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Ritual Of The Moon diary: day nine

"They don't control how I feel"

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Marty The Moon Witch’s thoughts today feel like, once again, Large Emotional States for me. Today she seems to be accepting her exile, or at least muttering to herself over and over again that she totally doesn’t mind being alone. Her ritual mantra, “They don’t control how I feel” sounds a bit like she’s trying to convince herself again.

TMI once again, but I’m about three days out from starting my period. I am exhausted, and in the phase of emotional disruption where everything is very frustrating. You know how one day you might drop your dinner on the floor it’s like “Haha, what a mess, can’t believe I was so clumsy!” and you and your housemates laugh and laugh like you’re on an episode of a Disney kids show? But on another day you drop your pen on the floor an it’s just the last frustrating in a long line of frustrations and you can’t believe you dropped the pen, and it makes you really angry and/or upset?

That is what everything that happens to me feels like right now. Yesterday I was playing a run-or-die section in a game and kept getting the timing wrong and it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. But I keep a lid on it, because that’s what you do, innit. This is just life every month, for the next foreseeable stretch of my life, until it is replaced by something that is somehow worse and euphemistically called The Change. This is why I throw my head back and laugh at the concept of e.g. ‘soy boys’. It is clear that only the strong can handle estrogen.

This is all despite the fact that in theory, because I’m on the pill, I’m getting a pretty even dose of hormones throughout the month. Theoretically being on the pill means you should experience less PMS (although there’s no way to predict it).

They don’t control how I feel, Marty, but I’m not entirely sure we do either.

Today’s ritual drawing is just an arrow, because I don’t have the energy to colour outside the lines today.

Ritual Of The Moon is available from Steam now.

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Alice Bell

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