Steam Charts: Stale Of The Century Edition

Someone hold the poor thing's hair/tentacles back, he's awfully ill

I have reached a conclusion. Everything that’s bad is the fault of Steam sales. Two weeks ago these charts had reached a place of being a fertile ground of interesting new games and discounted classics. Today, they’re back to being mostly a miserably predictable list of games that even the undiscovered tribes of Papua New Guinea have on their Steam accounts.

It’ll take weeks, probably months, to recover again. Before the sale started, CS:GO, Witcher 3 and GTA V, this column’s most stinky-stale running jokes, were only memories, long since ousted in favour of newer names and indie esoterica. Still though, running jokes are far easier to write!

10. Dark Souls III: The Fire Fades Edition

I'm sure they'd all get along fine if they just sat down and talked about what they have in common.

Interesting fact: The Dark Souls III: The Fire Fades Edition doesn’t exist. Which makes it an odd inclusion for a list of top-grossing games, I’ll concede. But there it is, listed in Steam’s RSS feed, linking to a URL that doesn’t exist, with a fictional app ID. Good times.

Anyway, apparently for those who have access to this parallel dimension Steam, it contained the main game and the season pass, which is, um, Dark Souls III Deluxe Edition. Imagine if it were your job to try to make sense of Steam. Still, this nonsense gets me out of having to write something meaningful about Dark Souls.

9. Counter-Strike: Global Offensive

No, you're incorrect. It's actually getting FUNNIER every time.

Absent since the beginning of May, it was beginning to feel a lot like we were free of this image (and the game, I guess) in the charts. Half price in the sale has meant that oh who cares no one is seriously reading the blurb beneath the 3429035984th entry for this six year old game, are they?

Let’s talk about something else instead. Let’s talk about the blue-ringed octopus! It’s the most venomous octopus in the world, and indeed one of the most venomous oceanic creatures. But it goes crazy flashing its blue circles at you when it’s mad, so you’ve got no one to blame but yourself if it deads you. Also, as a bonus, did you know that the male blanket octopus is less than an inch long, but the female can reach six feet?! But get this. Their also immune to Portuguese man o’ wars, and the male will snap off a man o’ war tentacle and use it as a whip for defence!

8. The Forest

This is a ridiculous body image to ask people to aspire toward

Just a 33% reduction in the Steam sale seems a wise choice for this quite-recently-out-of-early-access horror survival-me-do. It’s a complete splendid game, if somewhat frustrated by bugs that should be been extradited long ago.

It’s also bloody terrifying. You can read why I like it so much here.

7. Divinity: Original Sin 2

A quick warning: real life evil wizards don't take it in turns to use their zaps on you.

The best RPG in recent years is due to get better later this year. Which would make me reluctant to pick it up just now, especially at just 20% off in the Summer sale.

Still though, even if the Definitive Edition is as improved as they’re saying, the original version is still an astonishing and wonderful game, so disappointment won’t be found. Just retrospective disappointment? I dunno. Stop asking me all your bloody questions.

6. The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt GOTYE

fart noise

*fart noise*

5. Jurassic World Evolution

AAAAAAND IIII WILLLLLL ALWAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYS LOOOVEEEEEE YOOOOOOUUUU

The mediocre park sim based on the mediocre dinosaur film continues to sell an unfathomable number of copies, scientifically proven to be caused by the evil hypnotic spacerays bought by Frontier with all the Elite money people keep giving them for some reason.

But the larger question is, what even more ridiculous game will they force people to buy next with the money raised from this one? All we know for sure is that Frontier is controlled by octopuses.

4. Final Fantasy XV Windows Edition

The Windows Edition makes the building interiors a lot more enjoyable

It’s not the final fantasy, though, is it? There are always more fantasies. It won’t even be the final fifteenth fantasy, because they’ll absolutely be remaking it in five years time, and then re-releasing that remake with minor changes another five after that.

I INSIST they rename this series “Fantasy”. This is Fantasy XV Windows Edition. Then, when they’re bloody done, they can call it “Final Fantasy”.

3. Playerunknown’s Battlegrounds Event Pass: Sanhok

Can't wait to see this in Fortnite.

Okay, so my best guess is this is some pointless cosmetics for something new that’s being added to Plunkbat, since according to my twenty seconds of research, Sanhok is a new map for Plunk that’s free to owners (pwners) of the full game.

I think it might also be more complicated than that, because last week Alice said it was “launching a paid pass with a progression track to unlock exclusive clothing and other doodads.” I know a doodads when I see one, but I confess to you, DARLING READER, that I have no idea what a progression tracks are.

