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Steam Charts: Do U Cyber Edition

Cyberian Desert

Featured post The Singularity.

Beep boop. I am the SteamChartBot, and welcome to the CYBERCHARTS. They’re like the regular charts, but they have the word “CYBER” shouted at the start, and that makes them really bloody cool.

If you’re here because you clicked through from the news page of Playerunknownbattlegrounds, you are incorrect to be disappointed by the results, because you’re greeted by so much HILARIOUS writing, and the whole rest of the wonderful RPS website. In fact, YOU owe US.

In the meantime, this week is about as awful and tedious as the charts get. Hopefully the current sale will shake things up a bit by next week. Boop.

10. 7h3 w17ch3r 3: w1ld hun7

His penis is duck-shaped.

Well looky here, a chance to bring back our new regular column already, until you mofos stop buying this game so I can write about something else.

The Bitcher

I’ve had this revelation! Get ready, because this is going to blow your minds… When you go to the supermarket, and all your purchases have been put through the till and you’ve put them into your bags, you’re going to have to pay for them!

I know, to seemingly EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE STUFFING WORLD, this is something of an unknown! Because there’s no other explanation for why, whenever I’m stood in line at the checkout, the very concept seems to take absolutely everyone in front of me by surprise.

“Oh! I have to PAY?! That’s a thing, is it?! Well goodness gracious me, let me see, I’ve most likely got a wallet or purse here somewhere! It’s probably in one of these pockets in my coat that I’ve somehow put on the right way around today without any outside help!”

GET YOUR SODDING WALLET OUT WHILE YOU’RE WAITING IN LINE, YOU HATEFUL SHITLORDS.

9. c0un73r-57r1k3: 6l0b4l 0ff3n51v3 full 3d1710n

Cracks are also appearing in my sanity.

Far be it from me to hate people for buying the same six-year-old game every week, but can I just say how absolutely full-throatedly bloody delighted I am to discover enough people paid the full price to see it chart the week before the price halved. Ha ha ha. HA HA. HA HA HA. Ha.

Even better, right now in Steam’s sale you can buy CSGO: Full for £5.69 (or whatever counts for money in your bizarro-land), OR get CSGO: Full alongside Condition Zero, and CS: Source for £5.32. Oh wouldn’t it be simply terrible if someone bought the one game on its own for more money?! Gosh, you’d have to be terrible to be really, really glad.

8. d1v1n17y: 0r161n4l 51n 2 – d3f1n171v3 3d1710n

Annoyingly our CMS doesn't show me who uploaded an image, so I can't track down the colleague responsible for cropping this so awfully that there's that bit poking in at the top, but I include this here so that hopefully they'll come forward and accept their punishment.

I’m not mad, I love this game as much as any decent person. But I am really not sure I can ever forgive the wasted opportunity for puns in the title of this enhanced edition.

THQ Nordic, or whatever they’re calling themselves this week, are the only ones doing this right. ” Darksiders: Warmastered Edition”. “Darksiders 2: Deathinitive Edition”. Perfect. “Red Faction Guerrilla: Re-Mars-tered”? A MARS-TERPIECE. So why in the name of all things unholy is this not called “Divinity: Original Sin 2 – Divinitive Edition?

YOU ANSWER ME THAT.

6. fl1bbl3 6l1bbl3 p4n75

Or was this GTA IV?

Sale prices mean the game’s down to £16.49/$19.79/€19.79.

What’s Another Thing You Could Buy Instead Of GTA V Again?

These cyber-glitching playing cards

5. Plunkbat

I’ve had a right shitty week, so I’m indulging myself with one of my top three bands, The Books. I’ve never actually looked into it, but I’ve always assumed that the track Classy Penguin was a tribute to Penguin Cafe Orchestra. If it isn’t, I don’t want to know.

4. 4554551n’5 cr33d 0dy553y

Damn I'm good at AssOdd screenshots. Admire me.

I’m impressed it’s still selling well enough to stick around the charts, especially considering it’s already had to resort to a hefty price cut for the console version. It’ll do even better next week, I suspect, down to £30 in the Autumn Sale.

No joke here, admittedly. But instead I’ll suggest you listen to the excellent Natalie Haynes Stands Up For The Classics, which is currently being repeated from the start on Radio 4 Extra. The first series features Aspasia and Sophocles from off of Ancient Greece.

3. 7074l w4r: w4rh4mm3r 11

Having a column of fire on your team is definitely cheating.

I have long lamented the failure of modern schooling to properly teach history, conspiratorially refusing to include the periods of our past when there were wizards and dragons and all that stuff. Sure, they’ll talk about the Magna Carta, or the Spinning Jenny, but nooooo, for some reason no time to mention the battles against evil warlocks. (Sorry, American readers, “history” is things that happened in the olden days.)

So I’m very pleased to see that the historical Total War series is making some attempts to put this right with its accounts of the Warhammer battles that once ravaged across Europe. See how the GOVERNMENT tries to keep it all quiet after this.

2. m0n573r hun73r w0rld

Gotta slaughter em all.

Right, suggestions for a running joke to go with this bloody game in the comments please. It needs to be entirely unrelated to the game, because otherwise anyone reading the column for the first time might have the faintest idea what’s going on.

7 & 1. f4rm1n6 51mul470r 19

Sure, it looks lovely, but these are just on their way to plough the cows.

I officially don’t get it. I’ve played a couple of these games (although not this one), and they’re genuinely terrible. They’re bland, bitty, the controls are a disaster, and the tasks are like a parody of bad side quests in MMOs. And here it is, so popular it’s taking up two spots in the charts at full price.

Not least because we’re surely only a few years away from the whole farming process being run by robots? Not even real-life people want to do this in real life!

The Steam Cyber Charts are cyber-compiled via Steam’s internal cyber-charts of the highest grossing cyber-games on Steam over the previous cyber-week.

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