I don’t know what’s happened further down the timeline, but it would appear that the terrifying Acer Thronos mega chair has been overthrown by a new gaming overlord: the gaming bed. Conceived in Japan by gaming desk maker Bauhutte, this cursed concoction is actually a Power Rangers-style amalgamation of all their gaming furniture combined. Only instead of transforming into a mighty-morphin’ humanity-saving mech suit, it’s a mighty-morphin’ gaming prison designed to bombard us with more #content than we could ever possibly consume. The only thing it’s missing is a built-in bog hole.
Dystopian dread aside, thanks to the ever reliable services of Google Translate, Bauhutte’s description of their gaming bed does, at least, make for some entertaining reading.
“I wake up and move from my bed to my desk. Why is that so complicated? Gaming beds solve this problem. Elevated headboard that adds functional storage to the bedside and Bed desk that can be set at the foot of a single bed. As soon as you get up, you can watch a game or animation and realize a life cycle of falling asleep without difficulty. [Additional effect: space merit] By integrating a large furniture two-top, bed and desk, the room can be used widely.”
I do love a bit of space merit, oh yes.
Mind you, that’s just the description for the “standard” gaming bed, which comprises of the bed, headboard with additional phone grip lamp thing, and the desk at the end. The “ultimate” gaming bed, pictured up the top there, adds an “energy wagon” (presumably for your infinite supply of Red Bull and Monster cans), a “slim bottle rack” (in case you fancy a sip of water in between, I’m guessing) and a “long side table” to store your keyboard and other peripherals. All for the small sum of 126,300¥, or £915 / $1170. The standard bed, meanwhile, will set you back just 63,750¥, which equates to £462 / $590.
I think the thing that creeps me out the most isn’t so much the fact it’s been designed to hold ludicrous number of drinks and snacks. It’s that horrifying phone arm by your pillow. Like Thronos’ clearly sentient keyboard tray that will blatantly lock you into place the moment you sit down, the Bauhutte phone thing reminds me of that episode of Black Mirror where everyone’s trapped in tiny apartments with walls made out of TV screens.
I can just see it now – the phone itself would be locked and perpetually turned on (the arm, of course, providing it with its own constant power source), and you’d have no choice but to watch 24-hour streams of the world’s most hateful internet personalities. They’d be do Let’s Plays of games you hate, screeching at the top of their voices, and you’d have to sit through. EVERY. SINGLE. YOUTUBE AD without fail. It would be actual hell on earth, and even your giant gaming sofa cushion wouldn’t be able to drown out the noise from it all.
There’s still hope, however, in the form of Bauhutte’s gaming cycle. Oh yes, my friend, they’ve also made a gaming desk that doubles up as an exercise bike. Designed to promote “gamer health”, I’m hoping this mighty gaming cycle will be humanity’s true saviour in this obviously cursed timeline, because at least this one doesn’t look like it will pen you in for a lifetime of gaming servitude. Plus, its product description has all the makings of a true superhero origin story (or at least it does according to Google Translate).
“Cycling Gaming” is a very reasonable idea. A race of gamers who live with lack of exercise and back to back. Playing while pedalling will solve this problem. Think about it, FPS or RPG, players are always “moving around”. You’re a true gamer if you put yourself in the same state as a player.
Please save us, Cycling Gaming. You’re our only hope in these desperate times.