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  1. #1

    Against All Games - The Talkdown Thread

    Do you feel it? Here come all the video games. Again. You don't need any of them, of course - but Gaben doesn't care. He's going to make you buy them, unless you're strong enough. And alone, you never will be. None of us will. But together, joined in the glorious light of the talkdown, we can survive, wallets intact, free time unsullied by fetch-questing, manshooting, and tree punching.

    In this thread, as before, we will ask the hivemind to talk us down from Steam Sale purchases. We will eviscerate games, be they sublime or soporific, cherished or reviled. We do not see their inspired crafting mechanics, we do not praise their lovingly hand-woven voxels. Here, we see only warts, and speak only of grind.

    People in this thread will say awful, horrible things about games you love. This is alright. You will be tempted to correct them, but consider this the final test of your love: to remain silent, and know that love grows all the more powerful for staying secret. It is a special, magical thing that exists between you and Surviv-O-Craft Online: Death Shooter - Murder Gun Edition, and trying to explain it to this lot of blind, deaf, and frankly tongueless ingrates would be like serving Macallan 25 to your dog.

    In other words, if you want to say nice things about games, you have the rest of the internet to do it. Here, we only destroy... to help. Think of it as a thought experiment, or a writing exercise, if you like.

    The sale hasn't started quite yet, but that only means we have the initiative. You know that game that's hovered toward the top of your wishlist through four successive sales? You don't need it. It's alright. Say its name. We'll do the rest.
    Last edited by GunnerMcCaffrey; 22-12-2015 at 05:26 AM.
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  2. #2
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus EPICTHEFAIL's Avatar
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    Extra rule this time around, because seeing this crap brought up constantly is starting to grate:

    YOU MAY NOT TALK SOMEONE DOWN BY TALKING ABOUT THE PRICE. THEY'RE ASKING ABOUT THE GAME, NOT THE SALES HISTORY, YOU STUPID TWATS. IF THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO SAY REGARDING A GAME IS "BUY IT IN 6 MONTHS," YOU'RE JUST BEING LAZY. TRY HARDER SCRUBS.

  3. #3
    Moderator Grizzly's Avatar
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    Okay gentlemen, TELL ME WHY I DO NOT NEEEEEEEED:

    MGSV
    Mad Max
    Life is Strange.
    Hexcells Infinite

    GO!

  4. #4
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    They are timesinks. All of them. The Ms and the Hexcells expecially. Life is Strange would be great as a book. I've got no time, and possibly neither have you, for an "interactive" book. Especially as it's probably going to railroad you into the last two decisions being Author decided, and not really give the player control (I'm assuming a ME3 style ending? :P ). Better spending your time on games that are not going to play with your heartstrings just to get you to buy more DLC/episodes or get addicted to clicking cells.

    If you really want to, just watch the endings on YT lol! :D

    PS, can anyone talk me out of the 2016 games! I've not even finished or looked at half my catalogue, and I have HW2 remastered, Subnautica, Elite and many others from this year, before even Xcom2, No Mans Sky and many many more come out. :(
    It is a technical difference, but's there none the less.

  5. #5
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Wenz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Grizzly View Post
    Okay gentlemen, TELL ME WHY I DO NOT NEEEEEEEED:

    Life is Strange.

    GO!
    B/
    If it was a religious experience, assuming imagery to be addressed and make sense and everything, it'd come with crucifixion and all that with the apocalypse pushing for coming outs.
    People will tell you to watch it on youtube but you can get grumpier and watch evangelion and kemonozume first. Steam sales/youtube survived.


    Btw MGS5 featured boobs attached to an annoying woman which sent the internet apeshit so you don't need that.
    Last edited by Wenz; 21-12-2015 at 09:10 PM.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by TechnicalBen View Post
    They are timesinks. All of them. The Ms and the Hexcells expecially. Life is Strange would be great as a book. I've got no time, and possibly neither have you, for an "interactive" book. Especially as it's probably going to railroad you into the last two decisions being Author decided, and not really give the player control (I'm assuming a ME3 style ending? :P ). Better spending your time on games that are not going to play with your heartstrings just to get you to buy more DLC/episodes or get addicted to clicking cells.

