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Steam Charts: Stale Blood Edition

Steamy Windows

Featured post This may look like another boring gardening game, but... no, I've got nothing.

The grim effects of the Steam Summer Sale are finally wearing off, and we’ve got a bunch of new entries this week! Along with, of course, the usual hoary old guard of dreary regulars. So hold my hand as I guide you through the most exciting article of your life.

So let’s begin the top 10 games with, er, #9.

9. Counter-Strike: Global Offensive

We had a week off the picture, but then you brought this on yourselves again.

I need a new running joke to go with CSGO, because the whole shtick of getting bored of trying to think of anything to say about it is really beginning to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

8. Hunt: Showdown

Always sneak up behind a church when hunting it, because its teeth are in the front doors.

A new crop of customers won over by a free weekend is the reason you’re seeing yet more monster hunting in the charts. Crytek’s multiplayer strikes me as the midpoint between Left 4 Dead and Plunkbat, and seems to be muddling along well enough without making much fuss.

Still though, I can’t help but be a bit disappointed that Crytek have, over years of difficulties, definitively stopped being the vital FPS creators they once were. Their Steam dev page is a demoralising sight, listing 2014’s Ryse as a “new release”, and featuring a completely blank Upcoming Releases tab. Quite why it doesn’t list Warface I’m not sure, and the lack of Crysis is very probably an EA thing. But either way, what isn’t there is the next essential single player FPS that has everyone saving up for a new graphics card, and that’s sad.

7. Phantom Doctrine

Is there any way this could be a bit more grey? Some tiny bits of colour are just poking through the gloom.

Goodness gracious me, Matt didn’t like Phantom Doctrine! This XCOM-me-do crossed with a spy thriller sounded like it should be all the good bits. But Matt reports that it’s “A big stinky old poo-poo cake.” I paraphrase.

It does make me really wish someone could make a good spy thriller, some sort of le Carré fare, all double-crossing and triple-bluffing. Sadly, it appears this is not it.

10 & 6. Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six Siege

I've always been intrigued by this screenshot, chosen by Ubisoft themselves to represent the game. It appears to feature a man trying to break through a metal wall with a stick, while there's a great big hole in the wall two metres to his left that he could just step through. His arm is blocking his face. It looks like a glitch. And someone at Ubi said, 'THIS ONE!'

Two spots gobbled up by the exact same Steam entry this week, inevitably helped by the game’s 60% price reduction over the last week. (There are a few hours left if you’re reading this right at publication.)

There is nothing interesting left to be said about this game, so instead I shall tell you that “Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six Siege” is an anagram of Cosmeticians Waxing Soberly.

5. Grand Theft Auto V

Obviously this is only available on 1050 cards and higher.

What’s Another Thing You Could Buy Instead Of GTA V Again?

The Selfie Brush (compatible with iPhone 5 and 5S only)

4. Rise Of The Tomb Raider

I remember when this was all tiles.

A whopping 75% off, in case you were wondering. In the meantime, here are my ideas for making Tomb Raider into something I could care less about again:

– Just a completely different Lara each time out. A Lara born in Mumbai exploring her mysterious heritage, a Lara born into a Māori tribe discovering ancient tombs in the mountains of New Zealand, an Aztec Lara born in pre-colonial Mesoamerica… Anything but the drippy bland nothing-lady she’s become.
– Some tomb raiding. I know this sounds radical, but what about if she – instead of falling through burning buildings and being mutilated in cutscenes – explored some tombs?
– Some humour. It doesn’t need to be so morose. Even the original Core games occasionally raised a smile, and the series was never better than Legend, with the excellent background gags of Alistair and Zip.
– Proper silly magical artefacts again.

3. Graveyard Keeper

Is he... growing vegetables in the graveyard?

It’s Stardew Valley, but in a grim fantasy world of witch burnings and talking skulls. Developers Lazy Bear describe it as, “the most inaccurate medieval cemetery sim of the year.” It all sounds fun! Until I realise it’s another bloody gardening game.

Lordy lawks people, go do some gardening! If you don’t have a garden, I’m sure some elderly neighbour would love for you to “manage resources” in their backyard for them.

2. Plunkbat

This week you are contractually obliged to listen to Pool Crosby’s Lanikai:

1. Monster Hunter: World

This game is even more fun if you pretend all the players are teeny tiny and the monsters are just pet shop lizards.

I guess this one’s sticking around a while. No Man’s Sky had its brief moment of knocking Plunkiplops off its throne, and has now completely vanished from the charts, but Monster Hunter: World is still here. Albeit only taking up the one spot this week, compared to last week’s greedy three places.

My guess is this’ll be at 2 or 3 next week, and Plunk will depressingly retake the #1 slot until the October releases appear. YOU JUST SEE IF I’M RIGHT/edit this piece after the fact to make it look like I was.

The Steam Charts are compiled via Steam’s internal charts of the highest grossing games on Steam over the previous week.

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