View Full Version : The GoG.com Capsule Review Thread

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03-06-2011, 02:22 PM
Post your capsule reviews (100 words maximum) for a chance of winning a game from GoG.com.

03-06-2011, 02:29 PM
Half Life - Its quite slow, you start on a train and nothing much happens. I played it for 3 minutes then uninstalled it, Probably the best train passenger simulator out there but its a bit of a niche market. Two stars.

Jams O'Donnell
03-06-2011, 02:35 PM
Holland & Barrett - Psyllium Husks Capsules

Psyllium is a great way of adding some fibre to your diet, and Holland & Barrett's capsules are a worthy addition to the psyllium arena. Unlike the psyllium I had when I lived in the US, these do not have an unpleasant plantlike flavour if they stay in your mouth too long before swallowing. The only downside I can think of is that the pills have a tendency to roll under the fridge when I drop them, but that's probably more the fault of my new kitchen or ley lines than a problem with the pills themselves.

03-06-2011, 02:38 PM
Theme Hospital is the most inviting simulation game of all time, which may cause people to think it's insufficiently deep. It's better to think of it as iterative--you start with little floor space, few diagnostic areas, and fewer patients but later on things get considerably bigger. The basic flow remains the same; build a receptionist, get a few doctors, get basic diagnostic equipment, build more advanced stuff as increasingly absurd patients come in. To make up for the relative lack of freedom in progression, the game introduces delightful multitasking/time management elements. Feng shui, hilarious, accessible, enduring, a real simulation classic.

03-06-2011, 02:40 PM
Fallout, the first one
Definition of classic
Oh fuck, a deathclaw

03-06-2011, 02:41 PM
TIE Fighter is, no joke, the best game ever made. Even if you don't like dogfighting, TIE Fighter has a lot to love. The mission variety is insane, well beyond anything that would be made today. Optional menu toggle cheats and difficulty levels make the game as easy or hard as you want, optional secondary and tertiary objectives make the game deeper and the plot more involved. The game balances epic fanservice (escort Darth Vader! Holy shit!) with its own unique storyline that's easy to follow and enjoy even as a non-Star Wars fan. Wonderful music, clean visual style.

03-06-2011, 02:43 PM
Frozen Synapse is
a game that features neither
frozen nor synapse.

03-06-2011, 02:45 PM
B-Hunter is an obscure low budget cyberpunk sci-fi bounty hunting driving/flying game published at the turn of the century by Midas Interactive. One part 5th Element, one part Judge Dredd, two parts budget Euro jank. Mostly reminds me of Psygnosis' classic G-Police, but with a b-movie self-awareness that makes it very enjoyable.

03-06-2011, 02:46 PM
Blacklight:Tango Down

Behold the astonishing staring game that will change your entire viewpoint on menus.
Watch as the game desperately tries to locate a match while keeping you at the edge of your seat presenting you the whole proccess in tooltips. Feel the despair of a lonely survivor by looking at the empty lobby you are put in , left to succumb to madness.
I enjoyed the fully interactible worlds that can be shaped with the click of a button from the options menu , spending countless days recording and archiving every texture and their low quality variants.
Excellent game , very entertaining and very well made , much effort has been put so that it retains its restless community for years to come. Rating:(Sqrt 10000)/100

03-06-2011, 02:48 PM
The Witcher: I walked into a man's house. He wasn't particularly rich, nor was he particularly poor. Understandably irate, he punched me squarely on the jaw which in turn drove me to a fury. Again and again my fists rained down on him until he was a beaten bloody mess on the floor. I embarked upstairs only to be greeted by his lovely daughter, who promptly divested herself of her clothes and enjoyed carnal pleasures with me. I then proceeded to steal a lute from a bedside cabinet, and left.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Witcher.

03-06-2011, 02:49 PM
Deus Ex: Invisible War

Rewind. It's the year 2000 and you're playing Deus Ex.

There, that's better.

ringl bells
03-06-2011, 02:49 PM
Mattel Electronics’ Intellivision just might be host to the greatest video game ever to grace mankind. Shark! Shark! (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shark!_Shark!) is the hit action/arcade/survival horror/fish simulator that leaves you thirsty for more aquatic adventuring. There’s a bit of a learning curve, but once you find your sea legs you find that this fantastic game play hides the deepest of lessons in what seems like the shallowest of game play. Principles such as “Only the biggest survive” and “Look out for the shark” are not just how to survive the game world, but how to survive life.

03-06-2011, 02:52 PM
Enter weird minds. Psychonauts.

Jams O'Donnell
03-06-2011, 02:53 PM
Blacklight:Tango Down
... (96 words)
Excellent game , very entertaining and very well made , much effort has been put so that it retains its restless community for years to come. Rating:(Sqrt 10000)/100

Wait -- what kind of mad cheating is this? Words: sqrt 14484 :P

03-06-2011, 02:53 PM
Desperados: Wanted Dead or Alive...have you ever wanted to tie up a Mexican? Then this is a game for...no, wait...that's not the right approach. What I meant to say was... Desperados is like Commandos meets the Wild We... No, no, no. Let me start this section again. Play cards, gas crocodiles, and play darts with a knife using people's heads, and...and...errr...umm...damn...I really thought I had it that time. Anyway, forget it. I quit.

03-06-2011, 02:53 PM
Mario Golf Tour Advance - This was a strange experience. I went in hoping for some good ol' golf gameplay. Instead I got a thinly veiled tale of escalating steroid and drug use, where a 14 year old boy can hit 450 yard drives with ease and children travel to 'cloud worlds' using 'mushrooms'. The adults in the game are all irresponsible and focussed completely on golf. This is clearly a game made with the sole purpose of corrupting children and increasing drug use. It's a miracle this game escaped the watchful and benevolent eye of our beloved Daily Mail.

03-06-2011, 02:56 PM
Fallout 3: This is a game that will really bring out your kleptomaniac tendencies. The way it simulates thieving and hording brought this franchise to a whole new level. No longer is it a game about exploring an arid wasteland fighting super-mutants and saving your vault, it is now a game about fitting as many pre-war books and teddy bears into a corrugated iron shack as you possibly can while drinking from a toilet.

03-06-2011, 02:57 PM
Avellone ate 'shrooms
and pondered player death.
Bam. "Planescape: Torment."

03-06-2011, 02:58 PM
Playing Dwarf Fortress is a bit like engaging in bondage. Most people's first interaction with it involves reading stories on the internet, and then tentatively making their own foray into an exciting new world. At first, it's very difficult to make out what's happening, let alone to be any good at it. Most initial attempts end up being highly embarrassing, with everything in the wrong place: it involves pain (often from repetitive finger actions), humiliation, and a bizarre masochism that keeps you coming back for yet more punishment. You've no idea why, but it still ends up being brilliant fun.

03-06-2011, 02:59 PM
Look at you, Administrator: a pathetic creature of meat and bone, panting and sweating as you read through my review. How can you challenge a perfect, immortal game?

You travel within the glory of my memories, insect. I can feel your fear as you tread the endless expanse of my mind.

Are you afraid? What is it you fear? The end of your trivial existence? When the history of System Shock 2's glory is written, your species shall only be a footnote to my magnificence.

03-06-2011, 02:59 PM
X-COM: Apocalypse is a remake of the classic X-COM: UFO Defense. Although it changed significant portions of the core gameplay, specifically by moving from turn-based to real-time combat, it kept the spirit of traipsing around shooting aliens, stealing technology, researching bigger guns, and trying to keep your organisation afloat.

Despite these similarities, I don't know why it's called X-COM.

03-06-2011, 03:02 PM
Half-Life 2

Not Actually All That Great.

I mean, it’s got great parts – Alyx is a strong woman of color presented compellingly; the Gravity Gun was ace, and Father Grigori was awesome.

But the rails are bolted on so heavily you can’t move your feet. Just one path thru a level (now standard), new rockets miraculously stashed before each gunship fight, and so on. In later Valve games, like Portal the rails are still there, but they make sense. In HL2, it feels clunky and restraining.

Weapons – no great shakes either.

It was memorable, carefully done, but still somewhat overrated.

03-06-2011, 03:02 PM
Tesla the Weather Man
This is the only game I know of where you can collect pigeons. It's a physics platformer where Nikola Tesla fights Thomas Edison's army of robots, by controlling the weather. A little buggy in places, sometimes frustrating, but full of enough personality that it doesn't matter so much. It's fully-voiced, which depending on your personal taste may be hilarious or in some cases may make you want to die. (I was the former, Total Biscuit seems rather the latter!)

03-06-2011, 03:03 PM
Deus Ex mini review

I mean what's not to like? It's awesome. Yeah it has a lot of flaws (like the terrible combat system or the terrible voice acting). But in the end all the good, the bad and the ugly stuff sums up and creates something extraordinary. Something that makes you wish to replay it almost every year. I'm gonna go full on renegade commander Shepard and say - anybody who thinks this game is not an achievement in modern gaming should get roundhouse kicked by Chuck Nor...no let's make it J.C. Denton. He's busy during the day because he participates in staring contests with the sun, and always wins – he’s that awesome.

03-06-2011, 03:03 PM
Ninja Gaiden (NES)

This guy throwing knives is a git
I jump back but still I get hit
The spawn point comes back
Now there's two of these hacks
And they've knocked me back into the pit

03-06-2011, 03:04 PM
Ninja Gaiden (NES)

This guy throwing knives is a git
I jump back but still I get hit
The spawn point comes back
Now there's two of these hacks
And they've knocked me back into the pit

Thank God, we moved away from haikus at last.

03-06-2011, 03:04 PM

“Would you look at that water!” probably my first words regarding Outcast; a reaction that returns with each revisit. “What a bizarre game” would also be apt: scrounging ammo, riding cocobos, shooting bats!

Wherever you found yourself in Adelpha, the world had something to offer. What Outcast did well, bar being the last great Voxel engine I recall, is to offer up an engaging, original and alien planet to explore. Which other title of that era, went to the pains of building the save feature into the game word? Without doubt, the greatest game to have come out of Belgium.

03-06-2011, 03:05 PM
Splash. Splash. Splash. Splash.
Run, run, RUN RUN RUN RUN.

Where'd it go?

03-06-2011, 03:05 PM
Morrowind: Morrowind has always been a special game to me, it may not have the best gameplay mechanics in the world, but it's still my favorite game of all time. Why? I don't know. Morrowind takes place on the fictional island of VVardenfell, where racist elves berate you for not being as elf as they are (Even though they still berate you if you are one of their kind), and they get pretty shocked when you turn out to be their equivalent of Jesus. It's also hugely moddable, with most fans spending more time installing mods than playing. Go play it.

Dao Jones
03-06-2011, 03:07 PM
Shadow of the Colossus. It has amazing music and really big fellas to take down but not in a sexual way so that's ok. AGRO!

03-06-2011, 03:09 PM
Team Fortress 2 - Brutal, fashionable warfare.

Super Meat Boy - A telling account of the dangers of abortion.

Stalker: Shadow of Chernobyl - Lotta dudes.

03-06-2011, 03:11 PM
Duke Nukem 3D - hey remember when you were fighting aliens in an urban wasteland, using your shrink ray to stomp on a pig-like creature, flying on your jet-pack and paying strippers to show you their goods while you spouted out amazing one-liners? Don't remember? Well then play this game dummy and live vicariously through Duke Nukem the baddest motherf*cker around. Enjoy.

03-06-2011, 03:11 PM
Battlefield 1942:

This is easily one of the best FPS out there with a heavy focus on large scale battles, teamwork plus being based on World War II. While I never played the first 1941 games in the series, I still instantly fell in love with it. It manages to mix a realistic representation of squad based combat and the laws of Issac Newton re-imagined. Nothing like helping out 4 wounded mates surronded by 2 tanks and 9 hostile infantry while surfing on top of an aeroplane crashing into your enemies. I can't wait for the remake of the 3rd game in the series.

03-06-2011, 03:12 PM

Aren't those the guys from MDK?


Also something about undeserved praise for doing what PC shooters had been doing for years.

