I imagine in direct response to all my
moaning insightful criticism, everyone in the world has upped their game and started buying some more interesting games from Steam. Such that this week’s Steam Charts, with an extraordinary four new entries, barely resembles those of the last couple of months! Hurrah! And you clickbait won’t believe clickbait where Playerunknown’s Battlegrounds falls this week! CLICKBAIT!
It sure looks like another team shooter to me, but, get this – set in a boring looking town in some sand. Except, Adam (sniff… WAAHHHHHHHHH!) recommended it rather strongly back in February when he had his hands on it. He said,
“It’s one of the most harrowing and thrilling depictions of combat I’ve ever seen, and I think it’s a goddamn work of art.”
But he left RPS, so can he be trusted? Hmmmm. Either way, the game’s not out for a couple of weeks, but apparently buying it now gets you straight into the beta. But you shouldn’t buy it now, you should wait for reviews, because they may have ballsed everything up since Feb.
Goodness me, there’s actually something to write about CS:GO. The title in these entries has slightly changed! This is what it has come to, because you fuckers won’t stop buying this game despite there now being more sold copies of CSGO than there are socks on planet Earth.
This is because there’s now a free version, that lets you play bots in an offline mode, or watch other people playing the game via Valve’s GOTV. Which will only encourage you awful people to keep buying the paid for version, cursing me to write about this every week until the flesh rots from my bones. Still though, it brought in a new wave of super-negative reviews onto Steam, as a new generation of people discovered just what a delightfully welcoming place is the CS community…
The Universim has been around since 2014, making its release last week seem like it’s about time. Except, nope, it’s released as Early Access, so goodness knows when it’ll actually be done. Who would have thought that making a management game in which you attempt to control entire planets would take so long?!
Honestly, just the thought of the task here makes me feel too tired to click. I can barely manage making coffee in the morning, let alone running the universe.
Why oh why oh why am I having to think of something else to say about FFXVWE yet again? Because it’s been half price for a bit, going back up to its full £35 later today.
Still though, the fastest shark is the mako shark, capable of getting up to 45mph. So at least there’s that.
What’s Another Thing You Could Buy Instead Of GTA V Again?
Goodness me, I’m in love with this song. I discovered it watching The Innøcents on Netflix this weekend, which is well worth seeing. Absolutely extraordinary tape-warp effects across the perfectly disjointed beat, plus an incredibly hummable hook. Apologies for the crappy video, but there’s no official one.
I fear this one is going to become another GTA/Rainbow Six/CSGO, just aimlessly floating around the middle of the charts for all of eternity, and I will slowly grow to hate it without ever actually playing it, until in my dotage I will bristle at its very mention and never know why.
However, its reign in the #1 spot seems like it might be over, having quite so spectacularly dethroned Plunkbat to the point where it’s now at its lowest position in over a year. So good work, game I’ll soon irrationally loathe.
OK, new get rich quick scheme: Remake other Bullfrog games without having to license them! What to pick, what to pick. Syndicate? Magic Carpet? Theme Park?
[cut to one year later]
Oh no I’ve accidentally remade Hi-Octane.
1 & 7. SCUM
I want to talk about this screenshot. All day long. Because I didn’t take this. This is from the official selection of press shots uploaded to Steam by Devolver. They picked this one on purpose. Goodness me, it’s gloriously bad.
Taking a good screenshot is a fine art. If you browse almost any game on Steam you’ll see what an absolutely dreadful job almost every developer and publisher does with even their own game. It’s enormously silly, as downloading a 23GB game and playing it just to take a screenshot to post on a charts article is perhaps a little much to ask, but this is what we have to work with.
ALTHOUGH, I will suggest this defence. This is a Devolver-published game, co-created by Croteam, both of whom made their names via the Serious Sam games. So, I’d absolutely refuse to back down and insist that this is a tribute to a Beheaded Kamikaze. Bombs for hands will presumably be in a future DLC.
The Steam Charts are compiled via Steam’s internal charts of the highest grossing games on Steam over the previous week.