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I hate Doom Eternal's new coffee-sipping Archvile

No, we don't have dairy

Checking out a new coffee shop is intimidating enough as-is. Wondering whether the wifi's good enough for work, checking the prices on the croissants, trying to figure out how "chatty" the baristas are. The last thing I need is one of Doom Eternal's cretins judging me for my choice of milk alternative. Until May 14th, Eternal's Coffee and Camo Series lets you grind out a fresh batch of free cosmetics - one that, unfortunately includes this absolute roaster.

Look at this dickhead. Dude probably doesn't even work at Hell's Cup. Probably just got behind the counter one day and nobody's got the stomach to tell him he has to leave.

The Archvile already has a pretty sour look, proportioned as he is like one of Oddworld's cretins. Compared to Doom's roster of snake-people, giant eyeballs and skyscraper-topping goat monsters, he fills the uncomfortable middle stage of an Animorphs transition from man to Imp. It's deeply troubling seeing him clothed in painfully tight clothes, using those torched arms to keep his latest serving at an optimal 80°C.

His store is an equal parody of the worst excesses of this particular stereotype. At Hell's Cup, typewriters are as welcome as Doom-branded unicycles, though I really, truly, do not want to know what Caco's Cream is. On demon victory, Arch even stretches out in the shittiest, most condescending gesture - as if it's somehow my fault for not specifying whether I'd prefer Oat, Almond or Coconut.

But then, perhaps I hate him because he's a reflection of my own mocha-sipping habits. It's been too long since I last met a pal for a cuppa at one of Edinburgh's many wanky student joints. Is there not something just a little awful about sipping on a too-expensive latte, sat writing words for hip media outlets on a laptop coated in more stickers than a Berlin utility pole?

At least my hair isn't so tragic.

For better and worse, though, he's certainly got character. The series' other cosmetics are a real mixed bag - reimagining the Pain Elemental as a big ol' Toad is fun, but you're really gotta squint to notice the Doom Slayer's new camo pattern. Mate, your rippling pink abs are showing, you're fooling nobody with some low-contrast green splotches.

Coffee and Camo is Doom Eternal's latest season of free stuff, unlocked by gaining XP across Doom's singleplayer missions and 2v1 Battlemode. The latter's where you'll use those disgusting demon skins. It also just sounds quite good, with our Matt living for Battlemode's demonic games of cat and mouse.

"Neither side can quite tell when it’s coming, which means the demons have to hunt with one foot/claw ready to retreat. Except obviously, the less they commit, the more room the Slayer has to regenerate health and armour. As the Slayer, you’ve got to constantly ask yourself whether now’s the time to stand your ground. It’s yet another thing to think about in the midst of Doom’s intensity, but I haven’t found it overwhelming."

Sounds blood-pumping, even without the added caffeine. Personally, though? I think I'll stick to the instant coffee.

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