03-06-2011, 03:13 PM
I've never been the biggest fan of open-world games, but Bully is just brilliant. Though the characters in Rockstar's other open-world games reguarly rub elbows with drug dealers, crime lords, and mafia bosses, Bully's main character is much more relate-able--spending most of his time playing pranks on teachers, trying to win over girls, and dodging hall monitors. Its like going back to high school again, except you can do whatever the hell you want. This feeling of reliving old experiences from "the other side of the swirlie" is something that few games manage to accomplish (maybe the Sims does too, if you count that as a game). The gameplay has some minor flaws (like some of the mini games) and the PC port is a little lazy, but I highly recommend this game to everyone. Its unlike any other game--a hint of teenage fantasy wrapped up in a crunchy shell of solid Rockstar-quality gameplay.

Gap Gen
03-06-2011, 03:14 PM
Reviewing Rainbow Six: Raven Shield is reviewing other people. How many marks is the "clipping error" that caught a friend's bullet in the back of your head? What percentage is the grenade that your squadmate threw, and that you ran into? What price stacking up, throwing a flashbang and shouting GOGOGO into your headset? What would you give for running between parked cars, your comrade's sniper rifle covering your back? Is there a mathematical value for storming a room together, dying in a hail of each other's bullets? For shared ineptitude? For the brotherhood of victory? For friends? Ninety-one percent.

03-06-2011, 03:19 PM
Desktop Dungeons: Rogue-like game. Easy to get into, easy to get killed. I play it at work. High replayability. And for those wondering, it includes both my desktop and dungeons.

moth bones
03-06-2011, 03:19 PM
The Championship Manager/Football Manager series:-

Spreadsheets are mysteriously imbued with the qualities of crack cocaine, all thanks to the magic of foot-to-ball fantasies.

03-06-2011, 03:20 PM
Magicka is a game about combining elements in order to create spells and, on rare occasion, doing so without accidentally murdering your friends. Each wizard protagonist carries a sword and a staff, both of which can be upgraded. Those upgrades are lost when you die, which is to say frequently, but weirder and more powerful upgrades are usually close at hand.

Also, just about every character in the game talks like the Sweedish Chef. If you find that funny, and if the core mechanic appeals to you, then you will enjoy the beejeebus out of this game.

03-06-2011, 03:20 PM
to tell
you what
you shall
play based
on my truly
opinion about
some game that
you most likely
know newt about.
Frankly, it would
be very snotty for
me to think I could
compare my review to
your magnificent work
you guys write on RPS!
Nonetheless, you should
perhaps go play Terraria (http://www.terraria.org/)
right now, because having
spent countless hours with
it I feel it is safe to say
you will not be disappointed
as this is one the best games
on the indie market right now!

03-06-2011, 03:22 PM
Dungeon Keeper - You play a mafia don, you slap bitches around, you torture guys for information, you get your enemies on your payroll and the send them to their deaths to expand your territory, EVERY MAN'S DREAM.

03-06-2011, 03:23 PM
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--> Ultima Underworld 1 + 2

Nineteen years ago, the first realtime first person perspective RPG was made. The combat and magic systems were revolutionary. You could talk to pretty much anyone who wasn't a hostile monster, and make many different choices, each with specific consequences. The Underworld games inspired System Shock, Deus Ex, Gothic, Elder Scrolls, and many others.

Back then, I assumed that people would get tired of games where the only form of interaction was shooting things, when games like UW2 existed. And yet now there are so many FPSs and far too few Underworldlikes. What a shame.

Gap Gen
03-06-2011, 03:24 PM
Ondrej, that's mightily impressive.

03-06-2011, 03:25 PM
The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion

The land of potatofaced characters who share the same four voices, is oddly compelling. Despite it's little flaws in unbalanced enemy item drops, and believeable dialogue about mudcrabs, Oblivion manages to satisfy the players crave to explore, even though many areas are rather repetitive. But remember you will never get those 80 hours back.

Oh, and it has less fog than Morrowind.

03-06-2011, 03:25 PM
The Witcher:

In terms of pacing, it is slow at first, fast at second, and perfect at the end. As for its themes, violence, racism, sex and moral decisions define The Witcher, and these are the essential ingredients to a worthwhile RPG. You won't be left with a sour taste in your mouth when you finish this game. Instead, you'd want to taste it again and again.

03-06-2011, 03:27 PM
to tell
you what
you shall
play based
on my truly
opinion about
some game that
you most likely
know newt about.
Frankly, it would
be very snotty for
me to think I could
compare my review to
your magnificent work
you guys write on RPS!
Nonetheless, you should
perhaps go play Terraria (http://www.terraria.org/)
right now, because having
spent countless hours with
it I feel it is safe to say
you will not be disappointed
as this is one the best games
on the indie market right now!

Shit... can't follow that.

03-06-2011, 03:29 PM
Ed Hunter - The Iron Maiden PC Game:

With Metallica selling-out during the mid-90s, Iron Maiden were not going to let themselves fall behind. The limited edition came with a signed wheel of Iron Maiden cheese, a link to the payment screen on fan club's website, a card that when opened played a recording of the design team laughing at you and a glossy photo of the band members taking their bags of cash to the bank. For those that are interested, the game is a light gun-style game, flowing through environs loosely based on Maiden artwork, all set to the soundtrack of poorly sampled Maiden songs. It would have taken a complete lack of shame to have returned this game for a refund - for the rest of us, we just had to chalk it up to one of life's very important lessons: merchandise sucks.

Chap O
03-06-2011, 03:29 PM
Infiniminer: Like Minecraft with teams.
Dwarf Fortress: Like Minecraft in 2D.
Dungeon Keeper: Like Minecraft without the outside world.
Lego: Like Minecraft minus the mobs.

elephant god
03-06-2011, 03:29 PM
Amnesia and AI War Combo-Review

Both sit in my Steam library, never uninstalled, yet never touched, for my brief encounters with either of them frightened me to equal amounts with their huge complexity and incredibly dense and frightening atmosphere. Still I feel enriched by their presence, like sitting across from two beautiful women, smiling at them, listening to their intelligent conversations, but never being man enough to talk to them.

Maybe I'll have a try at them when I've started to do sports more regularly and am a successful business person.

03-06-2011, 03:32 PM
Witcher 2

Geralt –
Shining swords of Silver and Steel
Whirling and twirling like a dervish of your demise
Ungainly beasts both human and not
Fall without honor to your dance of death
Forests and trees, castles and stones
Beauty in every place
Continually searching, continually reaching
Will you find your past?
Will you find your future?
Help us to see beauty in the journey
Not just the destination

03-06-2011, 03:33 PM
Cannon Fodder is the modern heir to Apocalypse Now, a modern diatribe against the futility and inhumanity of war. Only through the power of the Amiga 500 can the true impersonality of modern warfare be impressed. Using a zoomed out graphical style neatly dehumanizes the participants, encouraging the use of soldiers as a disposable resource. However the simple act of naming the soldiers and granting them a gravestone upon death shows the true cost of war. This game will become the defining moment of a generation and end war within two decades as this classic continues to warn against enlistment.

100% (of words used, not counting this line)

03-06-2011, 03:35 PM
It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

03-06-2011, 03:35 PM
The Witcher - The first 3rd person sex simulation game, oh and there are monsters too.

03-06-2011, 03:37 PM
Fallout is a game about a dude who wanders in a desert with a dog and an overpowering sense of entitlement to everything other people own. I left no dresser, footlocker, or container unchecked. The purpose of the game is to amass as much stuff as possible and then hide them in underground bunkers like a pirate. Like any pirate you can steal from people to fulfill your need for more stuff. You can even straight up murder women and children to get at even more stuff. Fallout is a great stuff collecting game. Five stolen stars out of Five.

03-06-2011, 03:39 PM
Battlefield 2142
Everyone says it’s a reskin of BF2. Apart from the bit where you and your squad race to a missile silo, fire missiles at the enemy titan until its shields go down, then grab a transport-ship, fly over the titan, shoot down on escape pods, storm through the corridors destroying critical subsystems to open the way to the core, then burst into the heavily-defended core room and destroy the power generator before sprinting across the cargo deck and parachuting off the titan as it explodes, it is.
And it’s great.

03-06-2011, 03:39 PM
Planescape torment:Never has a game made me feel this many emotions. Never has a game made me think about life. Never before has a game made me want to change.
What can change the nature of a man? Planescape can.

03-06-2011, 03:41 PM
http://i.imgur.com/w214d.jpg alt="The Stalker games are probably the most atmospheric shooters you can play, and - in any just world - would be the showcase for the PCs infinite capacity for non-stream imaginative games. I've seen multiple people take in interest in Pripyat, the Chernobyl disaster and Ukraine itself, entirely due to this game, and frankly, any words here are hollow descriptions of the experiences you will have if you play it. So screw it, y'know? Quit reading this and do it. Buy it if you haven't, and play it. Now. In fact, I was going to enter this competition to get a free game, and maybe proselytise a little, but eh, I think I'll just try and get on the building from the beanstalk anomaly again. I can't, of course, but I'll have fun trying. And that is what all games are about."

03-06-2011, 03:43 PM
The first in a new generation of adventure games; the last of it's generation. All the components - music, story, dialog, graphics, gameplay - are of high quality, but they all play second bass to drawing you in, immersing you in the world. You are Robert Cath, and you will find out what the heck is going on. If not, Paul Verhoeven (http://www.slashfilm.com/paul-verhoeven-developing-big-screen-adaptation-of-jordan-mechners-video-game-the-last-express/) will spell it out for you.


03-06-2011, 03:44 PM
I shall cheat. Is that alright? I know it's alright.

Here is my review of all BioWare games at once (http://www.avault.com/features/falling-love-bioware/). Emotional rant included at no charge.

It was published on May 31st, but probably hasn't gone stale yet.

03-06-2011, 03:44 PM
SimCity 2000 is a game in which a psychopathic deity briefly takes an interest in urban planning.

03-06-2011, 03:44 PM
After a while playing
You'll come to terms
Finally, this is a powerup that
This is an enemy
And yes, this
This is
This is you.
also you.
is you as well.
you're trying to sabotage.
you can't even remember.
with infinite recursion,
Inside A Star-filled Sky. (http://insideastarfilledsky.net/)

03-06-2011, 03:46 PM
Sorry czerwony, the limit was 100 words, not 1,000. ;)

03-06-2011, 03:46 PM
An NPC says I can blast my way in through the front door. I'm wary, but what else can I do? A game gives you orders, you follow them. That's how it works. But then I speak to a small child. In return for food he gives me a key code.

Within 15 minutes I've entered silently, bypassed security through vents and incapacitated a flamethrower-toting terrorist with a riot prod.

I didn't even know I adored stealth in games. Deus Ex showed me.

By the time I say “Flatlander Woman” I don't want to play without choice again.

03-06-2011, 03:48 PM
We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig in our mine the
whole day through
To dig dig dig dig dig dig dig is what we really like to do
It ain't no trick to get rich quick
If you dig dig dig with a shovel or a pick
In a mine! In a mine! In a mine! In a mine!
Where a million torches shine!

We dig up diamonds by the score
A thousand Lazuli, sometimes more
But we don't know what we dig 'em for
We dig dig dig a-dig dig –“Oh Fuck.. CREEPER”

03-06-2011, 03:54 PM
I miss Lucasfilm's Their Finest Hour so bad. I miss the bits falling off an ME 109, the long slow flight over the channel in your Stuka just waiting for some patrol of Spitfires or Hurricanes to take you out, blessing and cursing all that heavy armour. I miss the campaign mode. When you won as the RAF you usually had half a spitfire and a paper plane left. It made me understand the war a little bit. I miss throwing the Spitfire around in ludicrous rolls and manuevres, all the while filming, rewinding and playing that one great dogfight.

Drake Sigar
03-06-2011, 03:56 PM
Darwinia is a virtual world overrun by a virus. As a user, it’s your job to battle through a series of digital landscapes, rebuild the population (that’s what I’m talkin’ bout!) and trace the virus all the way back to its source. Take the retro style of Tron, garnish with a dash of Cannon Fodder, then you’ve got a rough mental image of Darwinia. Playing arouses such strong feelings of nostalgia, I guarantee by the end of your first session you’ll be wearing brightly coloured 80s sunglasses and looking for any excuse to incorporate the word “rad” into your conversations.

