St. Patrick’s Day is a good excuse for digital drinking

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It’s St. Patrick’s Day over here in America. Like a gigantic dummy, I started a weekend job on St. Patrick’s Day instead of making a mess of myself hooliganing across my neighborhood like normal. This is good for the folks in my neighborhood but unpleasant for me, so time to live vicariously through some of the best and worst video game drinking mini-games, maxi-games, and casual effects.

Bulletstorm

The much overlooked shooter-slash-spacewhip game Bulletstorm has a cool achievement tied to the drinking/not drinking of Nom Juice. When the player is drunk, the effects grant the player the Intoxicated skillshot bonus and destroying the bottles will reward a similar amount. Shooting or drinking 20 bottles of the beverage will award you with the Straight Edge or Space Pirate achievement depending on which path you choose. I unlocked the Space Pirate achievement, as you might have guessed. The net positive despite your choice here is really clever, but more games should reward you for overcoming the extra difficulty (of your terrible choices).

Nomjuice


Grand Theft Auto IV

I feel like most of us, when asked where we associate drinking in games, will think of Niko and his cousin in GTA IV because, well, that’s most of what they do. The game allows you to give everyone you befriend in the game a call, and just, you know, get black out drunk with them. Getting everyone home by driving them or fighting folks outside the bar are the kind shenanigans you might expect. But the drinking effect filter was so horrible to overcome it gave one of gaming’s best examples of playable trashed-ness.

Conker’s Bad Fur Day

Beer is the reason Conker got himself into the titular bad fur day troubles. This game let’s an animated animal get mega drunk and vomit all over everyone around him, including soldiers. Why doesn’t he respect America?


Watch_Dogs

God bless the sequel for bailing on the drinking mini-game because of my god is this unplayable and unfun. Yes, I did try and fail to get this drinking achievement. When you can barely win one round, it makes you so frustrated you’ll bail immediately. This is, easily, the worst drinking game on the list.

Super Smashed Brothers

While not technically a game with drinking in it, this is a meta-textual concept that allows willing participants to get “smashed” which is also a play on words involving the title of the game. The rules are as follows: drink. You can google actual rules to this, but I’ve never been aware enough to play that correctly so like, just let me have Samus and back off.

Finally, a bonus deterrent entry to leave things on a real downer.

Condemned 2: Bloodshot

Few of you probably encountered this title or its precursor. While the first was a horror based C.S.I. style detective drama with dark elements, Condemned 2 is dark elements covered with dark elements and a side of oh god how can it keep getting more messed up. We needn’t get into the homeless crisis or hand-to-bottle combat with various cultists and evil gods, but for our purposes we’ll focus on the regular spirits. Ethan Thomas is a damaged man from dealing with the events of the first game, and he represents one of the most brutal deceptions of alcoholism in games. If you don’t keep supply Ethan with booze on the regular, his body suffers pain, his vision goes blurry, and his aim becomes impossible to manage. It is unpleasant at best. So that’s our reminder to maybe keep things in check today. Don’t get too crazy or, you know, evil cults might happen to you. But, then again, Ethan gains the power to explode people’s heads using a super-powered shout, so who knows what might happen for you?

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See also: Max Payne 3; regret in general. Be safe out there!

37 Comments

  1. Bing_oh says:

    What about the entire Witcher series? Doesn’t every game have at least one sequence where you HAVE to get blackout drunk as part of the main storyline?

    • ilitarist says:

      I think it would be cheating because witchers have a high resistance to sustenance. Potions they drink may kill a normal person. The only time you black out, I think, is when you’re drinking with other witchers.

      • Swordfishtrombone says:

        Surely you remember the part in The Witcher 2 where you get hammered with the Blue Stripes and wake up naked at the harbour with a tattoo?

      • Werthead says:

        There’s the party scene in The Witcher 1 which is quite civilised, then the aforementioned tattoo incident in The Witcher 2, and then in The Witcher 3 there is the mega-all-night drinking session between the witchers with Geralt and Lambert bro-bonding (complete with the traditional “I love you man!”).

        • Gilead says:

          The Witcher 1 also has a bit where Geralt drunkenly agrees to immediately kill some plant monsters for a farmer. Geralt bursts out of the farmer’s hut and you have to kill all the plant things in the dark while Geralt’s still stumbling around blind drunk.

          • kud13 says:

            The absolute best part of that is when Geralt comes back to claim his reward, his host (who’s handling the booze much better) first tries to pay him less, and then scold him for “running off to fight monsters.. while intoxicated” I love that part.

            Also, it doesn’t matter when you enter his house and commence drinking. By the end of the sequence it’s always close to midnight. SO if you stumble there early in the morning, you may find yourself in a nearly 24-hour drinking session.

  2. Disillusion3D says:

    Writing about games is depictedly easy, eh?