    If you really want to, just watch the endings on YT lol! :D

    PS, can anyone talk me out of the 2016 games! I've not even finished or looked at half my catalogue, and I have HW2 remastered, Subnautica, Elite and many others from this year, before even Xcom2, No Mans Sky and many many more come out. :(
    I played and like Life is Strange. And I still agree with this assessment. It is, in fact, eerily spot on...

  7. #7
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    This will be hard but...

    Why should I not buy Shower With Your Dad Simulator!?

    Please help.

    Go!

  8. #8
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus EPICTHEFAIL's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TechnicalBen View Post
    PS, can anyone talk me out of the 2016 games! I've not even finished or looked at half my catalogue, and I have HW2 remastered, Subnautica, Elite and many others from this year, before even Xcom2, No Mans Sky and many many more come out. :(
    No Man's Sky: you already have Elite Dangerous, why would you want a shallower, more random and less immersive version of that? Flawed as Elite may be (make sure to check the thread to see my latest rant against Signal Sources!), NMS looks like it takes all of those flaws, removes the excellent flight model and depth of ship customisation and plugs those holes with a simplified version of Minecraft, a game that I didn't think was possible to simplify any further.

  9. #9
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Eight Rooks's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Grizzly View Post
    Okay gentlemen, TELL ME WHY I DO NOT NEEEEEEEED:

    MGSV
    Mad Max
    Life is Strange.
    Hexcells Infinite

    GO!
    MGSV: remind yourself of all the interminable Kojima nonsense you're going to have to struggle through to get anywhere with it. For every moment you attach a parachute to a bear, there's going to be some dreadful, asinine plot point; problematic, hamfisted exploration of touchy subjects; patronising sermons on how war is, like, really bad, mmmkay... and for all the gameplay has its high points there's an awful lot of doing the same thing over and over and over and over again until you wonder if you really were ever having fun.

    Mad Max: all the pretty skyboxes in the world can't stop it from being a mediocre Ubigame which isn't a patch on Fury Road. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself to stop from buying it. It's worked so far.
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  10. #10
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Heliocentric's Avatar
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    I'll take Hexcells Infinite, you have played Minesweeper right? Do you want to play minesweeper right now? Go do it, I'll wait.
    [Waits]
    How about now? Still want to play minesweeper? Go get it out of your system and come back when you don't.
    [Waits]
    And do you still want to play minesweeper? No? Because that's what Hexcells is. Do you think *Infinite* means that the "levels" are not just being cranked out by procedural generation? Just go play minesweeper, or better yet, go play a real game.
    I'll wait.
    [Waits]

    Quote Originally Posted by EPICTHEFAIL View Post
    Extra rule this time around, because seeing this crap brought up constantly is starting to grate:
    Dat Money
    I approve of your addition, money means different things to different people, and often does not quantify as a takedown. Worse is the waste of time and spirit games can often represent.
    Last edited by Heliocentric; 22-12-2015 at 12:00 AM.
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  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Grizzly View Post
    Okay gentlemen, TELL ME WHY I DO NOT NEEEEEEEED:

    MGSV
    Mad Max
    Life is Strange.
    Hexcells Infinite

    GO!
    Mad Max:

    Do you like Assassins Creed? A lot? To the point where, if they took OUT the large cities, the parkour and any semblance of stealth, and just added muscle cars while refusing to fix the clunky character movement, you would still absolutely LOVE the game, combat and all? And especially the combat?

    I will assume you answered 'No' to the above.

    Well guess what: This is Assassins Creed: No Stealth - Post Apocalyptic Edition: Wasteland Driver. Literally. The same icon littered maps; the same go here and get higher to unlock more icons. The same nonsense combat. This is everything you and I and so many others LOATHE about open world games thinking it can make us love it again by doing nothing other than shoehorning in muscle cars with (admittedly cool) sound effects.