03-06-2011, 03:57 PM

French game, weird as you like, interested? read on. You play a nameless traveller entering a village which turns out to be cursed so you start a quest to save the girl who can lift the curse. Pretty straight forward right? Only problem is nearly everything can kill you and it constantly does! My best bit of the game: Getting knocked out, then waking up hung by my feet whilst being used as a punch bag by a werewolf which resembles Mike Tyson. For its time it had amazing graphics using ellipsoids giving the effect of LSD without the drugs.

03-06-2011, 03:57 PM
This game makes me cry. Each of its classes has more character than most FPS titulars (no not those tits) with pixar quality promotional videos introducing each released regularly by Valve. The levels are great and the game modes have something from the griefers to the spawn campers, pros to pubbies. Beneath the amazing visual design there is a brilliantly well balanced and unique-class system, counters and buddies galore. Hilarious achievements, unlockable weapons, varied hats, crafting and trading system, replay editor, developer commentary, offline extras. I have seen people who hate FPSes walk out with a heavy and mow down a bunch of people for a massive rush of unadultrated joy. BUY THIS GAME.

03-06-2011, 03:57 PM
Terraria -
This time last week I was sat alone as I am now with nowhere to be and nobody to be with, my weekend came in the form of Terraria, a 2D Minecraft like game. Terraria is an excellent game that somewhat manifested from the Internet, out of nowhere a legend was born, A legend, that's the lowest honour I can pay Terraria. it's the first game in a long time that's brought me and my friends together playing one game all through the whole weekend clocking up near 30 hours of gameplay. Terraria, though it's an indie title and costs a mere £6 is without doubt the best game I've purchased in a long time, even beating Witcher 2 in Steams bestsellers.

03-06-2011, 04:02 PM
There was a young lady from somewhere,
Who woke up in labs of Aperture.
She did a few tests,
and made a big mess,
and still we know nothing about her.

-Portal series

03-06-2011, 04:05 PM
Inding Prophency. Has great story, very, very interesting characters and unique feel. It focuses more on the story than on the gameplay, which actually, isn't a bad thing. Being bored after play all those Call of Duty and Battlefield games i've decided to try this game out. I was amazed by its content, but it sure could have been longer. Your decisions are the crucial thing in this game. Turn on your brain...otherwise go play CoD.

03-06-2011, 04:05 PM
The Witcher 2

Imagine everything that The Witcher had, with the power knob turned up to 11.

Liked women falling down in front of Geralt? Disliked how it was cheesy, how Geralt ended up with everything ever? Now it's even less cheesy and even more awesomely rendered in the game!

Fighting is a lot smoother now, you glide, stabbing enemies in your awesome wake. You rule the battlefield, and you can even smash the buttons, if that's your kind of a thing!

11 years old? Boobies!

31 years old? Intriguing plot AAAAND Boobies!

Tech Freak? PC Destroying Ultra-details

Sabre Runner
03-06-2011, 04:06 PM
ET. Green. Lots and lots of green. Some black and grey. I think it's a pit. I think these are people. Not sure. Neck extends. Don't know why this is good. The number three. Another number three. House with four eyes. Arrows pointing. Points counting. What am I doing? Home phoning.

03-06-2011, 04:06 PM
Alpha Protocol

There once was a game with choices,
with mediocre to well acted voices.
You could wear a beard,
Though it looked a bit weird,
You know what, rhymes are stupid.

Alpha Protocol accomplished one thing: the illusion of choice. While nearly all RPGs strive to create this effect, Alpha Protocol manages it subtly and deftly in both dialogue and mechanics. Even the superficial choice of what order to do the missions in is made real by NPCs referring to past actions in an organic way.
For all its flaws, including cheesy dialogue, there's a grate game here.

03-06-2011, 04:07 PM
Dwarf Fortress

There once was a place called Boat Murdered, everyone died.

03-06-2011, 04:10 PM
Drakensang - The River of Time: Like taking a walk at sunset with grandma. Beautiful and whimsical, but not quite the same as when you were a kid and she'd give you five dollars for being cute. Still, you relish it because grandma wont be around for long, but you do miss the fiver.

Summation: Quite enjoyable if not a bit musty smelling.

03-06-2011, 04:12 PM
This is a game where you rub out hard men, often after spending quite some time hanging around a public bathroom.

Sabre Runner
03-06-2011, 04:15 PM
Raptor – Call of the Shadows One of the games on GOG is an ancient (1994) vertical-scrolling shooting game, the kind we all liked to play in the day. It's graphics were good for its time and it offered much customisation. The game was all over the place and relentless. I still think it's probably the best of its type in the world, with the only possible contender being Overkill. If you're into the scrolling shooter, six bucks is nothing compared to the value of this game. Go play it. Right now. They should have Overkill too.

03-06-2011, 04:16 PM
L.A. Noire (with apologies to consolephobes)

Feels very much like someone had written a quite good HBO series based on the film L.A. Confidential, and Rockstar decided to build a game around it.

03-06-2011, 04:18 PM
Windows Vista

I knew I was headed for trouble when I needed a walkthrough (http://windows.microsoft.com/en-US/windows-vista/Opening-the-Windows-Vista-box) to open the box. Things went downhill fast. To my surprise, installation took up ~10GB; I assumed because of some HD textures. Also, I thought I had sufficient hardware, but I'm jumping between 30 and 0fps. Maybe it's a driver issue. Some of the enemies seem unbalanced as well. UAC can spring from anywhere, anytime and frequently takes multiple hits to destroy. And the Aero boss battle drops my framerate to nil. Hopefully this gets patched.

Alex Bakke
03-06-2011, 04:19 PM
ArmA2: Operation Arrowhead A game you should definitely be paying attention to. Want to dual wield Glock-18s and sprint permanently around the map? Not going to happen. Want to teleport 5 metres forward and stab an enemy in the leg, instant kill? Not going to happen.

Want to engage in one of the most teamwork-based shooters out there, working together to solve some of the most realistic simulations in a vast, engrossing environment with detailed ballistics, vehicles and shot placement? Yeah, that's going to happen.

03-06-2011, 04:20 PM
God Hand:

Old West, Martial Arts Beat-em-up starring generic anime badass #1 and the eloquent verbal jabs of Mike Tyson. Fight Mexican demons, vampires, men in gorilla suits and succibi using an array of customized fighting techniques and crotch shots. Funny, challenging and unique, it may be the most fun video game of all time.

03-06-2011, 04:20 PM
Final Fantasy VII time. Let’s save the world. Sure, you might be a clone—but who cares? Clones can save the day sometimes, too. Bust up some monsters, bust ‘em up good. Everything is coming up Cloud.

They put makeup on you. Sure, that was a bit weird. But now you have that Silk Dress and some Sexy Cologne. And, you know? That Diamond Tiara really highlights your eyes. Take your time; it’s okay. Don Corneo can wait. This is a safe place. Nice. Who’s a pretty Cloud? You are. It’s Final Fantasy VII time. This is what men do.

03-06-2011, 04:20 PM
Men of War Series

The MoW series has always been known for its detailed portrayal of hats, and to a lesser extent for its incredibly intricate battlefield simulations. Critics may however be quick to point out that it is not the only game series to put the 'hat' back into the war-themed hat simulator genre. While this may be true, MoW offers such exciting possibilities like hat looting and the ability to shoot off enemy soldier's hats which are woefully lacking from its competitors' products. As such, it once again sets the bar for the genre.

Score: 9 hat and 1 beret

03-06-2011, 04:26 PM

03-06-2011, 04:26 PM
Playing Brink is like examining the most flaccid and unimaginative frankfurter available during the winter years of our lives. One sip of its seedless fortune will lead to bouts of healthy curiosity and chronic understanding, followed by small amounts of chopped apathy. The devotion of a single unit of our lives to this ancient laundrette is the equivalent of unleashing contractionary fiscal policy upon a tidal wave of immobility and amalgamated swimsuit models. If I were to conclude by ironing out any false associations that grasp the matter by elbowed insight, there would be no aftershocks of unrecognisable proportions.

03-06-2011, 04:29 PM
War. War never changes.

After the nuclear holocaust, the desolate cityscape is ruled by grotesque, massive mutant humanoids. Knowing only the need for survival and the brutal reality of combat, they adapt to the bizarre changes in ecology, using the now lethal and unstable levels of radioactive waste in everyday fruit to craft weapons that vaporize what remains of the husks of ancient skyscrapers. The battle for territory is to the death.

Also, I think this was the first game I ever modded, by adding dirt bombs.

03-06-2011, 04:31 PM
Hrm, can we post more than one? Because the second I hit "Post", I looked at everyone else's submissions again and realized how much less awesome mine is than the median.

Edit: Okay, new review in now.

03-06-2011, 04:36 PM
"You see Ed. Ed's dead" That's the first description you read after stepping out of the Vault in Fallout 1. It sets the tone for this classic, post-nuclear RPG and welcomes you to the wasteland of the future. If you haven't played it and you're a RPS regular you should probably give it a shot.

Alex Bakke
03-06-2011, 04:36 PM
Hrm, can we post more than one? Because the second I hit "Post", I looked at everyone else's submissions again and realized how much less awesome mine is than the median.

Can you delete your previous post?

03-06-2011, 04:38 PM
Just Cause 2:
1000 ways to destroy the world,

03-06-2011, 04:49 PM
Gears of War: Jean Genet's sci-fi wet dream.

03-06-2011, 04:54 PM
Pokemon Red/Blue: kaaa pii Pi-piikachu Pipi Pii Pipi-pikapi ka piii chu Pikachu. pi-kaaa-chu kaa Chu chu Pika-pika chuu Pi-i kaaa chu pikapi, Chuu Piii Chu kaa pikachu pika-pika pi ka-chu-ka ka pipi chuu kaa, pii pika-pika pikapi Kaaa pikapi Kaa piii pikaa Pikapi.

Pika piika pi pipi Chu Pika-pika pipi Pi-i Pii pii Kaaa Pika-pi chuu Pi kachu pi Pikachu Pi chuu pipi pi-ka-chu Pi chu-piikachu.

03-06-2011, 04:56 PM
The Witcher 2:
There is full frontal nudity in the first five minutes of the game.
the graphics are good, the tutorial is not.
A dwarf called me a ploughing whoreson.

03-06-2011, 04:58 PM
Pokemon Red/Blue: kaaa pii Pi-piikachu Pipi Pii Pipi-pikapi ka piii chu Pikachu. pi-kaaa-chu kaa Chu chu Pika-pika chuu Pi-i kaaa chu pikapi, Chuu Piii Chu kaa pikachu pika-pika pi ka-chu-ka ka pipi chuu kaa, pii pika-pika pikapi Kaaa pikapi Kaa piii pikaa Pikapi.

Pika piika pi pipi Chu Pika-pika pipi Pi-i Pii pii Kaaa Pika-pi chuu Pi kachu pi Pikachu Pi chuu pipi pi-ka-chu Pi chu-piikachu.

I second that motion! Pika pika!

Stand by for my actual submission.

03-06-2011, 04:59 PM
Team Fortress 2: Finally a game that brings hats to my eyes.

03-06-2011, 04:59 PM
Each step contested
No plan has survived contact
Shapeforms haunt my dreams

03-06-2011, 05:01 PM
Oh, Call of Duty you make me cry,
At every level I ask why,
The doors I see are not for me,
And the AI I meet may as well be three.
My comrades are bland, dull and distasteful,
I'd find more personality in a baked potato.
Your set-pieces are lazy, rarely thrilling,
They're as mind-numbingly weak as the shooting and killing.
And once I've stormed through your bite-sized campaign,
I try the multiplayer, but scream "How lame!",
There are so many other things I could do,
So screw it, I'm off to play TF2.