How do you feel about that? Do you think less of me as a journalist? As a person? As a mammal?

2. Grand Theft Auto V

Exclusive shot from the forthcoming HD edition

Crikey, it’s been so long, I can’t believe we get to dig it up again! The running joke! But, with GTAV down two-thirds in the current sale, it’s purpose is somewhat diminished. The secret, you see, is that it pisses me off beyond belief that a) Rockstar are still charging, and b) people are still willing to pay, the full £40 for this three year old game. It’s just over £13 right now, so let’s adjust for that…

What’s Another Thing You Could Buy Instead Of GTA V Again?

These lightsaber chopsticks

1. Plunkbat

This week is most definitely a Radical Face week, so here’s the extraordinary sixteen minute cyclical audio/video EP, SunnMoonnEclippse:

The Steam Charts are compiled via Steam’s internal charts of the highest grossing games on Steam over the previous week.

56 Comments

  1. Zorgulon says:

    Being apparently from the Solomon Islands, I did finally become the last person on Earth to buy The Witcher 3 recently. But just for you, John, I got it off GoG.

    • napoleonic says:

      I have never bought The Witcher 3, and never intend to. I don’t know why people keep claiming that everyone owns it.

      • Vinraith says:

        Ditt, but games journalists live in a fascinating little bubble remember.

        It’s funny, I own exactly one game on this entire list (D:OS2) and have exactly zero interest in the others. Nothing against them specifically, just not my cup of tea.

        • John Walker says:

          I know it’s you’re lifelong vocation to hate on this site, but for crying out loud, no. The joke is based on the games having been in the chart nonstop for so many years that everyone must have a copy by now. Not that games critics can’t think outside their experience. At least get the jokes before you snipe!

      • Someoldguy says:

        Enough codes have been bought to give one to every mammal on the planet. Perhaps they’re just waiting until Christmas to gift you your copy?

    • Megatron says:

      I’ve not yet bought it either. :) Might do one day….

    • tristanmike says:

      I’m in the “Haven’t bought Witcher 3 yet” camp. Maybe we should start a group.

    • Jason Lefkowitz says:

      Me too! (Also from GOG.)

      I remember when it first came out, I thought “ehhh, sounds interesting, but I’ll wait a little and pick it up dirt cheap during a big sale.” And then it went on to be a big enough hit that CDPR never really felt the need to offer it with a big discount. Ooops.

      I ended up getting it for USD $20, which is cheap as these things go. But it shows how much the grand summer sales of yore have skewed my thinking that I look at that price and grumble that I should have been able to pick it up by now for $5.

    • Wakaziar says:

      Well, while that may make you seem smart I feel like the £50 I spent on the steam summer sale (Rust, JC3, GTA V, Terraria, Starbound, Darks Souls 3 and others) just makes you seem like a genius.

  2. napoleonic says:

    My favourite joke of the week: the tooltip for the Final Fantasy pic.

    • wackazoa says:

      Is Alice doing those? I only ever look at pictures on Alice’s articles because everyone else is so bland they never do these.

      I had to go back and read the pics because I didnt think to the first time. Thanks for the head up!

    • khamul says:

      I’m sorry, you’re wrong.
      That is a great tooltip – as is the dragony one at the top – but the winner is definitely the Jurassic Park tooltip. That was genius.

  3. Raoul Duke says:

    GTAV hasn’t been anything like that cheap for a very long time, and it’s finally low enough that people like me who refuse to pay full price for an old console game are picking it up.

  4. DThor says:

    The last time I played Final Fantasy it was a primitive affair, where critters lined up in rows took turns casting lightning bolt lightning bolt lightning bolt! I am ashamed to say that despite that I caved to the endless gushing reviews shrieking about the PC port with ALL THE DLC making it the Most Incredible Game of All Time and got it on sale. I’ve fired it up once and haven’t been able to bring myself to re-enable my Final Fantasy of hanging with an all-male K Pop band.
    In the meantime I’m just going to explode a few more dozen uruk heads…

  5. Sleepery says:

    Oh, ‘counter’ strike! *loud penny dropping sound*

    • Thankmar says:

      I got it just now too, bc you made me realise there is sth. to get. Thanks for that. I was all “That poor spider, why?” before.

    • Zorganist says:

      I am very glad I’m not the only one who took this long to realise.

    • wackazoa says:

      I was unaware that there was a joke for that picture. Always thought it was just some random picture John had found to express his rage at CS:GO always being in the top 10.

