Privately, with friends, I have referred to Assassin’s Creed Valhalla as Assassin’s Creed: Big Gay Blondes, which up until now was basically more cosmic ordering than it was based on any actual facts. However, having now had a three hour hands on with the game, I can confirm that on at least one occasion you can have drunk sex with a man, up against a wall at a wedding. And you can do it with both male and female Eivor.
In fairness, this might be the only instance of romance in the entire game, but it’d be pretty weird if it was. I do not, alas, have any confirmation of other people that you might be able to do the Norse naughty with, but given that you can switch between versions of Eivor whenever you’d like, it seems clear that anyone available for tender romancin’ will be susceptible to Eivor’s charms no matter what.
In practise it seems to work similarly to the optional shaggin’ in Assassin’s Creed Odyssey. A flirty conversation is initiated, and you have a few dialogue options, and can eventually choose yea or nay. Because the preview started a bit into the game, however, I can’t tell if Eivor had much of a preexisting relationship with the man in question, or had spent some time love-bombing him or completing fetch quests to make him fancy them.
The cut-to-black sex scene I saw was part of a larger series of wedding party games, and in its entirety was actually really funny. There was a serious cutscene wherein Eivor’s chosen King of East Anglia, Oswald, got married to Valdis, a giant woman with an undercut who is clearly better than him. And we all know it.
Eivor, there, delivering the most powerful neg a man has ever received on his wedding day.
But after the triumphant and serious cutscene of the wedding came the wedding party. Initially I thought this was going to be a boring and silly bit. You know weddings in games: you get some filler mini-games carved awkwardly out of existing systems, you maybe get some optional XP for winning, everyone goes home… well, not happy exactly. Everyone goes home meh. In this case, there was an archery competition run by a man called Brothir. Or possibly Broder. There were two similar men with similar names.
Eivor was properly shitfaced, though, so I had to do it all with the “I’m drunk” wobbly screen and controls, including a drinking contest with either Broder or Brothir.
But then, while Eivor was looking at the food and apparently contemplating eating an entire suckling pig, one of the lads came up again and started giving it the Viking come-on face, an expression matched only by Eivor’s Viking “I’m sorry what the fuck are you doing?” face.
After a bit of awkward back and forth, this lad came out with “Aye, aye. But I could show you how to wield my… plough-sword.” My Eivor took pity on him and was like “Are you saying you wanna bone?” and so the pair went about 20 meters away towards the river, hid behind a shoulder high wall, and decided there was the perfect place to go at it.
Like, the entire wedding party must have heard everything. As ways to upstage the bride and groom go, it’s probably worse than proposing to your own significant other after the cake cutting. What are you like, Eivor?
But the best bit was that immediately afterwards, the guy was going on about how it was amazing and bards will sing of it, or something like that, and then out of nowhere the game hit me with this dialogue option:
By the look on her face, Eivor, like me, was rattled but trying maintain her composure. Keep in mind that at this point I’d had two entire conversations with this man, agreed to make the beast with two backs in a very public place, and even read the subtitles of his dialogue that included his name. But the developers still knew that I wouldn’t have been paying any attention. You’ve just scrolled past a screenshot of him. Are you 100% certain if he’s Broder or Brothir?
Well played, whoever wrote that one. I look forward to more awkward encounters in the full game.