam.

    • Nevard says:

      I feel like enough people are still going to buy it and love it to outweigh any pro-nazi sentiment (god it’s weird to be typing that in current year) but I guess only time will tell.

      • zulnam says:

        What’s the logic here? That anyone who downvotes W2 on steam is pro-nazi?

        Is that it? Is that what we’re doing?

        • Det. Bullock says:

          Review bombings for what I hear is still a bloody good game are a bit suspect, innit?
          Also internet nazis have this thing of showing up en masse to downvote or harass what and who they don’t like.
          Of course not all of them are nazis, but a good chunk of them potentially are, especially since the marketing of the game seems to have pissed them off.

          • lflambeau says:

            The reviews I read dont seem suspect in any way. They have a lot of hours into the game. Some have the previous game of the serie and some say that killing nazis is good and fun.

            What seems to come out often is : bugs, the story is less good and cringy, characters are underdeveloped .

          • zulnam says:

            Not every game that you like and has mixed means it was review bombed.

            From everything i heard about the game it’s mediocre, alright at best. Mix that with bugs on day one and the score is explainable.

            Don’t fall into the trap of demonizing everyone who disagrees with you.

          • fish99 says:

            Zulnam, the critic reviews aren’t mediocre, 89% on metacritic with 16 out of 18 scores of 85 or better on PC, and 27 scores above 90 on PS4. Also lots of political threads about the game on the Steam forums, and why are the ‘most helpful’ Steam reviews all negative, but if you click most recent they’re mostly positive? Something fishy going on.

            Clearly the game has some technical issues as well though.

        • Nevard says:

          Not every bad review is written by a nazi, no.
          But is the review-bombing motivated by pro-nazi agitators? Totally.
          This isn’t something people are hiding, they wear their allegiances on their sleeve. You don’t need to advocate for them, and shouldn’t.

        • wackazoa says:

          “What’s the logic here? That anyone who downvotes W2 on steam is pro-nazi?”

          Oh god no. The pro Nazi’s have all been dead and gone for the last 75 years. These guys are more like amateur Nazi’s…..

          *crickets*

          I’ll just let myself out then.

    • Zenicetus says:

      I haven’t read the Steam reviews. I’ve been playing New Colossus, I enjoyed the last one, but I’m not enjoying this one quite as much.

      I’m not that far into the game yet, but so far, it seems like a bland, “phoned in” design that just repeats the same elements and mechanics from the last game. That game was successful, so I get that, but I was expecting advancement in the series, not rote repetition. Linear corridor design, taking out commanders to prevent reinforcements, then the arena battle… I’m feeling like “ugh, this again.”

      It’s still a good shooter, but not a great one (so far). It’s the setting that sells it. Maybe it gets better.

  9. Freud says:

    Cuphead. Get out of here with your non-sequel ways.

  10. noom says:

    The GTAV screenshot is actually Ballistix.

    Just pointing that out so I can claim my old-man “I’ve been playing video games for far too long now” cred.

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