    And sandstorms. Which sound like the coolest thing on earth (and in the game) until you realize that what they amount to, mechanically, is literally an inability to play or even move about the world at all, for several minutes, whilst you just listen to the wind blow.

    Stay inside besides a busy highway and look at a picture book while its storming outside. Pretty much the same experience, minus the icon fest and the lackluster combat.

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by GameCat View Post
    You should buy it.
    You're in the wrong thread there, friend. This here's the puppy strangling thread.

    Anyway, I got a couple to toss out:

    Victoria II
    SOMA
    Thea: Awakening
    Her Story

  13. #13
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Eight Rooks's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blackcompany View Post
    Mad Max:

    *snip*

    And sandstorms. Which sound like the coolest thing on earth (and in the game) until you realize that what they amount to, mechanically, is literally an inability to play or even move about the world at all, for several minutes, whilst you just listen to the wind blow.
    Oh, Jesus, after seeing clips of the film, I could have wept the first time I saw footage of the sandstorms in the game. Ugh. Another reason I haven't bought it.
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  14. #14
    Moderator alms's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Grizzly View Post
    Life is Strange.
    Vapid, undercooked teen drama about teens, drama and vapidness. Might as well get your left brain lobe removed and move on with life.

    The time rewind mechanic is a total rip-off of Grid's, only with fast driving, i.e. the fun part, removed. Who even could come up with an idea that demented? Not to mention, if you really wanted time travel in your adventure games, you should be playing DoTT for the 357th time instead: that had all the funs on the Internet before it was a commercial thing, and all the philosophical insight a grown man can long for.

    Quote Originally Posted by Grizzly View Post
    Hexcells Infinite
    You've already wasted enough of your life staring at that white, hypnotic screen filled with hexagons, while in a trance waiting for the inspiration to strike. I've got news: it's not going to come: all of the Hexcells games are just the real world version of the Matrix, made to subdue humanity. Hexcells Infinite's ominous aim to get more player cattle endlessly stuck in that loop, it should be banned from sale.

    The game has no dark mode, clearly a political statement, this game is an instrument through which White Dominance is reasserted.

    Well this is sort of useless but kind of fun to write.
    The Onward March of Bundles - filling your backlog since 1911. For a list of active deals, and more, click here.
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  15. #15
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Eight Rooks's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by alms View Post
    Well this is sort of useless but kind of fun to write.
    Oh, I don't know. I giggled at "It's like GRID but with the fast driving removed".
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  16. #16
    Lesser Hivemind Node DevinSmoth's Avatar
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    Return to Castle Wolfenstein?

    I know it's old... but so tempting... and it wasn't mine the first time I played it, so I never got to beat it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by SuddenSight View Post
    Thea: Awakening
    Her Story
    Her Story
    Do you like police procedurals? Are there any good ones you haven't seen? If you answered 'yes' to both questions, go watch one. If you answered 'no', and you like the idea of Blade Runner (the Westwood game) without the cool bits... Really?

    Thea: Awakening

    Did you like obsessively fiddling with your worker placement in Colonization? Would you like to do that every turn? Would you like to do that every turn in a party-based roguelike? While following a very poorly localised, derivative, linear text narrative? Again and again from the start because your village and all your characters will die as surely as the sun rises?

  18. #18
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Spacewalk's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DevinSmoth View Post
    Return to Castle Wolfenstein?

    I know it's old... but so tempting... and it wasn't mine the first time I played it, so I never got to beat it.
    There are (two? three maybe, it's been a while) stealth levels.

  19. #19
    Moderator Grizzly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by xSneakyGuyx View Post
    This will be hard but...

    Why should I not buy Shower With Your Dad Simulator!?

    Please help.

    Go!
    Quoting this as the post got stuck in the moderation waitlist :)

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Grizzly View Post
    Quoting this as the post got stuck in the moderation waitlist :)
    Showering with your Dad is wrong. Real or virtual, no good will come of it.

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