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Steam Charts: Unblessed Edition

TOP 10 PC GAMES EXCEPT THERE ARE EIGHT

Featured post Unfortunately this is also how Toys R Us had to find their stock.

Thank goodness you’re here! If you weren’t to read the Steam Charts today, you would DIE.

Dreary order is restored, as Plunk once more finds its way to the #1 spot it’s lived in for over a year (minus two weeks). However, there are at least some new entries, and for a second week running, NO CS:GO! NO GTA V! NO Witcher 3! NO Skyrim! What a world.

10. House Flipper

Goodness me, just go and do some real DIY for crying out loud.

Mundane job sims are so astoundingly popular, sometimes because they’re brilliant zen-like experiences, and sometimes because people are weird. I still didn’t know into which category House Flipper fits, and thus explains its continued chart success, until I watched Matthew’s video. Oh good lord, it looks like the most boringest game of them all. Unlike Matthew’s video, which is extremely funny:

9. The Forest

Andy Murray fans create warning to Wimbledon rivals

Did you know that the UK is 13% woodland? 3.17 million hectares of the madness. Meanwhile, 5.9% of the country is built upon. (Tell that to the next arsebucket who tells you there’s “no more room”.)

I say this because I want to highlight the danger this presents to us. 13% of this nation is filled with mutant killers waiting to strip our bodies for parts in their insane tennis-based sculptures. [musical sting] The more you know.

8. Total War: Warhammer II: Total Warhammerier

You know, sometimes I look at a screenshot and just think I want to switch off games. They had their chance.

The addition of new DLC, new hordes, and a 25% discount, explains the return of gaming’s most badly titled product.

I feel bad for companies like Creative Assembly, stuck in the endless cycle of reiterating their idea for decade after decade. Shogun came out eighteen years ago, and since then they’ve made over forty-thousand new Total War games. Although saying that, with the exception of Alien: Isolation in 2014, their forays outside haven’t gone so well. Anyone remember Stormrise? Nope. Not even the people who made it remember what it was about. And who can forget Viking: Battle for Asgard? Absolutely everyone, is who. Am I going somewhere with this? No, no I am not. I am simply filling the space beneath a game about which I can’t even feign the faintest interest.

7. Moonlighter

I wish people wouldn't define me by my job.

Now this is more like it. I am completely hooked on Moonlighter, despite its relative paucity of later-game additions. I reviewed it last week, and have then continued to play it after I should have gone to bed since. There’s something therapeutic about gathering loot in the dungeons, crafting everything you need in the shops after, then selling the leftovers in your own store.

And as much as new content does grind to a grind later on, I’m still just idiotically delighted by being able to bring in 200,000 gold over a single day’s sales, then upgrading my sword and bow so the next trip to the dungeons will be even more lucrative. Very pleased to see this little oddity making the charts.

6. Dark Souls: Remastered

Blatant rip-off of Nioh.

Last week’s surprise #1 didn’t last long. I think it’s a sure sign that Dark Souls is a game franchise that just doesn’t have staying power. Seems unlikely we’ll be seeing it again after this week.

3. Raft

All games should be set at sunset.

Raft is utterly splendid, despite only just releasing into early access. There’s certainly a lot more to add to it, but the core survive-n-build premise works wonderfully, as you change your 2×2 meagre raft into a floating mansion, all the while searching for civilisation. But absolutely best of all, as a consequence of my 3 year old watching me play, he’s now LARPing the game in our garden. Indulge me:

“I just need to get some more plastic.”

“Doing some repairs, then adding some more tiles.”

This continued as we were required to take our fishing rods/hooks on a walk by the canal, and a lock became our new raft, where we spent a sunny hour or so hauling out imaginary flotsam and fishies, before some canal boats came along and attention was diverted toward becoming a lock-keeper.

Yes, he unquestionably looks like a garden gnome.

Why the family pics on the big website? Because I can, and more importantly, because I think it should be loudly celebrated and shouted about when video games not only influence outdoor play, but also when they’re violence-free and creative. (Ok, sure, shark attacks are violent, but you know what I mean.)

5, 4 & 2. Bless Online

Yup, definitely looks worth £170!

Colour me bemused. Before today I’d never heard of Bless Online. Now it’s most of the top half of the top grossing games on Steam. I absolutely flat-out cannot see why – it looks like any number of other Korean MMOs released on Steam, most of which are usually F2P. Bless definitely is not.

In fact, it’ll cost you £27 just to get the base game. Then on top of that there’s another £144 to spend on DLC at this early access launch stage. And that’ll get you just 90 days of “Premium Membership”! It seems even after spending all that money, there’s a subscription to pay.

So it must be amazing, right? Well, Steam reviews are either unbridled hate and fecal references, or people saying, “Sure it’s terrible, but…”. It doesn’t appear to have had a single review from any known gaming site. And yet, here it is, at #5, #4 and #2 this week.

Humanity is a mystery that shall never be solved.

1. Plunkbat

Today is a Fink day.

The Steam Charts are compiled via Steam’s internal charts of the highest grossing games on Steam over the previous week.

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John Walker

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One of the original co-founders of Rock, Paper, Shotgun, I'm now a senior editor and hero of humanity. Old and special.

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