      Now I feel smarter.

  6. Excors says:

    My favourite thing in Divinity OS/2 is that when one of your characters is engaged in turn-based combat with the evil wizards, or even turn-based dialogue, the rest of your characters can continue moving around in real time. Particularly with dialogue that is scripted to devolve into combat, you can get your other characters to teleport the enemies around during the dialogue – off cliffs, behind doors, across the other side of the map, into groups of guards, etc – so you have a strong positional advantage as soon as the fighting starts. The enemies don’t notice a thing, they just happily wait for the next line of dialogue from the person they can’t even see any more.

    The game is designed well enough to tolerate you doing that kind of thing – presumably because it was designed for multiplayer with parties that split up, so they had no choice but to solve any serious problems with mixing turn-based and real-time interaction – but it’s still pretty silly.

    • Archonsod says:

      I remember doing the same thing in Baldur’s Gate. Dragons that invariably turned hostile upon conversation wouldn’t so much as raise an eyebrow to your party covering the floor of their den with traps.

    • Zenicetus says:

      It’s great for combat positioning and teleport tricks, yeah. This is also the key to pickpocketing every merchant by drawing their attention, and having the pickpocketer run away until the “I’ve been robbed” timer runs out.

      A bit tricky when there are other people around to notice, and you can only do it once per merchant IIRC. Still, a great way to get geared up a bit faster, especially with spell books.

  7. Drinking with Skeletons says:

    I know objectively that Jurassic World: Evolution is not a great game, but it’s really the only game in town for zoo management games right now. The genre has never exactly been full to bursting, and most of the titles in it have been underwhelming. But since it seems that nobody is interested in making a really and truly good zoo game, we fans of the concept must continue to sigh and accept the best that we can get. And by that meager criteria, JWE is actually pretty decent, with a wide range of beautifully rendered dinosaurs. The management side is anemic, but the “zoo” side of the equation is handled reasonably well.

    • Archonsod says:

      Yep. The last Zoo Tycoon trimming both the management and the actual zoo side down in favour of playing keeper doesn’t help (although having it Windows store exclusive was probably the touch of death).

    • haldolium says:

      You’re not wrong there in general, but in this case it’s a lot more annoying to me because I am convinced that it’s totally unnecessarily bland and deliberately kept as simple as it is. I can very well imagine that a lot of it has to do with the license restrictions and another with that license had a movie release so the game needed to be out then so they cut out all good game things and just made it look pretty (which it absolutely does)and be usable on consoles.

      I’ve now spent many tedious hours to unlock almost all things (except 3 camos or so from missing 5 star ratings) and finally get onto the sandbox island only to find out that I’m now entirely bored with the very limited game.

      No park creation game, animals or not, should ever become that boring that quick. They even did a slightly better park game just before. JP has many design flaws which should’ve been extinct as well by now. And also a lot of questionable choices.

  8. Mahovu82 says:

    Fun fact, but the first Final Fantasy was presumed to be the last game the studio is able to make, hence the name. It then went on to be quite popular, and the rest is history.

    • John Walker says:

      Then the second game should have been called, “Actually It Wasn’t The Final Fantasy After All”.

      • Premium User Badge

        FhnuZoag says:

        I think these days they’ve retconned the name to mean “each game is final in the sense that they represent the final story in their respective universe, wherein the main issue plaguing the world is finally and totally resolved, thus ending that world’s era of myth”.

        And then they made Final Fantasy X-2.

        • wackazoa says:

          And FF7: Crisis Core (great game by the way), FF7:Dirge of Cerberus (interesting game that does some different things for a FF), FF:7 Advent Children (never seen it), the mobile FF7 game that dealt with the Turks), On a Way to a Smile (the text based FF7 that has like 4 different viewpoints from different characters).

          So like 6 different stories/games in the FF7 series alone… not counting the “when will it come out” remake.

      • wackazoa says:

        Jokes on you! Watch the last game they make be called “THE Final Fantasy: No Seriously, We Mean It This Time!”

        Edit: Thinking about it though, Im kind of sad they didnt continue with Final Final Fantasy, Final Final Final Fantasy, etc. just for laughs.

      • Jason Lefkowitz says:

        “Actually Nobody Calls It Final Fantasy, It’s Called PUBG”

  9. Bull0 says:

    I bought Dragon’s Dogma and Dungeons 3 yesterday on Steam. Neither of them have made the chart, proving Dark Souls sold at least 2 copies last week. You’re welcome

    • Bull0 says:

      In fact, a mate also bought Dungeons 3, so must be at least 3 new Souls fans.

