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Steam Charts: Red Dead Redemption 2 Edition!

Irredeemable

Featured post Tannks: like exploding metal horses

OK, look, it isn’t a Red Dead Redemption 2 edition, because Red Dead Redemption 2 isn’t out for PC yet. But if I keep typing Red Dead Redemption 2 into this Google is going to be SO TRICKED and the clicks will pour in and Graham will give me a promotion!

He’s been hinting for a while now that there’s a position opening up above Keyboard Cleaner, and I really think it can be mine if I can just prove myself.

10. RimWorld

Prison Architect looks like a holiday camp.

Rim World, a game named after the astronomical phenomenon of hat-shaped planets, was inspired by a firefly seen near the Wharf Fortress. That’s of course the famous port castle of Plymouth, famous of its insects. LOOK OKAY I DON’T KNOW. RimWorld sounds amazing, but also so terrifyingly daunting that the idea of starting playing it makes me too tired and I have to take a nap.

Crap, I just realised I could have gone with how Firefly, a genuine inspiration for RimWorld, is about cowboys, and cowboys make an appearance in Red Dead Redemption 2! That would have worked.

8. Kingdom Come: Deliverance

They ought to be careful waving those swords around because someone could get hurt.

You ride on horses, just like in Red Dead Redemption 2! They’re basically the same game! And both are surrounded by controversy.

Although I really think the fuss surrounding Kingdom Come: Deliverance has really been focused in the wrong area, because why on Earth isn’t everyone more furious about the name?! What does it even mean? “Kingdom Come” is presumably a reference to the Lord’s Prayer, as in its will being done, and then perhaps a pun on the fact that it’s set in the Kingdom of Bohemia. But then it has a subtitle as if “Kingdom Come” were a long-established franchise. It isn’t! Why aren’t we more cross about this!

7. Cities Skylines: Industries

Finally you can pollute your cities like you've always dreamed.

Nah, I’ve got nothing for this one. And, like you, have already grown bored of the “joke”. It’ll be worth it for those who send me furious emails about how I’m a sell-out for pretending I understand how SEO works.

Anyway, now you can add more smog to your cities in Skylines, which is presumably what everyone’s been dreaming of.

6 & 9. Soulcalibur VI

This truly is the ugliest game I can remember in forever.

The truth is, I’m feeling super-ill with some dumb cold, and I figured, “Hey, doing some stupid running joke where I write ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ a whole lot should get me through this more quickly.” And yet, here we are now, the facade having fallen apart, the gag run dry less than halfway through, and me trying to fill the space by literally talking about the fact it has.

This isn’t what anyone wants. This disappoints the grumpy, “JUST WRITE ABOUT THE GAMES I ALREADY KNOW ABOUT” crowd, AND those who want some fun times. Right now I’m failing everybody, and I haven’t even mentioned Soulcalibur VI.

5. Rise Of The Tomb Raider

Lara's visit to the Epcot Center didn't end well.

I could try to turn it around now. Look, this is strange, RISE of the Tomb Raider is in the charts, when it was Shadow last week! It’s down to a tenner for the rest of Monday, which is a great price for the game.

See, that sort of thing? That normally does the trick. But maybe it’s too late? Maybe this has unravelled too far? Maybe it’s for the best? I mean, on another week I could have written:

“Have Square Enix given Lara long enough to prove herself, in order to get a good Rise Of The Tomb Raider?”

So maybe this faux-meta self-introspection shtick is by far the better option?

4. Assassin’s Creed Odyssey

It's now the law that every game should be set in autumn.

Here’s a thing. I’d genuinely considered doing an acrostic thing to try to really run the RDR2 joke into the ground.

Really, that was how far I was willing to see what you’d
endure. And I’d have
done it this badly.

Do you see how the joke really would only have worked for the one word, the
entire title far too long
and the idea beginning to grate long after the joke was
dead.

Really, I’d have used the word “dead” for a “d”. And struggled for words beginning with
e, such that I’d probably have stooped that low. I’m
definitely not above such things, which is
evident enough if you’ve read Steam Charts
much in the
past. See, even now,
this is “meta” approach
is grimly flogging the dead horse, making it increasingly
obvious I’ll do something as awful as finish it by just writing the
number
2

3. Foot-to-Ball Manager 2019

If any FM2019 fans want to do my taxes for me too, just let me know.

Tell you what though. Even this utter shit is better than trying to think of something to say about Spreadsheet Simulator 2019.

2. Plunkbat

Good grief, I only just found out there’s a new Noname album. How am I a month behind on this?

1. World War 3

Fairly typical rush hour scenes on the Northern Line.

And there we have it. The Steam Charts Red Dead Redemption Special. I hope you’ve enjoyed it folks, it’s been quite a time. Join us again next week when maybe we’ll mention the games we’re writing under, or maybe we’ll just write some unutterable bollocks about something trite like wheelie bins.

I’m guessing things have improved since WW3’s disastrous launch? They’ve abandoned Steam Updates, it seems, and their own new forums have also studiously avoided posting any news and announcements. Look, at this point are you expecting any real effort on my part? I’M ILL. Red Dead Redemption Britney Spears Bitcoin.

The Steam Charts are compiled via Steam’s internal charts of the highest grossing games on Steam over the previous week.

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