I have reached a conclusion. Everything that’s bad is the fault of Steam sales. Two weeks ago these charts had reached a place of being a fertile ground of interesting new games and discounted classics. Today, they’re back to being mostly a miserably predictable list of games that even the undiscovered tribes of Papua New Guinea have on their Steam accounts.
It’ll take weeks, probably months, to recover again. Before the sale started, CS:GO, Witcher 3 and GTA V, this column’s most stinky-stale running jokes, were only memories, long since ousted in favour of newer names and indie esoterica. Still though, running jokes are far easier to write!
Interesting fact: The Dark Souls III: The Fire Fades Edition doesn’t exist. Which makes it an odd inclusion for a list of top-grossing games, I’ll concede. But there it is, listed in Steam’s RSS feed, linking to a URL that doesn’t exist, with a fictional app ID. Good times.
Anyway, apparently for those who have access to this parallel dimension Steam, it contained the main game and the season pass, which is, um, Dark Souls III Deluxe Edition. Imagine if it were your job to try to make sense of Steam. Still, this nonsense gets me out of having to write something meaningful about Dark Souls.
Absent since the beginning of May, it was beginning to feel a lot like we were free of this image (and the game, I guess) in the charts. Half price in the sale has meant that oh who cares no one is seriously reading the blurb beneath the 3429035984th entry for this six year old game, are they?
Let’s talk about something else instead. Let’s talk about the blue-ringed octopus! It’s the most venomous octopus in the world, and indeed one of the most venomous oceanic creatures. But it goes crazy flashing its blue circles at you when it’s mad, so you’ve got no one to blame but yourself if it deads you. Also, as a bonus, did you know that the male blanket octopus is less than an inch long, but the female can reach six feet?! But get this. Their also immune to Portuguese man o’ wars, and the male will snap off a man o’ war tentacle and use it as a whip for defence!
8. The Forest
Just a 33% reduction in the Steam sale seems a wise choice for this quite-recently-out-of-early-access horror survival-me-do. It’s a complete splendid game, if somewhat frustrated by bugs that should be been extradited long ago.
It’s also bloody terrifying. You can read why I like it so much here.
Still though, even if the Definitive Edition is as improved as they’re saying, the original version is still an astonishing and wonderful game, so disappointment won’t be found. Just retrospective disappointment? I dunno. Stop asking me all your bloody questions.
The mediocre park sim based on the mediocre dinosaur film continues to sell an unfathomable number of copies, scientifically proven to be caused by the evil hypnotic spacerays bought by Frontier with all the Elite money people keep giving them for some reason.
But the larger question is, what even more ridiculous game will they force people to buy next with the money raised from this one? All we know for sure is that Frontier is controlled by octopuses.
It’s not the final fantasy, though, is it? There are always more fantasies. It won’t even be the final fifteenth fantasy, because they’ll absolutely be remaking it in five years time, and then re-releasing that remake with minor changes another five after that.
I INSIST they rename this series “Fantasy”. This is Fantasy XV Windows Edition. Then, when they’re bloody done, they can call it “Final Fantasy”.
Okay, so my best guess is this is some pointless cosmetics for something new that’s being added to Plunkbat, since according to my twenty seconds of research, Sanhok is a new map for Plunk that’s free to owners (pwners) of the full game.
I think it might also be more complicated than that, because last week Alice said it was “launching a paid pass with a progression track to unlock exclusive clothing and other doodads.” I know a doodads when I see one, but I confess to you, DARLING READER, that I have no idea what a progression tracks are.
How do you feel about that? Do you think less of me as a journalist? As a person? As a mammal?
Crikey, it’s been so long, I can’t believe we get to dig it up again! The running joke! But, with GTAV down two-thirds in the current sale, it’s purpose is somewhat diminished. The secret, you see, is that it pisses me off beyond belief that a) Rockstar are still charging, and b) people are still willing to pay, the full £40 for this three year old game. It’s just over £13 right now, so let’s adjust for that…
What’s Another Thing You Could Buy Instead Of GTA V Again?
This week is most definitely a Radical Face week, so here’s the extraordinary sixteen minute cyclical audio/video EP, SunnMoonnEclippse:
The Steam Charts are compiled via Steam’s internal charts of the highest grossing games on Steam over the previous week.