Free Loaders: I Want To Ride On My Bicycle
The week's best free games!
I’d like to ride on my biiiike! Oh, hello, you caught me singing Queen’s greatest hit, “Bicycle Riding”. You should check it out, it is the sound of this Halloween. I’m singing it because this game I found puts you on a bike and pits you against ferocious cyclists who can only be defeated if you kick them into the road barrier. It’s not cheating. If anyone is cheating, it’s probably the other cyclists. They’re all on drugs, probably. I bet they’re mad for the stuff. So don’t feel bad about kicking them, ha ha. That’s it, boot them into that pit, ha ha. I want to try that bicycle, I’d like to try riding your biiiike!
Looking for more free games? Check out our round up of the best free PC games that you can download and play right now.
Bikrash by Hisashimaru
I missed this last month and I should be shot to death for that. Race against computer bicycle people down a smooth road and try not to tumble off your bike in a massive pile-up. You can kick left or right to bash other cyclists flying across the road and into yet more of your competitors. It’s like a much more tranquil Motorstorm but ten times as funny. The road also has a few random pits to watch out for and even if you make it to the finish line you are going to be smashed up in a big heap of writhing ragdoll bodies just because the game says so. Every so often I come across a game on my trawls that has me forgetting to take sceenshots and just laughing like a madman. On these days, my neighbours become worried. It’s okay, I tell them later, from afar, at the foot of their driveway, I was just riding a bicycle earlier and laughing when I kicked the little men. My neighbours go into their homes. They do not reply.
Wormball by Alexvscoding
Pinball is dead, long live wormball. The worm is bouncing around the face of this ghoul, trying to eat as many bits of pimple residue as it can. Slap him back up into the ghoul’s face with the paddles and try to be the best at everything. Purple diamond-shaped spots burst into delicious worm snacks, and eyes shudder when the worm bounces off them. Red holes in the face allow the worm to travel through and go back to the forehead. Hit the space bar to shake the ghoul and cheat fate. It’s everything you love about pinball, except 100% more disgusting and with dancey music included.
Stick Match by Daniel Linssen
This two-player game is … re-stick-ulous! Ha ha ha no really I do not know what the goal is. You are a stick and your opponent is a stick. There’s a square hole in the centre of a rotating arena and your aim is either to get in the hole first or push your sticky opponent into it. I don’t know. Either way, it is not going to be easy. Both cuboids move like a drunk sausage. Up, down, left, right - none of it means anything anymore. It’s quite a difficult proposition but don’t worry, you’ll get there if you… stick with it! Ha ha ha ha ha (please email me if you know the purpose of this game)
La Ultima Entrega (The Final Delivery) by Morales Vargas Jeison Deivis
Hey, I know you. You’re the pizza delivery boy from hell. You’ve never failed to make a delivery and you aren’t about to stop now. Ride your scooter, chased by the bad dudes and shoot them with your pizza box uzi. Explode them and get them off your tail, while keeping an eye out in front of you for explosive traps. Don’t worry, the scooter will drive itself - you’re THAT good. This is a single setpiece of action gaming we have seen hundreds of times before, only this time you are in a skeleton costume, chased by other skeleton costume people, and you are gunning them down while listening to a very copyright-breaching track by Guns ‘n’ Roses. My favourite bit is when you explode (and you will explode) and the game’s buggy physics just keeps going, flinging your ragbone body all over the place as 'Welcome To The Jungle' blares and your enemies keep firing. Ludicrous, chaotic, funny.
Synth Rider by Alexander Birke
Hot pink time trial on a single racecourse. Drive fast and avoid crashing into crystals, leaving behind a trail of synth and coolness. The crystals will slow you down and make us all think less of you as a person. Go fast, feel the beat, conquer your fear of 80s colours and noise. I got 1 minute 9 seconds. But I went slow on purpose, so that you could feel good about beating me. If you get a better score, don’t @ me.
Hook, Line And Thinker by Connor Halford
The fishing jam cometh. This one is a puzzler about fishing in precisely the correct order. It introduces new rules and ideas with each level. Fish can’t pass through jellyfish tentacles without dying, for example, but their bones can tear them apart. Squids leave behind a cloud of ink that your hook can’t pass. Crabs can rip open weak “gates” of coral but for every one you catch your fishing line gets a little shorter. 10 levels of fishy puzzles. Mmmm, feels good on the brain, right? Feels good.