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Free Loaders: Not Safe For Work Or Your Mum's House

It is a truth universally acknowledged that the human penis is in want of a photographer. A fundamentally interesting organ, it is versatile, yet vulnerable. Undeniably ugly and yet, somehow, ugly in all the right ways. It is this humble male appendage which brings us all together this week. Suffice to say, do not read on if your boss is sitting next to you. Unless you work for a sex shop, or like, I don't know, a dildo factory.

Looking for more free games? Check out our round up of the best free PC games that you can download and play right now.

Cobra Club HD by Robert Yang

High-definition remaster of explicit penis photography sim. Incredibly NSFW, this sees you signing into an app where users share dick pics and chat to each other in glowing or disparaging tones about said dicks. Like many social media apps, you can customise your member details (hehe). And quite thoroughly too, from the filter on your camera to the intensity of your erection. More options become available if you keep chatting and snapping, unlocking girth options and brand new accessories, as well as pubic hair - features that were UNFORGIVABLY ABSENT when Pip last took a look at the non-HD version of the game. "Oh yes, penises," I hear you scoff. "But there's no point to it, is there?" Well, you're wrong. Let me tell you the point...

Actually, I won't tell you. You'll just have to find a quiet corner and make sure nobody can see your screen for about 10 or 15 minutes to find out. Happy snapping!

The Mother of the Bird Men by Jo99

Adventure game fit for the bird gods. From the artist who brought you The Queen of Snakes and The Earl Octopusor comes another colourful archeological point-and-click adventure. Get the things! Do the stuff! See the birds! It's all going on here among the astounding vistas of geometric colour. Can colour be "geometric"? I'm going to say yes. As usual, a lot of adventure game nonsense prevails, with plenty of confused search-clicking around the screen in an attempt to find an object or some path to a new scene. But this is partly because everything in these games looks important and symbolic - a testament to how much detail goes into drawing the swirly patterns of each twisting, curling stone. Just look at this stuff!

Put simply: everyone should know about the adventures of Miss Libellule. Exploring these games is like tomb-raiding your way through a giant Aztec kalaidoscope.

Tone Friends by x01010111

Bleep bloop music minigames featuring octopus drummers and sad, umbrella-wielding pianists. There are five tiny games to play here, ranging from simple freestye drumming to a match of micro-foosball. Music and sound is the focus of them all. There's a game where you have to match the waveform of human music to that of your abducting spaceship so that you can hoover up all the little people from the city below. Get it wrong and you'll accidentally demolish the buildings. And there's another where you have to guide a small man in the rain to some set piano chords, switching between major and minor keys with a flick of his soaking brolly.

But the star of the show is the game called "GARBAGEMAN". Here you have to grab little smiling shapes out of the sky and plop them into the boxes below you to create music. Each shape is a different note and the random grab to fill up the sound-platter somehow results in some adorable 'leccy beats, building in complexity and form the more you add. But garbage also falls from the sky in the shape of burgers and other junk, displacing your musical notes and adding a beat of silence instead. You can catch this garbage as it falls, but even if you don't it just results in the music evolving in a different way. A cracking wee compilation.

Zen and the Art of Transhumanism by Deconstructeam

Cyberpunk pottery and philosophising. As a practicing transhumanist you are planted into your new component workshop, where clients will slide in on a mechanical platter and regale you with their personal problems. You have to craft strange new cyberorgans for them to address their concerns, using only a weird pottery wheel and a selection of carving tools.

There's a databank full of patterns, each a different style of carving, affecting the human body in distinct ways. There are shapes that make you physically stronger, shapes that make you more sexually attractive and shapes that make you amazing at social media. Everything the human body needs. But when the same patients keep coming back to you for more, it might be time to ignore their wishes and break out some more obscure organs, like the one that eliminates any concern about human mortality whatsoever. That one's my favourite.

Royals by Asher Vollmer

Incy wincy peasant RPG. Your dream in life is to become the monarch of the land. But there are some problems. Firstly, there already is a royal in charge and secondly, you are slowly dying with every year that passes as a lowly serf. Thirdly, this game is an ancient relic of the past and "you have lost the manual". Still, you'll discover you can do quite a lot in this punishing little sim. You can build mines to collect wood, erect manors and taverns, plow the fields, enlist help, convert new followers to the cause, escape from the king's guards as they chase you across the map, go into meditative exile in the desert, spelunk through caves.

But each action also takes a year off your life, taking you one step further from your lordly ambition. Usually, your dream ends with your 47-year-old corpse found in a ditch in the countryside, beaten to death by some villagers who fought back against you and your three loyal men. I suppose this is why the game is described as an "optimistic" peasant simulator. If there is some way to become Royal in this game, I have yet to discover it.

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About the Author
Brendan Caldwell avatar

Brendan Caldwell

Former Features Editor

Brendan likes all types of games. To him there is wisdom in Crusader Kings 2, valour in Dark Souls, and tragicomedy in Nidhogg.