All good things must come to an end. Fortunately for our souls, this maxim also applies to the adventures of disgusting Cowboys. After beasting herons, strangling cops, and drowning in swamps during what became the very darkest segment of the RPS Christmas livestream, it was finally time to hang up my snake-wrecking boots, drink my last tin of poorly-preserved, lukewarm peaches, and log out of Red Dead Redemption 2.
But before that, a change of pace. I can’t help but feel that, after the sinus-bursting, turtle-stabbing atrocities of the last two episodes of Rowdy Pardner, you have deserved a little respite at the end of your journey. And so, in this last of our series of three short documentary films, we’re going to focus our hearts not on the business of fists, but on the matters of the mind. So put on your learnin’ chaps, load your sixshooter with thought-slugs, and let’s mosey on down to the education saloon – for it is time to reveal some True Cowboy Facts. If you are lucky, you may even experience the Cowboy looking directly through your screen and speaking them to you.
Of course, learning means nothing without the thrill of competition. And so, after revealing a box rammed with all manner of Red Dead merch to those watching the stream, I issued a challenge: whosoever could provide me with the truest cowboy fact over the course of an hour, would win every item of owl-grease-encrusted, wolf-blood-speckled tat in the box. Not only that, but they would be treated to a special reward I had been hiding up my sleeve the whole time.
Because, you see, while I would act as the gatekeeper for which facts were true and which were false, it was not me who would judge the winner. Oh no. After a special deal I made months previously with Rockstar Games (I was introduced to them by my uncle at Nintendo), the famously laid-back studio had agreed to patch in a hidden feature to our specific build of the game. Once I had relayed all of the true facts to him, the Cowboy himself would judge which one held most veracity, and speak directly through the television screen to congratulate the winner.
Matthew and Dave refused to believe my agreement with Rockstar was real. But as the True Cowboy Facts began to roll in, anything began to seem possible. Would my doubting colleagues be proved right? Or would the stream conclude with a moment of pure videogames magic? You will have to watch to find out:
So there you have it!
Once again, enormous thanks to Mark, who edited this video, and excised all the dull parts where I was just aimlessly trying to escape Saint Denis. If you enjoyed Rowdy Pardner, I’d strongly recommend you check out its spiritual predecessor, in these videos we made when RDR2 first came out.
Finally, if you’ve enjoyed the series, or you want to ensure you can never again be seen by the Cowboy, it’s not too late to donate to the livestream’s JustGiving page, which is still live. Donate £5 or more and let me know in the comments, and I will arrange for the Cowboy to climb physically from your monitor or phone screen and tell you a fact. Or I will reply to your comment on his behalf. One or the other.