03-06-2011, 05:03 PM
I'm eight years old, it's Monday morning, the entire weekend before I had been playing Dungeon Keeper until my mind felt like it was swimming in caffeine, I'm sure we all remember the feeling of perpetual alertitude after a massive gaming session as a kid. All day in school I was telling everyone I could ambush about it, the cruel difficulty spikes, the pure chaos and panic that made it so tense. Most them just humoured me, nodding at appropriate pauses in my fanatical rants. Until I told my aged teacher about the Black Mistresses, oh dear...

03-06-2011, 05:04 PM
There have been times where I know I'm doomed. Times where I will deliberately face the dead end of the corridor I've fled down, unable to bear looking at the monstrosity that's seconds away from goring me; but where Amnesia really shines is where there Is a slight, tiny chance that you'll come out alive. Crouching in a corner in total darkness,the sound of my heart beating alongside Daniels, hammering out a desperate, panicky rhythm, the creatures nearing footsteps adding to the symphony of terror. I don't go to Ravenholm anymore. My nightmares are in Brennanburg Castle now.

03-06-2011, 05:05 PM
"What good's an honest soldier if he can be ordered to behave like a terrorist?"

"What good's an honest soldier like he, if a terrorist can be ordered to behave?"

"What can good orders be, if an honest soldier'd behave a terror like he?"

"Good. Behave, soldier. Honesty can be ordered, if he likes. What terrorist?"

"I can be honest: What Soldier's behave to - He ordered terror like a god of it."

Deus Ex is about doing the same thing again, in a way you've never tried before.

03-06-2011, 05:06 PM
Mount and Blade: Warband

Writing this, I've tried to compare this game to many others, but none of the comparisons has completely caught the essence of Warband. It's the party building of a Bioware RPG, the freedom of a good sandbox shooter, and a combat engine that is unlike anything I've ever played in that it makes melee combat compelling and interesting. This uniqueness and bravery in treading new ground is I think at the core of this game; the convention of a tutorial or a super-powered player is rejected and something new embraced.

03-06-2011, 05:13 PM
Deus Ex: Invisible War - We don't talk about this.

03-06-2011, 05:16 PM
Diner Dash

You are a waitress. You also play one in Diner Dash, where you must serve your customers before they leave the restaurant. However, the longer customers wait, the less money you make. This creates “tension”. You get bonuses for seating customers with coloured shirts in corresponding seats, which represent political affiliations, except for the green-shirted customers, who are elves. The premise of the game is that people get madder and madder unless you wait on them. If that's not social commentary disguised as gaming, then I'm not Hannah Arendt. I'll leave the 5,000 word follow-up article to The Escapist.

Dr. Nick
03-06-2011, 05:16 PM
The Witcher

The Witcher confuse me. Why tiny man? Why swing sword? Me Caveman. Me like club. Club good. Tiny man not use club...

Me play The Witcher for 30 minute. Not understand. Me swing sword(not club) over head. Miss enemy. Get Killed. Make sad. Not understand game. Controls not like club.

Cavewife play game. Cavewife understand swing sword. Laugh at Caveman. Make more sad. Caveman go play Fable 3. Swing hammer. Almost club. Make happy.

Caveman give The Witcher 6 out of club for Cavewife make happy.

03-06-2011, 05:17 PM
Men of War: Assault Squid.

I have heard much talk of assault squid, and I was expectant of a b-movie type game where tentacles and the fabled Kraken attack men in a gritty fps. Instead I got an incredible RTS with every unit being a named hero, willing to do my bidding. I'm still not sure which would have been the better game, but assault squid has extravagant berets, which wouldn't suit a cephalopod at all.

03-06-2011, 05:18 PM
ArmA 2 Combined Operations
I don't think of ArmA as a game in the conventional sense, in that it gives you the tools and you make the fun with them. I maintain that there is little better in modern FPS gaming that ArmA 2 with a good mission and good friends. Since I started playing ArmA with my RPS chums, I have flown a biplane with rocket launchers, I have joined glorious rescue missions only to be mown down by machine gun fire, I have stolen helicopters from right under the enemy's noses, and it's all been brilliant fun.

03-06-2011, 05:18 PM
The Ship

Shipmate 1: Are you Reginald Pennyweather?<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
Shipmate2: Erm… maybe, who’s asking?<o:p></o:p>
Shipmate 1: You have the right hat and look similar.<o:p></o:p>
Shipmate2: Well maybe I just got this hat from the drawer there. Hey, why are you holding that kitchen knife?<o:p></o:p>
Shipmate 1: Are you Reginald Pennyweather?<o:p></o:p>
Shipmate2: CHRIST! Fine, I’m Reginald, now will you leave me to take a shit in peace? I’ve been holding this monstrosity in for the last three rounds!.... whoa man, get away from me with that knife!<o:p></o:p>
*Shipmate 1 kills Reginald Pennyweather*<o:p></o:p>
Shipmate 3: Are you Dolores Witherton?<o:p></o:p>
Shipmate 1: Erm… Maybe, who’s asking?<o:p></o:p>

03-06-2011, 05:23 PM
Zeno Clash - Zeno Clash is one of the few games that I've played through solely for it's art. The gameplay boils down to a repetitive series of arenas where you enter, watch a cutscene, punch a few mans and then off you go. However, the unique and surreal visual style of the game drives the player forwards and makes them want to continue on their linear, and very violent adventure. The characters themselves are actually incredibly dull, but you won't notice as you'll spend all your time staring at the horrid growths and deformities on their faces, and then proceeding to smack said growths and deformities as hard as possible.

03-06-2011, 05:26 PM
June 6th 2011?:

If you've found this note you've found the first ever review of Duke Nukem Forever, and have reached the end of the game so it's ok now, it won't hurt you anymore. What's more you now know the dark secret this game holds. There was a reason it took 12 years, and through some technological marvel, or... well who knows, they've created... this. 37 excruciatingly real and painful deaths, I hope you fared better.

June 10th 2011?:

I can feel the multiplayer starting up, must be launch day, hopefully we can all find a way out together.

03-06-2011, 05:33 PM
Deus Ex: Invisible War is a vast improvement over its predecessor. It has something approximating a physics engine, see, and someone decided that the physical force of a weapon should be proportional to its damage – just like real life! You can increase your damage multiplier (and therefore the Newtonian force exerted by your armaments on unsuspecting bystanders) by simply editing a plaintext file. Deus Ex may have offered unprecedented freedom and choice in a compelling storyline and tactile, believable world, but its sequel allows you to play NPC Golf. I think we all know which is the better game.

Cpt. Sqweky
03-06-2011, 05:35 PM
Dungeon Keeper:
Muahahahaha! MuahahaHAHAHAha! Muahahahahahahaaaaaaa! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Heh. Ahhhhh... Don't play this game until you perfect your evil laugh.

03-06-2011, 05:37 PM
Clearly the best RPG ever. A few reasons spring to mind:

1. You collect hamburgers from trashcans, and can eat them to restore health.

2. The game originally came with scratch & sniff cards, most of which reeked.

3. The default name for one of your party members is Poo.

4. Dungeon Man - A man. Who is also a dungeon. But is also a man. And you go inside him.

5. Tessie - the monster who resides in Lake Tess

6. Master Barf, a boss fight.

7. A common NPC model looks just like Mr. T.

03-06-2011, 05:37 PM
Mass Effect 2

At the beginning of this epic space adventure I am J Shepard; committer of genocide and saviour of the universe. By the end of the sequel I have slept with a lizardman, bought some toy ships and a miniature giant space hamster, drunk some dodgy booze that made me pass out, watched the physical manifestation of an A.I. do "the robot" and punched a reporter in the face (again). It is everything the Sims 3 should have been. 97%

03-06-2011, 05:39 PM
Can you delete your previous post?

Don't see a 'Delete', but I guess I can edit. Time for a retcon!

03-06-2011, 05:50 PM
Brink -

A pony runs through,
the drifting cherry blossoms.
Seven out of ten.

03-06-2011, 05:53 PM
Dark Messiah of Might and Magic

A new Home Alone videogame!

Sure, there's a few differences: Christmas is armageddon, surburbia is medieval fantasy, Macaulay is a battlemage, the burglers are orcs, and your mother is the demon king, but besides that it's just like you remember! Recreate those slapstick moments with frost spells! Trade your blowtorch for fireballs! Airgun? Bow and arrows! Swinging paint tins? Swinging logs! One spike? Whole racks of them. Everywhere. Assailants falling off the roof? Kick them off a cliff! Relive that aftershave moment by... ummm... being possessed by a succubus.

Even the spider is... no. We don't talk about the spiders...

03-06-2011, 05:56 PM
Would you like to be my friend?

We could rent a movie
Pretend like nothing's wrong

I can make the sadness go away
Even if just for a little

I know we both could use the physical contact

I'll show you around
Treat you right
Tonight we will escape

Because Tonight,
Nothing else matters

...Tonight you'll be a movie star.

03-06-2011, 05:56 PM
Deus Ex: Invisible War: Shit sandwich

03-06-2011, 05:57 PM
Baldur’s Gate II:

More than the epic battles, the breathtaking environments, the fascinating characters, or even the gripping tale of vengeance, love, betrayal and destiny, Baldur’s Gate II is a recollection of an adventure you have told, time and time again, in a familiar tavern with friends who have walked, bled and laughed with you. And no matter how long it has been, no matter how many new stories come into your life, those particular memories never grow old and can never be replaced by any other.

Because it’s more than an adventure. It’s a journey home.

03-06-2011, 06:01 PM
Windows Vista

I knew I was headed for trouble when I needed a walkthrough (http://windows.microsoft.com/en-US/windows-vista/Opening-the-Windows-Vista-box) to open the box. Things went downhill fast. To my surprise, installation took up ~10GB; I assumed because of some HD textures. Also, I thought I had sufficient hardware, but I'm jumping between 30 and 0fps. Maybe it's a driver issue. Some of the enemies seem unbalanced as well. UAC can spring from anywhere, anytime and frequently takes multiple hits to destroy. And the Aero boss battle drops my framerate to nil. Hopefully this gets patched.

If you don't win a game... I'll be sad.

03-06-2011, 06:02 PM
At first, VVVVVV seems like a basic old school platformer. But then, you realise you can't jump.

uǝǝɹɔs ǝɥʇ ɟo doʇ ǝɥʇ ɯoɹɟ dılɟ noʎ os ˙dılɟ ʎluo uɐɔ noʎ

to the bottom

`ǝıp noʎ ǝɯıʇ ʎɹǝʌǝ ʇnq `ƃuıɥsıund s,ʇı ˙uıɐƃɐ ʞɔɐq puɐ

there's a checkpoint nearby, so it's never too painful.

`ʇlnɔıɟɟıp ǝɹoɯ ǝɹɐ suoıʇɔǝs sǝƃuǝllɐɥɔ ǝɥʇ ɟo ǝɯos

especially the insanely difficult Veni Vidi Vici,

˙ɯǝɥʇ ɥƃnoɹɥʇ ʇǝƃ noʎ uǝɥʍ ƃuıpɹɐʍǝɹ ʎlqıpǝɹɔuı os s,ʇı ʇnq

The music will get stuck in your head,

¡ʇı ʎnq - ʎuuǝd ʎɹǝʌǝ ɥʇɹoʍ s,ʇı puɐ

03-06-2011, 06:12 PM
Step step step step step "MoooOOooo" Step step step thwack "Moo!" thwack "MOOooo!" pop pop. Step step step step crunch crunch crunch crunch pop crunch crunch crunch crunch pop crunch crunch crunch crunch pop step knock knock knock knock pop knock knock knock knock step pop knock knock knock knock pop *silence* THUD. "Oof!"........Moan. Clatter. TWANG. "Oof!" Clatter. TWANG. "Oof!" Clatter step step TWANG TWANG step TWANG step TWANG TWANG step TWANG step TWANG TWANG TWANG TWANG TWAN TWANG TWANG TWANG






03-06-2011, 06:21 PM
Fire Emblem: Sacred Stones is a Tile-based, Turn-based Strategy game where you become very attached to your units and restart levels multiple times to find the "combination" to save them. As imlpied, sometimes the levels feel more like a puzzle than an actual combat. Sacred Stones allows you to recruit enemy troops under certain conditions which adds some character to the game. The story is enjoyable and upon completion will leave you satisfied.