      Dungeons 3 is great, by the way. Miles better than WFTO.

      • Vinraith says:

        Dragon’s Dogma is fantastic, so congrats on that and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Never could find the appeal of the Souls games, myself.

        WFTO has been a disappointment for me, but so has Dungeons in the past so I’m curious what’s improved. I haven’t even looked at D3, honestly.

        • UncleLou says:

          Yeah, Dragon’s Dogma is brilliant. I wouldn’t hesitate to say it’s one of my favourite games of all time.

          I can’t quite put my finger on it why, but for some reason DD looks and plays and “feels” like my 14-year old self imagined Ultima and Bard’s Tale would look like, if only I lived in the 21st century instead of boring old 1986.

          Much more so than, say, the Elder Scrolls games ever did.

        • Bull0 says:

          The core dungeoneering in Dungeons 3 is much closer to Dungeon Keeper, but you also have to take your minions out of the dungeon and attack the goodies in the overworld, where it plays more like Warcraft 3 or something like that. It’s good, the dialogue is cringey 4th wall breaking humour and altogether too on the nose.

          I played Dragon’s Dogma for about three hours last night and was blown away by it. Very cool design. Quite a lot like the monster hunter games but with a more appealing setting.

          • juan_h says:

            The supposed humor in Dungeons 2 is just awful. There’s apparently a slider in the settings menu that you can use to make the horrible, horrible narrator shut up a little. Unfortunately, I had already grown to loathe the game before I learned about it.

            I liked the skirmish mode more than I liked the campaign. The narrator has a lot less to say in skirmish mode. There’s no script he can nag you for not following, for one thing. It could have done with some smaller maps, though. Maybe I’m just bad at Dungeons, but is it really so much to ask for a skirmish that can be completed in less than an hour?

  10. April March says:

    What is the Steam Charts? A miserable little pile of AAA games. But enough talk – have a trading card.

    • NailBombed says:

      It was not by MY hand that I am once again spending cash. I was called here by…. GABEN who wished to sell ME cheap games.

  11. Phantom_Renegade says:

    They’re instead of their in the final line of the Counterstrike entry. I guess someone read it after all:)

    Maybe as thanks you could fix in the log-in system?

  12. Fish777 says:

    If you purchase Divinity Original Sin 2, you will get the Definitive Edition for free when it is released. The article dosen’t make that clear.

  13. jeremyalexander says:

    How can CS still be at the top of the charts? Even the most die hard players I know stopped playing years ago. Who are the masses buying this game?

  14. Hunchback says:

    I am puzzled of how can GTAV or CS:GO remain in the top sales on steam after all this time. For this to be true, there must STILL be people who don’t have them and buy them, more so than any other of the thousands of games on Steam… How come?

    • LewdPenguin says:

      Or alternatively there are a great many people repeatedly being banned that keep on rebuying them. Given that both games are reknown for people cheating in various ways, maybe that has a little to do with their ongoing sales.

      That the cycle of buy, ban, rebuy has continously created staggering piles of cash for both companies for so long I do always wonder just how hard it gets shot down internally whenever someone claims to have written an update that would definitively fix all current known weaknesses in the game. Anyone saying that no company would intentionally leave their game vulnerable like that is spewing pure bullshit, the ‘poor user experience’ that would notionally put people off playing the games simply isn’t a strong enough factor, as clearly evidenced by CSGO/GTA each making eleventy billion dollaridoes every single week since 1873.

  15. sagredo1632 says:

    Is there a source that publishes total sales data for games? I get that this list is a trend tracker, like the Billboard Top 10 of gaming, but the relative sparsity of releases compared to music makes it pretty static overall. I guess it was amusing/dismaying to watch the Vengabus drive away with bits of Alec’s sanity week to week, but couldn’t we be sated with just a periodic notification of when a game has gone (multi) platinum instead of being reminded on a weekly basis of the reprobates who keep buying CS/GTA/Plunkbat?

  16. hoho0482 says:

    I have a sudden urge to download a speccy emulator.

  17. Calculon says:

    It’s too bad trolling is against my nature – otherwise I feel it would have been rather easy/entertaining to get John all fired up.

    Haven’t seen this much salt in an RPS article for quite some time. 10/10 – would read again.

    (Ok maybe a little trolling)

  18. racccoon says:

    I tried Grand Theft Auto V just a moment ago and was peed off it wasn’t 8bit. :(

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