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Watch Dogs Legion: how to talk like a fackin future fackin cockney

My old man's a baseball, he wears a baseball cap

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LAHNDAHN. The Grand Canary. Beelzebub’s Toothpick. Queen Lizzie’s Pisspot. The Grey Sneeze. Captain Concrete. Poundland Prime. Pintmageddon. The Bad Onion. Johnson’s Jungle. Hard Mode Paris. Disneyland Extreme. Fumes-on-Thames. Four Weddings and a Dog Fight. Sir Rentalot. Pigeon Purgatory. The Big Piss. The Big Vape. The Big Snort. Barbara Windsor’s Local. No Elephants, Some Castles. Canary Wharfare.

Whatever you call it, we call it FACKED.

This city’s proper moths, and if you’re gurna last a day here without getting absolutely dannied, you’re gurna have to absorb plenty of the old pie n’ eels sharpish, ain’t yer? Luckily, we’ve prepared this handy little Bonnie & Clyde (guide) to help you learn the bins and shouts (ins and outs) of futuristic cockney patter. So dive in, wise up, and fill yer gurning brutes (boots) with words. Oh, and don’t go forgetting your cumberland and getting yourself Englished by a crew of Ronalds down at the Shark Pit, yeah?

Watch Dogs Legion: a tourist’s guide to the vernacular of future London

A nice glug of Fruitopia – Non-political post-brexit dystopia.

“Fackin ‘ell Charlie, I need a bladdy glug o’ the old fruits, pronto. And go easy on the politics, will yer? No need to ‘ave a fackin think, is there.”

Eccles Cake – Police state.

“Welcome to the resistance, you fackin cahnt. Now get out there on the old Uber Eats (streets) and stick it to the bloomin’ Eccles.”

The Old Pie ‘n’ Eels – Data.

“Get on that fackin terminal, you daft muppet, and download as much of the old pie ‘n’ eels as you fackin can.”

Electric Eel – Taser.

“Hotbox the ravens, geez, that nana’s only packing a bleedin’ eel!”

My Old Man’s an Eel Salesman – High calibre assault weapon. (Also known as a ‘Gary’ -> Oldman -> ‘my old man’ etc)

“Right then you prick, grab yourself a Gary and go wreck a pint of yop (cop)”

Jellied eels – Ludo-narrative dissonance.

“Hold up Kim, I need a breather – that cutscene’s given me a bad case of the jellies”

Moths – Fluttery Bugs -> Utterly Fucked.

“You won’t get twenty yards in that stolen taxi mate, it’s proper moths!”

Dustman’s Groan – Drone.

“Bleedin’ Nora, the air’s fulla dustman’s groans today. Whirly cahnts.”

Leggy Dustman – Little spider robot.

“We’ll never get into that cop shop, it’s crawling with naughty geezers!”
“Don’t you worry, my little tin of beans, I’ve got this ‘ere leggy dustman to sort them right aht”

The Cockney’s Cure-all – Satirical mural.

“You coming out to smash the cakes tonight, chief?”
“Nah mate, got a half-dozen cure-alls to paint on this shitty bit of fence first, ainneye?”

Mitchells – Large, round-headed pub men.

“Don’t go down stubsbrooke street my old mucker, it’s swarming with fackin Mitchells.”

Rowdy Ronalds – Heavily-armoured fascist mercenaries.

“The fackin state of him, mate. Looks like he just went ten rounds with a squad of Rowdy Ronalds.”

Mushy Peas – Free DLC.

“Ain’t you got any other hats you can put on, you cheap cahnt? ‘ere, take this cup of mushy peas”

Mushy Peas, Extra Cheese Please, Geeze – Premium DLC.

“Can’t I ‘ave that lavvly hat you’re wearing?”
“I should fackin cocoa, you rotten ant. I paid good money for these Mushy Peas, Extra Cheese Please, Geeze.”

Full English Breakfast – Cool move where you kick someone in the back of the knee then make them shoot themselves in the bum with their own gun.

“Go on Sandra, sneak in round the ham and cheese snack (back) and serve ’em a full English”

Bollocksed up the Breakfast – Phrase used to express your disappointment when you realise said move was fabricated for the purposes of the presentation.

“What the fack do you call that Kenneth? You just fackin decked him. You’ve gone and bollocksed up the breakfast!”

Flappy Michaels – Union Jack flags.

“If there’s one thing to know about Lahndhan tahn, it’s that every street’s awash in Flappy Michaels”

Cumberland Sausage – Big mask of a pig smoking a cigar that you wear to protect your identity.

“Oi! You there with the Cumberland! Gerroverere and submit to a fackin stawberry flan (scan)”

A Danny – A dead person (ie, a Danny Die-er.).

“He’s ‘ad a fackin Danny!”, “‘alf the squad’s proper fackin’ danned up.”

Permadannied – Permadead.

“What ‘appened to punchy Dean?”
“Permadannied, you soppy cahnt. We’re gurna need a new baked beans expert”

Primrose Hill – Weed laced with fentanyl.

“You gorrany Primrose mate, I’m FAHKIN GAGGIN for it.”

Thinky Beezer – Conscious artificial intelligence. 

“Cor, who’s that cahnt on the radio? Sounds like a fackin tin newsreader.”
“Nah mate, he’s a fackin’ thinky beezer innit, got wires for a noggin.”

Shiny Shark Pit – Camden Market.

“Piss, I’m out of hare and hounds (rounds) for my salesman”
“You wanna get yerself down the sharky, swiftish”

My Nan – Literally just my Nan mate. Something funny about that?

“My nan’s got a shooter”

“Bulldog’s knackers” – Computer Hacker.

“Nip down Oxford street and gerrus a new bulldog, would yer? Sonya’s permadannied.”

Ian Beale – Any character who lasts the length of the campaign without getting killed off, often met with the reaction ‘what, he’s still here?’

“Kenneth’s a bladdy Beale? I don’t believe yer, thought he’d copped a Full English back at the Sharky”

Crown Jewels – Premium Loot Box.

“Stop fackin around and get yerself some crownies – you’ll never get yerself a proper cumberland just with mushies”

Tasteful Slap – Iconic baseball cap.

“Don’t fack around with Big Percy, he’s gorrimself a slap”

Right, that’s all there is. Worreryer still doing ‘ere for, you SLAAAHG? You on Primrose or summin? I’ve fished leggys out the Thames with more sense than you. So piss off and give the Ronalds a taste of your Oldman, before I feed yer to the Mitchells.

See our E3 2019 tag for more news, previews, opinions, and increasingly surreal liveblogs.

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The all-seeing eye of Rock, Paper, Shotgun, the voice of many-as-one.

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