Matt: This is it. The final blog down. Square Enix are about to tell us about what they’re up to, and we’ve both reported to our liveblogging stations for the very last time. Both Cheerer and Jeerer have one more opportunity to don their respective masks of love and loathing, but who will take up each mantle?
Actually, forget I asked. Jetlag has snuck up on us both and filled our hearts with jeer, but I’m the one writing this intro so I get to bagsy it. Plus it’s my turn anyway. Nuh-nuh.
Matt: We’ve still half an hour before the show starts. Brendy is making his way to the hall, while I’m tucked up in the hotel room again because I forgot to ask Squeenix if I could come. I’m very jealous of all the atmosphere he’s about to lap up and not at all glad that I now get to do this while lying down in bed.
Wait, surely it’s not pronounced “eh-nix”? Did the announcer just get it wrong or do I need to retire in disgrace?
Brendan: Woooo. I’m out here in the sunny Belasco theatre, typing with a single hand! Do you know why, Jeery Matt?
Matt: Why, Cheery B?
Brendan: It’s because I have an ice cold cola in the other hand, courtesy of my generous hosts, Square Enix, or Squeenix as we friends of the company call them, ha ha. They have also given me a medicine cup full of assorted nuts.
Matt: This is ridiculous. I want nuts. But also I’m concerned this will impair your objectively cheery assessment of the videogames you’re about to see.
Brendan: I’m shocked you would think so little of me. My integrity is unparalleled. Look, they’re starting!
The crowd is electrified Matthew. The cameramen are literally crushing me to one side to take better footage. It’s an incredible atmosphere. My eardrums have already been rendered inoperable, and I do not mind. This cola is delicious.
Matt: I feel for you greatly. I presume these people with oversized swords are familiar to you?
Brendan: If you have to ask, Matt, you don’t deserve to know. They’ve just said that the Final Fantasy VII remake will take up two Blu-ray discs, which is not as many discs as the original. And yet my hopes are not diminished.
Matt: Why would people whoop that! That means NOTHING!
Brendan: Please excuse me, I’ve barely touched my peanuts.
Matt: You sicken me.
Brendan: To explain “Let’s mosey” – the catchphrase just used by our handsome onstage presenter – I refer you to the hours-long videos of Tim Rogers on Kotaku, which elaborates on the English translation of the original game.
Matt: Is any of this new? I did briefly have a go on the Fantasy with the cars and the boys, and vaguely remember freezing time and using abilities exactly like this.
Brendan: It is very Final Fantasy Carboys, yes. And yes, this was a sorta known thing. The details they are giving now are very itty bitty and– oh! They are fighting the big machine! The big machine! Don’t you remember, Matt? THE BIG MACHINE.
Matt: They seem to be fighting the big machine in much the same way as they fought the little non-machines. This looks exactly like the car boy combat I bounced off of, bits or nah.
Brendan: Your lack of appreciation is offensive. Square Enix are expert craftsmen, and thoughtful hosts.
Matt: I love the smell of corruption in the morning, as my brain currently believes it to be.
Brendan: If this is capture, I don’t wanna be free [slurps ice].
Matt: Why is this dumb robo-crab-scorpion not dead yet.
Brendan: He’s dead now, relax friend. And now the crew behind the original game of 1997 are getting back together live on stage. The whole gang. Two of the whole gang. You’re very quiet. What’s the matter, Cloud got your jeer? I understand. It’s a very exciting time to be a neutral journalistic observer.
Matt: I don’t understand what I’m looking at enough to jeer at it. Which Fantasy are we on now?
Brendan: Still number 7. The second time. Look, it’s quite simple, all you need to know is– please excuse me there is a lot of whooping in the room. They just showed Remake Tifa for the first time.
Matt: People sure are excited about this awkward bar conversation. Oh look, at least now they’re fighting ageing mutant ninja turtles.
