Some websites will fob you off with scant details about your favourite best-selling games, but not RPS. Here you will find gaming’s most insightful commentary on the leading games of the modern age.
This month’s years-old Final Fantasy release is only just troubling our charts. The twelve year old PS2 game will certainly scratch JRPG itches, but as Brendan reports, isn’t a stellar example in its class. The itch scratching class?
But you shouldn’t scratch itches, should you? It only makes them worse. Especially if it’s an insect bite. Oh that sweet relief of the initial scratch lies to you, as the poison swills back around and the inflammation only becomes more fiery. And then you’re scratching until it bleeds, and even then you can’t stop, and before you know it you’ve scratched a hole all the way through your arm out to the other side, and that’s when stag beetles get in. So maybe you shouldn’t play FFXII if you don’t want stag beetles living inside your arm-hole. Just something to bear in mind.
You know what I miss? Playing Slam. Slam was the best card game, because not only was it fast, but you also got to hit your sister and technically you couldn’t get in trouble. Now my sister’s 38 and hits me back way harder, so I can’t play Slam any more.
But I worry about you kids, with your Spire Slayer, and your Magical Gatherings, that you might have missed the purity of that most revered and respected of card games. For generations Slam was the game of choice, from the bars of the Wild West, to the gambling halls of Vegas, to the drug dens of old London town. It’d be a shame to see this great tradition lost.
Oh my goodness, can you even believe it?!?! Counter-Strike: Global Offensive has got into thezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Well, what don’t I know about Dragon Ball FighterZ?! Goodness me, let me tell you all about it.
It’s all about a man, probably, I imagine called Jake or similar, who has a magical Dragon Ball. It’s like a Pokeball, except it has a dragon inside, that when bounced off three surfaces is UNLEASHED! This is the 26th game in the series, hence the Z in the title, although of course that doesn’t include spin-offs like Dragon Ball Fighter$, Dragon Ball Fighter¬, and 2017’s German-only release, Dragon Ball Fighterẞ.
For some slightly less useful information, here’s our review.
Get ready, because I’m about to do a joke about how this two year old game about zombies has come back. You’ll want to prepare yourself, because it’s going to be pretty clever. All set?
Dying Light: The Following – Enhanced Edition is back from the dead!!!
Goodness me, do you see, because it’s about zombies, and zombies are humans that come back from the dead, and this is a game that was popular a couple of years ago, and now is back in the charts!
Once you’ve recovered, wiped the tears from your eyes, and gotten back up onto your seat, try to catch your breath, and I’ll explain why. It’s because the pack, including the original Dying Light, its season pass, some stupid skin pack, and the enormous The Following expansion, has all been 67% off this week. That’s ending in a matter of hours after this is posted, so if you can find the wherewithal after all that mirth, jump on it. LIKE A ZOMBIE MIGHT JUMP ON YOU!!!!!!!!
Enough people have been convinced to buy this game before they’ve read reviews (our review is coming 8am tomorrow, in time for the game’s release) to see if it’s great or a pile of stinko by the most desultory of offers: some extra pretend armour you obviously don’t need since people who don’t pre-order the game will be able to play it fine without it!
That’s all it takes! There was a time when publishers thought they had to put together extraordinary pre-order offers to trick people into spending £40 on something that might well be a steaming turd, adding in entire sections of the game unique to the gullible. They’ve since realised they just need to change the colour of a shield and announce it’s “EXCLUSIVE!”, and enough people will pay up to get the unreleased game in the charts.
I mean, sure, I’ve only spent the last two decades reviewing games with the pure purpose of advising people whether it’s worth shedding a huge chunk of their money on, to have that now be so completely undermined as to be farcical, so maybe I’m a touch bitter. But GOOD GRIEF, HUMAN BEINGS.
You know what this is a picture of? It’s a picture of a fish farting.
This is Reason #563 why Subnautica is best.
Oh bloody hell, really? It’s bloody back again? It went half price for a few days, and I believe the very last people on Earth not to own a copy finally bought theirs.
So this is the last time we’ll see this in the charts, ever. And I won’t have to think of a new way to write this same tedious snark. Although I feel absolutely certain that GTA V will be back next week just in time.
It’s tempting to argue, to myself, that the reason I write so much gibberish for the Steam Charts is the games that chart tend to be the ones I know nothing about. As I’ve chronicled many a time, the closest I’ve ever got to playing a Civ game was losing the boat battles in Civ 1 when my poor dad would let me have a go at that bit, in between looking at graphs about wheat, or whatever this weird series is about.
But then again, I’ve played Subnautica to a comprehensive level, and still just wrote a stupid not-even-a-joke about fish farts.
What I’m trying to say is, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for my whole career.
How about a pleasingly melancholy cover of The National’s Start A War, by Dom La Nena?