Heartbreak High looks like the break-up simulator for me

I’m glad you’re all enjoying those there ‘dating simulators’ but what about those of us who are such trainwrecks that we’ve ploughed a romantic bulldozer through enough hearts and left enough wreckage in our shameful wake to realise it’d be immoral if we didn’t swear off dating? Thankfully, a game is now here for us. Heartbreak High: A Break-Up Simulator is an anti-dating game, a game where we’re already adored by everyone and dating our whole class, and now we’re going to break up with every last one of them. This, I can do. Coach, put me in.

With 40 minutes until the end of the school day, it’s breakup time, baby! 13 breakups are on the docket, so let’s not drag our heels. There’s no need to be a dick about it, mind. Through branching dialogue trees, we’ll convince the breakees that no, this isn’t a joke and yes, this really is happening and no, they don’t have a say in it. Some will not make it simple, leading to minigames including a Pong-y tennis match, a little stealth, and some turn-based JRPG violence. No one ever said breaking up was easy.

Supposedly you can also choose not to break up with people but… why would you do that?

I’m so sorry to everyone I have ever dated, some of whom may be reading this. I was very bad at the whole thing, but especially the break-up. I really am sorry. This isn’t one of those there ‘jokes’ I try my hand at every now and then: I’m a mess and have been a mess and I have treated you badly, and I am sorry. I’m trying. And I’ve stayed single for four years so… at least I’m containing the damage now? Sorry.

Heartbreak High: A Break-Up Simulator is out now for Windows and Mac. It’s £4/€4/$5 on Steam and Itch.io. It’s made by Alec Robbins and Good Bit, yeah?

9 Comments

  1. Sin Vega says:

    4 year club hi5

    I ought to snarkily buy this for some exes and drop hints about “note that there are many options to actually tell people you’re chucking them. Truly, games are wonderful fantasy worlds”. Yes, that’s definitely healthy, I’m gonna do it.

  2. fegbarr says:

    Anyone else now have the theme tune from the early 90s Australian soap of the same name stuck in their head?

  3. Peksisarvinen says:

    I wish real dating was more like dating sims, so you’d have the option to skip the dialogue and mute the sounds.

  4. automatic says:

    Breaking up is necessary sometimes to prevent the development of toxic relationships. I’ve been though some pretty traumatic break ups and looking back today I can see it could have become something a lot worse. Take this guy from the game for instance. Dating the whole High School… jeez. Imagine what this will become 2 years later.

  5. Catchcart says:

    No one ever said breaking up was easy.

    I actually thought it was John Denver who didn’t say that. Now I know it was Neil Sedaka. #TIL

  6. Someoldguy says:

    Sounds like it could be an amusing one-off joke, despite the visual style not being to my taste. I just don’t see how you can meaningfully navigate a break up when you have almost zero knowledge of the past relationship. You’ll just have to fall back on hollow “it’s not you, it’s me” platitudes.

    I have enjoyed relationship simulators in the past that have allowed you to build up feelings for multiple potential partners and then made you gently back away from all but one of them or get caught in an emotional backlash. By no means the norm of the genre, where typically you can just ignore people for days while you focus your limited time building other connections or improving your skills, but very well done in some cases.

  7. Lawlcopt0r says:

    Well I only know Alice as an internet-person, but I suddenly get the urge to link her a profound eighties song that tells her it’s all gonna be alright.

  8. yellowarcher says:

    The french kissing minigame is the best thing I’ve played in ages.

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