Brendan: That’s all for the Final Fantasy VII clan, of which I have always been a member. Now they’re showing off a bit of Life Is Strange 2, which is a powerful game of emotional faceslaps but also a game about a superbly constructed ventriloquist dummy with superpowers. Expert craftsmen at Dontnod too, you know.
Matt: This trailer seems to be celebrating on the nose YouTuber reactions. The best kind of reactions. Exactly what you want in the middle of your wholesome brotherly bonding.
Brendan: That’s very cynical. I hope you’re not implying some of those streamers were in anyway sponsored or paid for their content [munches peanut].
Matt: Gross. Anyway, that was Octopath Traveler, a JRPG that Katharine quite likes and I will never ever have the time for. Now they’re onto another JRPG I’ve already forgotten the name of.
Brendan: The Last Remnant Remastered, which they have just decided is going to be on Switch tonight. We don’t care about that, however, because we’re not allowed. But I like these little picture frame sequences between the trailers. It’s oddly pleasing. Like a good TV channel ident.
Matt: This man who’s now talking about some building game sounds like a game show host who’s been told his family are going to be executed unless he sounds inhumanly enthusiastic.
Brendan: It’s Dragon Quest Builders 2. He has just introduced a character from that series as “an aggressive amnesiac with a fondness for fighting foes”. And that’s great. “Aggressive amnesiac” is what I would like on my gravestone. Another sublime contortion of the English language from the publisher that brought you the finest line in Final Fantasy XV: “What does a lowly ephemeral speck know of all creation?”
Matt: Speaking of lowly ephemeral specks, have you finished your nuts yet?
Brendan: They’re savoury. I’m savouring them. I don’t know why though, there are dozens more medicine cups full of nuts in the other room. They said I can take as many as I like. Isn’t that COOL?
Matt: Even cooler than Batallion 1944, the WW2 shooter with guns that sound like they’re firing soft mints?
Brendan: It’s a game for you. It’s about guns and soldiers. There’s not a physics-defying haircut in sight. You’ll love it. The PR guys here told me it’s good. OK they didn’t. But they probably would!
Matt: I wouldn’t put it past them. Ah good, back to haircuts and swords.
Brendan: The Final Fantasy XIV Online director is on stage now, Yoshida. Or Yoshi P as we pals of him say. I once asked him an embarrassing question at a fan festival in Las Vegas and a large chunk of the game’s fanbase dog-piled on me on Twitter for a full two days. But listen, that’s all in the past. I have mixed nuts now.
Matt: I can hear the cult of Yoshi P from here. Did he just describe gundancing as a job? Screw this journo lark, I’m off to uzi-ballet. Wait, why is someone from the west country now telling me about demons?
Brendan: It is nothing you haven’t already seen in Lord of the Rings. Be reasonable, Jeerer. Let the west country have their online heroes.
Matt: Lord of the Rings doesn’t go on endlessly about ether. And none of the elves have stupid bunny ears.
Brendan: I wish you would be more respectful of the Viera. They are a wise species. Can you at least take a moment to appreciate the costume design in this game? Look at these trendy, trendy people. This is high fashion. No. This is art.
Matt: These are people with stupid bunny ears.
Brendan: You’re jealous.
Matt: A little.
Brendan: Look, Dying Light. And a vague release date of Spring 2020. I’m not sure if we knew that before or not, but I’m ready to be whhh– ahem… ready to be excited about whhhh– excuse me. I must have a bit of a tickle in my throat, ha ha. Nothing to worry about.
Matt: What, is even the Cheerer not excited about Romancing Salsa 3?
Brendan: No, it’s not that. Ha ha. Don’t worry. I just have some scratchiness in my throat. It’s fine. Carry on.
Matt: Uh huuuuh. Okay. They’re talking about another sodding Fanta–
Brendan: WHHHOOOO oh my god, please excuse me, Matt. I’m sorry. I must have eaten a bad nut.