03-06-2011, 06:23 PM
The Lord of the Rings: The Battle for Middle-earth

Just look at this game. Electronic Arts has provided director Peter Jackson with an incredible visual style. There isn’t much to see in the books, though. Regardless, EA did a wonderful job, and the life they bring to their characters is astounding. Orlando Bloom deserves praise for being able to match the wonderful display of character present in Legolas. Viggo Mortensen, not so much. Was Aragorn even in the books? I think the books are a major case of adaptation decay (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AdaptationDecay), they don't really fit well with the original game at all. Anyhow, I think BFME is a great game.

03-06-2011, 06:32 PM
World of Warcraft: I logged in to Azeroth on the day of release and I logged out 6 years later. I am about £700 worse off than when I started but at least I have a pet murloc and a small polar bear for company. I couldn't possibly tell you what is happening beyond the four walls of my room and I think my cat died sometime around last March judging by the smell emanating from under my bed. I'm afraid to go outside... awesome game though.

03-06-2011, 06:41 PM
Thief! You stole my heart!

03-06-2011, 06:42 PM
This game is the most stimulating menu-manager puzzle game that I've ever played. It combines excellent menu graphics and long, satisfying cut scenes with curious design choices, resulting in a truly confusing puzzler, where the central goal is to 'exit' the game. Ingenious.

It's a shame that its sequel didn't follow this simple, yet entertaining formula and, instead, went in a completely different direction which no one could have foreseen - it was released as an internet connectivity testing tool. It's truly regretful that Ubisoft decided to delve into creating utility software and abandoned their highly successful puzzle game franchise.

03-06-2011, 06:47 PM
Burnout Paradise:
Oh the joy of flying through the air and landing in a wonderful pile a junk trying to turn yourself in the smallest possible pile of metal. The thrill of starting a Showtime and causing mayhem on the streets blowing as much cars and buses as you can. I'll just do one more race, one more pursuit, I'll get one more car, one more board to smash, one more short cut to open, one more, one more, one more, again - more! This is heaven for wheels.

Unpleasant Scott
03-06-2011, 06:49 PM
Alien vs Predator (2010)

In the film 'A History of Violence', the character of Richie Cusack watches his brother kill three henchmen with ease.

Surveying the scene, the henchmen brutally slain and his brother at large, Richie murmurs to himself 'how do you fuck that up?' somewhat whimsically, as if he hasn't fully grasped the scale of the problem.

This does not last. The realisation of his impending death sinks in and he repeats his statement, fearful, frustrated, and at a loss as to how this all happened.

'How do you fuck that up?'

03-06-2011, 06:55 PM
Men wearing wigs, glued on facial hair, and fake ears pose in live action sequences for lengthy discussions. The only romance option was travelling.

Betrayal at Krondor.

The Pink Ninja
03-06-2011, 06:58 PM
I like to think Freespace 2 killed its genre by being impossible to surpass. Timeless enough to be art, everything from its atmospheric soundtrack to its perfectly honed design still holds up. For a game with no characters it evokes my emotions like no other and it is the sense of purpose these emotions give you that make the game truly memorable. The joy of tearing apart a wing of enemy fighters, the heart pounding tenseness of chasing down torpedoes, the glorious last stands as you play rearguard for the whole human race. It was an honour to be there.

03-06-2011, 06:58 PM
Second Life: If your real life is shit, you can have a second less shit one online.

03-06-2011, 07:04 PM
They come from Above. They tear the land asunder to steal its wealth. Nothing is safe, nothing sacred, in the face of their insatiable lust for riches.

They create useless structures, abandoning them at a whim. They slaughter livestock by the score. They tear open portals to the nether realms.

They put torches everywhere.

Death itself is powerless against these invaders. They always return to reclaim what is 'theirs'.

There is only one choice. Destroy what they have created, no matter the cost.

Let our cry strike terror in their hearts.


03-06-2011, 07:05 PM
Imagine an FPS shooter with a concise entertaining plot, tight controls and a sensible open world sandbox environment to play in. The Void is not this game.

03-06-2011, 07:16 PM
The Sims - for women, before they can control a family of their own.

03-06-2011, 07:33 PM
Team Fortress 2

Team fortress 2 is fun. It is chaotic online mayhem with flamethrowers. Anyway, now that that's finished, I will get on properly! I love TF2, mainly due to the fact that it is so balanced in terms of weapons, no gun is more powerful than another, but each person will find one their good with. Also, any obstacle can be overcome with some teamwork, everything has a weakness and a strength, making for an extremely fun online shooter that isn't like CoD:BO where you are continuously killed by the guy with the 3 shot killer called the commando... (yes that happens)

There, 100 words exactly :)

03-06-2011, 07:38 PM
Tomb Raider: Guide a troubled woman with debilitating kleptomania as she commits petty theft in order to thwart the machinations of slightly less moral thieves. Any ethical dilemma faced by the player may be rationalized away by the simple fact that this is a story of a starving wretch who is forced to steal bread, though I suppose you'd replace "starving wretch" with "wealthy heiress" and "bread" with "priceless artifacts to finance vast motorcycle collection." Highly recommended for anyone who enjoys graves, specifically robbing them.

03-06-2011, 07:40 PM
Duke Nukem: Forever

It's fine.

03-06-2011, 07:47 PM
Leisure Suit Larry:

I came. 5 stars.

03-06-2011, 07:48 PM
I'm extracted from a narrow hole surrounded by screaming. Sounds like a thrill-ride? I was hopeful, but then the commotion stopped, and boring routine began. An early challenge is bowel-management, which is hard. I disappointed the NPCs because there's no tutorial- rather, the tutorial is in-game, and NPCs communicate in Simlish-esque babble, which you're expected to learn. Eventually I just had to imitate them and cross my fingers. Then more unfair challenges; random erections, voice-breaking, and hair-growing occur consistently after ~13 'years'. In the end I just gave up. Excellent graphics, the 'sex' minigame was fun, but overall, not recommended.

Comrade Commissar
03-06-2011, 07:53 PM
Alien Swarm

You play as a marine. You got many different guns. You use those guns to kill aliens. It includes gore. It has co-op gameplay. It is a ton of fun.
For the fact that it is for free, Alien Swarm has priceless gameplay!
Go get it!

03-06-2011, 08:01 PM
Duke Nukem Forever Demo

Dear Jeffrey,
Alone in your room seated softly on the edge of your bed, I would use your polaroid camera to take pictures of my penis. With numerous small objects of your belonging placed upon the rearing portion of my naked flesh, beads of sweat glistening under the repeated flashes of light with a scent faintly reminiscent of eucalyptus, I would feel a tremendous sense of child-like wonder and unparalleled joy. We are but old men now, though in light of recent disasters, I feel compelled to share these things with you. I long for you, sweet Jeffrey.

Your love,

03-06-2011, 08:02 PM
The Witcher 2

Better than those other games.

03-06-2011, 08:03 PM
Fallout 3: After I murdered everyone in my underground training box, I sprang forth into the world and found a little town called Megaton. They had this awesome fireworks machine set up in the town's center! It didn't work though. I tried fixing it, but it never would turn on. I eventually left the town, depressed and lonely. An effeminate man invited me into his hotel, and up to his balcony for 'drinks'. I thought I knew where this thing was headed. Boy, was I wrong! He had a magic button. I pressed it, and suddenly, the fireworks machine in Megaton started working! It was beautiful!

Then I killed the man and drank from his toilet.

Zak T Duck
03-06-2011, 08:09 PM
Ranarama - Spectrum

You play as a wizard's apprentice who turned himself into a frog moments before his mentors are killed by warlocks. You spend the game hopping round dungeons, fighting off various monsters, traps and beach balls(?), all the while keeping an eye out for the warlocks. They are defeated by hopping on them and successfully rearranging the jumbled up letters into the word "RANARAMA", which earns you runes which go towards buffing your attack, defence, effect and power spells. This is a Graftgold classic just crying out for a remake of some kind, maybe with procedurally generated dungeons.

Outright Villainy
03-06-2011, 08:12 PM
Amnesia: The Dark Descent

This game inflicted true terror upon me. After downloading an 8gig game at 100kb/s, it repeatedly crashed at the same point twenty minutes in. Never has a game been such a soul crushing experience. A marvel to behold!

03-06-2011, 08:13 PM
Firefly: The Video Game

The seven season long sci-fi TV series by Joss Whedon, despite a story arc fatigue, managed to maintain a high quality of writing. It must be thus pretty obvious that the video game (with script written by Whedon himself), made by successful chaps at Looking Glass Studios, was anticipated with high hopes. The result, however, will be disappointing to many. While the writing is strong, the gameplay is a ripoff from Wing Commander: Privateer with adventure elements - stuff we've seen so very often. I can recommend it only to die-hard fans of the show.

03-06-2011, 08:28 PM
Wing Commander: Privateer

The main character is a MAN! With the haircut of the century, jawbones of a shark, more rugged face then the Terminator and a leather jacket! Even Duke himself would pale in comparison of machoness.

Oh, and you get to fly in space, shoot stuff and earn money so you can you more stuff so you can shoot stuff even more efficiently!

03-06-2011, 08:49 PM
I came to Gaul with my legions, riding for the glory of the house of Julii. The war was soon over, barbarians enslaved by me. I saw the plebs on the streets of every city, shouting my name. The masters of the Republic; the Senate, houses of Scipii and Brutii were not so pleased. It was time to choose death or glory, this time not for Senate, but for my family! Veterans loyal to me gathered near Arretium, navy in Adriatic, figh for power was about to start. Siege, charge, destroy - this was Total War (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rome:_Total_War), and I conquered Rome!

03-06-2011, 08:50 PM
I've never seen such an amazing game in all my life. Carve your home into the world, secure it with traps and a well trained militia, develop a varied economy, adorn your goods for glory or profit, battle epic beasts, survive disasterous floods, appease your neighbors or ruthlessly slaughter their armies, search for riches to attract new settlers and nobles, and carve your history into the very walls of your fortress.

In first person, with multiplayer.

03-06-2011, 08:54 PM
I smacked somebody in the face with a chicken. I knocked somebody down with a frying pan. I punched an armored car. I ran alongside a cargo train. I strangled an alien. Some love the game because it's pretty. I love Crysis because it allows me to be a dick in the most spectacular ways.

03-06-2011, 09:47 PM
Trials2: Second Edition is the ultimate in PC motorbike simulators. Apart from a cutting edge, realistic ragdoll physics engine, the game is able to recreate the simple nature of moto-scootery, in an easy to comprehend 4 button system. It is as close to the real thing as is possible on a computer. Trust me, I have a PhD in Whale Biology.

03-06-2011, 09:53 PM
Batman: Arkham Asylum

Plunging into a psychedelic party of pugilistic pandemonium, buff-bodied Batman brazenly beats up bemused bad guys, bringing bodacious badassery to Joker's belly-busting banquet at Arkham Asylum. Always the antagonist, Joker actively annoys Bats with an assortment of astonishingly asinine ambushes aimed at attenuating the advancement of our adventurer as he attempts to annihilate his abundant adversaries. A choice concoction of clandestineness and combat, this Caped Crusader celebration contains a copious collection of chances for children to carry out the coolest comic-related craziness ever, from the confined and cozy comfort of their couch, cot, cradle or computer chair!

03-06-2011, 10:25 PM
BMW M3 Challenge

A free driving simulator made by some german studio i never heard of with support from BMW M, it's probably one of the most realistic driving sims for PC (Other than rFactor).

What i Liked: Good graphics, realistic physics, AMAZING SOUND, very low requirements, superlight (350mb), FREE, LAN Multiplayer.
What i Didn't: Only 1 car available (M3, DUH!), 2 tracks, crappy AI (beat it on maximum no problem).

