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Steam Charts: Moderately Entertaining Edition

Steamy Windows

Featured post I think monster hunting is disgusting, and should have been banned years ago

Hello! Goodness me, it’s good to have you with us. If you’re reading this sentence on Steam, then I simply implore you to click through to the site to read what has been described by Simon Pulitzer as “the greatest games journalism the world has ever been blessed to receive.”

10. Planet Coaster

We can only be minutes away from the announcement of Queuing Simulator!!!!!!

I want to give you fair warning that I’m about to do a joke where I pretend to misunderstand the name of Planet Coaster and act as though I believe it to be a game about simulating the use of drink coasters.

Whatever next! A game about simulating the use of drink coasters?! Is there no subject to which these simulation games won’t stoop?!

Sorry.

9. Counter-Strike: Global Offensive

There's another universe where I can be bothered to make subtle changes to this image each week. Everything is better in that other universe.

OK, look, it’s probably about time I actually put some effort in and properly wrote abo…. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

7. Raft

Every time this charts all I want to do is play more Raft.

Yay Raft! I’m not sure what’s brought this most delightful of survival-em-ups back into the charts, because it’s stayed steady at its £15, not introduced any significant updates in the last week, and only mentioned that it’ll be adding better islands and a new avian enemy some time soon.

But who cares, because it’s brill, and it’s very splendid that such a gentle, sedate game is selling so well.

6. Jurassic World Evolution

Triceratops were of course hunted to extinction for early man's use of their bony frills as primitive dinner plates.

There’s nothing harder to write about than mediocrity. Good games can be written about with enthusiasm, celebrating what makes them work so well. Terrible games can be picked apart in constructive and entertaining ways, revelling in what makes them so objectionable.

But middling games… gosh they’re hard work to generate a good read. Which is why this entry is so boring.

5. Grand Theft Auto V

There have been some improvements accompanying the halving in price.

We’ll get to the running joke in a moment, but it’s worth noting that a constant gripe of this column has been addressed! GTA V has been out on PC for three years, with its price stuck at an outrageous £40/$60. After dropping 2/3 in the Summer Sale, it hasn’t bounced back all the way back up again! In fact, it seems with no fanfare or fuss, they’ve permanently cut the cost a whole lot, setting the baseline at £25/$30. Which means the below has been re-calibrated accordingly (and makes it far easier to come up with new dumb stuff!)

What’s Another Thing You Could Buy Instead Of GTA V Again?

This t-shirt for which literally no one will ever bother using the app

3. Islands Of Nyne: Battle Royale

OH THANK GOD A GAME A BATTLE ROYALE GAME ABOUT SHOOTING MENS WITH GUNS AT LAST

Oh, I hadn’t realised Crysis had released a Battle Royale mode!

Wait, what sorry?

Oh.

Ooooooh.

4 & 2. Plunkbat

Well look how the mighty have fallen! Only occupying the second spot and the fourth spot (via its Sanhok event pass nonsense), I imagine times are tough at Plunkbat Corp. Still though, we can’t get distracted and must have music.

For no particular reason this week I’ve been listening to lots and lots of Sufjan Stevens. In fact, I had to finally learn how to correctly pronounce his name in order to get Google Home to play him. (“SOOF-yahn”.) I’m picking Casimir Pulaski Day, because alongside its incredible sadness, it’s one of the most beautiful songs there is.

8 & 1. Monster Hunter: World

Every screenshot for this looks so dreary and washed out - is that really how it looks?

Tempting though it is to launch into the traditional tirade about pre-ordering games three weeks before they come out at their highest possible price, we have to hold off on this one. Because Capcom’s Monster Hunter: World is sitting on an absolutely astonishing Metacritic of 90 for its PS4 and Xbone release five months ago.

Of course, there’s the sizable risk this could be a completely terrible PC port. That’s not exactly impossible, although Capcom’s reason for the now extremely unusual enormous delay for a console-to-PC port was to ensure they did a good job of it.

So who knows! SHRUG EMOJI. Still seems astonishingly silly to spend £50 on a game that’s not been reviewed for the platform yet to me though. Let alone enough times to shift Plunkbat from its atrophied position on the top-spot.

The Steam Charts are compiled via Steam’s internal charts of the highest grossing games on Steam over the previous week.

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