Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order is out today, letting you follow in the roguish bootprints of young force punter Cal Kestis, played here by Archie of Archie comics. In celebration of his boyish padawan appearance, and the way he uses a deadly weapon like you’d use a torch app with dodgy permissions to find your keys, let’s make a list. A list of the least qualified Jedi (and Sith) in PC games.
Kyle Katarn – Star Wars Jedi Knight
Noted laserist and disloyal beard-haver Kyle Katarn was a gifted Imperial Officer with a promising career as a facsist ahead of him. Then he went full Snowden. In the Jedi Knight games he has abandoned the Empire and becomes a Force user through nothing more than level-up graft. But he is not a Jedi, for that you need training and expensive tuition fees. Look, even he admits it. “I’m no Jedi,” he says at one point, channelling a sort of jaded intergalactic detective from a movie made in the space forties. “I’m just a guy with a lightsaber and a few questions.”
Jedi Qualifications: Holds an online degree from the School Of Force Adjacent Studies, Utah.
Clone Boy – Star Wars: The Force Unleashed 2
In The Force Unleashed, Starkiller is a furious skinhead who crushes spaceships like empty cans of Dr Pepper while battering stormtroopers in a God Of War-style action game. He is a very qualified Forceboi. But the hero of this box-flinging sequel is not Starkiller. He is Clone Boy, a clone of Starkiller. He did nothing to earn the power of remote asphyxiation. He put in none of the work for electric fingers, and he still came away with all the abilities of his forebear. He is the Lance Armstrong of Star Wars. Take his jackets.
Jedi Qualifications: A suspiciously high grade in GCSE Sith Religion.
Qui-Gon Jinn – Star Wars Episode I – The Phantom Menace
The Qui is short for “Quite A Bad Jedi”. Master Qui-Gon may have a very particular set of skills in the 1999 prequel movie, but this poor tie-in action game saw him bumbling around the sandy city of Mos Espa, handing out Juri Juice to some lads in the local bar, like a desperate dad tagging along on a stag party. It is all part of an endless gauntlet of opaque fetch quests, far beyond his psychic ken. Go home, Qui-Gon. You were only invited out of obligation.
Jedi Qualifications: Has read one ebook on Medichlorians and can’t stop forcesplaining it at dinner parties.
General Grievous – Star Wars Battlefront 2
Grievous is not a Jedi or a Sith, he’s a coughing tin opener with four lightsabers. He smokes two packs a day and scuttles along the ground like a spluttering centipede. In Battlefront 2 he’s an unlockable hero who takes sweeping lunges forward and glitches all over the place when you try to do his special spider walk move. He does not know what the Force is, he has only heard jokes about it on podcasts. He laughs at the jokes because his housemates overhear the jokes, and they start laughing, so he laughs too. But he doesn’t get it.
Jedi Qualifications: Twitter bio reads: “Confederate, Lightsaber user, Atheist”.
Volryder – Star Wars: The Old Republic
You don’t remember Master Volryder, because he has the presence of a wet loaf. This minor character in BioWare’s MMO is bad at his job. He is charged with protecting two older folks, the parents of a Jedi you’re chasing down as part of the Sith storyline. But he lets you, a renowned murderer, have a chinwag with your targets, and then he stands around as the two old folk hum and haw through trite dialogue about blah blah blah. You don’t care, you’ve already hoofed “Master” Volryder aside and tele-snapped the necks of his geriatric paymasters by the time he picks himself off the ground. This bodyguard has the Force sensitivity of that tarot card reader your auntie keeps telling you to go see, and I’m glad he’s dead.
Jedi Qualifications: Daddy is CEO of a company that makes lightsabers.
Darth Maul – Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3
Maul, get down from there, you’re a Sith, not a skateboarder. Why did you think you could do this? You’re going to break your horns. Put on kneepads, for heaven’s sake. At least turn off that ridiculous lightsaber while you nollie that gap. Jesus, you’re going to hurt yourself. We need you in good shape to kill Liam Neeson and inexplicably appear in bad Disney spin-offs. Maul, are you listening to me? MAUL!
Jedi Qualifications: Strong with the dark slide but still Maul grabs.
Luke Skywalker – Star Wars: Yoda Stories
Luke “Massacre” Skywalker was responsible for hundreds of thousands of deaths when he blew up the Death Star in what can only be described as a counter war crime. But when he lands on the swamp world of Degobah looking for little green men in this 1997 desktop game, all he’s good for is finding keycards and bits of old robot. He blips across crude tileset levels, waggling his lightsaber with the awkwardness of a teenage cinema usher gesturing their light baton at row P. He is a menial worker once again, fetching trinkets and pestering Jawas who talk with the speech bubble voice of Clippy the office assistant. Is this the behaviour of a Jedi? For the purposes of this list, no, it isn’t.
Jedi Qualifications: 200 metre swimming certificate from a washed-up Gungan.
Yes, you. In the backstory of this world-hopping RPG, you joined the Jedi Order because you thought it would be a laugh. But as it turns out it’s mostly about sitting on the floor doing magic yoga. You were fuming. So you decided to go fight in a war, which is against the rules. Then you lost. After that embarrassment, you were taken on a pan-galactic goose chase by an old woman with scary eyeballs and you did not even stop to consider she might be a bad one. Turn in your lightsaber and leave your frock with the cleaners. You’re not good at this.
Jedi Qualifications: Wrote “Jedi” on the official government census form.
How One Off The List works:
It’s not just a wanking joke. Is there a Jedi or Sith on this list who does not deserve the ignominy of being lampooned? Maybe you think Qui-Gon is perfectly qualified? Please say so, and give your reasons. In next week’s article we will choose one based on your reactions and restore their reputation by striking them “off the list”. See?