My car is currently sort of partially atop another vehicle but it is almost definitely not my fault. You see, your honour, what happened was I was taking a screenshot as I went uphill but the car was going too fast to get the framing right so I took my finger off the accelerate key for a second AFTER checking there was no traffic anywhere behind me. We slowed, I took the picture, I hit accelerate.
The car moved backwards slowly.
I put on the handbrake and switched off the engine thinking perhaps the game was mimicking stalling. I turned the key in the ignition and restarted. Experimenting with the drivey gamefeel (technical term) I pushed W to see if the car tried to move forwards, to see if there was some kind of in-game simulation of a bite point and a sense of traction on the hill. There wasn't. I took off the handbrake and held W. We slid backwards slowly.
I reversed thinking perhaps as an early access pre-alpha game perhaps the controls had somehow inverted. They hadn't. I moved backwards slightly faster.
Putting the handbrake back on I concluded that the car probably didn't have enough power or momentum to summit the small hill and wondered how to solve the problem. A guy calling himself my uncle (although maybe a family friend who everyone insisted I call uncle or even maybe just a guy with Uncle as a first name – WHO KNOWS) was sitting in the passenger seat. I wondered if I could get him to help me push.
At that point I was rammed, your honour, by some dickhead (technical term) who apparently didn't understand how to use the other two entirely clear lanes and decided to rear-end me and my uncle for NO GOOD REASON.
I feel like if you see a stopped car on an otherwise clear road and you still decide to rear-end it that is negligence. Also I probably have whiplash and my poor uncle probably has whiplash so the next time I get a phonecall telling me that some company heard I had an accident that wasn't my fault I am going to tell them about this little escapade and then YOU WILL BE SORRY. Not you, your honour. The dickhead.
And don't start with me about hazard lights.
If you can figure out which effing button or switch is the hazard lights you can tell my uncle because he certainly didn't bother telling me before demanding I drive his ass to Dresden. The constraints of the game, your honour, did not permit for me to become safely acquainted with the vehicle before forcing me onto a sodding autobahn - oh wait it's here never mind.
I will admit to slightly aggressively reversing but ONLY because going forward and sideways wasn't possible and there's no "phone the police and wait to be towed" option that I could see.
And I will also admit that the reversing is what has left me on top of their bonnet and the source of the crunching sounds and now I can't move forward or backwards or sideways. I'm considering walking to Dresden. I don't know what to do about my uncle, though. He's still in the passenger seat. I assume he's catatonic because of the shock and the whiplash and so forth – I'm not a doctor – but I really do feel I'm not to blame for this accident at all and also my uncle needs, NO, DESERVES compensation.