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Spank a Bishop in new Renaissance adventure The Procession To Calvary

The Procession To Calvary is now out, allowing you to muck you way through Renaissance artwork with the irreverence that I learned to appreciate as a Monty Python-loving teen. It’s a point and click ’em up “spiritual sequel” to Four Last Things which was also a silly classic paintings romp.

“The tyrant Heavenly Peter has escaped your clutches, and you have been tasked with the mission of finding him,” according to Procession.

“You will steal a ship, feed a donkey, compete in a talent contest, assist an inept street magician, sing, dance, play the (magic?) flute, poke a man’s face, hunt for treasure and have a chat with Our Lord God Almighty… But will you find Heavenly Peter? And if you do, how will you take your revenge!?”

Your pointing and clicking is assisted by what it calls a “verb coin” system, which you can see in the trailer. Instead of guessing what sorts of things you might be able to do, clicking on stuff reveals possible actions to perform. Poke a sleeping guy’s face. Slash off the skirts of a suspiciously tall lady. Spank a Bishop, apparently, as betrayed by the achievements on Procession’s Steam page. As one does, and all.

You can also murder folks, though you’re warned against it. “Murdering anyone who stands in your way will serve as a useful method of skipping any puzzles you don’t like. But be warned; your actions might come back to haunt you.”

It all sounds quite silly, but just the kind of silly I prefer as a 13-year-old physical comedy appreciator stuck in an adult body. “Gags about butts are taken very seriously,” Procession says. Good, as they should be.

You can find The Procession To Calvary over on Steam where it’s currently 10% off until April 16th. It’s normally priced at £8/€9/$10.

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Lauren Morton


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