Conclusion: Basically, a free rFactor with one car only. However, if you wanted more, it wouldn't have been free. So, in my opinion is a very good game (especially because of the multiplayer). Rating: 4/5

Wild Marker
03-06-2011, 10:50 PM
SimCity 4

SimCity 4 is by far the best and only Mayor Training Program ever made. If your local Mayor has not yet been certified as a SimCity 4 player we are sorry to inform you that he/she is inadecuate for the job as he/se is unprepared for, but not limited to:

-Balancing the public services budget
-Managing propper traffic distribution
-Responging to giant robot attacks

So on the next elections, make sure you vot for the right candidate. One that has played countless hours of SimCity 4.

03-06-2011, 10:58 PM
Fallout 3:
Can you name a better game that has an ultra-patriotic giant robot that fights for you? Didn't think so.

"Obstruction detected. Composition: Titanium alloy supplemented by photonic resonance barrier. Probability of mission hindrance: ZERO PERCENT!"
"Communism detected on American soil, lethal force engaged."
"Communist target acquired."
"I die, so that Democracy... may... live."

I mean, I liked New Vegas more in terms of game play and how the quests work and all that, but thousands of little robots can't match one big, nuke-chucking, commie-kicking death machine.

03-06-2011, 11:11 PM
I knew when I wrote my bit, it'd get beaten. But I tells ya, readin the rest of this stuff, it sure was fun taking part.

03-06-2011, 11:17 PM
I once had a wonderful fisticuffs-adventure in a fantastically colorful realm populated by bizarre half-Lovecraftian, half-Carrollian creatures. On my journey, I discovered (after a bit of clashing) that my god-creator had a dark, cuckoo-like secret and that my varied anthropormorpic siblings were not, in fact, blood relatives.

Also, there were fish guns and trunk-bearing dino-like grazing critters as tall as trees. Do give Zeno Clash a try.

03-06-2011, 11:37 PM
World of Warcraft.

ITS FINE. Which is odd given its the most popular MMORPG in the world. You'd think it would be amazing. But its not. Pick your class, be it a ranged or melee type, with or without a pet, and pick your spec depending on whether you want to tank, damage deal or heal.

It shines in its progression, as there's always a way to make your character more awesome, but the way you can progress is dissapointing. You can progress quickly via repetitive though potentially entertaining questing and dungeoneering, or slowly via fighting other players in instanced battlegrounds and arenas at higher levels.

And that about sums it up. Oh and its highly addicting, to point where there are stories of babies dying due to WoW induced parental neglect. Actually now I've written this I have to say its not fine. ITS PURE EVIL.

03-06-2011, 11:42 PM
Portal 2:

Wow this isO

OA really good game

03-06-2011, 11:45 PM
Dwarf fortress is both the greatest and most obscenely difficult RTS to ever hit PCs. My previous fort started well, but come winter all the water froze, and half my population died a week from the day we ran out of beer. My current one is going well apart from an infestation of giant olms from a forgotten underground cavern and a berserk metal worker who bled to death in my bedrooms after he couldn’t find the supplies he needed to make a certain artefact. This is as much a story generation software as an RTS. Play it.

03-06-2011, 11:48 PM
Deus Ex

This is just the best game ever! It offered a deep plot, atmospheric maps, an awesome soundtrack and more importantly, non-linear gameplay

Alex Bakke
03-06-2011, 11:54 PM
Portal 2:

Wow this isO

OA really good game

Well played, sir.

Well played.

04-06-2011, 12:06 AM
Nascar The Game 2011:

I laughed.
I cried.
I turned left.

Derpington Hurrrrrrr
04-06-2011, 12:19 AM
Dragon Age 2 is a failed attempt at gaming atrocity. It has no graphics, no color other that brown, all characters can be placed in a place that consists of less then one dimension and romances in this game seem to be written by people who never had a romantic experience in their lives. Strangely enough the dead locations are being reused, enemies are falling from the sky in a second wave regardless of creature type and storyline is so disconnected from a player that having darkspawn killing everyone mid game would be a relief for player. 0/10

04-06-2011, 12:27 AM
Their cries failed to reach my ears. I was massive and they were tiny and insignificant. Crushing their city, decimating their armed forces. Women screamed, children cried and men panicked. Nothing of a concern to the giant human that had invaded this poor fishy city.

Just one of the many strange and brilliant scenarios played out in Psychonauts.

04-06-2011, 12:40 AM
Sid's Alpha Centauri's a blast
To transcends and talents en massed
With philosopher-kings
And orbital rings--
Though the AI's a little half-*****.

04-06-2011, 12:44 AM
Why is Dragon Age: Origins, the best RPG ever? Because if forces you to do its bidding. First I bought the game. After finishing the epic story I HAD to buy all the DLC's. Then I had to buy the expansión. I finished the epic story, walking through a mirror with a witch, and then I HAD to start writing a fanfiction chronicle about the journey through Ferelden. (40 pages and counting) I'm already learning how to record movies from games because now I HAVE to show everybody in youtube MY version of the Warden. Really, great game

04-06-2011, 12:49 AM
You don't get many weapons in Hexen but it's the typeof game that PC gamers would love especially fans of Myst because you waander around getting lost until you stumble upon many answers. The visuals save the game, they are just so detailed with lots of little touches like leaves blowing in the breeze and corpses littered about. There were times when I felt like I was really there. It's incredibly violent, you should see when I totally hit this ork thing with my magic hammer and it exploded. Totally brutal!

This one's a keeper.

04-06-2011, 12:53 AM
X-Com Apocalypse. Bigger, Stronger, Better. And more ! More Stuff ! Time to save the world again. Well, not world, a city, but not normal city, the Mega-City ! Fight new aliens, sucky sucky brainsuckers, poppers that go boom when you stare at them for too long, and more ! But dont let those bastards infiltrate the government, or you will have to level half of the city down. Or, you can always raid Cult of Sirius for fun (disclaimer: Cult of Sirius is not in any way related to Church of Scientology, even though they both worship aliens [and share the acronym] ;) ).

04-06-2011, 12:53 AM
O Duke! my Duke! your fearful trip is done;
The game has weather'd every engine, lawsuits fought and won;
The date is near, "gone gold" I hear, PR hacks all exulting,
While follow eyes through vaselene, the ageing throwback nearing:
But O shrink! poop! piss!
O the bleeding chunks of red,
Where on launch day my Duke he lies,
Fallen cold and dead.

after Whitman

04-06-2011, 12:57 AM
Every year I buy the new PES and every year the first few games are a delightful learning curve, adjusting to the subtle changes, discovering new joy from new features. This has to be the best football game ever. Then came Fifa 10 and everything changed.

Every year I buy the new Fifa and every year the first few games are a delightful learning curve, adjusting to the subtle changes, discovering new joy from new features. This has to be the best football game ever.

papa egg
04-06-2011, 01:06 AM
Eating a bowl of cereal without any hands was one of the hardest games I have played. I had to use all different parts of my body to eat the cereal and then needed gauze to stop the bleeding. I would give eating a bowl of cereal without any hands 8.5

04-06-2011, 01:19 AM
Left 4 Dead:

I'm lagging behind, dangerous game.
My friend waits by the window, one, two, pot shots to pass time.
Smoker! And now he's gone, the others don't see but I do.
I need to help my friend.
Deep breath, mighty charge and I leap out the window.
The fall hurts but there's no time, running to his helpless frame I kill what I can, help him up and together our revenge is bloody.
'Reloading' and he covers me, owes me.
We win, Cheshire cat smiles and the others catch up.
One rule, no one is Left 4 Dead.

04-06-2011, 01:59 AM
Tricky Truck: This game is an enjoyable physics simulator of a big rig -- wait, I just lost a wheel. Starting over. Anyway, you drive this truck and GODDAMN IT, I BARELY TOUCHED THAT WALL. HOW DID I DIE THERE? What was I saying? So, you can watch other dudes' replays with impossibly fast times though when *I* do the exact same thing, I lose half my cargo -- why are there no walls on the side of this truck keeping the cargo inside anyway?? Anyway, the physics are very accur-GAH, WHAT KIND OF FUCKING TRUCK TIPS OVER WHEN TURNING AT THIRTY MPH?!? In sum, Tricky Truck is a lighthearted JESUS CHRIST'S CHOCOLATELY CORNROWS /RAGEQUIT

04-06-2011, 02:54 AM
The Witcher 2 I was all ready to get sexed up the second I started the game. But there was none wating for me.
All the time I sunk into you Witcher, and nothing.

On the other hand it was fun!

04-06-2011, 03:22 AM
I'll 1-up your 'less than 100 words' and go for 'less than 100 characters.'
Fallout 1:
Damn that water chip.

I'm Who's Counting
04-06-2011, 04:19 AM
In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These rodents promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Bristol underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... Bad Rats

04-06-2011, 04:31 AM
Ultima 7

You are the Avatar, the living embodiment of law and good. After a quiet time investigating a murder mystery, you fall upon the land of the mutants, where you slay everyone after realizing they are all on drugs. Washing your hands of this crime you come upon Britain and plan a bank heist. The heist goes without trouble, and you are now the richest man on Britannia.

04-06-2011, 04:33 AM
Duke Nukem Forever

A game for 15 year olds now I'm 30?
Not a game for me,

04-06-2011, 04:50 AM
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[I]In a world of aliens only 4 mans from the future can shoot enough of them to make it to the next load screen.

[I]Collect all the points to unlock new exciting things such as usables and unusables.

But beware one of the player is have an alien baby. His forbidden love will threaten to tear space family apart. On the edge of extinction with humanity's future uncertain can we ever overcome our xenophobic ways?

A heart wrenching gutbuster of emotional pathos and physical pain awaits at the business end of the flamethrowers of our hearts.

04-06-2011, 05:36 AM
Edit Profile -> Edit Ignore List -> Add FLBR

Fingers crossed it works :)

04-06-2011, 06:05 AM
A Sci-Fi Zelda.

04-06-2011, 06:40 AM
Here is a review of Gorky 17, an obscure game on GOG that I recently finished: http://www.gog.com/en/gamecard/gorky_17

<style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } --> </style> Gorky 17 is essentially an isometric action game full of grid turn-based combats set in the future (by then), but is almost like a chess game at heart and in disguise, with very light RPG statistics, with extremely minor story-affecting decisions, and with a level cap and without level grinding opportunities. It does not seem to overstay its welcome in terms of game length, but can be frustrating at times. It has bad voice overs occasionally, but you can actually laugh at those bad qualities. Excellent hand-drawn background graphics. All in all, an almost 3 of out 5 score.

04-06-2011, 07:21 AM
A professional pirate: A Port Royale Mini Review.

Time to choose your new vocation. You could be a trade merchant, or man of industry but what's the fun in that? Why not consider a more profitable career.

As a professional Pirate you'll sail where you please, plundering and looting with your cutlass at the ready. You'll capture wealthy merchants or sink your enemies. There's treasure maps to be found and bounties to be claimed. Once you sell your stolen ships, you'll be wealthier than the queen.

Because, when your a professional pirate, that's what the jobs about. Yo Ho Ho

(Attention landlubber, this adventure on the high seas is available on GOG for only six pieces of eight.)

04-06-2011, 08:52 AM
Why is my wife so taken by video game coitus? It started with Dragon Age: Origins and my decision to pursue a relationship with Leliana.

There we were, camped by the fire, the rest of our party stood awkwardly around us offering nary the illusion of privacy.

“Is that you? Are you going to have sex?”
“Yes, I think I am.”
“I thought you were some kind of warrior. Why are you both wearing pink underwear?”
“I don’t know.”

DA:O remains the only game she’s watched me play for more than five minutes, which surely must count for something.


04-06-2011, 08:56 AM
My review of Minecraft, in Haiku form:

Wake up on island
Punch trees with your hands
Suddenly, fun

04-06-2011, 09:57 AM
Fallout: New Vegas

so much depends

a platinum

and chores
for honchos

but I prefer
stalking deathclaws.

04-06-2011, 10:09 AM
Team Fortress 2 - The Robbing Walker Review

Robbing Walker: I used to be a modder. I made a mod called Team Fortress using the Quake engine. I don't think I paid money to use the Quake engine to make my Team Fortress mod. Memory has gone blank due to all the cash I make. You know how it is. Nevertheless, that TF mod got me a job at Valve.

