The Beginner’s Guide creators release a JRPG about Keanu Reeves because why not

Sure. Sure.

Hey everyone, look. The creators of The Beginner’s Guide have made a new game. I wonder what emotional masterpiece they’ve made this time? Let’s go take a lo– oh. It’s an RPGMaker game about Keanu Reeves indiscriminately stabbing people. Well, you know, maybe there’s a hidden message. A deep satire on the state of the videogames industry. A worthy soliloquy hidden in the dialogue. Perhaps there’s some understanding of the human condition to be gleaned from…

No. No, it’s just a rando JRPG about Keanu Reeves dealing drugs to children.

This game, which is called Absolutely: A True Crime Story, leaves my sense of news values all borked. On the one hand, it’s a creation by two noted developers (Wreden previously worked on The Stanley Parable, while Roth has contributed to the likes of Starseed Pilgrim and The Yawhg). On the other hand, it’s made entirely with the most clichéd free assets that RPGMaker has to offer, and thus looks like it has passed through the bowel of a Final Fantasy monster. But back on the first hand, it is pretty funny. But back on the other hand, it reads like two children were writing the same story by fighting to the death inside a Google Doc. In other words, my hands are full.

A utopian vision

Maybe you should just go play it. It takes five minutes and focuses on the arrest of action hero and guitar god Keanu Reeves. This is an event that, for legal reasons, I must say did not occur. I repeat, Keanu Reeves did not assault 15 people in a Sears department store.

Play it, laugh at least one time, throw it away over your shoulder into a pile of skeletal game remains. That is how we treat videogames here at RPS. They are naught but snacks for our attention span.

13 Comments

  1. Zorgulon says:

    Yep.

  2. mukuste says:

    After playing it, I have to say:

    wat

  3. gsilver says:

    I lost…

    I got the ending where I opened the items menu and there was no way to close it and continue the game.

  4. Masked Dave says:

    That… was a thing. Okay, good.

  5. Sard says:

    Played it.
    Don’t understand what all the fuzz about. Plays like generic RPG : you steal everything you want, kill everything you see, but you give people what they want so you are a good guy and everyone loves you.
    Unimaginative.

  6. yankee101 says:

    Played Stairs of Basically before, and I have to suspect these two are just doing a social experiment to see if people will play ANYthing just because it’s attached to a name they are familiar with.

    Also apparently Persona 5

    • yankee101 says:

      oh right, don’t get too many cold ones, more than 100 breaks that scene.

      • mukuste says:

        You have a lot more dedication to breaking shitty throwaway games than I could ever muster. Props to you.

  7. quasiotter says:

    (spoiler) My favourite bit is that once you kill a murderer, you’re responsible for their murders, too. If only that applied to all videogames…

  8. CronoRay says:

    John Wick Chapter 2.5, John has no particular enemies to worry about in this chapter, he gets free rein to do what he wants and just goes on a killing and stealing spree. No one is fudging with his dog or car this time, and his house does not get burnt to the ground either.

  9. Person of Interest says:

    This crass and goofy thing just makes me want to play Barkley, Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden again, which is still the quintessential free RPGMaker spoof game.