Matt: They’re all bad nuts, Brendy. Bad Bre–
Brendan: WH-WH-WH-WHOOOO oh jesus. Excuse me. I’ll get a paracetemol as soon as I can. The show is continuing. I think this next thing they’re showing might be Outriders? Yes, it is. A new cool shooter for cool people who… who… whhhhooooooWWWOOOOOOOOO oh man I don’t feel so hot. Ha ha. It’s odd. All these whoops. This never happens to me, I’m so sorry.
Matt: As if the corruption nuts weren’t enough, the man on stage from Bulletstorm studio People Can Fly is now repeatedly demanding people make supportey noises. The same people who earlier whooped the fact that one of the Fantasies was coming out on two blu-ray disks.
Brendan: You are too young. You will never understand the thrill of a screen that says “please insert disc two”. It’s okay. You have your Doters and your Mordwhats. Let us Squeenos have our WOOOOO, excuse me, have our discs.
Matt: You’ve got disk two fever.
Brendan: Anyway, Outriders might be neat. Although I admit we know very little about it. That might change. I am scheduled to see an “unannounced game” with some close personal friends of mine at Square Enix later in the week. And with any WOOO, ahem, with any luck, it will be a closer look at Outriders.
Brendan: OHHHH WELL WHAT IS THIS.
Matt: It’s more choral singing. It’s another god damn Fantasy, but ancient-looking.
Brendan: It’s only the undisputed number one, the best, most finalest Final Fantasy of them all, according to our official rankings. Final Fantasy VIII Remastered, coming to Steam and Switch.
Matt: Well thank god they didn’t labour that, now there’s a plane. A non-Fantasy-looking plane. Hey, that metallic gentleman looks familiar.
Brendan: It’s the new Marvel Avengers game we’ve heard rumblings about. The room has filled with confetti and I just coughed up a tiny keyring of Tony Stark. A party popper went off. The room is full of beautiful litter. Everyone is coughing up keyrings. Matthew this is wonderful [tears in eyes] this is wonderful.
Matt: What on earth did they put in those nuts. That trailer told me absolutely nothing other than that you can play as different Avengers.
Brendan: I thought you liked superheroes? I thought their superpowers and dilemmas made you drool with philosophical possibility. The thought experiments you could do with this videogame Matt! You get to play as Captain America! This is good stuff for comics fans.
Matt: Superheroes aren’t about philosophy, they’re about punching goons and saying stupid things like ‘no man gets left behind’, even when the entire universe is at stake. I did enjoy that bait and switch with the knock-off Avenger impersonators, including an inevitably Nolan Northy Iron Man.
Brendan: I will not pretend to know as much about the Avengerverse as I do about the FinalFantasyVIIIverse, but I do respect how much people adore these silly new gods of ours. I would like the next Marvel videogame to be done by the people who made that recent Spiderman cartoon. Or the Thor Ragnarock people. Those are the best ones.
Matt: That shrunk down spider tank in this trailer was admittedly cute. But then Antman spoiled it by coming right out and commenting on how cute it was. Show, Squeenix! Don’t Ant-tell! Oh, it’s over. That was abrupt.
Brendan: Aw, that’s it!? The show is over? I am unsated. Where are my nuts. I need more WOOO, I need more nuts.
Matt: You should ask them if they have any Kool-aid you can drink.
Brendan: That’s a good idea. I’ll go ask Yoshi P in a second. But first, I would just like to give a big shout out to our readers. Because this is our last Cheerer and Jeerer liveblog. Can we get a big exclamation of excitement for our fans, Matt? How about it? One, two, three: wwwwwwwWWWWOOOOOOOO–
Matt: I think you need your stomach pumped. But yes, thank you, Leerers. These have been fun. I’m going to have a nap.
Brendan: Good night, everyone! What a time to be alive.
Note: This is now over, and the bloggers have cheered and jeered their last. You can find the rest of the liveblogs over here.
See our E3 2019 for the rest of our coverage from the show, including all the news of the conference collected by Alice O.