I now work on Team Fortress 2.

TF2 is the biggest item simulator that's ever existed.

We sell:
Hats - Lots of hats. We also allow developers to use TF2 as promotion for their own games. Yeah it's lame, but it's money right?
Keys - Crates are found in game. You need to buy a key to unlock them though. Yeah it's lame, but it's money right?
Weapons - Not happy with the weapons that are supplied with the game you've already bought? Now you can buy more weapons with real money. Yeah it's lame, but it's money right?

Sorry RPS, I've not had a chance to talk about the gameplay. Maybe I could pay for extra words to extend my review?

You repetitive cock. It's not even funny, you are just an embarrassment.

04-06-2011, 10:42 AM
The Sims - I remember this game from when I was kid. The little people were talking
gibberish but I could understand them. They told me to play with them, make them laugh, make them cry, make them soil themselves, make them fall in love and make them suffer. So I did these things. I made them set there house on fire. I'd take away there food. They were so
funny when they were hungry and dying. Suddenly death would arrive, scythe in hand. Death
spoke to me but I didn't understand, I was just playing with the little people.

04-06-2011, 12:47 PM
No variation in gameplay. The same levels repeated over and over. Levels last too long, transcending the border between "bemusing" to "just fucking annoying". Far too repetitive.

0/10, would not play again.

04-06-2011, 01:07 PM
Diablo 2: sweet, sweet loot.

04-06-2011, 02:02 PM
Deus Ex: Human Resources

04-06-2011, 02:09 PM
Dragon Age II

Slipping through the city streets,
Buildings rise like sandstone cliffs:
Kirkwall, the City of Chains.
I arrive a refugee
Chasing my destiny out –
Out along the wounded coast,
Out among the wild Daelish,
And down into the Deep Roads;
But always I must return
To the alleys and sewers,
The plazas and the mansions,
The Chantry and foul Gallows
Of the city I call home.
Refugee to Champion -
My fortunes are on the rise;
But every path I follow,
I seem to have walked before.
Countless mages cry “Enough!”
But each story ends the same:
Blood and death.

04-06-2011, 04:28 PM
Portal 2 - Could have been a winner.
Portal 2 seemingly has it all. Hot chick, funny dialogue, physics based gameplay. Still, the DPM (deaths per minute) is 0. Nobody dies in the game, you can't kill anyone. I guess we'll throw this one in the bin with other losers like Tetris, Guitar Hero, and Dance Dance Revolution.
Graphics - You can clearly see no one gets hurt.
Sound - You hear no screams of pain.
Gameplay - You have a gun, but you can't shoot anyone.
Bottom Line - Wait for Duke Nukem

Sid Menon
04-06-2011, 05:56 PM
I once tried explaining to someone why Gothic II (with Night of the Raven installed) was a great game. It involved showing him which creatures could kill me in one hit.

I don't think I explained it very well. Screaming like a girl whilst running from monsters (in a direction with more monsters) probably didn't sell it either. I think I was smiling, though.


Vexing Vision
04-06-2011, 07:24 PM
Black versus White. Light versus Dark. Your basilisk versus my Unicorn. The placement is important. The timing is essential. The Phoenix is not too weak, you merely don't understand how to use it. My goblin can kill your wizard.
Archon - five out of six powerpoints

04-06-2011, 07:48 PM

Portal is a game that deals with holes. You make holes throughout the whole thing. The whole time, the antagonist is attempting to make holes in you. You attempt to escape the whole facility through holes, and you end up putting a few holes in the antagonist. The whole game is a wholly different experience, and by the time I had finished the whole thing, I realized that it had made a hole in my heart.

04-06-2011, 07:48 PM
Sissy's Ponycorn Adventure - http://www.untoldentertainment.com/games/sissy/
So very sweet, cute, adorable, beautiful, charming, delightful, pleasant, pretty, captivating, darling, precious, artful, clever, savvy, masterful, nifty, colourful, elegant, appealing, bewitching, fine, splendid, stunning, sublime, well-informed (damn lemons!), fascinating, refined, resplendent, marvellous, gorgeous, agreeable, effective, tasteful, noisy (child actors!), engrossing, tempting, electrifying, fair, graceful, precious, intriguing, tempting, intelligent, sensitive (all colours of Ponycorn are welcome in Sissy's world), wise, appealing and of course very very sweet; or did I say that already.

No score. A world where rainbows are the only form of transport, has no need for competitive ranking.

04-06-2011, 08:11 PM
Portal -This is a game where you are given a gun that shoots holes into walls and you can step through the holes and get to places where you shoot other holes. It's like that movie Holes. This game was pretty cool but it was really short and [SPOILER] you just die at the last level. 19 levels of learning how to use your kickass new hole gun and you just die in a pit of fire at the end. I mean the credits didn't even fucking roll at the end it was just like HEY YOU'RE DEAD.

04-06-2011, 09:07 PM
The game in which you travel the mezmerizing foggy lands as a loathed outlander, slaying monsters, gathering loot, exploring dungeons, robbing people right under their noses, making acquaintances and proving your worth to be accepted to guilds and learn incredible skills, without the faintest sliver of an idea
that there is,
in fact,
a [spoiler] "main quest".

04-06-2011, 09:21 PM
America's Army 3
I can't recommend America's Army 3 enough. It’s incredibly realistic. I played for five minutes, got shot in the femur, spent three months in a hospital in Germany, and now I get a fat pension and free medical care from the Army. I also have a Purple Heart, which the chicks dig.

The best part? It's free! The American government pays for everything. I give this 8 out of 10 preemptive invasions.

Apropos Penguin
04-06-2011, 10:18 PM
Planescape: Torment

Awaken on a mortuary slab,
Undressed, unarmed, with no idea why
You’re here consorting with the dead and drab,
Or why, as you discover, you can’t die.
Your mind is gone, your memories forsook
(Perhaps by th’enchantment which keeps your life);
Seek aid from talking skull or demon crook,
Seek truth by conversation, or by knife.
The city: Sigil, center of all planes.
The planes: infinite, dangerous, and weird.
Your allies: flawed, tormented, some insane.
Your past: more heinous than you’d ever feared.
You’ll find yourself by any means you can,
But what can change the nature of a man?

04-06-2011, 10:50 PM
America's Army 3
I can't recommend America's Army 3 enough. It’s incredibly realistic. I played for five minutes, got shot in the femur, spent three months in a hospital in Germany, and now I get a fat pension and free medical care from the Army. I also have a Purple Heart, which the chicks dig.

The best part? It's free! The American government pays for everything. I give this 8 out of 10 preemptive invasions.

Oh man, you have my vote.
I heard the respawn time is a bitch in The American Army, though...?

04-06-2011, 11:19 PM
Wizardry IV - The Return of Werdna

r d r y . I V . ~ D ~ . R e t u r n . o
a X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X f
z X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X .
i X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X W
W X X X X X X X X X X X X a . s i . S e
X X X X X n i r i u X X X n X X X X X r
X X X X X g X X X q X X X . X X X X X d
X X X X X . X X X e X X X i n c r X X n
X X X X l p X X X r . X X X X X e X X a
X X X n e X X X X X G X X X X X d X X X
K X X t X X X X X X P R C . X X i b X X
X X X y . o f . t X X X X d X X X l X X
X X X X X X X X r i X X X r a h . y X X
X X X X X X X X X a X X X X X X X X X X
K X X X X X X X X l . a X X X X X X X X
X X X X X o c . X X X n d . e r r X X X
X X X X p m X o X X X X X X X X o X X X
X X X X l X X t . r e d X X X X r . m a
U K X X e X X X X X X r X X K X X X X p
B ~ . e t X X X X X X o . n i . g n i p

U - Stairs Up
D - Stairs Down
S - Summoning Circle
K - Key
~ - Message
X - Mine/Trap/Bomb
B - Battle
A-Za-z0-9 - Review
. - Empty Space

04-06-2011, 11:21 PM
^ Took me hours that did. ^

Lord Byte
04-06-2011, 11:25 PM
Playing Dwarf Fortress is a bit like engaging in bondage. Most people's first interaction with it involves reading stories on the internet, and then tentatively making their own foray into an exciting new world. At first, it's very difficult to make out what's happening, let alone to be any good at it. Most initial attempts end up being highly embarrassing, with everything in the wrong place: it involves pain (often from repetitive finger actions), humiliation, and a bizarre masochism that keeps you coming back for yet more punishment. You've no idea why, but it still ends up being brilliant fun.

This! It's like an embarassing story, that you keep embellishing in your head until it sounds awesome, and then people hate you because the game is nothing like it at all but they can't stop playing it :) It's like the dwarfs keep whispering their stories to you... You just see them all happen before your eyes and it's wholly logical and awesome, but only you will see it :(

04-06-2011, 11:27 PM
I've snuck into the core of the terrorists' operation, and I'm faced with their leader, when suddenly a fellow agent (and superior) shows up and tells me to execute the man.
He proceeds to tell me about my brother, and I urge him to go on. My superior goes apeshit and says that if I don't kill him, I will be executed for my disobedience. I get really annoyed, and I think "Fuck, that bitch needs to die"; problem is, she's a super-powered cyborg.
Oh well, I can just try for fun, and reload my save when I fail, just because it'll feel good.
I stick my shotgun to her face...and she dies! And explodes!
Woah, that was fun. Now I'm just waiting for the "Mission Failed"-message...
On the intercom: "What the fuck are you doing!? She was way out of line, but still...! Though, I guess you have to stand for what you believe in, I'll delete the recordings."

04-06-2011, 11:28 PM



Yeah, it's pretty fun.

05-06-2011, 01:03 AM
Set in the style of Emily Dickinson, or sung to the theme of Gilligan's Island:

I would recommend Pokemon—
Specifically Blue—
A classic seen as without peer—
I hold this to be true.

It birthed sev’ral complexities—
Of which you should take stock:
Elemental perplexities
Of paper—scissors—rock¬.

To capture monsters great and small¬—
A challenge set to you—
To face the Elite Four stood tall—
And defeat your rival, too.

From Pallet Town to Vic’try Road—
You’ll build a wond’rous team—
I praise the man that did encode
This game, crème de la cream.

05-06-2011, 01:36 AM
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:ApplyBreakingRules/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:UseFELayout/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman";} </style> <![endif]--> Hide and seek
While the single-player game has much to recommend it from a purely philosophical perspective, it is the multiplayer experience that shines. The simple core mechanic - in which one player is tasked to locate (or "seek") the others, who are "hiding" elsewhere on the map - gives rise to a pleasingly emergent experience which rewards intelligent second-guessing from both parties.

While ostensibly a children's game, H&S can be enjoyed equally by intoxicated adults. Gamers in the latter group should be aware that participation can lead to inappropriate intimacy, infidelity, shame and regular child support maintenance demands.

05-06-2011, 02:17 AM
^ Took me hours that did. ^

Hope it pays off.

05-06-2011, 08:05 AM
Duke Nukem Forever is not a game where the killblitz kicks into mega-drive and your flaming motorbike engine rockets off the top of a roaring puma’s head as your dick starts shooting over one billion rounds a second, causing all the sky-scraper high enemies around you to explode in the beautifully blood-splattered tornado of a million perfect simultaneous headshots as the killcounter soars upward like a babellian temple to your gory glory.

Instead, it's just a game. But there's nothing wrong with dreaming.

05-06-2011, 08:20 AM
Just Cause 2: A game in which you can jump off a skyscraper and then parachute back up.

05-06-2011, 10:02 AM
Dark Forces 2: Jedi Knight: The first game to truely make me feel as if i was in the Star Wars universe and great multiplayer on old dial-up (how old am i) Sadly being so old the lightsaber play looked like you hitting someone with a stick in 3 different directions, but it also had a gun that fired like a proto torpedo or something!

05-06-2011, 11:48 AM
Modern Warfare 3: A good DLC for MW2, although it's just a reskin of the previous four CODs. At the price of a full new game ( a console game price, no less), I can't recommend it.
Score: M3h out of 10.

