[Warning: this article must be read entirely in a comedy cowboy voice]
Howdy pardner. Spittoon? Take it, we got a whole crate of them right here. Every god-fearing outlaw needs a good spittoon at their heels, as my grandmammy used to say. Hoo-wee, what a women. She was known to enjoy a strong snifter of list article, you know. Everyone who visited got a spittoon and a list article. And vidyagames be damned if I ain’t the same obliging sort as my grammy, yes sir. So here you go, friend. In anticipation of that there Desperados III, here are the 9 most desperate cowboys, cowgals, and cowbots in PC gaming. Yeehaw, I say, yee and haw.
Dutch Van Der Linde – Red Dead Redemption 2
Dutch is the leader of your gang in this, the reddest and deadest of redemptions. He runs his criminal enterprise like a big family, full of loving aunties, rascal nephews and what have you. There’s a kitty full of money right there middle of camp, full of contributions which you are continually expected to refrain from stealing. Man could say this camp feels like some sorta peace-and-love commune [spits]. If you ignore all the revolvers. But Dutch’s desperation, well, it’s that of a small fry cult leader. Dutch, you see, wants power and influence, and by the devil he is happy to find it in the misplaced trust of stragglers, misfits, and vidyagame players who think: well gosh, maybe this story will pick up around the 20 hour mark.
Ashe – Overwatch
She’s mean, she’s lean, she shoots you in the spleen, it’s Ashe from Saturday morning hero shootout Overwatch. This sneering, white-haired riflewoman is an enterprising outlaw, all told. She has the good sense to bring a giant robot to a gunfight, for one thing, and the even better sense to christen that robot “Bob”. But otherwise she’s small and easily murdered in a posse showdown, meaning she needs to avoid sneaky flanksmen. Which explains her back pocket move of desperation: a panicked blast from a novelty shotgun, so forceful it pushes her back and away from danger. Yes ma’am, she’s a very talented lady. I hate her.
Irvine Kinneas – Final Fantasy VIII
A reckless idyit. Irvine is a youngun’ who feels compelled by some unfathomable inner turbulence to dress in a duster coat, barn boots, and a fresh Stetson, even though he lives in another dimension where Clint Eastwood and country music do not exist. He is desperate in the sense of a fearful 17-year-old. Desperate for happy-go-lucky archetype and fellow idyit Selphie to look favourably on him with kindness. Nuh-uh. This boy had one job: to shoot a gun. And, well sir, he cannot even do that with soundness or reliability.
Revolver Ocelot – Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain
He’s pretty good.
Silas Greaves – Call of Juarez: Gunslinger
You know that acquaintance y’all have who tells stories? Stories that make you squint and go: hmmmm. Like about the time they went to a hootenanny and, would you believe it, H from Steps was there. And he, that’s H from Steps I mean, was a little rude to the host, so your acquaintance, for lack of a better term, gets into a ruckus with H from Steps, and kicks him out of the shindig, no word of a lie, it was H from gosh-darned Steps. Well, Silas Greaves, the main character from Call of Juarez: Gunslinger, is your acquaintance in this scenario. He spends this whole first-person shoot-de-doo telling tales wild with embellishment, about the time he duelled Jesse James, about the time he took down Old Man Clanton, or roughed up Billy the Kid, et cetera, et cetera. But y’all know it’s horse manure.
Cow boy – Black & White 2
A cow boy. This here is what you pretty city folk might call a tek-nee-cal-i-tee.
Dot McCrank – SteamWorld Dig 2
Now lookee here, Dot is desperate. Desperate for JUSTICE. Wait, I say justice? I meant jewels. Lower-case jewels. Indubitably, she adores ‘em, pretty much addicted to jewels. Robots and cowboys go well together, as we’ve been blessed to learn, and Dorothy, well, she’s the best of both worlds. She picks at the earth with fancy pneumatic tools and drills, searching for gemstones and her friend Rusty. She fires water bombs (bombs of water, sweet Jesus) at anything with teeth. Please, I suggest y’all learn to respect her.
Stranger – Oddworld: Stranger’s Wrath
Yup, don’t much care for Stranger the bounty hunter, the protagonist of this here shootin’ toot ’em up. Dag nabit, I’m an Abe man. This beardo weirdo has a crossbow, and he uses animals as bolts, for heaven’s sake. He is literally packing live ammunition. He’s got them spiders what webs up his enemies, some glowing beetles what deliver electric shocks, and on top of that there’s some kind of furry creature what resembles a screaming fuzzball I sure as hell know I seen some place before. Anyway, this is exactly the sort of devil-may-care attitude to ecology that our lord and saviour Abraham the Mudoken warned us against. This game, I’m tellin’ you, is Oddworld apocrypha, and by order of the list sheriff (that’s me) it shall be censored from all future list articles. Good day, sir.
You – Hunt: Showdown
Did you hear that, son? Quiet! Think it was a gun crack. South-west, in the swamps. Okay, stay low, we need that next clue. Well come on, what you lingrin’ for? Listen, I don’t care if you’re low on health, we’re all low on health, that’s the human condition. If you spent more time helping me put down infected hounds and less time yapping like a babby with a boo-boo, we coulda —
BANG BANG BANG BANG.
One Off The List from…
Last week we tried to avoid the abyssal horror of humanity’s ongoing collapse by listing the 10 sunniest getaways in PC games. But one of these holiday destinations was not tropical enough for y’all. It’s… in front of a star in Elite Dangerous.
“Because what discussion of sunny holidays would be complete without the irritating hipster who suggests somewhere more ‘authentic’,” says listfluencer “TheDyingAtheist”, who suggests a better star. “In this case, the Class-M Red Giant of FTL. You’re just not getting the real experience unless your shields are down and half the ship is on fire. And you’re busy posting it to your Instagram.”
Well said, friend. Last week’s comments were particularly good at suggesting alternative getaways. Karnaca from Dishonored 2, Greece of Assassin’s Creed Odyssey, Toussaint of the Witcher 3. Y’all did good, list pardners. Hoo-wee, am I tired of this here vernacular. Well, until next week, watch this space, cowboy.