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Steam Charts: Zombified Edition

Grab a bite to eat

Featured post I love the new romance plot the remake adds.

Once bitten, twice shy, is not a good aphorism for zombies. They’re not very shy at all. In fact, some of them are positively bold. They’ve wreaked havoc with this week’s Steam Charts, taking over nearly half the entries. Which, admittedly, saves me thinking up a bunch of other stupid shit to write.

Yes, click through, read on, for the bunch of stupid shit I did write.

10. Ace Combat 7: Skies Unknown

Someone desperately needs to Photoshop in a Death Star.

It’s still not out, it’s still an astonishing £50 even to pre-order, and it’s still in the charts. But then I found out about the plot.

I’ll admit to not being familiar with the primarily console-released Ace Combat series and its “Strangereal” setting. So let’s go through 7’s story as Wikipedia summarises:

“Avril Mead is a mechanic who, while flying with an old fighter jet she rebuilt from scratch, is caught in a crossfire between Osean and Erusean forces…”

OK, sure, the spunky mechanic trope, caught up in a war.

“…as Erusea launches a surprise attack using a massive number of UAVs against military targets from Osea and the IUPF…”

Well, it’s a videogame, so of course we have to have some impenetrable initialisms and made up places, but yes, war between pretend places, got it.

“…capturing most of the Usean continent including the International Space Elevator-“

[record scratch]

I recommend reading the whole thing, because it descends into daytime soap levels of nonsense (“Avril encounters Rosa Cossette D’Elise, Princess of Erusea, who regrets having supported the war, while the Strider Squadron learns from an Erusean officer that the drone technology…”), and goodness me, now I’m interested.

9. Flibble Glibble Pants

The rarely unlocked Cuba section of GTA V.

What’s Another Thing You Could Buy Instead Of GTA V Again?

This personalised Haribo sweetie tree

8. Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six Siege

Simon realised he'd misheard when he was told to assassinate the marquis.

Great, I need ANOTHER running joke, don’t I? This is never going away. I can’t even find the fun in-jokes about Clancy’s propped-up corpse programming all these updates any more (please if I die make jokes about my propped up corpse working on RPS).

Although, I may feign regret, but I also really like the idea of a week where the Steam Charts is a completely impenetrable mess of long-running in-jokes, accessible to only the smallest number, useful to absolutely no one. Let’s be honest: that’s the goal I’m working toward. I mean, hell, look at the entry above. What is GOING ON there?

BRB, just adding “accessible to only the smallest number, useful to absolutely no one” to my LinkedIn profile.

7. Battlefleet Gothic: Armada 2

I always get completely sidetracked by thinking about who has the resources to build ships like those in the background. Like, just the materials alone would be so madly impossible to procure in enough volume, let alone the construction costs. Far too silly.

The idea of playing a game like Armada 2 fills me with so much dread that I want to lie down in an empty bath. But it also looks so cool! This is my response to almost every space-based strategy, honestly. I used to love watching Jim Rossignol, late of this parish, play Eve over at his house. But the idea of actually playing it myself? I enjoy watching those wingsuiters flying through tiny gaps in rocky landscapes, but I’m not about to don a flappy anorak and jump out of a plane.

But just now I had this idea. What if I could watch someone else playing? No, bear with me. Like, what if they could play the game, but they could beam the footage of their doing so onto the internet, so other people could watch? Seriously, I think if someone were to do this, I wouldn’t be the only person interested in tuning in. I really think this could be a thing.

6. Plunkbat

Sometimes I listen to new stuff by Jenny Lewis and think, “Oh bums. This isn’t music I like.” Because gosh I loved Rilo Kiley. And then I think, “Wait! It’s still possible to listen to music from the past!” And then I do. And this is my favourite, primarily because it contains the most sincerely bellowed swear word in all of singing.

4. Monster Hunter: World

A single karate kick to the neck is enough to get yourself eaten.

As these are the only Monster Hunter: World guides that exist on the internet, it’s imperative I continue.

Glunk

This week: It’s Glunk! Oh, Glunk.

Glunk’s weaknesses and resistances

Well, we all know about Glunk’s weaknesses and resistances! After they were splashed all over the tabloid press this weekend, there’s really nothing more to say. But Glunk… Oh, Glunk.

How to fight Glunk

Fighting Glunk is a lot like reversing a car into a garage full of bubble wrap. Or perhaps think of it as when you get onto a plane, and you realise someone’s already sat in your designated seat, and it’s actually they who’ve made the mistake and sat in the wrong row thanks to ambiguously placed seat numbers, and they have to move all their stuff from the seat pocket and the overheard locker, and even though you did absolutely nothing wrong you still feel really guilty for it. Or imagine a Holstein Fresian cow, suspended on a harness from a helicopter, being gently lowered into a flat-bed truck filled with magnets. It’s a lot like that.

5, 3, 2 & 1. Resident Evil 2

I've had trips to the dentist like this.

The ancient corpse of 1998’s Resident Evil 2 has risen, redecorated its lounge, and started gruesomely munching its way through the Steam Charts. It’s a terrifying sight to behold. Each game it bites falls dead to the ground, and then rises up as another entry for Resident Evil 2. Last week two slots. This week four. Next week it seems pretty certain all the games will be Resident Evil 2. THEN ALL OF THE GAMES IN THE WORLD.

Also, look at that screenshot. That’s not OK! You can’t just go putting a picture like that on a popular gaming website that CHILDREN might read? “god” should be capitalised for Heaven’s sake.

The Steam Charts are compiled via Steam’s internal charts of the highest grossing games on Steam over the previous week.

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