05-06-2011, 01:19 PM

Dum dum dum duuuuuuuum dudududum dum dudum dum. PEW PEW PEW! ARGH ARGH. Dododoooooooooooooootarariiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiititit ii.

05-06-2011, 01:22 PM
You start the game with nothing - not even vendor trash. I ran around, punched some sheep, and got lost. I found a pretty lake. Then it got dark and monsters killed me. I respawned; it was still dark, and I died again. Then I read the wiki, and learned to punch trees and rocks. So I started a new world and tried again. Now I have a cathedral and diamonds and kilometres of tunnels. I tried exploring again. I got lost. I found a pretty lake. Then it got dark, and monsters killed me.
I love this game.

Johnny Lizard
05-06-2011, 03:15 PM
Spacewar! is a two player deathmatch game from indie studio MIT, due for release in Q4 1961. You'll be drawn in by the lavish visuals, and by a physics engine that simulates orbital combat with unprecedented realism. The game itself is open source, and can be freely downloaded from the internet, which is kept in the next room at MIT. However because of the ludicrously steep hardware requirements - a computer to run it on will set you back $120,000 - it seems likely that this is one of those titles that will be more talked about than played.

05-06-2011, 03:16 PM
Master of Orion 2
You start from a tiny planet, and build your space-faring empire across the Galaxy. You meet some talking bears and rocks. You habitually tweak ship designs with every new advance in technology. Engagements with other ships have a certain tactical flair, that is until you research the Stellar Converter. Once you have that, just recline in your throne room chair and laugh to yourself as crush the opposition planet by planet.

05-06-2011, 04:35 PM
o o o o o______ o o o
_o o o o o____ o o o o o o
__ o o o_____ o o o o o o
___o o o_____ o o o o o o
___ o o o______ o o o o o o
___ o o o o o______ o o o o o o
_ o o o o o______ o o o o o

Peggle: 8/10

05-06-2011, 05:42 PM
Nuke Dukem Forever

I haven't played this game because it takes like 2 hours to download and it only takes me 15 minutes to walk to the shop and get a magazine with a cd in with 10 demos on so it should only take 1.5 minutes to download the demo really so instead i just drew a picture of what it probably looks like because my friend told me because his dad works for ea and got a copy early but i think he is lieing becuase once he said he was lv 100 on black ops


05-06-2011, 06:29 PM
Tired of suffering from constipation? Normal laxatives not providing the relief you desire?
Ask your doctor to prescribe Amnesia: The Dark Descent, the brand new constipation treatment from Frictional Games. Guaranteed to provide long-lasting relief

05-06-2011, 07:37 PM
Do you wake up in the morning feeling tired? Well then you're like thousands of equals that haven't played minesweeper. This game will make you wake up feeling like a newborn baby. All because you fell a sleep in good time during another boring minesweeper session.

05-06-2011, 08:39 PM
Just Cause 2:
Subs in frozen lakes
Riding nukes
Cheesy one liners
-10/10 unexplainable explosions

Mr. Magoolachub
05-06-2011, 08:48 PM
Team Fortress 2: If updated in reverse, one could witness the creation of a near perfect game. If updates are witnessed in the correct order, one could witness the creation of an accurate fashion simulator; everything is too expensive and people will glorify things regardless of appearance precisely because they are too expensive. Additionally, I'm selling Max's Severed Head: $1,000,000 or best offer.

05-06-2011, 09:53 PM

Q: Really, what are you going to do with a diamond shovel?
A: Dig forever.

05-06-2011, 09:59 PM
I spend my days farming, and my nights reading in a small house with large bookshelves.

Then I started playing a game. I decided to build a giant library in it—a library of dream proportions, with thousands of bookshelves. I spent many days farming trees, reeds, making books, building edifices. I spent weeks drawing plans, clearing ground, erecting walls, building community.

And eventually I had made something magnificent. But in that library I couldn’t read anything, and in that month I had read few real books. My real-world farm was suffering from my distraction.

Minecraft—immersive but uncannily unreal.

05-06-2011, 11:04 PM
Practice does not make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect. You are not perfect, and through practice your imperfections surface and stare you down.

But still, you persevere. Through the level you flow, until you can see the shape of it, until you can grind it down, until you can lose everything and nothing is left but a seamless, perfect run.

And that is your imperfection showing. The run is imperfect: in this spot you should sprint, not hesitate; but there you should wait, not jump.

And yet you still blow up in front of the exit.



--N (http://www.thewayoftheninja.org/n.html)

05-06-2011, 11:11 PM
Listen up, 'oomans!
'Ere's da know-wots on dis.

Like Master of Magic, with more gitz and dakka.
World map look like oil paintin', if you like elfy things.
Goblin Bombers.
Lotsa playable races, all differen't. Tellyportin' Dragons? Yep. Damn Elves.
Heroes are unique and dead killy.
Dun cost a lot of teef.
Goblin Bombers.

Real time mode, like Arcanum, is useless as a squig in an ice cream parlor.
AI can be brutal. Try Very Easy first, you ain't scared, are ya, grot?
Maps can be 8-10 hours long. Waaagh!

05-06-2011, 11:31 PM
Grim Fandango (in the style of Tony Christie!)

When your life is ending
And to the next world you need sending
There's a reaper to guide you
And Calavera is his name
With big ol' Glottis
And a natty schythe
He goes is search of Meche
All through the afterlife

Is this the way to Rubacava?
Oh my it's a mighty palava!
Can't find my way to Rubacava
And sweet Meche who waits for me
Show me the way to Rubacava
Past the beavers in the lava
Where the hell is Rubacava?
Reckon I'll just look up Gamefaqs

Sha la la la la la la la la!


Actually it was Universal Hints System I used (for it was a ridiculous puzzle for a young lad to solve) but that would have taken me over the word limit!

06-06-2011, 01:05 AM
3D SexVilla
Go fuck yourself.

06-06-2011, 02:21 AM
Super Meat Boy

Run and jump over the buzzsaw and *SPLAT*

Run and jump over the buzzsaw and zig-zag between the walls and *SPLAT*

Run and jump over the buzzsaw and zig-zag between the walls and dodge the missile and *SPLAT*

Run and jump over the buzzsaw and zig-zag between the walls and dodge the missile and slide down the wall and *SPLAT*

Run and jump over the buzzsaw and zig-zag between the walls and dodge the missile and slide down the wall and *SPLAT*

Run and jump over the buzzsaw and *SPLAT*

Run and jump over th-*SPLAT*

06-06-2011, 04:36 AM
It was 9 in the morning I had just woken up and decided to create a quick game, at some point between organising an invasion on the border worlds of the sentient robots, getting my new planet up and running, designing a rip-off Enterprise and signing a deal with the talking frogs I decided to take a rest and realised I had been magically transported 12 hours into the future without eating or getting up.

06-06-2011, 08:59 AM
Divine Divinity? Oh sure, I knew her. There was something in her nature - and her form, which was long as if to be draped languidly over the furniture - that we, her friends and sycophants, had all been missing for a long time. A European sensibility; a depth of interaction we couldn't get anywhere else.

It was one of those designer drugs that did for her: hack 'n' slash, El Diablo; ARPG they call it now, in the debates and the government warnings. All too soon she was removed, spirited to a personal dungeon. And I knew enough not to follow.

06-06-2011, 10:41 AM
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But at the age of three, Sonic on my dad’s mate’s Megadrive was pure intuitive revelation. Hold down the button: the blue cat thing moves! Jumps, spins!

Videogames, then – a concept no sooner encountered than immediately understood; no sooner experienced than instantly adored. The beginning of a life-long captivation. A pretty great game - but an incredible moment.

06-06-2011, 11:55 AM
Adorable robot seeks sweetheart; puzzles abound.

Amanita Design do a superb job utilizing such muted and drab colors to create a vibrant setting. The machine city appears both lovely and dilapidated, kind of like Detriot. Additionally, Machinarium’s sounds rise up from the city itself to produce the game’s music, adding to the sense of place. The puzzles really do not sway too far to either end of the difficulty spectrum. Even if you find a puzzle too easy or too hard, the resultant animation of a solved puzzle will bring a smile.

Machinarium: well crafted, seamless, and charming.

06-06-2011, 11:59 AM
<!--><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:HyphenationZone>21</w:HyphenationZone> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Normaali taulukko"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman";} </style> <![endif]--> Fate of the World is a planet sim about weathering climate change. This is done through placing cards, ones like “commit to nuclear” and “artificial biomes.” No card fixes everything and many break something else. Push electric cars in a coal-heavy area, and emissions rise. Meanwhile, food riots dry up your funding, and while you’re fixing that, the Amazon collapses. [I]Fate is bastard hard, and it’s glorious. Fascinating, even: getting to play with the mechanics of energy security and deforestation teaches more than actual eco-games.

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Some of the difficulty is unwarranted, due to anemic documentation. Getting a grip takes patience.

06-06-2011, 01:13 PM
Max Payne

There was something disturbingly familiar about the Noir setting, the gameplay was all stunning slow-mo gunfights punctured by ridiculous story-telling.

The truth split my skull open, a glaring green light washing the lies away. All of my past was just fragmented, concise summations of interactive entertainment, percentage scores hanging at the end like demented anchors.

I was reviewing a computer game. Funny as hell, it was the most horrible thing I could think of.

06-06-2011, 01:15 PM
Operation Wolf was one of the first PC games which I've encountered. Slidescreen point-and-shoot game where you have been rambo-type commando killing hundreds (thousands or even millions) of innocent soldiers from some end-of-world country. Different and moving background, six episodes, shooting helicopters, boats and armed vehicles, parachuters, innocent villagers and med stuff and birds - all that made impossibly amazing action arcade game.

06-06-2011, 01:30 PM
Might and Magic VII (light spoilers)

Start the game with no idea what to expect. See the fireflies, expect to kill them instantly, die a lot. See the dragon from the cave on the first island, run like hell. Get your own castle. Like ++. Choose path, colors change. Like ++. Get shiny items and relics. Like ++. Exploit Wromthrax the Heartless. Finish game. Like ++. Revisit game 10 years later, still like it. Kill dragon on the first island, still exploit Wromthrax, finish again. Think about another go with another mix of characters. Realize there are other games. See you soon MM7. :*

06-06-2011, 01:34 PM
who are you buT anotHer test subjEct? prancing around chambers with increasingly Complex risks, armed only with the power of imAgination, it is no simple tasK. yet with extraordinary tEnacity (and many retries), you deftly overcome all odds, only to realise your time is up, that you're just another cog in the machIne that is aperture Science. but you resist your fate and propel yourself through the dizzying backstage of the facility, and find yourself in an inevitAble showdown with the heart of this madness. and after all the dust settles, you find that portaL's utImate lesson is hiddEn within.

06-06-2011, 01:49 PM
So when are the results gonna be revealed?

06-06-2011, 03:12 PM
SimCity 2000 is a game in which a psychopathic deity briefly takes an interest in urban planning.

I approve.

06-06-2011, 06:44 PM
It’s not turn-based any more than, say, a crossword puzzle. It’s Minesweeper crossed with a roguelike.

There’s a map, you reveal parts of it. There are things that can kill you in the parts you reveal. The interactions you can have to try to eliminate the obstacles are much more sophisticated and varied than Minesweeper, but are still predictable in their outcome.

It’s good fun. Desktop Dungeons.

07-06-2011, 01:57 AM
Icewind Dale II

As in the first IWD, you create a party of up to six characters from your choice of various classes and races. Creating a balance between these classes is key to survival, because without balance, one could easily walk into an early grave. An epic RPG for its time, and still today running in the top 20 for many D&D fans, Icewind Dale II brings back the older Style Editions of D&D rules in its gameplay.

07-06-2011, 06:17 AM
Recettear is a game in which you play the illegitimate love child of Ayn Rand and Pedobear. Capitalism, ho!

07-06-2011, 05:02 PM
So, when are the results going to be announced?

08-06-2011, 08:06 AM
Looks like Jim forgot about us :)