    Seriously RPS, get an editor .. sigh…

    • poliovaccine says:

      The irony of using a nonsensical non-word like “depictedly” in your chiding of a writer is… ironic.

      • Disillusion3D says:

        Well, that was the intention.

        In case you missed it, he did mix up deception and depiction in his text so I decided to run with it :)

      • FurryLippedSquid says:

        You fool!

  3. MonkeyJug says:

    As an Proud Irishman, I find this post both insulting and racist. The Irish are not alcoholics.

    • Spacewalk says:

      They aren’t a race either.

      • mike69 says:

        Irish Americans weren’t even seen as *white* not a hundred years ago. Let that sink in.

        Either way this article is bad and the author should feel bad.

    • LennyLeonardo says:

      Of course not, but people do traditionally drink a lot on St.Patrick’s day, right?

    • bill says:

      I don’t think the article mentions Ireland or the Irish at all.
      I thought St Patrick’s Day was an american holiday to celebrate Guinness beer anyway? So confused…

    • Minglefingler says:

      I’m Irish and the article didn’t raise an eyebrow. He’s talking about how Paddy’s day is celebrated in America. Which seems to be similar to how it’s celebrated here in that lots of people drink.

    • Evan_ says:

      I’m slav and I prefer weed.
      But stereotypes are fun – I should go get some cargo pants for international social events.

  4. Funokata says:

    What even is this article? Half of it doesn’t make sense and the entirety is incredibly dull. Where is the RPS wit?

    • emotionengine says:

      Yeah. Unfortunately, it’s just the latest in a string of embarrassingly poor “articles” from RPS’ worst ever contributor. (Half of the mentioned titles are also console exclusives. I don’t even know how he didn’t get the memo that this is a PC-only site).

      That’s three strikes, Wilbur. Your badge and keyboard, officer!

    • gealach says:

      Disappointing article. Went looking for better stuff.
      Here are some previous ones from RPS on alcohol in games.

      link to rockpapershotgun.com

      link to rockpapershotgun.com

    • Premium User Badge

      Ninja Dodo says:

      You’re all being extremely rude.

      Also you’re acting like RPS doesn’t constantly have off-beat stream-of-conscious musings that don’t read like regular articles. Have you met John Walker (link to rockpapershotgun.com)? Nothing wrong with unconventional formats now and then.

      • Funokata says:

        I’ve no intention of being rude. It is nothing personal against the writer. I was disappointed as I was expecting a either chuckle or some novel take on drinking in games.
        Stating that St Patrick’s day is “over here in America” shows a lack of awareness that doesn’t need explaining. It is poorly written regardless of how it is designed to be read. I love RPS for its unusual formats and subjects but this genuinely just strikes me as a little lazy and quite the opposite – a very standard attempt at a humorous list.

  5. Landiss says:

    Ahh, so this is how RPS US edition looks like. How do I go back?

    • Michael Fogg says:

      It does strike me as Kotaku-ish material.

      • Disillusion3D says:

        I don’t read much from Kotaku, but what I did read was better…

    • Premium User Badge

      Mikemcn says:

      It’s literally the same tongue and cheekness you find in 90% of articles on this site, why are you complaining now?

  6. fray_bentos says:

    Is this article a joke? “It’s St. Patrick’s Day over here in America.”

  7. jtron says:

    No mention of Dwarf Fortress, with its alcohol-dependent gameplay? Stardew Valley or Rimworld, with player created booze you can drink (with in-game effects) or sell? And there’s console games covered, with no mention of the brilliant Yakuza series, which attempts to teach connoisseurship of various drinks and liquors?

    I like the idea of this article, but maybe it should’ve been a group effort.

  8. Premium User Badge

    Mikemcn says:

    Wait, are people angry at Brock for being American?

    I think i’m discovering the dark heart of this uncalled for internet hate.

    Good article! Keep on keeping on, Brock.

    I think GTA V has a decent drunk mechanic, you can chug beers bought from the convenience store then try to rob it while drunk, which is super dumb and pretty much always ends bad. Also switching to Trevor to find him passed out under a pier is pretty silly.

    I also love Mass Effects various bar shenanigans, where your stoic hero gets turned into an absolute fool by trying to stomach some weird brew meant only for aliens.

    • Premium User Badge

      Ninja Dodo says:

      There’s a good bit in Mass Effect Andromeda where you’re on a planet with highly toxic water and as you’re heading into the wilderness with your Krogan crewmate, Drack, discussing the state of the water supply, he pauses for a beat and goes: “I bet I could drink it.”

  9. Kinsky says:

    First I see No One Lives Forever, and now Condemned 2 at the end of this article… Alas! Monolith, how I mourn your passing. The breed of derivative icon squashers you are known for today ill befits your legacy.

  10. remedialgash says:

    Surely there is nothing more tedious than a plastic paddy – nice one on NORAID you utter cunts. Maybe pretend Italians are worse.