Daddy: Hey Toby, can I get your help with some work please?
Toby: OK, but they might be disappointed I’m a cat.
This week on Steam Charts, my three-year-old son tells us all about the top ten grossing games on Steam.
The below is an edit of the chat between Daddy and Toby. Obviously you’ll want to listen to the conversation in full, for more details, attempts to pull the wire out of the microphone, and the dinosaur-based excitement. You can do that right here:
10. FACEIT 2018 London CS:GO Major Championship Mega Bundle
Daddy: What’s this game about?
Toby: Er… sitting on a bridge.
Daddy: And what are all these badges for?
Toby: Doing superhero things.
Daddy: Oh nice. What kind of superhero things?
Toby: Saving people… from baddies. Maybe it’s about Spider-Man? Oh look, that badge looks like Batman.
9. Grand Theft Auto V (Flibble Glibble Pants)
Daddy: What’s this one all about?
Daddy: And what happens in this game?
Toby: You bang around hitting house. And driving in swimming pools!
Toby: And I think it’s called Flibble Glibble Pants.
8. NBA 2K19 (Scream Beam)
Daddy: How about this game?
Daddy: A shouting game? And how do you play this game?
Toby: You jump up and down and you shout.
Daddy: And who wins?
Toby: That man.
Daddy: And he wins because he shouts the loudest or the quietest?
Toby: The loudest.
Daddy: Can you shout the loudest?
Daddy: Wow. That was extraordinary. Anything else to tell me about this game?
Toby: It’s called Scream Beam.
7. 太吾绘卷 (Squiggle Asteroid)
Daddy: What about this game. This is a strange one, isn’t it?
Toby: Jumping up and down on different parts of the world.
Daddy: What do you do when you’re playing this game?
Toby: You jump up and down in space.
Daddy: Whereabouts in space?
Toby: On asteroids.
Daddy: How do you win?
Toby: By spinning. Whoever spins the asteroid the fastest, they win.
Daddy: That sounds brilliant!
Toby: And it’s called Squiggle Asteroid.
6. Kingdom Come: Deliverance (Meanies!)
Daddy: What’s happening here?
Toby: Well, they’re fighting.
Daddy: Why are they fighting?!
Toby: Because look, there’s shields, spiky balls…
Daddy: What do you think they’re fighting about?
Toby: I don’t know.
Daddy: What do you think this man did wrong?
Toby: Maybe he tried to kill someone?
Daddy: [gasps] Oh no! And what did this guy do?
Toby: Maybe he tried to kill someone too?
Daddy: Oh dear. Does it look like a very nice game?
Daddy: What should they be doing instead of fighting?
Toby: They should be kind.
Daddy: What if they’re really cross with each other?
Toby: They should get control of their big feelings.
Daddy: Oh my goodness, that’s a grown up answer! How do you get control of your big feelings?
Toby: You just let them get out.
Daddy: They’re letting their big feelings out by fighting. What could they do instead?
Toby: They could just calm down.
Daddy: Maybe they should go and talk to a grown up?
Toby: But THEY’RE grown ups!
Daddy: Maybe they should talk to a child?
Toby: No! They would fight me! They’re bigger and scarier!
Daddy: Oh dear, we’d better get away from them then. What’s it called?
5. SCUM (The Horrible Story)
Daddy: What’s happening in this game?
Toby: They’re looking around, and looking at the grass.
Daddy: What do you think this man’s name is?
Daddy: And what’s this man’s name?
Toby: Brown Man.
Daddy: And what do you do in this game?
Toby: Walk around.
Daddy: It’s a walking simulator?
Daddy: Is there a story? What’s the story about?
Toby: Finding a tiny woodlouse, and then a slug, and then a snail.
Daddy: And what do you do with them?
Toby: You throw them in a pond.
Daddy: Oh! That’s horrible!
Toby: It’s a really horrible story.
Daddy: Oh dear, what’s it called?
Toby: The Horrible Story.
4. NieR: Automata (Squiggle Robots)
Daddy: What happens in this game?
Toby: Robots dance around in water! Look at all that water splashing up! They’re in water.
Daddy: What kind of music are they dancing to? What music do you like dancing to?
Toby: My Little Mermaid? Maybe they’re dancing to My Little Mermaid then.
Daddy: And what’s this game called?
Toby: Squiggle Robots.
3. Monster Hunter: World (Pterodactyl Spinners)
Daddy: What’s this game all about?
Toby: You fly around on pterodactyls!
Daddy: Oh my goodness! And how do you win?
Toby: Whoever spins pterodactyl around wins! And it’s called Pterodactyl Spinners!
Daddy: I can’t wait until all these games change their names!
2. Shadow Of The Tomb Raider (Fibblepants)
Daddy: What do you think this game’s about?
Daddy: And what happens in this game?
Toby: You swim around trying to find ichthyosauruses!
Daddy: And who’s she?
Toby: A lady.
Daddy: And what’s her name?
Daddy: Fibblepants, that’s perfect.
Daddy: I need one last thing from you.
Toby: What is it?
Daddy: Every week when I do the Steam Charts I put a song for all our readers to listen to. What song do you think they should listen to this week?
Toby: I don’t know?
Daddy: What’s one of your favourite songs to listen to?
Daddy: The Tamatoa song?!
Toby: [suddenly very worried] Yeah, but I don’t know all the bits.
Daddy: You don’t need to know all the bits sweetheart! We’ll put the video on!
Toby: So can I listen too?
Daddy: Yeah, definitely.
The Steam Charts are compiled via Steam’s internal charts of the highest grossing games on Steam over the previous week.